Alcoholic mother

pako56

Im a man in his early thirties and I was raised in a house with a mother who was an abusive alcoholic. During my childhood she told me I was responsible for 2 of her miscarriages and she regularly beat me with rolling pins and fire pokers. I never had any brother or sisters and because of this I was and am frequently met by people who say “you must have been spoiled growing up” this frustrates me even more because anytime I would try to bring this up with my extended family they would say that to me.

Socially I feel trapped, Christmas time mothers day and birthdays, Im supposed to get her cards and presents telling her how wonderful she is because shes my mother. I cant talk about this because of the stigma attached with been abused my mother, I couldn’t even bring this up with my partner. Because of this I don’t feel like I can ever get justice any action I take against her will affect me and my anger is getting worse and worse.

Ive done counselling where I was told to monitor my responses against her, change how I react. I want to be a better person but with her in my life I don’t think I can. Has anyone else had similar experiences.

tinkerbell

OP, I think you need to cut her out of your life. I also think you need to continue to seek counselling and if it is not working with your current therapist, you should start attending a new therapist.

I also think you should consider telling your partner. There is nothing to be ashamed of, you are a victim of abuse and need all the support you can get while trying to move in with your life. Bottling it all up inside won't help.

username123

Op - I grew up with a bullying alcoholic father and a co-dependant mother. They are both dead now and I was estranged from them before they died. It was Alanon that set me straight and saved me from my own awful feelings about it all.

Why do you engage in the pretence of mothers day etc? What consequences are you afraid of? Why can you not be honest in your communications and dont engage in things that you do not wish to engage in such as presents and cards etc? You dont have to have her in your life at all if your dont want to. Your life is yours to live as you please. Something someone in Alanon said to me really stuck, this aint no dress rehearsal, this is it, the live show - so live it the way you want to live it, because you cant come back and redo it. You are the pilot of your own life, no one else is going to make it better for you.

Why cant you talk to your partner? There is no stigma but what is in your own mind. I can talk about my fathers disgusting behaviour til the cows come home and it is that that has allowed me to get past it. I used to get stopped on the street by neighbours pitying me for having a father who was considered the town drunk (village idiot). I remember many occasions where neighbours carried him into the house covered in blood from some misadventure and looked at me pityingly. I dont care about any of it, I am not him, and he took my childhood, teens and 20s from me with his behaviour, I wont let him have another minute of my mind or my life. Im glad he is dead, he was a sorry critter who could never quite get his act together and who destroyed his family along the way. But I can rise above it. How I live my life is my own choice, not influenced by the actions of a sorry critter like that.

Best of luck to you, I hope you find the peace you seek.