Feeling scared and uncomfortable around drunk people

deex

so um, here's my story i guess.

i'm a college student, and up until the incident i'm gonna describe, i'd always been a big partier, a social drinker, someone who loved going out, celebrating, dancing, getting drunk, getting off with people, etc. i had lots of friends, and went out clubbing most weekends. i was really happy and outgoing and confident.

so, i've never told anyone this but two years ago i was out in dublin on a "night out" with some people who i thought were friends but really weren't. i was drinking, but not particularly heavily, but everyone around me was absolutely wasted, which didn't really bother me. we were out clubbing, and long story short, i ended up getting pretty brutally assaulted by a man my friends knew, who was incredibly drunk. i made it home, and i coped with this incident by myself, i never told anyone, even though i think my 'friends' at the time knew what he did to me, they never showed any signs of caring.

two years have passed now. i cut off all contact with those 'friends' and havent seen them since. i made a conscious decision to myself that i was never going to drink alcohol again, and apart from single glasses of wine at weddings or other big occasions, i have stuck to this, i havent been drunk or had more than one unit of alcohol at a time. and i'm happy about this. i don't miss the alcohol or have any cravings for it, i like being a non-drinker and i plan on continuing the rest of my life that way. i've also given up clubbing or partying, this wasn't so much a conscious decision, moreso the fact that on the few times i've attempted this, i've pretty much been struck with panic and havent been able to cope, i've needed to get a taxi home instantly.

the problem is my social life seems to be REALLY suffering. my big group of friends, who are great people, their social activities are ALL revolved around binge drinking. after the incident two years ago, i never really made a huge dramatic announcement that i was off alcohol, i just stopped drinking, and when people noticed, i just casually mentioned that i'd decided to stop drinking, no big deal. nobody has taken this seriously, which kinda breaks my heart, it HAS been two years after all. i get lots of invites to 'drinking and clubbing' events on facebook from my friends, and its nice that they include me i guess, but they don't seem to get that i am TERRIFIED of the idea of going out in dublin at night. i am completely uncomfortable and miserable sitting there when everyone around me is doing shots, yelling, falling all over the place, having fights, running off, and other drunken behaviour. everytime i get invited to things like this now, i come up with an excuse.

'oh, sorry, i have exams coming up..'
'sorry, i have plans for this day, have fun!'
'i'm not feeling very well, sorry, think i'll just stay in....'

and i know that i cant be too hard on my friends, because after all, i NEVER told them the reason i can't go drinking or clubbing anymore. i never even hinted towards it, it's something i do NOT feel comfortable sharing with anyone. to be fair to them, if they knew the reason, i'm sure they'd take it very seriously. but with things the way they are at the moment.. i feel i'm losing all the friendships. i'm known as the member of the gang who'll always find a way to cancel on a social arrangement (this is only because they're ALWAYS around binge drinking and then going out in dublin.. if it was anything else, i WOULD go) or the one who, on the rare occasions she WILL go, will be absolutely miserable all night, ruining the atmosphere and running home early. i just feel like they're sick of me. but i dunno what to do, i will NOT go out in dublin, thats not anything im willing to compromise. sometimes i do make an effort to go to things like house parties, etc, but when my friends get drunk i feel SO uncomfortable in that situation. i was at one of this house parties earlier on tonight, and as usual, i felt scared and upset, and i made an excuse to leave, and my ex-boyfriend came up to me and tried to give me a hug (he was pretty drunk). he just had good intentions, just wanted to cheer me up cause he could see i was sad, but because he was so drunk i just FREAKED OUT and shrugged him off and pretty much ran out the door. i could see everyone kinda rolling their eyes as i left, probably thinking i'm such a drama queen these days.

basically my problem is, i dunno how to keep up these friendships if everything continues like this. it also effects my relationship with the people in my college course, because every non-academic get together is a night out binge drinking. and i always say i'll go, and cancel at the last minute, and feel horribly guilty, and promise myself i'll go to the next one, and then panic and cancel at the last minute... and as a result, everyone in the class is pretty close-knit, and then there's me.

it was my birthday recently, and i was kinda thinking about maybe doing something for it (watching a DVD, going to the cinema, maybe going to a cafe for lunch) and i casually mentioned this idea to a good friend of mine, and he said "eh, dunno if i'd be around for that, but we're planning on going into dublin on thursday night if ya wanna come and do that instead."
i'm pretty embarrassed admitting this now but i nearly cried after i left him. i was just so hurt that he'd have no time for actually doing something like a lunch or a movie for my birthday, something ID like to do, but instead offered me an invite to a preplanned clubbing + drinking night. needless to say, i didnt go, and ended up ignoring my birthday.

im sorry this has been such a long post!! if anyone has ANY advice, id love to hear it, i genuinely would. thanks for reading. i just don't wanna be that lame, boring, always-depressed, always-uncomfortable girl that they see me as anymore.

Roisy7

OK OP... There's a lot in that but the core I believe is something really simple.

You underwent a very traumatic event which you have never dealt with, not properly. As you say, this is the first time you've told anyone about this, two years after the event.

I'm not going to speculate on the nature of the assault because it's not fair of me to ask, but there seems to be a strong element of self-blame to your post. You say you were drunk, but what happened to you was HIS fault, not yours. Again, did you go to hospital, gardai etc? There was a major wrong done to you and there is no way you should have to carry the burden of guilt alone. It's not your burden to carry.

Why do you not want to tell your friends? Not even one or two of your best friends? You can see from their point of view, they have no idea what has brought about this sea change in attitude, and if you don't tell them, they're not going to understand. People aren't psychic. And yes I agree the attitude to non-drinkers among the younger generation stinks.

Non-drinkers do exist in college though. You might have to distance yourself from your current friend groups. There are societies you can join where drink isn't the main focus- sporting, drama etc.

I think firstly, you need to make an appointment with the college counsellor. You've let this event overshadow your life for two years. It's not normal to have panic attacks in nightclubs and you know this. There is a vast world of difference between being uncomfortable or annoyed around drunk people and having a panic attack when you step into a pub.

I hate to say it, generally, the socialising in Ireland is done in the pub. Not that you can't have a social life without drinking, but pubs are often the venue. How do you feel if you are invited for a quiet drink after class in the college bar? Is it nightclubs or all pubs that bring back these memories?

Please, make an appointment with a counsellor. You're not happy and this unhappiness is letting your attacker win. Best of luck with college OP x

looksee

You know what? Your friends will stop binge-drinking eventually - a few of them might continue indefinitely but most of them will grow out of it, which is what you have done. Yes, I know there was a rather unpleasant reason for it initially, but other people's reasons will be everything from a realisation that they are not doing their body any good, to making a total show of themselves or getting arrested or some other bit of drama.

Don't apologise for your preference, you have just got there sooner than the others. Just shrug and say, its not my scene, you enjoy the evening but count me out, thanks for asking. Then look around for people - and they are out there - who can enjoy an evening without getting totally drunk. It is perfectly possible to go to a pub and have a couple of social drinks and then leave it at that.

If your only connection to people is that you are one of a gang that goes binge drinking, they are not really friends. There has to be more to friendship than getting drunk together. If you don't want to be around drunk people, then don't. There is nothing more boring than listening to drunken conversation, don't inflict it on yourself.

Have a look round for clubs or groups that actually do something, so they have more interests than drinking. There are loads of possibilities, start in the college and see what is available, figure out what you might be interested in and give it a go. Have fun!

Roisy7

looksee wrote: »

You know what? Your friends will stop binge-drinking eventually - a few of them might continue indefinitely but most of them will grow out of it, which is what you have done. Yes, I know there was a rather unpleasant reason for it initially, but other people's reasons will be everything from a realisation that they are not doing their body any good, to making a total show of themselves or getting arrested or some other bit of drama.

Don't apologise for your preference, you have just got there sooner than the others. Just shrug and say, its not my scene, you enjoy the evening but count me out, thanks for asking. Then look around for people - and they are out there - who can enjoy an evening without getting totally drunk. It is perfectly possible to go to a pub and have a couple of social drinks and then leave it at that.

If your only connection to people is that you are one of a gang that goes binge drinking, they are not really friends. There has to be more to friendship than getting drunk together. If you don't want to be around drunk people, then don't. There is nothing more boring than listening to drunken conversation, don't inflict it on yourself.

Have a look round for clubs or groups that actually do something, so they have more interests than drinking. There are loads of possibilities, start in the college and see what is available, figure out what you might be interested in and give it a go. Have fun!

I agree with you looksee to a certain extent. The OP is obviously uncomfortable with disclosing the attack to their friends which is not a good sign for the strength of the friendships.

I think that the issues arising out of the attack need to be dealt with tho. This is a bit more than just growing out of the drinking scene.

LegacyUser

OP I'm so sorry about what happened to you, I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

In saying that the thing that jumped out at my from your post was that this 'fear' that you have inside you has gone beyond "alcohol" and your/other peoples relationship with it. It's causing you to avoid social situations, that's not healthy. You cannot control other peoples actions, drunk or not, what happened to you was awful, but it was a horrible person who did it, yes alcohol may have played a part, but blaming "the alcohol" is futile, he was a twisted **** regardless of the alcohol, the intent was there. OP i am not for one second questioning your decision not to drink, but if this (understandable) fear of being around drunk people is impacting on your life you need to address that. If you are avoiding social situations because you are afraid of how people will act in the situation rather than not actually wanting to go, you're allowing fear to control and dictate your life and how you live it. I'm not saying you should enjoy pubs/clubs (I certainly don't and i'm a drinker) but it sounds to me like this has expanded to any situation where there may be alcohol present. Again Op while I sympathise with you from your friends' perspective they have no idea what you've been through, and i imagine they see a friend who has become moody and withdrawn and who constantly says she'll do things and then doesn't bother turning up, so their attitude towards you birthday sadly doesn't surprise me, you flake out on them all the time so you can't really expect them to drop everything for you, I really don't mean that to sound harsh or cruel, but seeing it from their shoes, it works both ways.

OP normally I'd just say the solution was to make new friends who don't drink, but I really think in this case that's just ignoring the bigger underlying issue, say you made new friends and went to the cinema or something and happened to get heckled by some drunk eejits on the way home. The fear would still be there. You can't live like that.

OP I really really really urge you to go see a counsellor, you can't carry this burden alone. It's already changed your personality, filled you with fear, is impacting hugely on your life, relationships. OP I've been to counselling before, so believe me I know how hard it is to trust someone with your innermost secrets, but it is such an unbelievable relief to even just say these things aloud to another person. Burying the feelings doesn't work OP. I'm sure there's a free counselling service in your college, please make an appointment to talk to one.

Take care OP.

bakergirl91

Hi OP. I am a student aswell, and i am the exact same as you. Dont drink, past experiences but not in such a terrible manner as yours. A incident like that cannot be easily forgotten, and dealing with it yourself may not be dealing with it really but hiding it away from your conscious state. I would urge you to see a counsellor just to chat it through, which i did and genuinely see things in a whole knew light.
As for your friends, it really is just a college phase. I know its easy to say but they more than likely have not had such a terribly incident as the one you have had. I know how it feels planning for what you want to do and how difficult it can be. However, having a heart to heart with the friends you consider real may not be a bad idea. You do not have to tell them what happened, just that it would mean alot to do something different for a change whether it be ice skating for Christmas, go karting, movie night etc And if they dont get it , then they are not truly mature enough for the phase you are in in your life!! Try and join some clubs and societies that are active and fun in college, you would be surpised how many friends you can make who have the same morals as you have at this moment in your life!! the best of luck to you

DaisyD2

Roisy7 wrote: »

I agree with you looksee to a certain extent. The OP is obviously uncomfortable with disclosing the attack to their friends which is not a good sign for the strength of the friendships.

I think that the issues arising out of the attack need to be dealt with tho. This is a bit more than just growing out of the drinking scene.

OP nobody but you can say to what extent the attack had on where you've ended up but heres my 2cents.

I myself had a couple of dodgy incidents in my 20s, it happens (unfortunately, for which only you can decide if you need/want to talk to professionals), your current "friends" sound like passing aquaintainces that in my day (I'm not ancient honest;) were never heard from after college because we didn't have facebook or mobiles! There wasn't the pressure then that there is now to be part of the gangs "Events" & get tagged in all the photos of "wild nights out" (thank god theres no photos of my college days up anywhere! hehe) but it was my reaction & others afterwards which brought it home to me just how much I don't like being around drunk people!

Still don't but I don't get panic attacks. I just don't like being in situations where peoples inhibitions go out the window & they lose all rationality & control so in that sense I'm luckier than you and just adapted to a more sober but still outgoing social life but back then I became fed up of being the "Mammy" of the group & making sure house parties were cleaned up, people got home safe or just didn't choke on their own vomit so I did lose/drop certain friends & felt a bit "friendless" for awhile but then circumstances change & other people come along.

I really do believe I simply outgrew the "lifestyle" long before some of my friends did. I might add two of my best friends still are girls from school but I never even told them at the time what happened so although you may drift and you may feel "out to sea" with your current situation it could well be that you have outgrown your fellow students & need to look around for other avenues. It speaks volumes for such "friendships" that instead of doing something YOU WANTED for your birthday it was simply turned round to another night on the piss/following the herd!

Don't waste your life on pissheads, its ok not to want to be part of the crowd if all they are interested in is drinking & do, if you feel you need it look for professional help.

Best of luck with your studies

deex

hey, OP here, just wanted to first of all say a big THANK YOU to everyone who's replied so far, I felt pretty miserable and alone when I posted this, and the fact that it was a topic which i'd NEVER discussed before.. having people respond kindly has really touched me, thank you.

I don't know how to do that fancy "quote" thing you guys have been doing, so excuse me if this looks a little messy:

in answer to the questions I've been asked:

no, I never went to the hospital or gardai. it's the thing i feel worst about, out of everything, because it was very, VERY selfish of me, and i'm deeply ashamed of it. i'm a person who tends to internalize everything, i never talk to other people when something bad happens to me, i just deal with it myself. always, always, always. private and selfish when it comes to everything. but this was something which SHOULD have been reported, not for me but for the.. greater good? i constantly beat myself up over it, but at the same time.. i don't see it happening. i just don't think i could do it.

as for why i don't want to tell my friends... i don't know. i guess this just highlights that they're probably not good friends for me, but they're so GOSSIPY. anytime anyone confides in anyone, they get the "ohhhhh you poor thing" to their face, but behind their back, it's like... OOOH did ya hear? what a muppet! can you believe it! and i just can't STAND the idea of them knowing this about me. one or two of them would be genuinely compassionate but the rest? it's just "scandal" to them, a piece of news for them to be proud of being the first to know, and to spread around under the justification of "now, you didn't hear this from me, but...."
no. i'd sooner cut them out altogether than have them know this deeply private piece of information about me. which i suppose gives me the advice i was looking for in this post, huh?

and as for the idea of going for 'a quiet drink in the college bar,' i would actually be completely, 100% fine with this, and have done it several times with no hassle at all, genuinely enjoyed myself. the thing that sends me into panic mode is... you know, a HUGE crowd, everyone pushing up against each other, men groping you and touching you without your permission, no room to breathe, no personal space, no quick exit, everyone screaming and yelling but nobody able to hear each other, and everyone falling ontop of you and shrieking and being assholes. i'd LOVE it if more people were happy to just go for a quiet drink in the local, somewhere you can get a table and hear each other talk.
but no, it's always nightclub, nightclubs, nightclubs. the biggest and busiest. and if you're not acting like a moron, shrieking and giggling and running about and dancing on tables and shifting anything that moves, then you get the whole "god, she's such a dry ****e these days, remember when she used to be fun to hang out with" thing going on.


all the advice you guys have given makes so much sense. it's just trying to actually put it into action, you know? but i'm definitely taking it on board, thank you. step 1, stop caring so much about what these morons think of me, i guess!

Chucky the tree

First things first get some new friends, preferable decent ones this time.

deex

hah! yeah, i know, most of them really are pretty bad if im being honest.

times like this i really miss my old outgoing, wild, fun self, because i never had any trouble making new friends, but these days i've just become really introverted and... awkward. i don't mean to be, but it's like everything i say has this self-conscious, not-really-sure-if-i-should-be-saying this quality, it's very hesitant. most of the time when i'm talking to friends and i actually LISTEN to myself, i sound like an actor reading off a script. a very bad actor. i don't really blame people for thinking i'm a giant, miserable stick in the mud who's a pain to be around.

but then again, there are some people in college who are genuinely nice (and not all about getting drunk and crazy) and always make the effort to invite me to things and be really friendly, so i think i'm gonna take all the effort i spend trying to be 'cool' and 'fun' for my crazy binge-drinkey friends (doesn't work anyway!), and dedicate it to making better friendships instead.

thank you!

looksee

Deex, you are making some good decisions. As to all the changes and insecurity you feel at the moment, I know it will sound a bit patronising, but its all part of the 'moving from one phase to the next', and to some extent it will keep happening all your life. Be aware of it, rationalise it, and get on with your life.

Its not so much that you feel insecure now, its that you didn't have inhibitions as a teenager. Obviously you can't continue to be a teen all your life (well some people do, I know!) and the phases of moving on are a bit awkward. But you are well able for it, you are strong and will use your experiences to improve your life, have a good life, enjoy it, and keep out of the herd

Neyite

Deex, I could never drink the volumes that others drank on nights out. When I was a lot younger lots of times I left pints and pints on the table that had been bought for me without asking, but people quickly learned not to waste their money. I have a far better night having one or two. I got a few people sneering at my lack of ability to drink bucket loads, but I used to laugh back and say that I saved a fortune.

I was in the minority back then, but now in my late thirties, its common to find that groups of people getting together are a lot smaller, clubbing is long gone, we go for the quiet pubs where you can get a seat and not have to roar over the music, and usually there is more than one person not drinking for various reasons - designated driver, reformed drinker, pregnancy, breastfeeding, playing a sport early in the morning, driving the next morning or just having to get up with the kids (kids and hangovers do NOT mix well!)

What I'm saying is that most people grow out of going on the lash -it wont be forever. But you do need new "friends". Once that want to celebrate your birthday the way you would like to, ones that are happier to have a few quiet ones, ones that you can confide in, and who will know if a night out gets rowdy or crowded, will understand and be supportive if you need to leave ASAP, and get you out of there.

I do think you should look into counselling too- contact the Rape Crisis Centre. You being drunk/him being drunk does not mitigate what happened to you, and I think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor.

santana75

Theres a lot detail in your post but I think it boils down to one or two things. First and foremost, it sounds like you're suffering from Post traumatic stress disorder(PTSD). I'd agree with the suggestion to get counselling. I know being a student you're broke but there should be a counsellor in your college who you can talk to. This is important because PTSD can stay with you for the rest of your life if its not checked. I was watching "who do yOu think you are" recently and Patrick steward(from star trek)was on looking into his past. During his childhood he remembers his father being a violent, angry person who would physically beat his mother. But the thing is, patrick's father wasn't like this at all before he had gone to fight in world war II. During the course of his investigation patrick stewart found that his father had being invloved in a very traumatic incident during the war and had suffered PTSD as a consequence. Before the war he had been a loving father, but after he had been warped into a beast. Theres a book by Dr. Frank LawlIs about PTSD which is top class and might be useful to read OP. Its called the PTSD breakthrough

http://www.amazon.co.uk/PTSD-Breakthrough-Dr-Frank-Lawlis/dp/1402243510/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355571394&sr=1-1

As for not drinking I'd have to say you did the right thing by quiting. Its not the easiest path to follow in this country as pretty much everything socially revolves around alcohol. I gave up drinking myself, just was tired of the same old crap every weekend, drama, fights, people repeating the same old conversations over and over. I had the same experience as you OP, people on the surface were polite and encouraging, lots of fair play to you. But once you stop engaging in an activity that most people engage in, you are kind of "Put out of the club." It is difficult and you find yourself scratching your head trying to figure out how to have a social life without alcohol. Having said that though I'll never drink again, its the best decision I ever made. Theres physical benefits(health) financial benefits but theres something else that happened when I stopped drinking thats been the best thing about the whole esperience. Its like a set of blinkers has been removed from my eyes and I get to see people, the world and life in general, as it really is. Its a hard one to explain really but if you've eer seen that film the matrix you'll know what Im talking about. When you're drinking you're in the matrix, which on the surface of things looks great but deep down you know something isnt right. And by not drinking you exist in the real world, which on the surface appears harsh but you're free and you see thngs as they really are.
Stick with it OP, but do go talk to a counsellor.

Wacker The Attacker

The first reply sums it up well. You need to take care of any unresolved issues you may have as a result of this attack.