Break Up Advice

Brandon2592

So me and my ex broke up nearly a month ago now. We were having issues in the last month, fighting over silly things etc... but I just put this down to us both dealing with exam stress. He didn't seem sure about his decision saying he still loved me but we fight too much. One day that week he said we weren't broken up and then two days later he decided we were again.

It is an awkward situation as we both work together. I am not in a position where I can quit my job.

We were together for a year and it was a very intense relationship. I was basically living with him and we saw each other most days. There was very rarely a day where we were not in contact. The majority of the time it was him contacting me etc... I'm absolutely devastated that we are over and don't understand how he can just cut contact so suddenly and out of the blue. The night before we broke up he was telling me he loved me and treating me exactly as before.

I have cut contact with him except for situations in work as we obviously have to be professional. My co-workers say they often see him watching me though. Then two days ago he randomly sent me a link on Facebook to a private joke. This just threw me off as I'd been getting so used to the lack of contact. He finished his exams today, I finish tomorrow and then we have a work night out on Sunday at which I will definitely see him.

My question is how should I behave towards him? Was he just trying to be friendly sending me that joke or is he trying to start up contact again? Should I avoid him completely on Sunday as drink will be involved?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Taltos

This is a difficult one OP.
It could be his erratic behaviour is a result of stress and just feeling "trapped" for want of a better word. If you work together and spend all of your time with each other it can make a relationship really suffer.

However, this on again off again malarky does my head in. No-one needs that.

My suggestion to you is
a) Figure out what you really want - and if it is to be in a committed relationship with this guy don't settle for anything else. If he asks you to take him back make it clear that this time is the last time and you cannot put yourself through anymore childish messing. What could help here is not spending every evening with each other, follow your own interests and get a break from each other.
b) Don't drink to excess at your Christmas party - and whatever you do don't let the two of you end up together on the night. Go out and enjoy yourself but you are not someone else's booty call here. He dumped you and so until you both talk it out he doesn't deserve you.
c) When sober and away from work - try to talk it through - find out what happened and more importantly will it happen again.

Personally though this is one of the risks in getting involved with someone from work. You have to figure out if it's really worth the hassle or the pain. Seeing them every day is not easy and if you do let him back in what guarantee will you have that in a few months he won't change his mind again...

cantdecide

This has all the hallmarks of greater [seemingly very big] communication problems in your relationship. You haven't really spoken extensively about your past together. You say you're devastated and shocked but you say that he was more often the instigator of contact and you say that it appears that he is behaving in such a way that shows that he is also very hurt but your post leaves more questions than answers.

There's a lack of meaningful. information in your post. As above, I think you need to figure out what you really want from this relationship or indeed any other relationship. You don't even say if you love him or not or address your emotions in any meaningful way. If you decide that you WANT to be with him, from what I can garner, you need to be the one to declare intentions rather than passively standing by waiting for him to be clear.

Brandon2592

Yes communication was often a problem in our relationship. However, that was mainly on the part of my ex. I tried to get things out of him but he was not one to talk about feelings. We were trying to work on that the last few months.

Sorry for not being very informative I just didn't want to create a really long post nobody would read. I do love him, it took him a long time to say he loved me though. He would only say it when drunk up until maybe 2 months ago. He said he was afraid I wouldn't say it back. Again, this was down to bad communication. He did tell me at one point that his ex girlfriend told him he would have problems in future relationships because of his communication problems.

When he broke up with me I made it very clear I loved him and didn't want to break up but that doesn't seem to have had any effect on his decision.

I guess I'm just confused about where I stand as he is very good at hiding what he is thinking.

Lorna123

Brandon2592 wrote: »

When he broke up with me I made it very clear I loved him and didn't want to break up but that doesn't seem to have had any effect on his decision.

I guess I'm just confused about where I stand as he is very good at hiding what he is thinking.

You laid our cards on the table OP so there is nothing more you can do now. This guy did the same, he told you he wanted to finish with you and that is all you have to go on. It is now over and that is where you stand today.

I would not analyze anything he does from now on. If he wants you back he knows how to get you back, but sending you a joke is not the way to do it. Unless he asks you back do not read anything into anything more he does.

Do not drink too much on Sunday because you need to have a clear head if he approaches you, which I am sure he will. Be nice and polite but do not initiate any talk about the relationship, as it will not be the time or the place.

You could very well both get back together in the future but you have to now wait for him to initiate any discussion about it. Your hands are tied. He knows how you feel, so leave it up to him.