How to let her go gently...?

LegacyUser

Hello all,
I’m here looking for advice in a predicament I find myself in.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. I am in my mid-thirties and she is a little younger, so we aren’t kids…
When we started going out, I had recently come out of a very LTR, which ended very badly (against my wishes). When I met my GF, I did all the chasing. It took me a while to “reel her in” for want of a better phrase, but within a few weeks we were boyfriend/girlfriend and within 5 or 6 months we were living together. Circumstances seemed to make it all very convenient. So it was all very fast, much too fast when I think about it now, but at the time I would not have done it any other way - being with her gave me great relief/comfort/love at a time when I really needed it, and I felt at the time that I really loved her and she loved me. So I found myself jumping from one relationship straight into another.

The early stages of the relationship were great. We had great laughs, did activities together, weekends, holidays… all the usual BF/GF stuff. However there were always significant issues hanging over us that I wasn’t happy with. The main prevailing issue that has always come between us is intimacy, or lack thereof. Her lack of interest/desire in that department has frequently caused upset between us and even worse, her lack of interest or motivation in doing anything about it. I pleaded with her to take some counseling sessions in the hope it would help us and eventually she agreed – but in my view she always approached the sessions half-heartedly and nothing’s really improved – ever. The counseling eventually petered out and I lost interest in encouraging her to go.
Generally speaking, if I don’t initiate sex (or intimacy of any kind beyond a peck on cheek), it doesn’t happen. I should say that there are physical (psychologically related) issues that make the physical act of sex uncomfortable for her, which I have tried my best to be understanding of. The counseling sessions were supposed to help resolve these issues – but the reality is, it hasn’t improved much at all and it is very frustrating.

Anyway, here I am almost 3 years into the relationship, which if I am being honest, would trundle along as it is for another while at least. Doing nothing seems like the easy option. There is no doubting we have drifted apart, almost living separate lives with different interests and sets of friends. Which is good in one way. We are not over-dependent on one another. She has a very independent lifestyle, as do I. The sad thing is, I feel like she is my house mate who happens to sleep beside me.

However, things have recently gotten very complicated for me. Through a friend of mine, I recently became close to another woman. I am not proud of this and it’s completely against my nature and I know it is wrong. But I have really enjoyed this girl’s company and can’t get her out of my mind. We seem to have loads in common, we are even from the same village, although I didn’t know her growing up. We have a similar sense of humour, we really clicked instantly. We have been texting a lot and we have kissed a little on our few meetings, and that’s as far as it has gone… so far.

I’m not here looking for judgment. I know what I am doing is wrong. What I am here for is advice on how to end things with my GF and minimize the inevitable pain and hurt. I know that this other girl is a catalyst – that my relationship with my GF is doomed, whether I ever met the other girl or not. The shoe was on the other foot 3.5 years ago. I was dumped and I will never forget the pain I endured. Having said that, I find myself wondering if my GF would be that shocked or taken aback if I did call it a day. Maybe she has similar doubts, and things she has said (half jokingly?) to me lately have indicated that.

We are coming up to Christmas. She is due to go back to her home (other side of country) for the Xmas period and the plan, at least for now, is for me to join her there, at her home, for New Years. I am now dreading this plan. I will feel like a fraud and it’ll all be a happy act. What is the right thing to do? I don’t want to crush her 3 days before Xmas, but maybe it would be for the best? Let her join her family and friends at home on her own? I can’t imagine a worse time of the year to get this news. If I don’t let her down now, when will I do it? Go to her family home and playing happy families seems really wrong too. There’s never a good time I guess. I just don’t know what to do. This girl has been in my life for 3 years. We have shared a lot together, this situation is so difficult.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Merkin

There's never a good time. I broke up with an LTR the day before his birthday. If it's not Christmas, it's an anniversary. If it's not an anniversary, something else is happening. If you know that there is no future in it then rip off the plaster. At least then she can use the time at home with her family and friends to get used to the idea and process it all. And if things are as rubbish as you say then she probably won't be all that shocked.

CaraMay

Finish it. Maybe she will go out on a night over Xmas and meet someone who won't cheat on her. Best to do it today.

ibarelycare

Finish with her. The relationship is long over from the sounds of things. She will be able to spend the holidays surrounded by friends and family who will help support her through the break up. Whether you do it now or in the new year, her friends and family are going to say you're selfish (which, judging by the situation with the other girl, you kind of are, not to mention cowardly) so just get it over and done with.

And you seriously need to be single for a while. You know what you're doing with the other girl is wrong but would you really be finishing with your girlfriend if it wasn't for her? You say you would but I don't know. You seem extremely co-dependent and like you want to jump straight into yet another relationship with this new girl. Do yourself and the new girl a favour and take a step back from relationships for a while. Otherwise you could easily be back on here in another 3 years writing out the same post.

Emme

OP, the longer you leave it before you finish with this girl the longer you will waste her time. You've wasted 3 years of her life already so finish it as gently as possible.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, you are all kinda confirming what I already know, hand on heart - including the bit about staying single for a while.
I'm going to talk to her tonight.

ElleEm

Good luck, man.

ilovenerds

OP, well done for taking the initiative to end your relationship before it deteriorates into nothing.

Please don't get into a relationship with the new girl without taking some time by yourself. Otherwise you will be repeating this behaviour of jumping into one relationship after another.

You need some time to be single and see that being alone for once isn't as scary as it seems.

Good luck.

CaraMay

Oh and don't tell her about the other girl.

professore

Emme wrote: »

OP, the longer you leave it before you finish with this girl the longer you will waste her time. You've wasted 3 years of her life already so finish it as gently as possible.

And wasted 3 years of your own life. I would pursue the other woman though, but take it easy.

LegacyUser

OP here again. Well, I ended it lastnight. It was hard, very hard and she took it badly. I feel like such a horrible person, this close to Xmas, I've broken her heart. She'd even already bought me a thoughtful Xmas present, it's truely a terrible situation.

I feel really weird today. I miss her. I'm thinking of all the happy days we shared. I felt so sorry and sad for her as i left our home for work this morning. I'm questioning my decision. Did I do the right thing? Are these feelings of uncertainty normal? I obviously wasn't entirely happy in the relationship, but I feel very sad today too.

dellas1979

Yeah-feelings of uncertainty and sadness are normal. But you must remember why you broke up with her. It wasnt working, for you. Do you want to keep going on having a sexless life/relationship/marriage, where the end result is cheating?

She needs to sort herself out, re sex life issues, and maybe then ye have a fighting chance. You/she tried when ye were together, and it didnt work.

Chronic Button

dellas1979 wrote: »

She needs to sort herself out, re sex life issues, and maybe then ye have a fighting chance.

Er, she has done nothing wrong. Sort herself out? FFS, she's just been dumped by her cheating partner. You have no idea what she may have been through to cause psycho-sexual problems.

A fighting chance would probably begin with fidelity.

OP you have done the right thing to end it. Your sadness will lift. More importantly, so will her's, in time.

dellas1979

Chronic Button wrote: »

Er, she has done nothing wrong. Sort herself out? FFS, she's just been dumped by her cheating partner. You have no idea what she may have been through to cause psycho-sexual problems.

A fighting chance would probably begin with fidelity.

OP you have done the right thing to end it. Your sadness will lift. More importantly, so will her's, in time.

Er, who said she had done anything wrong?

I am replying from what the OP said. You, nor I, nor him knows what her issue is. He wants sex, she doesnt, for what ever reason = issue = not working for him.

Taltos

Guys - no advice don't post.
Keep your quibbling out of the thread, just derails the advice for the OP.

Taltos

Lorna123

I think it is a pity you chose 3 days before Christmas to end your relationship. I don't agree with this at all. I would not break up with someone so close to Christmas and I would say that a lot of your misgivings are because you did this at this time. You know best OP, hope you have a Happy Christmas.

ABajaninCork

Nah. I don't agree. No time is ever a good time to break up. If he didn't break up with her now, when was he going to do it?

Not straight after Christmas - Too close.
End of Jan - too close to Valentine's day.

And so it goes on. It was much kinder to finish it now, OP than to leave the poor girl hanging thinking everything was cool. Hopefully, she's going to find someone who'll better suited to her than the OP.

But I wouldn't be rushing to fill the vacancy just yet, OP. You need to take time out.

judgefudge

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Nah. I don't agree. No time is ever a good time to break up. If he didn't break up with her now, when was he going to do it?

Not straight after Christmas - Too close.
End of Jan - too close to Valentine's day.

And so it goes on. It was much kinder to finish it now, OP than to leave the poor girl hanging thinking everything was cool. Hopefully, she's going to find someone who'll better suited to her than the OP.

But I wouldn't be rushing to fill the vacancy just yet, OP. You need to take time out.

Ordinarily I would agree with this... However, 3 days is very close to Xmas. I meant a week or two before even would have been better. But 3 days?! The new year or even just after Xmas would probably be easier. And valentines day is not as big a deal as Xmas. For a lot of people Xmas can be stressful and seeing family, pretending to be happy can be difficult when you have literally just broke up with someone.

I do agree there is never a good time to break up, but there are still worse times.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Appreciate the replies, thank you.
I know my timing could have been a lot better, I totally accept that. I do feel very bad about it, but it's done now... The pressure of enforced Xmas happiness kinda got on top of me and I felt I had to go. Selfish I know. On the upside, she's now at home with her family and close friends, and will be there till early Jan. Had I done this any other time of year, she'd have to get on with her regular work routine here with no family support nearby.
Regardless, I should have done this weeks or even months ago, but I was tormented. I so wanted the relationship to work, having invested so much time and energy into it. I kept telling myself that everything would be ok, that my concerns could be outweighed by the positive aspects of the relationship. I suppose meeting this new girl opened my eyes a bit and gave me that shove to make a decision. I know timing was terrible, and that's something I'll have to live with.

Thanks guys.

CaraMay

On the contrary there are plenty of family and friends around and she is likely to be very busy. It's better than a random weekend in January when everyone is in hibernation.