Talking to girls

LegacyUser

I am a 25 year old male and I just cannot talk to girls on nights out. I have moved away from my mates and was out recently with them and I have noticed how good they have gotten when when striking up a conversation with girls. One lad in particular who was actually the same as me (unable to talk to girls) has gone to being able to chatting up girls every night he is out.

I must admit it has made me very envious and I really wish I could do they same. I have asked them how they do it and they just say they start will hello and work from there.

For instances there was two girls who starting dancing with us in the pub but I just couldn't force myself to say hello. Its really getting to me as its something I would love to be able to do as I see some of the girls my mates get because it and it makes me green with envy.

I think my problem is that I have no confidence like I gotten myself in good shape from hitting the gym a fair bit but still my confidence levels are pretty low.

What can I do?

Gary4279

Stop caring about it. Seriously. Just act like they are other lads (kinda) and say what ever you would say normally. It takes time to get used to but trust me. And don't think because one girl wont chat means your crap. Just take the knocks and the good will come.

Also, If you do get chatting and its not happening. Just leave it, dont get all pervy on the first chick that so much as looked at you. Most of all, have fun. People like fun people.

P. Breathnach

Gary4279 wrote: »

Stop caring about it. Seriously. Just act like they are other lads (kinda) ...

Can we substitute "people"?

Get them to do the talking. You do that by asking questions, but not as if you are interrogating them. Most people have interesting things to say, and all you need to do is find out a little about them, and then delve into some aspect of that and you can get a conversation going.

If you don't find anything interesting, then it might be that she is not interesting to you (it doesn't matter if you think her hot; that, on its own, is not enough). Move on and open a conversation with somebody else.

ted1

Girls are people to, ignore the fact that there a different sex.

LegacyUser

While I do understand it is just like talking to one of the lads I seem to have put up a mental wall and I just cannot get over it.

How can I push myself to do it eg baby steps? My mates just seem to get drunk and they have experience doing it so they are used to it.

@rti-shm@rti

NoCon123 wrote: »

While I do understand it is just like talking to one of the lads I seem to have put up a mental wall and I just cannot get over it.

How can I push myself to do it eg baby steps? My mates just seem to get drunk and they have experience doing it so they are used to it.

I completely know where you are coming from and am on the other side of it....I find it so hard to engage in the good humored banter that seems to come so naturally to my friends when chatting with lads.

I do realise though that on the nights where I just relax and stop consciously thinking 'I need to be witty, I need to be flirty etc etc' and just don't care and chat away normally and stop trying so hard, they're the most successful ones! Don't be so conscious of what you're saying and chill out. Go with the flow and be yourself, in your own head you're over thinking it far too much and that translates into awkwardness. There's nothing more attractive than someone who's not trying to hard and is just themselves.

Best of luck!

cantdecide

A lot depends on what you are looking for, OP. If you're after fun/ ONS/ whatever, you're just going to have to try harder I think. If you are seeking something more substantial, you may not be on the right track. Of course, pubs and clubs my be an environment where you're most comfortable. Try smoking areas or less hectic late bars or heaven forbid, coffee shops etc.

Either way, just start with 'Hi, my name is .......' and take it from there.

anoda_username

Op I think you need to make some female friends first, outside of the pub scene. Is there anything that you are interested in that you could join? For example you said that you go to the gym, would you be interested in joining tennis club/fit for life etc where you could meet people especially a place where you could talk to the opposite sex, even if it is just small talk. This would work in building your confidence up, then you could work on chatting up women when you're over your fears

Lorna123

Just chat normally about what is happening at the time, e.g. "are you all set for Christmas", or "how's it going" and then "it's very crowded in here, I prefer quieter places that are easier to chat in" and then "where else do you go", all questions that will get her talking. Don't forget that the women find it just as hard to keep a conversation going, so chill out and just say whatever comes into your head, "what music do you like" etc. etc. If you think about it too much you will get bogged down with negative thoughts. Don't think about it. If a girl doesn't want to chat to you then move on to the next one. With a bit of practice you will become perfect at it. Just don't think about it too much and you will be fine.

kjl

It all takes practice, and there is a way to should train yourself,

start off slow, when you are in the shop, try and make small talk with a female cashier, it doesn't matter what age she is in fact when you're starting out it's better if it is someone you are not attracted too. Try asking about a product, but make it very light hearted, like for example I was in spar and I bought some spar jam and I jokingly asked if anyone knew where they manufactured the jam.

Then when you have done that a few times, give yourself a goal each day. Tell yourself I am going to talk to 5 women today, just make general chit chat with people around you, on a bus or in a shop or whenever you happen to be out in public. Ask if they know any shops for a particular item or for directions to somewhere, the idea being that you want to make the conversation longer.

When you have become confortable with this, try moving up to social circumstances like a bar, remember the idea is the have a conversation, not to pull. but hey the conversation could lead to hooking up, you never know. Girls like it when you have a bit of a mess with them. Try having a few jokes with them the same way you would have with the lads and also do it early in the night because when the crowed gets drunk it's almost impossible to chat them up.

The key is to just get comfortable talking to people, just remember that when you are talking to someone they are worrying about themselves not about you.

I know it's hard when you are a bit shy, but just remember that you are an interesting person and you have a point of view that should be heard.

Don't forget some girls will be just as nervous as you when you have a conversation.

Either way, good luck.

Overheal

Im going to take a stab that you might be a virgin. Nothing wrong with that; but it can affect your confidence. What I learned from the same 'tribulations is you have to just take the shot. A fear of rejection is worse than the rejection itself; the mind places so much anxiety on things we don't personally know that much about when it's frankly unwarranted a lot of the time. Remember the anxiety you might have felt when you first swallowed a pill or received a shot? Worrying about it was worse than the actual event, and the same holds true with rejection.

Of course like others are saying the other part of it is just talking. Sometimes it might seem difficult, not to treat a girl like just another person when you're talking to them, but its something you'll pick up.

Your biggest breakthrough will be in getting let down: very few girls are going to burn you, or humiliate you. Plenty of them are going to just be upfront and honest with you. When it happens it will be refreshing - and learn from it - because you'll have just met a girl that you will then feel under no undue pressure to act differently for, and that will almost always be exactly where that ends. The benefit to that is you now have a girl that you can have a postmortem with, that will give you some insight into the things that you are doing right and the things you could stand to work on.

I wouldn't necessarily start at the bars myself, but it has it's trade-offs. While you won't find many people who are going to bother to let a stranger down nicely, you have the reverse-benefit that being shot down by strangers is completely harmless.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

Practice. You say you go to the gym. The first time you were there I'm sure you couldn't bench press the heavier weights. But you persevered at it and trained the right muscles so now you're in good physical shape. Your confidence and the mind are the same thing. You need to practice at them until you get better. Make yourself talk to girls. They are everywhere. Smile at the girl who serves you at the petrol station and ask her how her day is going. Same with the girl at reception in the gym, etc. Every little helps. It doesn't matter if they don't really respond or are downright rude, the key to this is what you're doing, not how they react. One you can control, one you can't. A lot of small talk is meaningless boring stuff anyway, just get in the habit of doing it. Its not a special skill, its just a habit you need to get into.

Lots of girls can see through the bluster and banter that most lads come out with in clubs. I'm sure there are plenty who'd appreciate a genuine lad like yourself trying to chat to them. Once you practice a bit it will come easily to you. The only difference between you and the other lads is they have had a bit more practice at their schtick than you!

Scanlas The 2nd

First off accept that you can't control whether a girl likes you so don't try to control it. Just walk over and start talking. If it awkward so what, each approach teaches you a lesson that you'll be fine no matter what she thinks of you. This will build your confidence and allow you to have more fun.