The dreaded 'texting' dilema...10yr old

Fittle

I'll keep this as short as I can and would really appreciate your comments on whether I did the right thing here, particularly since it is just the beginning of an issue that will no doubt, happen again.

So my 10yr old boy (almost 11) has just started using his mobile phone for texting - it's all quite innocent at the moment, there are some girls etc, but it's all just 'hiya' and so on. I keep an eye on the texts and have told him all about the dangers that might be involved in texting people you don't know etc.

I take the phone off him at 9pm every night and he gets it back after school.

Last night, he was asleep and his phone started beeping constantly. There were 9 text messages from the same girl, all saying 'Why are you being such a pr*ck, you a**hole' (with many faces and exclamation marks etc). She is 12 and a friend of a friend of his, so I don't know her at all.

I didn't know what to do, but thought I'd better nip this in the bud, so I rang her and asked her if I could speak to her mam or dad. She nearly died when she heard it was an adult on his phone, and said her parents were both out. At this point, I explained to her that I had read her texts, that my son was only 10 and that they were very inappropriate texts to be sending to anyone, but particularly to a ten year old boy (she was asking him why he was being such a pr*ck, because he hadn't replied to a previous text she sent him).

She started crying, begged me not to tell her parents and I said I'd ring her again tomorrow, to speak to her mam or dad.

Next thing, there were about 10 texts from her, begging me to ring her back.

So I did and told her I would let it go this time, but that she wasn't to text him such horrible texts again, that I had no problem with her texting him, but not to text him like that again. She was very apologetic and I agreed to leave it at that (we spoke for a good bit and I think she was ok by the end of it).

So I hardly slept. Wondering if I did the right thing. She was very distressed and of course, now I feel so guilty that I might have played some part in her being so upset and what the consequences might be. But at the same time, I didn't want her to continue texting him like this, and felt I handled it correctly....did I???

The Big Red Button

Did you speak to your son first? Is he aware of any of this?

I take it that her parents still know nothing?

Your son may be 'only ten', but this girl is a similar age!

In my opinion, either leave it between the kids, or discuss it between the adults. Personally I don't think it's appropriate for you, as a parent, to communicate with a 12 year old girl by phone like this, without involving her parents.

If those texts had come from your son, and the girls parents had gotten involved, wouldn't you rather be in the know?

CrazyRabbit

Sounds like see might have learned her lesson. Of course she got a shock, but if it stops such behaviour, then it's fine IMHO. And you gave her a chance to correct her own behaviour rather than going to her parents...which I support as well. Of course, if she repeats her behaviour then the parents would need to get involved.

It probably also helped her realise that she can never know who will see the texts/pictures she sends. That might protect her later on.

I think you handled it perfectly.

BroLo

You handled it well enough, but you should have involved the parents, and informed your son, if you haven't. Best be safe than the girl turns around in a week and says you verbally abused/threatened her on the phone or something along those lines, because logs will show you did talk to her.

Fittle

Firstly, I am far from a mammy who thinks her son is 'only ten' and wouldn't have the capacity to send similar texts. But he has been using this phone for about 6wks now, and all his texts have been 'hi' and very innocent stuff (arranging to go out and so on), so there's not a hope that he would have sent similar texts to anyone ( I am under no illusion that he might as he gets older, but right now, he wouldn't).

I am concerned that I probably should have followed through and dealt with her parents directly, but I don't know this girl at all, haven't even a clue where she lives. She is a friend of a friend of his, who was on the road yesterday and put her number in all the boys phones saying she would text them all later (I've been told this today from the others who were around when it happened).

I know that if I was her mother, I wouldn't be impressed that an adult had rang her last nite, which is why I'm so concerned about how I handled it last night and am asking for advice here.

Fittle

Should have said above sorry, my son was asleep last night when the texts came through, but I explained it all to him this morning. He said she wasn't a nice girl anyway, he only met her yesterday, and that if all his friends slag him about it, he understands that I did the right thing (he actually asked me if this was like the girls in Donegal:(, so obviously is aware of the issue).

piperh

I'm not so sure on this one it's a tough call, there are 2 aspects to this. By getting involved in this way you've opened your son up to a chance of bullying and alienating him from friends if she tells other kids his Mom reads his messages and phoned me up. The others will undoubtably take the pee out of him, not saying it's right but it will have some repercussions. * just saw your post saying he understands but unfortunaly it won't make it any easier.

The other side of it is you've opened yourself up to all sorts of allegations by dealing with the child directly, she can accuse you of saying anything. And lets be honest few of us parents appreciate someone else chastising our children.

Personally i would have spoken to my son and told him to have a word with his friend and said if it happened again i would then be going to her parents.
* if she came into see one of the other children and you know their parents it wouldn't hurt to mention what happened to them, saying you don't expect them to get involved but were just curious about this girl.

Fittle

piperh wrote: »

Personally i would have spoken to my son and told him to have a word with his friend and said if it happened again i would then be going to her parents.
* if she came into see one of the other children and you know their parents it wouldn't hurt to mention what happened to them, saying you don't expect them to get involved but were just curious about this girl.

See, I thought this myself, but honestly, he's a complete gobsh*te when it comes to stuff like this...he would have taken it all on board, assumed he WAS a pr*ck and an a**hole and that this girl was right...he is only barely using this phone, and quite naive. He is growing up and maturing in other ways, but I know him, and these texts would have floored him, which is why I thought if I dealt with it directly last night, it might nip it in the bud.

Look, I know I might be coming across as a mam who thinks her son isn't as copped on as other kids...but he isn't, just yet. I know he will be soon, but right now, he's still very naive and would have continually asked me why this girl would call him these names etc.

Edit; Yes, I could possibly have spoken to the parents of the friend of this girl...and I might still..but last night, I just wanted to ensure that she realised what she was sending him wasn't acceptable.

January

I really think you need to speak to the parents of this girl, let them know what happened and keep a record of all texts sent to the phone.

Fittle

Well, having let him read the texts this morning, he deleted them, and deleted her number. But I will talk to the parents of her friend later.

mr bungle.

a similar thing happened to me with my son.he was nine at the time and i noticed a few nasty comments from a class mate.he had sent through the play station network.i told my son to reply to him that i have read the messages and will le speaking to his father after school the next day.he quickly replied Joe apologised,blaming his younger brother who is five!no problems since and they get on fine now.he got a big fright as did the girl.she will have learned her lesson.she knows now the consequences.i think you handled the situation spot on.

CrazyRabbit

Fittle wrote: »

Firstly, I am far from a mammy who thinks her son is 'only ten' and wouldn't have the capacity to send similar texts. But he has been using this phone for about 6wks now, and all his texts have been 'hi' and very innocent stuff (arranging to go out and so on), so there's not a hope that he would have sent similar texts to anyone ( I am under no illusion that he might as he gets older, but right now, he wouldn't).

I am concerned that I probably should have followed through and dealt with her parents directly, but I don't know this girl at all, haven't even a clue where she lives. She is a friend of a friend of his, who was on the road yesterday and put her number in all the boys phones saying she would text them all later (I've been told this today from the others who were around when it happened).

I know that if I was her mother, I wouldn't be impressed that an adult had rang her last nite, which is why I'm so concerned about how I handled it last night and am asking for advice here.

You aren't some random adult phoning kids. You are a concerned mother whose son had received inappropriate texts from this girl. I'm sure that if you did know the girls parents that you would have gone to them first. But you didn't know them and this girl is unknown to you.

myparenting101

You are concerned mother and what you did is okay as long as you spoke to the girl in a good way & explained your reason why are you saying that to her. Explaining to the girl what is bad in her act is also teaching her a good lesson.