Can't do Chit Chat

LegacyUser

I have problems speaking to people in public. I was out in a pub (I rarely go out, but that is another thread...). We were standing out in the smoking area and a woman came up looking for a light.

She got a light of a friend and start general chit-chat. I could not think of anything to say to her - absolutely nothing. I could not link in to the conversation. I just stood there like an idiot wathcing them chat.

She then said something to me which I couldn't think of a reply to. She then said something along the lines of if she was making me uncomfortable she would leave.

I felt like dying inside. I felt like crying. I was mortified, embarrassed and awkward. I said no and that I was just looking about - obviously lying. She continued chatting and it was never mentioned again.

However, that is not the point. The point is that I cannot converse with people in small talk. Previously at counselling it was uncovered that due to my quiet family - no conversation only 'transfer of information'; lack of socialising, no visitors to house, etc this affected me in that when younger I didn't develop socially.

I hate this, as I don't want to blame this on my family. However, I cannot deny the effect of my upbringing on my current problems and relationship issues.

How can I improve myself? I always chat and talk to people in shops etc. However, when in a bar or in the company of females I crumble. It seems that when i am somewhere where I want to impress or competitive (chatting to females) I withdraw and give up without even trying.

This has been commented on before by girls. One mate tried to fix me up with a girl who was chatting to 'us' and she just said something like 'why? he hasn't spoken a word to me all night'.

I have no special topics which I can speak about. I am no good at asking questions. I don't know what to say. My mind goes blank. It is frustrating.

It is now at the stage where it seems people know I'm no good with girls and that they are talking about me. It is putting even more pressure on me. I feel like a cornered animal.

And that is why I've always been single, defeatist, and alone at home on the internet on a Saturday night.

Lorna123

You are thinking too much about yourself. Why not concentrate on the person you are conversing with, ask them questions about themselves or just comment on what is going on in the news or even the weather. Have conversations with yourself, in your mind as a way to practice and then just say the same things to people you meet in shops etc. You need to practice and then one day you will have perfected it. The drawback for you is that you start to think too much about what you want to say and then you talk yourself out of saying anything. Don't think too much about it, that's the way to do it.

Roisy7

Ask them about themselves.

Where are you from, what do you do etc etc. Believe me most people will talk for Ireland on the subject of themselves. Once you've broken the ice you should be away.

Or talk about the DJ, the pints in the pub, the song that's playing. Conversation is a learned skill but if you can talk to people in shops etc you should be able to talk to people in clubs.

And forget that they're women. By this I mean talk away as you would to a new male acquaintance. Women are not necessarily easier or harder to talk to by virtue of their gender.

Good luck OP and Merry Christmas!

LegacyUser

I can identify with you there;I'm 40 and have had this problem all my life.I've gotten to be a better conversationalist over time but it's still a problem for me.
Not everyone can be the gregarious, chatterbox type. You have to accept your limitations. Some people find overly-talkative people annoying anyway and you might meet a girl that that is attracted to someone like you who is quiet and reserved. Also, don't blame yourself for not being able to think of things to say when in a one-on-one conversation. Conversation is a two-way street so the other person has a responsibility to respond to what you are saying and talk about topics that you are interested in and not just what he/she likes talking about.
I can tell by your post that you are intelligent and articulate. You can talk when you want to I am sure. You say "I have no special topics which I can speak about" but I don't believe that.
I am sure you have lots of things to say that people will find interesting.
The experience you described with the woman who came to you looking for a light was distressing but it's just one occurence, don't let it make you think every time you have to talk one-on-one with a person the same thing will happen. It was probably just that you didn't have anything in common with her.
It's hard to keep talking all night anyway. I was out last night from 7 pm to 2 in the morning with a large group of people and was chatting to a few of them through the night but I was exhausted by the end of it as it's not in my nature to talk for that long.
Just a couple of topics we talked about was body language and if it's true that when you are talking that 70 percent of what you communicate is through your body language and not what you are actually saying. Also we were talking about the Irish language and it's relevance.
I admit I was slightly drunk which helped but there's no harm in having a few beers to loosen you up. I am not suggesting you get plastered everytime you get into a social situation as that is not a long-term solution.
Don't always put the onus on yourself to think of a topic to talk about. Someone might bring up a subject that you are interested in and then you can jump in and give your own input.
I sometime think that people can pick up that I am actually really shy and know I am "faking" it so I know where you are coming from.
Best of luck with it anyway, try not to let it get you down mate.
By the way, may I ask what age are you?

Neyite

The best way to become a great conversationalist is to become a terrific listener. People usually love to talk about themselves or their opinions on a topic, unless you ask very personal questions.

There is an old book, but its a good one, Dale Carnagie - How to win Friends and Influence people that I read some years ago. I wanted to improve my communication skills and a relative lent me it. I learnt a lot from it - I was great at talking, but not conversing, if you get me. This book helped me immensely.

If you have a few conversational openers up your sleeve it helps. This time of year is ideal: Will you/Did you go home for Christmas? Where is home? Whats the nightlife like there? did you go out much over Christmas? Where did you go? Are you doing anything for New Year? Were you working over the Christmas? Where do you work? Do you enjoy it? What do you enjoy about it? When do you go back to work after Christmas? Did Santa come;)? Honestly this time of year is GREAT for drumming up a bit of chit chat. Even when you have answered a question for instance if they ask where you work, you can simply return the question to the person and ask "and you?"

Dave!

A bit of planning might help you here. I'm a pretty good talker at this stage, but haven't always been. Not sure how I got over it exactly! But, there are still situations where you may be coming to a conversation cold, for example on a first date. I tend to, on the bus on the way in or something, write down in my phone a few things I might bring up in conversation (a) to kick off the chit-chat at the start of the night, and (b) in case the conversation goes stale. e.g. Questions about her family, friends, her job, music, travelling, etc... I wouldn't be referring to my phone constantly or anything! But you can get a bit of mileage out of asking them about things like that, and once they're done you can tell them about your own (if they're not arseholes themselves then they'll be asking you questions too - but I was out with a girl before who didn't, and it was the most excruciating date EVAR :mad: )

Anywho, I'm sure you could apply the same to whatever social situation you're going to be in yourself. e.g. If you're just going out to the pub around now, there are obvious Christmas-related things to chat about: got all your shopping done? What are the plans? Are you going back to whatever county you're from? Leading onto... how long are you living up here? Work? Get home often? Wanna have sex? What kind of music are you into? Oh I was at X gig the other night...

Try jot down a few general things you can chat about before you end up in the situation, and then use them! You'll probably end up talking to a really chatty person and you won't get a word in edgeways Irony!

LegacyUser

OP here again

The problem is mostly in situations where there are more than two people. Usually the other two people will take the conversation in a direction where I have no knowledge or nothing to add. I then drift out of conversation.

It can then seem to others that I am disinterested or bored. This has been where the comments come from. When I'm one on one with a person I can usually scrape through. However, weirdly when in pubs or clubs I find it much more difficult than in any other situation. Don't know why, I think it is because I assume pubs/club are associated with the dating game and trying to impress members of the opposite sex...

For the person who asked my age, I'm 35.

LegacyUser

quiet and single 2 wrote: »

OP here again

The problem is mostly in situations where there are more than two people. Usually the other two people will take the conversation in a direction where I have no knowledge or nothing to add. I then drift out of conversation.

It's quite interesting you should say that as I have come across this quite often and I have come to the conclusion that it's really, really ignorant of the people who take the conversation in a direction where a person who is present has no interest.
It happened to me the other night. Me and and another guy were talking about going to the gym and fitness habits etc. There was another fella there who was a little older and didn't go to the gym and wasn't into fitness. We could see he was being left out of the conversation and when he went to the jacks we said this to ourselves and started talking about politics as we know he is interested in this.
When he came back he was able to get involved in the conversation again. Me and my friend like talking about politics as much as we like talking about gym and fitness anyway so we didn't mind. Not everyone is as considerate as that though and some people will quite happily blab on about their favourite subject endlessly without caring a jot that someone who is listening to it is bored rigid.
It's selfish of them so maybe you are putting too much blame on yourself. However, in order to be able to interact socially, you have to have interests and hobbies (what are your interests and hobbies?).
Becoming socially adept is hard but not impossible. First of all you have to enjoy people's company: before you head out for a night say "God I'm really looking forward to meeting so-and-so tonight...". If your attitude is "Oh God I've got to meet these people now and talk and converse with them when I don't want to" then you will probably not have much to say.
Bear in mind that a lot of conversation that goes on in pubs and clubs is pure s***e. I've observed conversations about silly, humourous things that you would never discuss in the workplace. That's because when people are out socially they want to unwind and have a laugh and not have to talk about the serious issues that they have to talk about in work.
Talking socially is a learned skill and you probably are at a disadvantage if you didn't develop socially when you are younger (same thing happened to me).
However don't despair, it's never too late, you can still learn, you just need to keep going out and talking to people. It will be hard at first but the more you meet the same people the more you will have to discuss with them the next time you meet them. You find out more about them so you can casually ask a question "So how did you get on at that interview/concert/wedding you were telling me about the last time I was talking to you?"
People love this as it shows they are interested in them without being nosey (those are not personal questions).People will like you for that.
I guarantee you you will be surprised at how easy it becomes over time. I am speaking from experience;I've been there. I am by no means a social animal (I don't want to be;I am happy in my own skin) but I have improved my social skills a lot in the past year.
What someone earlier posted about making mental notes of discussion topics in advance of meeting people is a good one (I am convinced everyone does this).
I know it's inevitable that when you compare yourself with people who are more socially adept than you that you compare yourself with the most talkative person you know. This is a mistake; not everyone is like this and hey, the person that is blabbing his/her head off may be a little irritating to some people. He/she may be talking a lot but that doesn't mean the people that are listening are actually interested.
I know if you don't have many friends it can be hard to be improve your social skills so joing a club (or clubs) is a great idea.
But don't quit after one or two meetings. Give it time as you may find when you go there first there are people that know each other for years and you may feel left out.
You will get to know them better over time (if you make the effort).
Listen,when I was in my late teens/early twenties I had terrible acne and it affected me terribly socially. I turned into a virtual recluse for a few years. I still have problems talking to people but I have improved. I'll probably never be a motormouth (you probably never will be either) but don't dwell on it, stop thinking about it and be happy,smile and be pleasant. Projecting positivity will bring you positive things.
Life is too short to punish yourself like this mate; make it your New Year's Resolution to do this.
Sorry about the long post;I hope it made some sense :-)

LegacyUser

I don't know what to do. I've been reading Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway but it doesn't seem to inspire me to change.

The situation is getting worse now as my friends are all married and I'm the only singleton. This means that on NYE, Xmas, etc I have no one to go out socialising with. I have trouble making friends at the best of times.

I just feel that I'm now at a place in life where it is a perfect recipe for a mental disaster - no love life, no friends, social phobias, no vision of my future.

I can't see anything in my future other than work and death. I'm so scared. It is weird in that during the day when I am pre-occupied doingt hings that there is no real feelings on this, but at night I realise I am alone and cannot see a way out.

I hope that counselling will help, but realistically what can it achieve?

I cannot see myself improving my conversational skills without getting the opportunity to get out and practice and I have no one to go out with. It is a self fulfiling problem.

I just like the end is here for me in terms of my social life, chances of a family, etc.

I don't want to be in my mid thirties and in this situation - let alone in my forties. I keep reaching out for help (Counselling again soon) but nothing is clicking.

I try, but I can't do anything to help myself. I often think about joining POF or similar, but I don't have the confidence to do so as I am inexperienced in this area and my conversation skills are rubbish.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you ever heard of Toastmasters, OP?

It is a public speaking organisation. It might be worth looking at. It will help build your confidence. It will educate you (!) It will give you an interest, and it will help you to meet people.

Check out their website, there are various groups around the country.

greenteaicedtea

quiet and single 2 wrote: »

OP here again

The problem is mostly in situations where there are more than two people. Usually the other two people will take the conversation in a direction where I have no knowledge or nothing to add. I then drift out of conversation.

It can then seem to others that I am disinterested or bored. This has been where the comments come from.

If you are getting feedback that you seem disinterested or bored, maybe your eye contact or body language is giving off the wrong message.

When they talk in front of you, do you turn away, or keep facing them and keep eye contact? If you face them and look at who's talking and react (eyebrows, nodding), then they may try to keep including you in the conversation.