Am I being ungrateful?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been going out for 9 months and he's always been brilliant to me. I lost my Granny 2 months ago and I couldn't have asked for better support from him. The thing is I work in Engineering and have had very little work the whole year but decided to save up to get him the best Christmas present that he deserves.

Anyway, he lives on the other side of the country and left for home today so we went out to have our own "Christmas dinner" last night and gave each other our Christmas presents afterwards. He works in a fairly well paid job so I suppose I was a bit surprised when I opened my present and saw he'd spent significantly less than I did on him.

I know it's the thought that counts and I feel bad for feeling this way but am I right to be disappointed that he didn't want to spend as much on me as I did for him? I suppose I kinda feel like I really made an effort to scrimp and save to get him something great whereas he could have spent equally as much or more on me without any real effort but didn't bother or didnt want to.

Am I being ungrateful or would anyone else feel disappointed in this situation too?

Stheno

Did you like the gift he got you?

You do sound ungrateful if the first thought you had on opening the gift was "oh it's less than what mine to him cost"

LegacyUser

If you have been going out for 9 months, then you have no history of Xmas presents or how much to spend on them. He may well come from a family that go for modest gifts, or he may not have wanted to buy an expensive present as he would have known that things were a bit tight for you. Either way, you cannot draw a useful conclusion from a sample of one, especially as he is good to you in general.

DerekDGoldfish

Perhaps with your limited income this year he didnt expect you to spend much and didnt want to embarrass you with a more expensive gift to remind you that he earns more than you. Also 9 months is a relatively short time knowing what kind of gift is expected from an other half at that stage is quite difficult.
But most importantly the thought of the gift is important and not its cost. Many men (including myself) are crap at buying presents it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you.

ian87

Maybe he thought if he spent less than he could have it would have put less pressure on you to produce an expensive gift. Or like most of us men, he hasn't a clue and just got it majorly wrong without even knowing..

Stavro Mueller

When I'm thinking about gifts to give to people, I try to get them something roughly equivalent in value to what they're giving me. Perhaps that is the logic that your boyfriend works on too. He may have thought that because money has been tight for you this year, that he'd not go over the top and get you an expensive present, thinking that you'd be giving him something modest.

R.D. aka MR.D

I think that you are being unfair to him. Most men that I have met don't think in the same terms as we do about xmas presents and such.

I think you should move on and forget about it. In the future you should do what I do when it comes to xmas and have a little chat about it in November. This year I asked my OH if it would be okay if we didn't do xmas presents and just went out for a nice dinner when he comes back(he's visiting his family in another country).

With previous boyfriends we've discussed price limits etc.

Honestly, it avoids so much hassle in a relationship!

Lorna123

I understand how you feel OP, as you probably felt that the bigger the present the more he loved you, but this is not always the case. I would say that men feel more awkward about giving presents than women do and don't place as much importance on them either. Don't think about this anymore OP, it just means that your b/f was not thinking about presents in the same way that you were and as the relationship develops things will most probably change in that department. You did what you wanted to do regarding his present and I am sure he appreciated it and don't forget you don't give for what you get back. That is the bottom line.

LegacyUser

Stheno wrote: »

Did you like the gift he got you?

You do sound ungrateful if the first thought you had on opening the gift was "oh it's less than what mine to him cost"

+ 1 have to agree OP. The price sticker attached to a gift is not important, it's the thought that goes into it giving it. I've had gifts that cost alot and ones that cost a quid but value them the same as both showed the giver knew me and had thought about giving me something I would like rather then how much it cost. Sorry but it does sound very ungrateful to be thinking about the cost of your gift vs theirs. You made the choice to save and spend your money on their gift but did you put more thought into the gift other then how much it was costing you?

CaraMay

I think you are being very unfair - do you expect him to spend more on you because he earns more? Did ye both pay for the Christmas dinner?

Lorna123

I think if anything OP you probably went ott and were then disappointed that he didn't do the same. Now I am not going to pretend that I wouldn't count the cost of a present I received too, because I think we all do. However, based on the fact that you have only been dating for 9 months and also that your b/f is very good to you I would just discount all of this and realize that some guys spend an arm and a leg on Christmas presents for the g/fs but don't treat them great for the rest of the year. Which would you prefer?

MistyCheese

You may have placed a little too much importance on the pricetag, instead of the thought, but at least you recognise it and haven't come on here with a thread titled "Mad that my boyfriend bought me a cheapo gift".

I would prefer to be grateful to my partner for supporting me through a difficult time than be grateful to him for spending X amount of money on a present.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think if anything OP you probably went ott and were then disappointed that he didn't do the same. Now I am not going to pretend that I wouldn't count the cost of a present I received too, because I think we all do. However, based on the fact that you have only been dating for 9 months and also that your b/f is very good to you I would just discount all of this and realize that some guys spend an arm and a leg on Christmas presents for the g/fs but don't treat them great for the rest of the year. Which would you prefer?

Hi, OP here again. Thanks for all the feedback. It seems my gut instinct was right and that I need to keep it zipped on this one. I think Lorna has probably hit the nail on the head in saying that I have gone OTT and am subsequently a little disappointed that he didn't feel inclined to do the same. I suppose my mindset is that, if you can't spoil your loved ones at Christmas time when can you?

Also, I don't think a boyfriend pushing the boat out at Christmas and being nice all year too are mutually exclusive things. I know in the big scheme of things this is largely trivial and it's certainly not something I plan on making an issue of. I guess I'm just wondering should I say something tactfully without hurting his feelings or just be grateful with what I've been given?

To answer someone else's question, no, unfortunately I don't like the gift that he got me at all really and I'm finding it hard to feign delight. It's not that it's cheap either, it's moderately expensive but just not really 'me'.

I think fundamentally what I'm disappointed about is that I pulled out all the stops to save up for something expensive that I knew he really wanted, whereas his gift to me is both less thoughtful and less expensive, despite him having greater resources at his disposal. Makes me wonder why he didn't want to do the same.

I'm very wary of appearing diva-ish over this though and I think I'll just count my blessings and say nothing

Esoteric_

087Unsure wrote: »

Hi, OP here again. Thanks for all the feedback. It seems my gut instinct was right and that I need to keep it zipped on this one. I think Lorna has probably hit the nail on the head in saying that I have gone OTT and am subsequently a little disappointed that he didn't feel inclined to do the same. I suppose my mindset is that, if you can't spoil your loved ones at Christmas time when can you?

Also, I don't think a boyfriend pushing the boat out at Christmas and being nice all year too are mutually exclusive things. I know in the big scheme of things this is largely trivial and it's certainly not something I plan on making an issue of. I guess I'm just wondering should I say something tactfully without hurting his feelings or just be grateful with what I've been given?

To answer someone else's question, no, unfortunately I don't like the gift that he got me at all really and I'm finding it hard to feign delight. It's not that it's cheap either, it's moderately expensive but just not really 'me'.

I think fundamentally what I'm disappointed about is that I pulled out all the stops to save up for something expensive that I knew he really wanted, whereas his gift to me is both less thoughtful and less expensive, despite him having greater resources at his disposal. Makes me wonder why he didn't want to do the same.

I'm very wary of appearing diva-ish over this though and I think I'll just count my blessings and say nothing

Forgetting about the price for a moment, you said you're upset about the lack of thought put into it. Is it something that he put ANY thought into? Like, if you love Mac make up and he bought you Urban Decay, there'd still be some thought there as he got you good make up, assuming you liked good make up.

Is it a case of him putting some, but not enough, thought into the gift for your liking, or does it seem to you like he put absolutely no thought into it?

Pricing wise, I do think it's really ungrateful to be unhappy about the price of something. He might not be a big believer in spending a fortune on somebody. An ex of mine used to spend around 40 euro on me for Christmas, while I'd spend anywhere between 150-200. It didn't bother me because I WANTED to spoil him, I didn't expect the same in return. I really think the thought put into a gift far outweighs the price of a gift.

judgefudge

I can see where you're coming from OP. I'm not sure if its worth saying anything. Considering you haven't been together that long really maybe he just wasn't sure what is "you". Some people are just bad gift buyers too, so it could be a case of that...

I would probably say nothing for the moment but if it is a recurring theme in the future maybe have a word with him.

LegacyUser

Well, I openned my boyfriend's presents today. We have been dating for only 2 months. I'm surprised that he has spent more than 10 times what I've spent on him. I hope my boyfriend. doesn't feel the same as you OP. I appreciate him but at the same time I feel uneasy received such expensive presents so your boyfriend might think the same, he doesn't want to make you feel uneasy and think he is over the top. I bought him less expensive presents, it doesn't mean I like him less or I'm not very thoughtful. You have been with yours for 9 months, surely you know how he treats you, he takes you out or be there for you when you need him is more than a few presents on Christmas. Just my opinion. I would get upset if he bought you nothing but that's not the case, I think you shouldn't look too much into it.

Stheno

judgefudge wrote: »

I can see where you're coming from OP. I'm not sure if its worth saying anything. Considering you haven't been together that long really maybe he just wasn't sure what is "you". Some people are just bad gift buyers too, so it could be a case of that...

I would probably say nothing for the moment but if it is a recurring theme in the future maybe have a word with him.

I'm with the OH four years, and this is our fifth Christmas.
The first one we didn't buy each other anything other than tokens as we'd been together about two months.

He's rubbish at buying presents and I'm fairly difficult to buy for as generally there isn't much I want.

Generally when we started going out he figured this out so now it's gotten to a point where I will say I want *x different things* and it's up to him which he wants to buy, it's like using a wishlist on amazon. He went slightly overboard last year, another year he had the singular choice of a drill I wanted, I forgot to do it for my birthday this year, so he took me to the local shopping centre and wombled about trying to see if I wanted something, until finally I laughed and asked if he was trying to figure out what to get me for my birthday and we had fun picking out something.

For this xmas I told him exactly what I wanted after checking his budget.

I think it gets easier the longer you are together, and it avoids this sort of hassle if you actually talk about it.

We swapped gifts tonight and are both happy with our gifts. OP next time you have an occasion e.g. anniversary which is coming up soon, talk to him in advance about how much he'd like to spend etc?

tunedout

Christmas is ruined

Stavro Mueller

I think you're being a bit hard on your boyfriend to be honest. I think you've been doing a bit too much assuming and are now disappointed because it turns out you weren't on the same wavelength. Something that can easily happen, especially if you're only going out 9 months.

Twice now you've mentioned his financial situation. You're assuming that because he has more money, that he should automatically be spending lots of money on a present for you. In my opinion, that's a jump in logic. It could also be that he didn't think he'd be getting an expensive present and didn't want to embarrass you. Have you considered that perhaps you might be in the wrong here too? Perhaps you're the one who should've been changing how much they spent on a present, not your boyfriend?

As for the gift itself, some people are not so good at choosing presents. You and your boyfriend are only going out 9 months and maybe he didn't know what to get you?

I think it'd be disingenuous to say anything to him about the present. What's done is done and unless the gift you got is something for everyday use, it'll be going into a drawer to be forgotten about in a few weeks time. Perhaps when it comes to a birthday or next christmas, ye could have a chat then and agree budgets etc. For the meantime though, I'd bite my tongue, grin and bear it.

Ickle Magoo

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Lorna123

087Unsure wrote: »

Hi, OP here again. Thanks for all the feedback. It seems my gut instinct was right and that I need to keep it zipped on this one. I think Lorna has probably hit the nail on the head in saying that I have gone OTT and am subsequently a little disappointed that he didn't feel inclined to do the same. I suppose my mindset is that, if you can't spoil your loved ones at Christmas time when can you?

Also, I don't think a boyfriend pushing the boat out at Christmas and being nice all year too are mutually exclusive things. I know in the big scheme of things this is largely trivial and it's certainly not something I plan on making an issue of. I guess I'm just wondering should I say something tactfully without hurting his feelings or just be grateful with what I've been given?

To answer someone else's question, no, unfortunately I don't like the gift that he got me at all really and I'm finding it hard to feign delight. It's not that it's cheap either, it's moderately expensive but just not really 'me'.

I think fundamentally what I'm disappointed about is that I pulled out all the stops to save up for something expensive that I knew he really wanted, whereas his gift to me is both less thoughtful and less expensive, despite him having greater resources at his disposal. Makes me wonder why he didn't want to do the same.

I'm very wary of appearing diva-ish over this though and I think I'll just count my blessings and say nothing

I most definitely would not say anything OP. We can't demand presents, they have to be given freely. No matter what you might say, thinking that you are being tactful, it will not come across any other way except critical.

I also feel sorry for you too at some level because you had this romantic idea in your head that your b/f would give you something that you could treasure and something that would mean something, and especially when you were all excited giving him what you knew he would like. Life is full of disappointments but I bet that this time next year things will be different.
I can think back myself to manys the time I received presents from boyfriends that I didn't really like. It is very difficult to get things right in the present line and that is why I hate giving presents.

If you can just think to yourself OP that you have the best present that anyone could give you.....HIM !!!

Happy Christmas.

Some people are good at buying presents, some people are not. It doesn't take anything from who they are. He has been there for you in every other way possible, especially when you need it the most - which is more important? There's also nothing wrong with telling him what you might like. I know I would much rather know; at least then I know it's something that would be useful to you.

Also, sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

castaway_lady

Def going overboard with this issue. If he's not generally mean the other 51 weeks of the year then you simply have mismatched Christmas/present shopping mindsets.
Fellas can be so clueless with buying presents and it doesnt bother most of them. He may have a very sensible approach to how he spends his money in a recession and spending big on one day of the year might not be on his radar. How do you know but that he has more financial commitments than you know about?

Build a bridge and all that......