hard trying to cope with mums death.

tinytank

my mum passed away very quickly in august, she had cancer and died within two weeks of being diagnosed. she had lumps but never told anyone and lived her life as normal up until the day of diagnosis. no one can understand why she didn't tell anyone sooner, 2 close freinds of hers had cancer scares and confided in her and we would often talk about health issues. she was only in her mid forties,we noticed she had lost weight but she was having problems with her wisdom teeth and we put that down to the weight loss. cancer never ran in our familly so it was such as shock to us. the doctors gave her a six month treatment plan but she went rapidly down after her first dose of chemo and died within 24hrs of receiving the second dose. on top of the grief, i just cant stop thinkin about what she was feeling. the look of fear in her eyes when they told her it was cancer, the tears of regret she cried that day for not going to a doctor sooner. when the doctor said it was bad i thought we had a couple of months not 3 days, its just so hard trying to live life without her. i keep regreting not making more time this year, being too wrapped up in work, new house and wedding, not calling down to her more, putting it off til tommorrow. i guess i thought we had all the time in the world. i got married two weeks after she died and now i feel awful, my husband has been great but he has never lost anyone, instead of being happy newlywed, im just sad and teary all the time, i try to hide it from him but its just so hard to get any enjoyment from life anymore. sorry this is so long but i just need to get it out, she is the first person i have lost, i didn't have a clue how hard it is too live your life after a death.

Lorna123

This is definitely a very hard time in your life. Both my parents are dead but the death of my mother effected me the worst. She was also the most central figure in my life and the one who cared about me the most. So she is a very sad loss.

If your mother had lumps she might have secretely known it was cancer but was afraid to confront it. It must have been very hard to have such little time after she was diagnosed.

My mother died of cancer too and we only found out about 2 weeks before she died but she was 92. She had lost weight but I always thought it was just that as she got older she lost her appetite from old age. It never occurred to me that it might be cancer, but in retrospect it might have been better that we didn't know because she would have been worried and what she didn't know didn't bother her. She was too old to get any treatment.

Like you, I looked back and often complained to my mother that she was not eating enough, not going out and not taking an interest in things around her but little did I know the reason why. She never went to her GP for check ups until she was so weak that she had to go to hospital to get a blood transfusion and it was only then that the cancer was discovered. We then took her out of hospital and she died within 3 days of coming home. I

Like you I regret not making more time to make her more comfortable and not being kinder to her when she was so kind to me all my life, she never complained.

Don't feel bad about getting married so soon after your mother's death, that is what she would have wanted for you and she would not have wanted you to postpone it.

It took me at least 6 months to be able to think of my mother without crying, she is dead 5 years now and I can think about her but I get a deep pain in my heart for the loss of someone so precious.

You are not alone in your sorrow, and just know that time will heal the pain, you will never get over the death of your mother but the pain will fade in time. You have your new life to look forward to and your mother would be delighted for you, so enjoy every day from now on. Your mother's words of wisdom will never be far from your mind so in that way she will live forever.

Meow_35

Hi Tinytank,

I know exactly how you feel - my mother passed away Dec 11th just gone and though it wasn't 100% a surprise to any of us, it was very sudden and we're all still in shock. She lived in London with her husband so on top of the loss and dealing with that we also had the stress of arranging sudden flights and hotel accomodation in london of all places. I was out of work from then until the 4th Jan this year.
I'm finding it extremely hard - thinking all kinds of "what ifs". Christmas was a blur - we ended up spending it in Dungarvan where my grandmother is from with my aunt and uncle and telling my grandmother about my mothers death was awful, on top of that her own brother died 2 days after my mother died so we also had to tell her that.
My mother went through a lot in her life and was always sick with one thing or another - she also suffered from depression and about a year & half ago she started having blackouts and it all seemed to go downhill from there. She was only 56 when she died. I partly blame all the doctors, her own GP and anyone else that was involved in her health getting worse and there are so many different details involved I get tormented by it. On top of that ther'es an inquest going on at the moment so we're not even sure just how she died. Her husband suspects she may have taken an accidental overdose of pain killers as she had been suffering badly from osteoarthritus for some time. it may also have been just her poor body giving up after going through so much. There's actually way too much history to go into here but we are also dealing with a lot of the history behind it on top of mourning her.

My mother was my best friend, she always laughed at things even when she was going through a rough time. She taught me to see the funny side of things also when I don't feel like it. It's remembering how she lived her life full of humour and laughter that has been helping me through this, she wouldn't want me to cry every day and be sad every day. I miss her like crazy every second of every day right now and though I'm able to somehow throw myself into work I find myself staring at my computer screen at times and then the reality of what's happened hits me like a bus. It's awful. i've never gone through anything like it.

We have to go back in Feb, Feb 14th actually - her birthday to scatter her ashes...her husband wanted the vicar to do it but I said no, I thought it should be family as she never met this vicar and I've offered to do it..it's going to break my heart - it seems a little easier to deal withu over here as i've so many memories from London, visiting her and her husband and walkinb around with her, having coffee in starbucks in paddington station. I have a huge hole in my heart now and I honestly don't think it will ever go away.

I know death is part of life but I thought I had many more years with her, I got engaged only last June and the thought that she won't be at my wedding now absolutely kills me. I try not to focus on stuff like that though, I can almost her her voice in my ear telling me not to be sad so whenever I feel myself getting really, really down I think of her and how she would want me to just make the most of my life now and to be happy.

I really hope you get through this somehow, you will....I always think of that saying "this to shall pass" and it's true.
I'm looking into getting some counselling at the moment as I need it so maybe that would help you also? I agree with Lorna, be happy in your marriage now, she would definately want that - you have a lot to look forward to and I actually wrote something and read it out at her funeral service back in December..I said I now have my own guardian angel looking after me now from above and i actually cracked a joke that she could now see EVERYthing...:-) Your mother is looking out for you now so have a happy life.