Feedback on chapter one please

belly19

Hi, below is a draft of the first chapter of a project I'm working on. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!!

1.
The sound of their laughter made his skin crawl as the train lolled him from side to side. Outside the sun beamed intensely in the clearest of blue skies, the reason for the cacophony of joy that now swirled through his carriage. Feelings of claustrophobia also engulfed his blackened brain adding to the discomfort on this ever growing hell of a trip, leaving him to curse the fact that his meeting with Bill could not have been later. A cold sweat now ran steadily down his spine as children of different ages ran past his seat ecstatic at the prospect of their upcoming day on the beach, located two stops after his own. Their playful franticness and sheer numbers, added to the already sweltering temperature within the fast moving cylinder. Aware of his own odour he knew that the slightly overweight teenage girl unlucky enough to have to take the only remaining seat next to him could probably smell it too. This awareness made him decide to try and spend the rest of the journey in the nearest unlocked bathroom away from the din and his gradually strengthening pungent redolence. Grunting at his unwilling travel companion, he awkwardly shoved past her as she let him from the seat causing her to mutter some inaudible expletive under her breath.


The true extent of the heat on board hit him as he tried to avoid the kids that ran past his legs, making him feel more light headed and nauseous than he already did. Mothers shouted at their seedlings to slow down or to stop annoying the other passengers and come back to the seat as he passed, which further hurt his fragile skull. Trying the handle of the first door he came to, a wave of relief swept through him to find it open. The smell of urine and bleach filled his senses and with just enough time to manage the lock, caused him to vomit into the freshly stained, faeces speckled toilet. Wiping the after foam from around his mouth, he felt strangely better after expelling the bile water that had come up from his insides. While still scathingly warm, the billow of fresh cool air coming from the tiny fan above also added to this newly found false sense of well- being. He glanced himself in the cubicles tiny mirror and was greeted by the same gaunt, skeletal features that had stared back at him for almost a month now, so quickly looked away. The flusher on the toilet was out of order so rather than reflect on his recent deposit any longer he closed down the cracked seat and perched on it with his head in his hands, wishing the journey over.


A sudden wrapping on the door shot him out of his self-pity before an authoritative voice demanded ‘tickets please’. Using the sink to assist him, he slowly rose and fumbled with the lock. After what seem an eternity he finally managed to open the door and was met with a burly black ticket conductor with a well lived in face as he did so. ‘Tickets please’, the man repeated, staring suspiciously at the pale, sweating mess that now stood before him. Unable to make eye contact, the realisation that the sought after rail ticket was in his jacket that had lay under him on the seat made him panic. ‘I left it at my seat’, he blurted out ‘I’ll have to go back for it, if that’s ok’. Not seeming to believe his response, the uniform clad inspector followed him back to where he had been not long before.


The overweight teenager was now occupying the window seat and moved his tattered denim jacket onto the one adjacent to her. He picked it up, found the ticket and showed it to the inspector still avoiding his eye. ‘Ok’, said the burly black train official as he punched the card, ‘you enjoy the rest of your journey’ and moved down the carriage. Clasping his jacket and under the scrutinous gaze of the heavy teen, he shuffled his way back to the safety of the cubicle relieved to find it still unlocked. Assured there should not be any further disturbance he locked the door and waited for his stop. When the announcement for his stop did eventually come, he exited the train and made his way out of the station becoming engulfed by the grey, hard city that he had once loved.


Lazlo Grey had not always been the sweat soaked shell of himself that now stood in the litter strewn street outside the station. Before, he had had the pretty but not too bright girlfriend, the well paid job and the loyal (or so he thought) lifelong best friend. Within the space of six days however this reality was destroyed and he now was making his way to buy the gun that would in his twisted logic, avenge the wrongs that he felt he had incurred. A logic that he hoped would leave three people dead including himself.

baalthor

I would suggest starting the chapter with the last paragraph !