How do I get him to have more tact?

SparkySpitfire

My friends always say I let my beau away with things too easily. I do, I'll admit I'm a bit of a pushover sometimes. But my excuse always is that he never does anything with malice behind it or an intent to hurt me. But he does hurt me, quite often.

For instance, tonight is a perfectly ordinary example of his lack of thinking.

Last week I asked him to come on a night out with me.

Let me stress the importance of this as he works nights and I work days and we barely ever get the chance to go out together.

He excused himself by saying he was going out with other people on Sunday and Tuesday night and didn't want to drink again.

I was a bit miffed but thought, "okay, it's no big deal, let it go".

Now, he texts me saying that he's on his way out with the lads from work to a club in the town where I live.

Initially I'm furious because I feel he's just not considering my feelings at all. But then he adds how excited he is because he's never been asked out by the guys in work before. So now I just feel guilty for being angry but also still slightly angry.

This kind of thing happens all the time - not the same situation but the same outcome. Me upset and him not having a clue cos he never took the time to think how I'd feel.

How can I let him know without starting a fight? Will anything ever change?

TL:DR version, my bf doesn't consider my feelings (because it never occurs to him to think that I have any) and I'm upset.

HelloGiggles

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Me upset and him not having a clue cos he never took the time to think how I'd feel.

He knows that you asked him to go out with you. I wouldn't have forgotten if my boyfriend had asked me to go somewhere with him.

Just say it to him. You don't have to start a fight. You could say something like, "I was disappointed you didn't come with me the other night" then see what he says...

There is no point in it annoying you so much and not saying anything because if it is as you say then maybe he actually is clue less about the whole situation.

Speak to him.

SparkySpitfire

You're right... I'm just really hesitant to stand up for myself sometimes, I don't really like to rock the boat in relationships.

But I do have to talk because this is becoming a vicious cycle.

Dingle_berry

He just doesn't realise what he's doing and he doesn't realise how it affects you. I don't think it's intentional or spiteful or anything like that.
If he doesn't realise how something affects you and you don't tell him, how is he supposed to know?
I'd say chose an appropriate time (when you are together at home with plenty of time) and talk about it as calmly as possible. Think about it before you talk to him. This is already something that he doesn't get, that he doesn't see as an issue. Just telling him you're disappointed in him for going out with colleagues to feel included (I know it's not that simple - but does he?) could easily lead to an argument.

HelloGiggles

It really is okay to bring up issues that are bothering you, I know theres always that fear that it's going to turn into some major argument and he will leave you but you're not rocking the boat. You're in a relationship and things go wrong sometimes but it's actually grand to have a little tiff over things now and again... You need to be able to iron out all these little things so you can have a stronger relationship.

i'm sure you will be find if you Just mention it to him the next time you see him. It's nice that the guys from work have asked him out for the first time, but you're just as important

Best of luck

SparkySpitfire

Thanks a lot, both of you, your viewpoints were a welcome perspective that I never get from my man-hating friends... :P

Dingle_berry

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Thanks a lot, both of you, your viewpoints were a welcome perspective that I never get from my man-hating friends... :P

You're welcome
HelloGiggles is right it's OK to fight/tiff/argue. Even healthy if it resolves issues and restores balance. It's just important that you get your message accross in a way that he will understand.
Ask yourself what could, or should, he have done to make it OK? Or should he have told his colleagues no?

SparkySpitfire

Dingle_berry wrote: »

You're welcome
HelloGiggles is right it's OK to fight/tiff/argue. Even healthy if it resolves issues and restores balance. It's just important that you get your message accross in a way that he will understand.
Ask yourself what could, or should, he have done to make it OK? Or should he have told his colleagues no?

Well, I took my first step just there. I held my ground and actually told him that I was upset over it without starting a fight. He understood and apologised. He's still going out - which is fine with me because I want him to be happy and he's never had this chance before.

Hopefully when something like this occurs again I can do the same. Earlier I was on the verge of tears but even just telling him that what he did was upsetting made me feel so much better.
I just want to get to the stage where he'll think before he acts. And I think this may have been a small first step towards that.

Dingle_berry

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Well, I took my first step just there. I held my ground and actually told him that I was upset over it without starting a fight. He understood and apologised. He's still going out - which is fine with me because I want him to be happy and he's never had this chance before.

Hopefully when something like this occurs again I can do the same. Earlier I was on the verge of tears but even just telling him that what he did was upsetting made me feel so much better.
I just want to get to the stage where he'll think before he acts. And I think this may have been a small first step towards that.

Congrats. Keep up the communication!
If you haven't already maybe tell him you're glad/it's ok that he's going out with them? Or better, exactly what you said above.

HelloGiggles

Good woman:)