Miserable & Jealous

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Not looking for advice as such, more like leaving off steam...

In mid October I found out I was pregnant. A big big surprise but we were both delighted. Last month I miscarried. I went into total shock, it was so surreal. I was supporting my OH, he was in bits and this upset me more... So since then I have been getting on with things and left what happened in the back of my mind. Just before I found out I was pregnant I left my job due to stress, so I was still dealing with that.

Roll on this week and everything just erupted. Its getting nearer to Christmas and I just started feeling down. I had a row with my mother(almost never happens) and I found out my sister in law is pregnant. We are best friends aswell and she was putting off telling me as she didnt want to upset me. We would have been due the same time.... I really really want to be happy for her but it's so hard. And I feel terrible.

I feel terrible because she cant get excited because of me... I feel terrible because I am so so jealous... Just feel awful. And I know when she gives birth I will feel just as bad.
Me and my OH were in bed the other night and just talking and I just broke down, I cried straight for 20 minutes.....

I am just devastated.

I see my doctor once a week and shes been great.... After Christmas I will be on the job hunt again. My OH just wants to make sure I will have a stressfree Christmas. In an ideal world we would stay at home Christmas day but unfortunatly its not to be

I really need to get over this....

Leviosa

I am so sorry for your loss, cannot imagine what you are going through. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's early days and you need time to grieve for what might have been.

Don't put yourself under pressure to do the big family christmas thing if you feel it will upset you even more. Surely the family would understand if you wanted a quite one this year.

It must be so hard seeing your sister in law doing the things you should be doing, that is understandable. I don't know what else to say except to keep talking about things and don't bottle things up x.

ABajaninCork

OP. I am so sorry to learn of your loss. It seems you're coping very well at the moment, all things considered...

Don't be so hard on yourself. What you're feeling is completely natural. I kind of know how you're feeling as I had an op earlier this year which meant I can't have children. I have a very good friend who's pregnant now as well. Of course I'm made up for her, but you can't help but think.

You and your OH should take your time. You've got a lot on your plate, and I think you're right in leaving everything until after Christmas. As tough as it is, you need to get over that first.

Did the hospital put you in touch with grief counsellors? I think that might be the first step.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but wish you all the very best. Let's hope 2013 will be a better year for us all!

CaraMay

Op I am very sorry for your loss. Its a very rough time of year for people when all is not 100% perfect in our lives.

Its natural to be envious of what is happening to your sister in law. I suspect it will easy over the coming months. Have you considered trying to conceive again when your doctor advises its ok to do so?

If you want to show your SIL that you are happy for her then maybe buy her a small gift e.g. hand cream as a gesture of her good news.

Try not to push it. You have had a very hard year and you dont need to be the life and soul of the party. people will understand.

An Bhanríon

Haven't been through this myself, but know a few people who have had miscarriages or haven't managed to conceive at all.

Just to let you know what you are going through is totally normal. Every time you see a baby or hear of somebody being pregnant I'm sure it hits you like a tonne of bricks.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You have been dealt a terrible blow so you need to be really kind to yourself and let self pity take over once in a while. You need to cry.

And when you hear somebody is pregnant do what you would normally do and say 'congratulations'. When their baby arrives buy them a gift if that is what you would normally do. And if you find tears welling up in your eyes when you talk to them don't be afraid to tell them that this is difficult for you. If you are honest with them people won't feel they have to tiptoe around you and not mention the 'baby' word.

And make sure you and your OH do a few nice things together over Christmas.

In time, you will feel better and you will be able to feel genuinely happy for those who are having children. But give yourself time to mourn first.

And hopefully, you too will have your own joyful occassion in the future too...

Neyite

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is totally natural, when my partner told me that his sister was pregnant, I cried. I was happy for her, but sad for us. We had been trying for years at that point. Sadly, she lost the baby a couple of weeks later. Then a few months later the shoe was on the other foot - I finally got pregnant and we knew that it would be difficult for her, so we told her privately a couple of days before announcing it to everyone so that she had time for a little cry and get used to the idea before it became public. Now I have my baby, she is pregnant again, and another sister in law lost one, so the cycle continues.

There is an excellent trying to conceive forum here on boards. It saved my sanity when month after month of disappointment broke my heart, when I hated those smug women with their huge bump, where I cried when yet another person either nagged us to "get a move on" or announced their pregnancy. I just started by introducing myself in the Chat thread. I made friends there that translated into real-life friends. Each of us have had very different journeys nearly all of us have miscarried at least once, some of us have gone on to strike it lucky, others are going down the lonely route of doctors /tests/procedures.

Getting upset is entirely natural. You miss your baby, and another womans joy compounds that. Miscarriage is an unfortunate painfully common occurrence - its rare to find a woman who has tried for pregnancy and has not had one.

My miscarriage was my baby's twin. So we privately named that little one we lost. At our sons christening we plan to go in early and say a little prayer ourselves for him. I still get upset seeing twin babies, and on the anniversary I light a candle and am sad for the day.

http://www.miscarriage.ie/

barbiegirl

OP like Neyite I've been there, in my case 3 times. This year would have been our first Chrsitmas with our last one. It was your baby that you lost, and as early as it is it seems that as soon as you find out you build a life for them with hopes and dreams and then it's gone. You have to mourn for that.

In the last 4 years I havee had many friends get pregnant and have babies. One girl who only started trying 3 months before us has had 3!! I am very jealous and get upset. That is natural, but I try not to let them see it. I have to be happy for them and try to see each child as a beacon of hope that our family is around the corner.

Just shuffle through as best you can, come over to us in the TTC forum as many have been where you are. Remember the tears are nothing to ashamed of, they are a tribute to the little life that didn't make it.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the lovely replies x

We went into town earlier as there is a Christmas Festival on, and it was lovely. But so hard looking at all the kids. I made the most of it and to get into the spirit of things.

We came home and OH was very quiet. He told me he found it hard seeing all the kids and very upset... And we had a few tears and chatted for a bit... I know its great we can share our thoughts. I don't know how I would cope if he wasnt talking to me about it.

I have decided to go and speak to someone just to get it out. Im not used to these feelings.
I am always happy for people for whenever they receive good news and never knew there was a green eyed monster inside of me.

After the tragedy that happened today I know how lucky I am to have great people around me...

Thanks guys x