Not enjoying college

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

I started college in september, expecting all sorts out of it. I went in with visions of making tons of new friends, trying lots of new things and generally just having a good time. However the first semester is now over and it hasn't been like that at all.

My course is huge and I've found it really difficult to talk to people. In the first few weeks everyone was making the effort to talk to each other as nobody really knew anyone else. However I didn't click with anyone or any groups in particular in this time, and after that I noticed a definite change in atmosphere. People found groups to settle in to and were a lot less open. At this stage I'm finding it almost impossible to talk to new people. I have a few people that I will sit beside in lectures and the like, but I really don't feel like I have any proper friends. I do end up sitting alone a lot of the time because of not knowing anyone when I walk in to the lecture theatre.

I've tried getting involved with clubs and societies but I'm quite shy and I don't find them particularly welcoming a lot of the time. Again it seems that everyone knows each other already and they're not really open to other people. I'd feel fine going to events with people but when I go on my own I feel a bit alienated.

I think one of my problems is I'm not hugely into the pub/club/drink scene. I've nothing against it but I'm not a big drinker and would rarely feel like drinking. So a lot of events that revolve around going to the pub or going clubbing don't really appeal to me. And unfortunately, a lot of events do revolve around it. I have no problem going out with people I know, but when it's people I don't know very well I get really awkward.

Any advice at all? I'm feeling pretty miserable because I feel I've wasted my first semester of college by not doing anything.

BEASTERLY

Well first of all, its only one semester in, everyone is still finding their feet. Im just finished my first semester too.

Maybe dont try to focus too much on making friends as a goal. What hobbies or interests do you enjoy, whatever it is there is likely a club/society for it. Go to enjoy it rather than having an agenda. You will meet people with mutual interests and make friends natuarally. Youll probably meet people in some of your lectures if its a big course.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time settling into college. I understand how difficult it can be to make friends in a huge course. In college my closest friends were people I was living with. What about your housemates, are any of them first years? Some people hit the ground running in college, I would have been one of those people, it’s just a case of luck, but other people I went to school with often hated their first year of college, it only got better when they went into 2ND or 3RD year.

I would advise you to maybe start with the clubs and socs again, but maybe go for one that really appeals to you.

Don't give up on the college experience, it may be tough for the rest of the year, but in second or third year, you could end up having a blast and having the time of your life. I would say look into accommodation for your second year, maybe campus could be a good way to make friends. This would be your best bet for making some good friends and getting into a social circle. There is a huge culture of drinking in college and to be honest the main social focus is to do with nights out. You always have the option of going to these every so often, you don't have to drink too much or at all if you don't wish. If you aren't comfortable with the pub or club scene at all, then I can promise you that there are other people in your college who feel the same, that’s the great thing about college, it full of people with every sort of interest.

Don't worry too much OP, enjoy your Christmas holidays, maybe 2013 might be a better year in college.

Battleflag

Just finished my first semester too, I found you just have to put yourself out there, get out of your comfort zone and just strike up a conversation in the lecture with the person next to you before it starts. Coursework is something everyone has in common so that's a good starting point in a conversation. If you have labs maybe offer your help to someone who is struggling or vice versa.

If you don't like drinking you should make an effort to tag along for a bit of the night at least, unfortunately drinking is a big part of a majority of students social scene. You can leave early if things get a bit messy but at least you will have made an effort

It's only been one semester, there is plenty of time to make friends! Don't get yourself down about it

Luca Brasi

I agree with Battleflag who has sized the issue up very well.
Firstly are you enjoying the challenge of your course? If you are then you are half way there.
As regards the drinking scene that unfortunately is a part of college life and used by a lot of people to hid their own shyness etc. No need to fall in to that trap.
Check out the societies again and see which ones are genuine active societies and which ones are just excuses for piss ups.
There are political parties who welcome new members all the time. Also societies which do charitable work St Vde P Simon etc.
It easy to explain why you didnt get involved in the first semester by saying that you were concerned about settling in to study etc.
You are not going to make loads of friends but you will make loads of acquaintances. But you do have to step out of the comfort zone starting with firest day back. Be prepared to open conversation with small chat like "roll on the Summer" etc

looksee

I agree with all the above and would just add - treat every new term as a new chance. Don't go in with your head down acting as though everyone is friendly with each other and its a done deal. Try and be relaxed and open, smile, talk to people even if its just 'Hi, did you have a good Christmas'.

Put yourself out there, find a society that you are interested in and don't expect instant friends there either, it takes a while, but is very rewarding if you give it time.

Lawliet

You're post could have been written by me a few years ago, I was in a big course, very shy, didn't get involved in societies, wasn't into drinking etc.
I didn't start making friends until the second semester. You just need to be keep trying, it's easy to assume everyone has their group and give up, there's probably plenty of people like you who just didn't click with anyone in the first term, and anyway it's first year! Most people are looking to make as many new friends as possible.
If you've got any tutorials or labs with a smaller group of students it's a lot easier to start there and be like 'Oh I was split up from my friends I really don't know anyone in this group, hi I'm X!'
It's awkward but it's better to be friendly and make small talk. Often if you always see someone alone, never talking much you just think they'd rather be left that way.

Sir Ophiuchus

Based on my experiences (a) feeling left out the way you describe, and (b) helping freshers in the same situation:

- find a society you think you'd be interested in
- send 'em an email, and just bluntly say "I'm interested in what your society does, but I'm not very good at getting to know people. Would someone mind showing me around?"

Any decent society committee will jump at the chance to help you get to know their membership at one of their evenings/events.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I have been trying to do the whole strike up a conversation at the beginning of the lecture thing, but it's sometimes more difficult than I would have thought. What I've found most of the time is that even if I do get chatting to someone it's usually just awkward small talk, and then I don't really know what do do when I see that person again! That's another thing as well, I could be talking to someone and hitting it off really well, but because of the size of the course I might not see them again for ages. I think that's almost what gets me down most, as it's not a case that I haven't spoken to anyone or haven't made any friends at all, it's just that I hardly get the chance to make a proper connection with anyone and end up feeling a bit lost in the crowd.

I live at home so I don't have the avenue of accommodation to help with meeting people. Moving into accommodation next year isn't really feasible either as I live pretty close to college and it would just make no sense.

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

Based on my experiences (a) feeling left out the way you describe, and (b) helping freshers in the same situation:

- find a society you think you'd be interested in
- send 'em an email, and just bluntly say "I'm interested in what your society does, but I'm not very good at getting to know people. Would someone mind showing me around?"

Any decent society committee will jump at the chance to help you get to know their membership at one of their evenings/events.

This is actually a really good idea that's so obvious I probably wouldn't have thought of it Thanks!

Overheal

Looking back at my 2 years at ITC, the first semester I probably pissed off more people than I made friends with. And the 2nd semester was no better because, well it's a long story. I was going through some things. But people knew that about me, it happened at the end of the first semester and I dealt with it during the 2nd. And when the next semester came around people were actually happy to see me there because well frankly they didn't expect me to pull through for a while there. Some of that was compassion, and the rest of it is I had proven I could at least scrape my own weight along, and that I wasn't an anchor to those people.

And now I have a bunch of other experience to go off of. Work experience is a big one, because I've lived through 2 years of turnover now. I don't give most people the time of day for the first while, usually not until they have shown they're there for the work and not for the money. Looking back on the college life in ITC it kinda worked out the same way, the people who were just there for the night life were weeded out quickly, and (irony) the guys who worked together in the classroom are the ones that usually got ****faced together at night.

I was a far more socially awkward person back then... my advice: just work hard. It's simple but my god it works. Before you know it people will look at you for help and that just leads to socializing. I've made friends through study groups really easily, just like you'd make friends at work among the people who don't mind busting their ass. My biggest reflection on those 2 years was I didn't contribute enough, I didn't bring anything special to the table so why should anyone feel the need to include me in anything academic, if I was barely willing to carry my own weight much less help others out? Look at it another way: are you really willing to help someone out with a project if they haven't even bothered to put at least a little starting effort into it? Hell no. Especially when you're almost done. If someone's been working hard and is just stuck on something it's no problem to un-stuck them.

I know you didn't mention anything about schoolwork or grades in your OP but this is just a few things to keep in mind. College isn't all just about the socializing after all. If you don't put the work first in your head, you're going to fail anyway; and if you're good at the work, I have found that the socializing follows very fluently.