Coming to terms with GAY

kingfisherdove

Hi all I don't intend this post to be about coming out to others. I mean it in terms of coming to terms with being gay yourself; so coming out to yourself and be content with that.

Being gay is the single most challenging thing that I have ever faced in my life at 21 years of age, and I have gone through difficult circumstances in my life.

From my perspective this is what I see I'm facing:

How do you come to terms when you try so hard to find someone but are always let down?

How do you come to terms when all the guys you like are straight and could never like you?

How do you come to terms when you live in a rural community and you could become the talk of the town if they found out?

When normal gay guys that are not too flamboyant are so rare? Don't mean to offend anyone :rolleyes:

How do you come to terms when most people you meet aren't interested in loving you, they are interested in using you. Plenty of nice gay guys out there, I'm sure; and I've met a few in a friendship capacity, but when most of the ones you've kissed are trying to use you for temporary satisfaction?

I see many of my straight friends in relationships and can't help but be jealous; they find it so easily. :mad:

How do you come to terms when a mother is ashamed of what you are and is disgusted by the things you can't control?

How do you come to terms when friends can't understand what you're going through and you're so scared in them finding out because you don't want to lose them?

When friends actively make fun of gay guys or preach Bible about gays in your presence

Basically I don't know how this post will be received but how do you come to terms with this thing and be HAPPY. I know I've covered a lot in this! When there is so much in this world to be thankful for too!

However, for years gay has dominated my thoughts and I want to be at peace with this. I need to be at peace with this and am getting there. I prayed for a solution to this (as in turn straight), obviously never did or will happen. :rolleyes:

Anyway thanks all, appreciate any positive feedback

Ash885

I'm a long term lurker of these forums. Never really thought I'd make an account or talk on the forums. But reading your post, and finding that it fits my life EXACTLY is making me just want to reg. and thank you. Age, rural, feeling alonge...sucks!

I was always worried about telling my parents and family, but I feel it's going to take far longer to come to terms with it myself. It's hard growing up with the idea of how your life is going to turn out, only to discover within yourself that it's not going to happen.

That's not to say I can't make a life for myself; I'm thankfully getting that. But it's just hard being fed how a typical life goes by, finding out your gay, and just punching the air and going "Why me?"

But then I guess who wants an average life. I usually embrace difference is everything, just got to accept it as a big part of my own life.

Thanks for posting.

cartell_best

kingfisherdove - You ask so many questions, and I honestly hope you find the answers, I really do. When I came out, as probably like a lot of lads, was no easy task. I wouldn't attempt to start answering your questions in depth, point for point, because it wouldn't be fair. I know this is going to sound like a cliché but, its just so different for each person. We all get upset about things in life, especially when we're gay and haven't a clue what's going on, whether you live in a town with 800 or a city with 800,000, it happens. Being flamboyant? Lad, we're living an ever changing world and if someone comes across as being eccentric at any age, is not by any means, stereotypical. Everyone is an individual, everyone is different. The people, some..in my experience that meets someone interested in one thing (one stands and stuff), it goes across the board, straight or gay.

A parent that's ashamed of you? They're your parent, they know nothing but love for you, even if you think otherwise (and please believe me, I am not being patronising). 90% of my friends are straight and the vast majority have been my friends for years and if any of them had said or felt themselves compelled themselves to say something that was in any way derogatory towards who I am, then sir, I would have reconsidered their value in my life (that's just my experience). If anybody in my company ever started taking the p*ss about gay people, in my company, I would and have walked away, because, it was then I realised, they're on a completely different level of thinking than I am. I like to think that most people don't go out of their way to derive pleasure from taking the proverbial from other people's situations, simply because, everyone has something going on in their lives. When it comes to the bible, I plead the fifth amendment. Some people use the bible to the extent of borderline contempt and for that reason, I would pay little attention to.

In order for any person, be they gay or straight....we just need to find that part of life that we're happy in and NOT dependent on its outcome, simply because of what we may think other people think of us. Life is too short. And to put a certain lady's quote in context "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” We've all loved and lost, the thing is, we need to keep getting up, because it does work out. Even if you think the entire planet is against you, they're not, it just seems that way. Peace

kingfisherdove

Thanks for the response guys.

I know I covered a lot but they are questions that relate to acceptance of being gay; and they are the factors I see that make it tougher to be at peace with it and thanks Ash you seem to be at a similar stage to me.

And besides that, I'm sorry about 'flamboyant', it was a very bad choice of words, what I really meant was bitchy and shallow. Of course people are different and difference is a good thing; not necessarily bitchiness and being superficial tho!

Yeah promiscuousness is across the board alright but from my viewpoint it is definitely more a feature of some gay life being honest and it's undeniable; some move too fast altogether and jump from one to another; and sites like Gaydar and the likes are just ridiculous.

Maybe it's just the people in the past I have come accross. Like many I reached out and sought help in a college society. I can only speak for one college LGBT and this is where my point comes in. Better not mention where but the LGBT at my college made it very difficult for any regular guy who happens to be gay to feel secure in joining. They are very self-consumed and they have no confidentiality at all; unfortunately lots of promiscuous, shallow people. And also guys in positions of power within it trying to get with VULNERABLE newbies. I got to know one or two of them. I asked one to let me know of events so I could perhaps tag along sometime. He only ever spoke or messaged me when he was horny, like it's so ridiculous and sad.

So my viewpoint has been influenced by my reaction to their behavior as well as one or two guys who I met on gaydar. And I shouldn't have let it; but it did make one potential avenue of support I could have had blow out the window. This was because the two or three from the LGBT tainted my view of them all. It caused me to gave up on the college lgbt because I lost hope in them.

I'm sure my mother loves me of course, and I love her; and that's why I want to be make my parents proud, not ashamed of me. It is really upsetting actually.

A big helpful aspect in coming to terms is meeting like-minded people in similar situations and I have done that to an extent; some really sound gay guys; and this gives a lot of hope and support. So it's not all bad haha. But I find distance can be such a curse in these things tho, everything is city based; that being Dublin; it's not too far but with life's busyness it is a bit of a trek all the same.

I hope you're right that the world is not against any of us and I'm sure you are!!! Thanks man, for the response again

kingfisherdove

and just about friends giving out about gay people, it's tough when you get on so well with them and fear losing them. It's easy to say better off without them. One or two of them that are closest of all my friends have said some stuff and regardless of what they said they still bring positivity into my life in other ways. I think someday their minds will change

ninty9er

The one piece of "wisdom" I would offer is that your sexuality is not as big an issue for others as you think it is, or as it is for you. There is very little coming to terms for other people, the accept you or the don't, no huge internal struggle for them like for a gay person coming to terms with it.

I think it would be safe to say there are way more regular, non-camp gay guys than flamboyant camp gays, they just prefer to go to the average pub with their average friends making them nigh on impossible to seek out. You will of course find a decent proportion of such guys in any busy gay bar.

Yes Gaydar, Grindr, POF etc CAN be sleazy, but try being a good looking girl in a nightclub and you'll see straight guys are absolutely no different, they just don't have an app. There are as many sound guys on there as sleaze bags, and at least you can ignore, block and avoid them without fuss.

I can't speak for a small town, but why do those people's opinions matter? If you carry on as you always did, why should they care, you're not asking them to sleep with you, date you, marry you.

I never take "gay bashing" offensively unless it is meant to offend, people need to realise there's a whole big bad world out there that will never know your sexuality and will make the jokes on and on, whereas your friends will probably become too cautious to the point where you becoming pissed off at every sentence where "gay" is used in a slag will hamper your friendship far more than you actually being gay.

As for the college society, having been involved in socs administration, those issues need to be brought to the attention of whoever manages the college's societies, before any more people are taken advantage of, that's not an option for you, it's a necessity.

Richie15

I'm not trying to demean your experience by any means; on the contrary, I appreciate and respect the struggle many LGBT people go through, but for me it's been very easy. I wish I knew how this happened, I could write a book and make a fortune! :P

kingfisherdove wrote: »

Hi all I don't intend this post to be about coming out to others. I mean it in terms of coming to terms with being gay yourself; so coming out to yourself and be content with that.

In my case, these are inseparable. I've never lied about my sexuality, as soon as I realised myself the first thing I did (before I even did anything with the guy who was flirting with me) was text my best friend and say "I think I'm gay - or at least bi." For the most part I don't like to bring it up, but if anyone asks I tell them as much as they're interested in. Sometimes more, I'm still getting used to where the line is!

kingfisherdove wrote: »

From my perspective this is what I see I'm facing:

How do you come to terms when you try so hard to find someone but are always let down?

How do you come to terms when all the guys you like are straight and could never like you?

These aren't exclusively gay problems. I've been let down by a lot by women, in fact it's one of the reasons I decided to be more open with myself and try new things. And a few months ago I met the perfect woman - then met her girlfriend! :rolleyes:

kingfisherdove wrote: »

How do you come to terms when you live in a rural community and you could become the talk of the town if they found out?

I love the attention! :P

kingfisherdove wrote: »

When normal gay guys that are not too flamboyant are so rare?

They're (We're) not rare, just less noticeable.

kingfisherdove wrote: »

How do you come to terms when most people you meet aren't interested in loving you, they are interested in using you. Plenty of nice gay guys out there, I'm sure; and I've met a few in a friendship capacity, but when most of the ones you've kissed are trying to use you for temporary satisfaction?

Now, here's one I can identify with. If you figure it out, let me know!

kingfisherdove wrote: »

I see many of my straight friends in relationships and can't help but be jealous; they find it so easily. :mad:

Not a gay thing either, I've no luck on either side, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with...

kingfisherdove wrote: »

When friends actively make fun of gay guys or preach Bible about gays in your presence

I'd be more worried if my friends didn't make fun of me. I'd feel left out, everyone gets the piss taken for something, why should I be any different? I can take it! (They'd have some comment about that last statement, I know they would.) :P

As for the intolerance, I can cope with that too. There's some things I'm pretty intolerant about, but because it's not hurting anyone I try to mind my own business as much as is reasonable. Then anyone I know compromises by not doing those things around me. Reality TV for example. Can't stand it. But my friends know that, so they don't talk about it when I'm around. Likewise, some of my friends aren't comfortable with the whole "man love" thing so I try not to talk about it around them and we get on grand. Compromise.

kingfisherdove wrote: »

I need to be at peace with this and am getting there. I prayed for a solution to this (as in turn straight), obviously never did or will happen. :rolleyes:

And again, I got an easy way out! Being bi (or as I prefer to say, "I'm indecisive - or am I?" :P ), it was easy to hide the gay thoughts away in the back of my mind for years. Also, if I wanted to, I could get away with lying to other people for much longer. But I don't want to! Why would I? I'd just as soon lie about my love of driving. It's just a character trait, a part of who you are. Once you're not hurting anyone (which, as I'll say one more time, is not an exclusively gay thing), what does it matter whether you prefer men or women? Coffee or tea? Coke or Pepsi?

Hope I've helped a bit.

Aurongroove

so long as you look at places like here and other forums, you'll get a rounder experience of things then just a big bunch of randy vultures.

the questions you posted get posted quite a lot and it's usually never as grim as it first seems.