Mam died at the weekend, still in shock.

zef

Hi, my Mam passed away suddenly at the weekend, luckily I got a phone call and got to be there when she passed on peacefully.
My dad is also gone , and there is legal issues to be dealt with.
I can't believe she has gone. My heart is not in christmas at all this year.
Sometimes I think 'i'll text Mam' and realise I can't anymore...
I am functioning, but it's like on autopilot, because i know what will happen if i mope around in bed. I think i am in shock, have any of you experienced this 'unreal' ,'dream-nightmare-like state' (esp the funeral) feeling?

NIMAN

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Many people can feel like they are on autopilot, and the grief may not hit you for many months. I remember when my father died I was grand throughout the wake and funeral, and it was maybe a few weeks later that it really only hit home.

Grief affects different people in different ways.

As for Christmas, obviously its easy to understand why you couldn't be bothered with it this year. Just try to do whats right for you. If you have a partner or family, make sure you talk to them and let them know how you are feeling. Talking it out works for sure and will help. Cry as much as you need to.

Try to find some solace in the fact that your parents are now reunited.

Take care of yourself and go for counselling if you feel its needed. It does work.

Mam of 4

NIMAN wrote: »

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Many people can feel like they are on autopilot, and the grief may not hit you for many months. I remember when my father died I was grand throughout the wake and funeral, and it was maybe a few weeks later that it really only hit home.

Grief affects different people in different ways.

As for Christmas, obviously its easy to understand why you couldn't be bothered with it this year. Just try to do whats right for you. If you have a partner or family, make sure you talk to them and let them know how you are feeling. Talking it out works for sure and will help. Cry as much as you need to.

Try to find some solace in the fact that your parents are now reunited.

Take care of yourself and go for counselling if you feel its needed. It does work.

+1

So Sorry for your loss.
Lost my mam november last year,remember feeling like I was in a Twilight Zone , I knew it all was real but it just seemed unreal.

I still think;must tell mam that,or mam would love that,must get it for her.

I would second what Niman has said, and don't be too hard on yourself for feeling down or upset.

Thoughts are with you and yours.

lolli

zef wrote: »

Hi, my Mam passed away suddenly at the weekend, luckily I got a phone call and got to be there when she passed on peacefully.
My dad is also gone , and there is legal issues to be dealt with.
I can't believe she has gone. My heart is not in christmas at all this year.
Sometimes I think 'i'll text Mam' and realise I can't anymore...
I am functioning, but it's like on autopilot, because i know what will happen if i mope around in bed. I think i am in shock, have any of you experienced this 'unreal' ,'dream-nightmare-like state' (esp the funeral) feeling?

Hey zef, I am so sorry for your loss. My Gran died last week too and I feel exactly the same way you do. I went to her grave this evening and my Mam said to me she keeps thinking shes stuck in a bad dream and shes trying her best to wake up. I am dreading christmas too. I just want to lock all the doors, close my eyes and pretend its not happening. My Gran was a mother to us also because she spent her life raising us so that my parents could work. I suppose with time it'll start healing.

NIMAN

One thing is for sure, time definitely does heal.

It may take longer for some people, but the pain will subside and you will be able to go on ok and look back with happy memories.

zef

Thank you so much for all your replies.
NiMAN - yea i've heard it can take months. I am considering counselling in the New Year. Thank you.
Mam Of 4- It's mad how you forget momentarily , only to be snapped back into cold reality that they are no longer 'here'. Thanks for your reply and sorry you lost your Mam last November.
Lolli, it' s horrible isn't it, esp this 'time of year' - not that any time is a good time, but there is a sadness over this christmas that makes it feel 'non celebratory' , to me, anyway. Sorry for your loss.

witchgirl26

zef - I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 4.5 years ago. And yes there is that odd dream-like state where you go through the motions of what you have to do without really realising what's going on. I sat exams like that - have no memory of doing them though.

Course you are still in shock. It's bound to take a while for that to ease off.

I know Christmas may be quite mute but try to mark it in some small way to give yourself something to concentrate on.

Another piece of advice I got (which may sound harsh so forgive me) is to repeat outloud the phrase that the person is dead. Just by yourself in a room. Sounds strange but it does mean when you meet someone who may not know, you can utter the words without completely breaking down. Now in fairness I didn't do that until maybe 3 months had passed but thought I'd share it anyway.

Thoughts are with you.

RossFixxxed

Very sorry for your loss. There isn't really any good time of year, but it always seems that good cheer, family etc are rammed down your throat at Christmas and I personally find it a terrible time of year for dragging up loss and pain myself.

There is no right way to deal with this really, but there are pitfalls: mostly in the form of drink, drugs, reckless behaviour etc, they are a road to ruin. That said, everyone does handle it differently and you can't really do much wrong outside of the obvious.

Do what is right for you for Christmas, if you don't want to go all out or make a big deal of it don't. Be kind to yourself and patient. Time does heal but it is a slow, unpredictable process. Don't think you should take X amount of time, or compare yourself to others ability (or lack thereof) to handle tough situations. It's like following a trail on a difficult cycling track, the guy ahead who left the trail may have gone crashing into a tree 10 feet down the line. Just find your own way along and never, ever be afraid to ask for help if it gets too much. There isn't much in life worse that loss and bereavement.

Best of luck OP, we're all here if you want to chat. Be kind to yourself.

zef

Hi back to this thread again, monthsmind was today , like the day of the funeral it was so cold and icy going to the grave afterwards. The going on auto thing hit me again today. Numb but functioning.
Saw the relatives again- i am the black sheep for sure. Its been 20 yrs since i saw them.
Luckily had psych appointment after the mass (only see them once every 3 months so needed to try keep appt) and got back to home town in time, he was very nice and upped a medication i am taking for anxiety (lyrica). I find it helps, but makes me very forgetful and 'stupid'.
He thought i was taking it very bad so have been offered bereavement councelling. (I have pstd)

This weekend I am going to mums family home 'in the country'. I am very nervous, as i have not been there in 23 years, I guess i was estranged from them as Mum was embarrassed i fell pregnant at college. I have seen them at the funeral, afters , monthsmind, but its just odd seeing all these ppl i used to know and try to get to know them again.

horsemaster

I am so sorry Zef. Please tale care of yourself and hang in there. We are with you. Anytime you need a shoulder, we are all here for you.