Shake hands wth the devil? Girlfriend's abusive father

LegacyUser

My gf of 2 yrs has a dad who has beaten up her sisters and mother many times over many years. the violence subsided with him growing older and thankfully she was spared the physical abuse but witnessed lots of her sisters' beatings.

She was and is still bullied by him.

She still loves him because at times he can be sweet. She believes him to have serious mental issues. I think he's a psychopathic monster. I've never met him.

She wants me to meet him soon. She wants me to shake hands with him and look him in the eye and greet him like a gentleman. I want to kill him or report him to the authorities.

She made me promise I would shake his hand and meet him and be civil.

How can I do that???

She may leave me if I refuse. But I don't think I can pretend. Worse, I think it's wrong to pretend. What would you do???

Lorna123

I think for the sake of your g/f just do it. You don't have to gush over him, just be civil. He may have done wrong in the past and I am not denying it but he has seen the error of his ways and now is trying to change, so just treat him as you find him. However, if you witness any of his rage then get back to us for advice.

JustAThought

Remember Gay Byrne & Gerry Adams ; the first interview? He made it clear he did not approve & would not then not ever shake his hand. He had interviewed & dealt with the media & human aftermath of their bombings & violence all his career.

He didn't shake & never has. I respect him still for it.

If you marry your GF this man will be in you life & that of your children. Will you be leaving " the grandchildren" in the care of this house; or trusting him with drink in him every Christmas & family occasion to come.

Make it clear you don't want to to your GF but that you love her. If you can do a brief civil formal meeting so be it. But do you want tone drawn into a family where violence & acceptance of it is the norm .

Once a wife beater...

And his daughters too?

Zen65

Shakehandswiththedevil wrote: »

She made me promise I would shake his hand and meet him and be civil.

How can I do that???

Simply put, if that is what she wants you to do, and assuming there is no longer any physical abuse taking place you need to respect her decision. It is her gift to decide to forgive him, and you are not in a position to deny her that.

When you meet him, focus on trying to see the qualities he must have that allow her to forgive him.

Be at peace,


Z

Zen65

JustAThought wrote: »

Remember Gay Byrne & Gerry Adams ; the first interview? He made it clear he did not approve & would not then not ever shake his hand. He had interviewed & dealt with the media & human aftermath of their bombings & violence all his career.

He didn't shake & never has. I respect him still for it.

But it was John Hume who changed the destiny of NI precisely because he did shake Gerry Adam's hand! It's relatively easy to condemn somebody; that's why the middle-eastern situation perpetuates. OP's gf wants to move past that and live in peace with her Dad. We don't know enough to judge her decision, but we should respect it.

Be at peace,

Z

CaraMay

Op it's not your battle - your role is to support your gf.

Stavro Mueller

If you and your girlfriend stay together and go on to have a family, it's likely that you're going to have to deal with him in one shape or another anyway. You may hate the man for what he has done and what he is but it's not your place to make any snap judgements. Rightly or wrongly, your girlfriend has chosen to have him as part of her life so you're going to have to accept that. You may not agree with this but its not your decision to make. So the best thing to do is to shake his hand, be polite and leave it at that.

Esoteric_

I've been in your girlfriend's position, OP.

I used to be beaten by my father, as were the rest of my family. It stopped when I was an adult and I love my father and respect the fact that he stopped it. Although I hate his actions, I love him as a person.

I had a couple of boyfriends who knew about this, and they didn't want to meet my father, let alone shake his hand. At the end of the day though, they respected me enough to just do it.

She's not asking you to like her father. She's asking you to be polite. Yes, he did some terrible things, but SHE wants you to shake his hand and be polite, and as her boyfriend, you should respect her wishes. Have you liked every single person you've ever been polite to? I know I've been polite to plenty of people I didn't like, for the sake of peace.

I really think you'd be potentially destroying your relationship by not respecting your girlfriend's wishes.

LegacyUser

He still verbally abuses them and makes my gf think she's "thick" etc. She cries down the phone telling me this.

Esoteric_

Shakehandswiththedevil wrote: »

He still verbally abuses them and makes my gf think she's "thick" etc. She cries down the phone telling me this.

As does mine. I'm still told quite regularly what a waste of space I am, and have been told more than once that he's never loved me. I got some more verbal abuse from him this morning, actually.

It doesn't change the fact that I still love him and want a relationship with him. I dissociate his actions with him as a person. It took years of therapy for me to do it, but I do it and for the most part, I am glad I have a relationship with my father, regardless of his actions.

Whether he still abuses her or her family is quite honestly not the issue here. The issue here is because you don't like him, you're willing to disregard your girlfriend's feelings.

Think of it this way - her dad treats her like crap and disrespects her. Do you want to also disrespect her, when she's clearly been shown very little respect her whole life?

cantdecide

Maybe she wants to show him how she has someone really great in her life and he should be proud of her for this. It's really not you place to intervene. She is his daughter and might spend the rest of her days trying to make him see or praying to make him change or even to get his approval but as so eloquently stated above, support her no matter how irrational or illogical her feelings are toward him.

Stavro Mueller

No matter how horrible this man is, the advice I've given remains the same. It isn't your place to cast judgement on the situation and your actions could cause more harm than good. I think it's far more important that you support your girlfriend. Help her to cope with, and perhaps move beyond, having a man like this as her father. Whatever the reasons are, your girlfriend is choosing to stay in contact with her father. It isn't what you'd like to see happen of course but it's her choice. Respect it.

Virgil°

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that i don't think its fair what your girlfriend is asking of you. My blood is boiling just reading your post. I can't imagine what you're going through.

If it was all in the past and the father was perhaps trying to make amends for his previous behaviour I'd say give him a chance.

But with his ongoing abuse(which can be every bit if not more damaging than physical abuse in many ways) I don't think I could handle it.

Is your girlfriend actually standing up to him OP? Or trying anything to resolve the situation? Is she simply staying in contact, allowing him to abuse her like this and running to you afterwards? If thats the case I don't really think this is fair on you either.

Honestly I see what the others are saying and it would probably work but how long is the OP expected to burden both his own issues and his girlfirends towards an individual that any thinking person would have cut out long ago?

StillWaters

If you go in and grandstand, refusing to shake his hand. You are putting your girlfriend in a very difficult position. You are forcing a situation she is not ready for.

Squ

Do what i did.

Shake his hand, hold on for just a sec when he tries to finish, and say something like, "nice to put a face to a name"

Then go on as normal.

Whatever you do dont let yourself or your gf down.

realgirl

I think if you try to work out exactly what you're happy to do and what you're not then you can discuss this with your girlfriend. E.g. Maybe you could meet him, shake his hand, leave after 20-30 minutes so you're not much exposed to the potential verbal abuse he might give out to people. Or meet in a situation where you all go to a movie and then part ways afterwards so there isn't much time for conversation or interaction. In reality, she wants a relationship with him and you want a relationship with her so some compromise needs to be reached. If you refuse to shake his hand when you first meet, that's likely to cause a lot of grief and not really help anyone. Minimising the number of times/duration you meet him so that you don't often have to feel so torn might help. It sounds like your girlfriend is in denial about how awful his actions were and are so she might struggle to understand your point of view but I think you both need to try a little harder to understand where each of you are coming from. Hope this all works out for you.

curlzy

OP, if you look like my fella this could have a very positive effect. My fella is 6'4", 18 stone of muscle and covered in tattoos. Now my dad is brill and would never do anything bad to us, he's the best dad ever. However, I'd imagine if he was like your gf's dad he'd knock it off immediately after meeting my fella. So yeah maybe that's not you but if you are in any way intimidating then this could have a good effect on him and maybe help to stop the verbal abuse? Just a thought.

As another said, maybe hold the handshake a bit too long and too strong. You can communicate alot with your eyes.

Pataman

I would shake is hand, its what she wants. BUT make it a very firm handshake, just to let him know.

Chucky the tree

I'd get out of the relationship OP. As someone pointed out, what happens if you have kids and her Dad expects to be involved? Certainly no way I'd allow that to happen however she might want him to be involved. If you's haven't talked about that yet then do it soon and decide what's best to do following that.

shalalala

+1 on squ. On top of that i would carry on like normal unless he starts verbally abusing her in front of you. Then i think it would be time to tell him that what he said isnt right and he should apologise. Nothing wrong with that!

Stavro Mueller

I doubt very very much that the father will verbally abuse anyone in front of the OP. He might be a lot of things but he's not stupid. Furthermore, if the OP grandstands (great word used by someone else) and his girlfriend splits up with him over that, it'll just mean that the father has won. I would hope that over time, the OP can help his girlfriend get over the bullying and abuse that she has suffered at the hands of her father. For the time being, it's best to make no enemies.

WumBuster

The key point here is you've never met him. So you wont really know what he's like or if you'd ever be able to get on with him til you meet him. You're gf says he can be sweet, which probably means that he can be charming, so thats just something to be wary of. Yeah the abuse sounded horrible but he is still a part of your girlfriends life and she says she loves him so I think you'd better just hold your counsel for now until you can see the full picture.

Fysh

OP, I think you and your girlfriend need to have a serious conversation about the role her father will play in your life going forward. It's clear from your words that you are disgusted by the man and I can understand that; however, it's equally clear that your GF wants to have a relationship with her father despite his past actions. As it stands, you both have mutually exclusive desires. If you think it's bad now, it could be far worse in future.

Ultimately it's her choice whether to continue having a relationship with her father. However, if you can't support her in this wholeheartedly in this (which includes being civil to her dad, shaking his hand, visiting the family home and so on) then you need to let her know this as it is unfair for her to be torn between her family relationships on one side and her partner on the other.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

Squ wrote: »

Do what i did.

Shake his hand, hold on for just a sec when he tries to finish, and say something like, "nice to put a face to a name"

Then go on as normal.

Whatever you do dont let yourself or your gf down.

I think I would do thus and add something like "I've heard a lot about you. "

The key thing here is that your gf has been grieviously let down by the major male in her life. The last thing she needs is you going against her wishes now. Hold fire, at least for now. You don't always have to fight every battle straight away. Down the line you may need to deal more directly with this situation- but by then it might be what your gf wishes.

Squ

So how did it go?