I'm I Over Complicating Things

A_Sober_Paddy

Hey all,

Firstly I'm going to apologize for the long post but i feel I'll need to give plenty of information in order to get the advice I'm after.

Background
I'm 24, and I've never had a girlfriend.

I've had a few girls in my life to be honest but none of which were ever my girlfriends.

Girl 1:
The first of these girls was when I 18 and we kissed a few times, did lunch and hung out together. She ended it with a lie, saying that she had to stop seeing me for a number of reasons(I later found out from a very very reliable source that the reason she ended it was because I was the local shop boy and some people were giving her stick for being with me...in effect not good enough for her)

I was pretty cut up about this, ended up laying down in an ally crying after a night out soon after...

Girl 2&3 happened in the month leading up to me leaving the country so I know nothing was going to happen with regards to a relationship and both girls knew this as well at the time, and we ok with that.

Girl 2:
Girl 2 didn't come around until I has 22 years old, I met her in a bar she was friends of a friend and we got on like a house on fire. The first night we meet up we stayed outside the bar until 4 talking about all manner of things until I went back to her's and did the deed(only the second time i had sex).

Girl 3:
She comes around the Thursday after girl 2(I know I'm a bastard). This was a girl who again was a friend of a friend. I met her and we got chatting, and very soon after I was back at her's with little to no talking. I then continued to meet up with her for dirty weekends.

So I come back from Oz and I'm back a few months and i bump into Girl 3 again...

Girl 3 (Part Deux):
We met on a night out, then again at a house party just chatting and having fun. Then we arrange to hang out, we do have a great time, head out for a few drinks together and end up back at hers, continue to text and keep in contact. She keeps putting off meeting up for a proper date and after a few weeks gives me a text saying that she doesn't have time for a relationship because of work:(

Was again quiet cut up about that one, but saw it coming to a certain extent with the putting off of the date...

Then about a month later(18th of September 2011) I run into her when I'm out and go up and talk to her...and we end up back at hers and guess what...did the deed again. The next morning felt really bad about it, as i felt I did something wrong(but don't know why I felt so bad)...

There was another girl, this was just a 1 night stand on Stephan's Day 2011...

So been off the horse for a while.

So to the problem at hand:
So started a job 4 months back and work with this girl, we get on fairly well, I find myself looking forward to the days we work together. We have similar tastes for what i know about her, I'm only part timer so don't work much with her.

So I was out last night for the Xmas party and we are getting on great and then everybody else heads off home, so its just me and her.

We seat down and start chatting about a wide range of things and manage to fit in some dancing*. The conversation even turns onto me, to which she say "A_Sober_Paddy, your an attractive guy", which I don't really react to. And we are getting on great and I get to urge to kiss her, but I don't...Why don't I, I like her, she is attractive...In my head I'm telling myself its because we work together and it would be wrong, or am I just using it as an excuse in order to prevent myself from getting hurt...

You have my history with women, and my story from last night, whats wrong with me? Or am I correct in not having acted?


*May not be considered dancing by a dance enthusiast

LegacyUser

hmm. well were you afraid of kissing this girl because you ran the whole scenario in your head, this isn't going to work out, she's not going to want a relationship with me, she's eventually going to reject me, all that kinda stuff? the work thing, though valid to some extent doesn't sound to me like the real reason you held back from kissing her.

i see through your post a lot of you putting yourself down. i also kind of sense this NEED to be in a RELATIONSHIP. i spelled that out in big letters because sometimes, you might just need to relax. not every person you meet and are attracted to are right to be in a relationship with. not every bit of fun and hanging/going out needs to be a means to the end of being in a RELATIONSHIP. see where i'm going?

i know you wrote down all the detail of your previous experience to give us all backround, and so we could advise you better. but pet, that also comes across like you over-think things and pull them apart and analyze them and have to have some reason as to why things didn't work out. when you don't have much luck with the opposite sex it's an easy trap to fall into, blaming yourself.

no need to be blaming yourself, no need to overthink things, no need to rake over previous romantic encounters with a fine tooth comb. you like this girl. you think you might have stuff in common, SO - ''hiya. i had such a great time chatting to ya at the christmas party the other night, would you like to come out for a drink/coffee/lunch sometime?'' relax, see what happens. and if it doesn't happen it's no one's fault it's just pot luck. dust yourself off, file it away and move on.

so. ''hiya, i had such a great time the other night, fancy a coffee sometime?'' ;-)

and good luck with it! x

A_Sober_Paddy

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

hmm. well were you afraid of kissing this girl because you ran the whole scenario in your head, this isn't going to work out, she's not going to want a relationship with me, she's eventually going to reject me, all that kinda stuff? the work thing, though valid to some extent doesn't sound to me like the real reason you held back from kissing her.

i see through your post a lot of you putting yourself down. i also kind of sense this NEED to be in a RELATIONSHIP. i spelled that out in big letters because sometimes, you might just need to relax. not every person you meet and are attracted to are right to be in a relationship with. not every bit of fun and hanging/going out needs to be a means to the end of being in a RELATIONSHIP. see where i'm going?

i know you wrote down all the detail of your previous experience to give us all backround, and so we could advise you better. but pet, that also comes across like you over-think things and pull them apart and analyze them and have to have some reason as to why things didn't work out. when you don't have much luck with the opposite sex it's an easy trap to fall into, blaming yourself.

no need to be blaming yourself, no need to overthink things, no need to rake over previous romantic encounters with a fine tooth comb. you like this girl. you think you might have stuff in common, SO - ''hiya. i had such a great time chatting to ya at the christmas party the other night, would you like to come out for a drink/coffee/lunch sometime?'' relax, see what happens. and if it doesn't happen it's no one's fault it's just pot luck. dust yourself off, file it away and move on.

so. ''hiya, i had such a great time the other night, fancy a coffee sometime?'' ;-)

and good luck with it! x

I don't feel the need the need to be in a relationship, I enjoy being single, but in saying that I do feel at times that having not had a relationship is a disadvantage to me.

The whole putting myself down is correct to a certain extent, I seem to have a crippling fear of failure it seems, but in my post I don't think I was putting myself down, I was only telling you my past experiences with women, which have all ended with me be quiet upset from the ending.

A_Sober_Paddy

Bump

Merkin

Yes, you're totally over complicating things and I'm not sure what your issue even is. You say you have always been single and then in a later post you say that you want to be single and don't actually feel the need to be in a relationship. What is your actual issue?

I also find it rather strange that you remember specific dates of when you scored. Maybe you actually just need to relax, stop second guessing every encounter you have with women and maybe grab the bull by the horns and asking people you fancy out on an actual date?

miamee

If you genuinely like this girl from work, why not ask her out? If you talked for so long at the party you must at least know what kind of films, music or comedy she likes - ask her to go along to something you know she would like.

If you don't like her enough to ask her out then maybe you didn't really want to kiss her in the first place?

Don't let your past experiences dictate what happens with this girl or any other girls. Learn from what you did or didn't do in the past and approach things a bit differently with that in mind. E.g. if you are going to be cut up about a girl after sleeping with her when she doesn't want a relationship, then don't sleep with a girl until you are in a relationship or definitely heading that way

ibarelycare

I don't understand the need to put in the whole back story of the other girls as they are of no consequence to the current girl. You seem like someone who gets very invested in girls (crying in the alley) and who over-analyses things (the lists, the dates, etc.)

You need to try and chill out a bit. You're young and you don't NEED to have a girlfriend. It's ok to go out and kiss and have fun with people. If things develop into something else, that's great. If they don't, then think of it as an enjoyable experience and try and move on.

The "incident" with the girl in work was just one night and you're really over-thinking things. If you like her then ask her if she fancies meeting up for a drink over Christmas and take it from there.

A_Sober_Paddy

Merkin wrote: »

Yes, you're totally over complicating things and I'm not sure what your issue even is. You say you have always been single and then in a later post you say that you want to be single and don't actually feel the need to be in a relationship. What is your actual issue?

I also find it rather strange that you remember specific dates of when you scored. Maybe you actually just need to relax, stop second guessing every encounter you have with women and maybe grab the bull by the horns and asking people you fancy out on an actual date?

Now that you say that, it does come across as weird but other things happened on those dates so thats why I remember the dates(so things as gigs or matches were on those dates)

miamee wrote: »

If you genuinely like this girl from work, why not ask her out? If you talked for so long at the party you must at least know what kind of films, music or comedy she likes - ask her to go along to something you know she would like.

If you don't like her enough to ask her out then maybe you didn't really want to kiss her in the first place?

Don't let your past experiences dictate what happens with this girl or any other girls. Learn from what you did or didn't do in the past and approach things a bit differently with that in mind. E.g. if you are going to be cut up about a girl after sleeping with her when she doesn't want a relationship, then don't sleep with a girl until you are in a relationship or definitely heading that way

Because if she says no, I have to work with her and it could make things very awkward and sh!t in work

ibarelycare wrote: »

I don't understand the need to put in the whole back story of the other girls as they are of no consequence to the current girl. You seem like someone who gets very invested in girls (crying in the alley) and who over-analyses things (the lists, the dates, etc.)

You need to try and chill out a bit. You're young and you don't NEED to have a girlfriend. It's ok to go out and kiss and have fun with people. If things develop into something else, that's great. If they don't, then think of it as an enjoyable experience and try and move on.

The "incident" with the girl in work was just one night and you're really over-thinking things. If you like her then ask her if she fancies meeting up for a drink over Christmas and take it from there.

The back story was so you could see I'm very unlucky with girls and that I don't like failure(that applies to most things in live)

Dates already explained.

LegacyUser

but op, you're equating bad luck with failure when in fact those two things couldn't be more different.

there's BILLIONS of women in the world. so what if it didn't work out with ones you met in the past? everyone goes through those kinds of experiences, you learn from them, file them away and move on. i'm not sure i see any of your past experiences as relevant to girl at work either, if you like her enough to want to hang out with her again, ask her out. then take it from there.