How to deal with rape

LegacyUser

Hi,

I posted here about a year ago to get advise regarding what I thought was a possible rape. Some of you might remember and I won't go into the specific details again but I was abroad at a wedding, was having a few drinks and woke up the next morning in a hotel room with a guy who had been sniffing after me all weekend. We'd definitely had sex and I'm pretty sure that he spiked my drink but I've no proof that he did. I do drink, I do sleep with men but this situation was different. I had absolutely not a single memory of anything after the bar, a complete blackout and this has never happened to me before. I also seriously disliked this guy from when I met him so would not in my right mind have agreed to go anywhere with him and have never ended up in bed with someone before who I haven't been attracted to. I was bruised and battered down below and I foolishly didn't speak to anyone about it at the time but just got myself home, got the morning after pill, got std checks etc.

The last time I posted here about this I got quite a bashing about being foolish etc. and believe me I've beat myself up about this an awful lot so I don't need to hear it rom others.

This was a couple of years ago now, last year I bit the bullet, went to the RCC and told them my story, they referred me to a solicitor and I discussed how to proceed. She advised me that if I made a complaint to the guards that what would happen would be they'd bring him in for questioning, should they decide it take it further he'd be reported to the guards in the country where it happened, he would have to get extradited there to get charged and after all this it's highly unlikely he would be charged because there's no proof.

Believe me I wish I'd gone to the hospital / police at the time but I didn't. I'm pretty sure, although can't be 100% sure that he spiked me so at the time I was just freaked out, disgusted with myself thinking I'd got too drunk and just wanted to run from the situation.

After speaking to the solicitor I decided to mull it over for a few days to figure out what I should do but then split with my partner of 14 years and to be honest was so devastated by that that I pushed it to the back of my mind somewhat.

I'm embarrassed to say that in the aftermath of my breakup I've gone off the rails a little. I've got my **** back together but basically have spent the last year on the piss. This has just further convinced me that this guy did spike me because I have been drinking heavily the last year but not on a single occassion have I blacked out or not remembered coming home or going to bed or ever ever got into bed with someone unless I really wanted to.

Anyway, sorry for the long drawn out post but I am still mulling over what I should do, I hate to think that this guy could be still doing this to other girls but even if i do press charges and proceed nothing will happen to him and without any proof he can't be founf guilty, and without proof even I can't be 100% sure that he did this.

I know who this guy is, part of me wants to conront him. Would this be complete madness?

I need some advise please, and can it be restricted to the incident and not be directed towards me breakup and subsequent drinking?

RossFixxxed

I'm wary about saying anything as this could be a legal situation down the road (as you have mentioned solicitors). If you can't remember anything then it is nearly impossible to do anything about the situation. I've had nights I can't remember a damn thing about, and nights where I've had far more to drink and not a missing second.

Memory can fool you and trick you, especially where drink and possibly drugs are involved. You may need to let this one slide and work on yourself. You do seem to have an issue with booze and that does not help this at all.

I'm not being unsympathetic, but something you can't remember, with a guy who stayed in the room rather than running away after the event, is too vague to really know what happened. Maybe try to move on and seek professional help along the way?

This is SUCH a serious thing to accuse someone of, it could ruin the life of a potentially innocent man. Proceed very carefully.

Morag

Go back to counseling, you still have a lot to resolve and work out and it's best you do that with a professional.

Merkin

You poor girl, what a horrific thing to happen to you. I remember your last thread on this and I'm sorry that your relationship has now finished. I too was spiked a number of years ago and it is one of the most terrifying experiences ever. Thankfully, by sheer luck, I managed to get into a taxi away from the bastards that did it and I count myself lucky every day. You must be going through hell trying to piece together what happened.

How good was the friend who's wedding you were at? It's a massive thing to accuse someone of but could you perhaps confide in her about what happened? Were there any witnesses? As in, did you express your disgust about this man and how uncomfortable he made you that weekend? Was there any correspondence from the guy afterwards?

I think the best thing you can do for now is really get yourself straightened up. Have you quit the booze? I know you say you're getting it together but maybe knocking it on the head for the time being will give you some clarity of thought on how best you want to proceed and also help you deal with the post traumatic stress you are obviously going through. I think you maybe also need to go back to the RCC or to a counsellor and see a professional about this. Date rape is like a double assault as you haven't just been violated sexually but someone has actually deprived you of your senses as well so it's a particularly cruel crime if you ask me.

You will be able to get over this and you will be able to make a decision on how you want to proceed but you need to be totally sober and have had the assistance of a professional counsellor to help you deal with what a long protracted trial could do and whether this is something (in your current mental state) you are strong enough to deal with.

I really hope you get the peace of mind you deserve my dear. Wishing you all the best x

Emme

OP, this sounds horrible. I'd advise you to get some good counseling and then decide what to do. Unfortunately rape is very difficult to prove even in the most clear cut of circumstances.

I had a similar experience about 6 years ago and initially tried to forget it. It came back to haunt me after 3 years and I had to get counselling. I also went off the rails after the event. The sooner you get counselling the better as the longer you try to deal with this pain the worse it will affect you.

Sorry to hear your relationship broke up on top of everything else. Would the rape have affected how you related to your partner? Again please get some counselling.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your advice.

To answer some of your questions:

RossFixxxed: Yes I realise it's a serious thing to accuse someone of. I am aware of that. Having said that I am pretty sure this man attacked me. I have never blacked out before and I wasn't taking drugs. It is odd that the guy didn't scarper but he took me to his hotel room. I know it's a serious thing to accuse someone of and that's why I was wondering if I should confront him. I thought if I met him in person and told him that I thought he spiked me that his reaction might give me a clearer idea of what happened.

Merkin: My friend who got married is a guy, let's call him Mike, I don't know his partner very well and the suspect in this situation is a friend of Mike's wife. I know that Mike seriously dislikes him but I don't know how close a friend the wife is of his.

Emme: My relationship with my partner had gotten a little rocky and when I told him what happened his reaction was quite terrifying. I expected him to be concerned for me at what had happened and to show me love and support but he didn't. He was furious to say the least and accused me of sleeping with this guy, which in my mind is not what happened. I couldn't possibly stay in a relationship with someone who could show so little concern for me during what was an extremely confusing and traumatic experience.

I know it's possible that this guy is innocent but I can't find any other logical explanation for how I could be in a bar, having a drink or two (it was the day after the wedding so wasn't crazy drinking just a couple of slow beers to rub out the hangovers) and then wake up in a hotel room with a guy I disliked and bruises and pain to my lady parts. I can't make sense of it.

kjl

Hi OP,

I remember your last thread too, there was a lot of crap said about drinking too much, but one comment stood out to me. A user basically said that even if he did or didn't spike your drink he still had sex with you without your consent.

Truthfully I think you might have to let this one go, you are well past any evidence that could prove this to be the case, at this point you can't even prove you had sex. I think you really need to look at your life for the last year and what this event has done to you. I think your coping mechanism is all wrong, you are essentially allowing yourself back into a simular circumstance where it could happen again. As one poster above said you need to go back to counseling and maybe lay off the gargle for a while.

I hope you can forget this and put it behind you, but drinking yourself into a state is not the answer.

RossFixxxed

OP to be honest it sounds bad, very bad. I'm just advising a considered approach. Frankly this sort of thing boils my blood, and I doubt I'd have your level headed approach to this to be honest.

I really do feel for you, I'm just not sure that anything would come of it were you to persue this legally or otherwise, and it pains me to type that. It could be reopening a wound that maybe would be better treated by a professional.

I think the drinking needs to stop for now as it is not going to help. See a professional and work throught this. Concentrate on yourself. I'm sorry there's no better answer.

ennis81

You poor thing, I reckon you were probably raped by this man from the info you have given, it is terrible thing to have happen to you but I very much doubt you would ever get this man prosecuted so the only thing you can really do is go to counselling and work on yourself, stop the drinking its making your frame of mind worse hun I understand you are trying to blot it all out but you need to face this in order to get over it and deal with it, you need to reclaim your life and not let this incident take any more from you.

I'm sorry your boyfriend was so unsupportive towards you, I think you made the right decision to leave the relationship you needed compassion and understanding and he didn't provide it.
Have you discussed this with any of your family or close friends, try and talk to someone you trust aswell as your counsellor.
Well done for going to the RCC it must have been hard
Be strong for yourself, all the best;)

eviltwin

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug and tell you how amazing I think you are. You have been though one of the worst things possible and you are still here, you might not feel it but I think you must be one hell of a strong woman. I hope you can get the help and support you need to come to terms with what happened and to deal with the emotional side of not getting the justice you deserve. I wish you all the best in the future and nothing but good luck and happiness from here on xx

Isolt

Poor girl. You didn't deserve this and it wasn't your fault that he did that, no matter how bad a state you were in. I wonder if taking legal action will cause you more pain in the long run? It's been so long after the event and your memory is hazy. You know you had bruises to prove it and you know that something sinister happened but it's going to be near impossible to prove to anybody else at this stage. Plus you've already had to deal with the horrible reality of someone you love not believing you. For your sake, I would speak about this with a counsellor again just so you are 100% certain of what you want to do.

For what it's worth, I believe you and in fact, it is very, very common that the reality of what happened to you only hit home after some time had passed. I know this myself, it is very common. Denial and the want to just get on with your life takes over. If you have a close relationship with Mike maybe you can find out why he hates this guy so much? Chances are he knows he is a nasty jerk. Otherwise, you focus on you and getting some peace of mind. This scumbag AND your ex boyfriend did not deserve to have you in their lives.

Oryx

You have three things you still have to come to terms with.

• The fact that you were raped (the lack of memory is immaterial, the circumstances and situation you found yourself in has left you with all the mental scars and baggage of a rape victim, you need to deal with it on that basis)
• The fact you cannot pursue this man for what he did.
• The fact that your partner let you down when you most needed his support.

I dont think youve even begun to put any of those things to rest, and the only way you can do that is through proper counselling. I can understand why you went off the rails, and Im glad you seem to be coming out of that phase now. Best of luck with your continued recovery.

bakergirl91

Probably not adding but i felt i should respond. What a truly terrible thing to occur. It was only natural that you went off the rails after the break up considering how long you were together. Personally, i think you have to talk to someone not only about the rape but about the relationship ending too, such as a counsellor. Having so much going on in your head builds up so much pressure that you could just explode. You need to find closure some how. However, the question is would it make it worse for you going forth with the proceedings and then him knowing you reported him and he was not convicted ? It pains me to say that i think its too late. Its not even about saving money on solicitor bills, but saving your self from more trauma and looking at it as a failure.The very best of luck to you

LegacyUser

Isolt wrote: »

Poor girl. You didn't deserve this and it wasn't your fault that he did that, no matter how bad a state you were in.

Isolt I appreciate the sentiment but can I just make it clear to everone thatI didn't get myself into a drunken stupor, I had maybe three drinks over the course of the evening, that it why I am so convinced this guy spiked me.

Yes I should have reported it straight away, when I didn't do it immediately I knoew there was no point.

I realise that he won't get convincted but I feel responsible for the fact that this guy could be doing this ever weekend to yet another person.

To answer one of you I have not told family and friends. I couldn't possibly tell my family and I feel too ashamed to tell my friends. I'm also scard that, like my partner, the law and many of the people who replied to my ;last thread, that they won't believe me, will think I got wasted and willingly slept with this guy.

midlandsmissus

wanttobeanon wrote: »

Isolt I appreciate the sentiment but can I just make it clear to everone thatI didn't get myself into a drunken stupor, I had maybe three drinks over the course of the evening, that it why I am so convinced this guy spiked me.

Yes I should have reported it straight away, when I didn't do it immediately I knoew there was no point.

I realise that he won't get convincted but I feel responsible for the fact that this guy could be doing this ever weekend to yet another person.

To answer one of you I have not told family and friends. I couldn't possibly tell my family and I feel too ashamed to tell my friends. I'm also scard that, like my partner, the law and many of the people who replied to my ;last thread, that they won't believe me, will think I got wasted and willingly slept with this guy.

Hi angel, everything you've written I could have wrote word for word. I also didnt report straight after (still havent) but I would definitely feel stronger about doing it now than straight after. Im sure most people dnt report straight after when you're at your most in shock!


I also didnt' tell friends,as your overwhelming feeling is shame. That it was your fault, and that people wont believe you.

I actully feel that people shouldn't advise in these cases unless they have been through it themselves, as they cant possible know the utter shame and horror you feel,and how hard it is to talk about it.

All that you're feeling is natural. Id love to tell you that counselling helps, but it hasnt helped me so far. It might help you. What has kind of helped me was that some-one said to me - try to see that individual as sick, that it was nothing to do with you, it was to do with them, try to release the energy of the situation and let it go.

Also I have found EMDR to be helpful, if you look up videos on youtube. It is a way of helping you deal with an extremely traumatic event.

Love and blessings and hugs to you.

Isolt

wanttobeanon wrote: »

Isolt I appreciate the sentiment but can I just make it clear to everone thatI didn't get myself into a drunken stupor, I had maybe three drinks over the course of the evening, that it why I am so convinced this guy spiked me.

Um, I was alluding to what you said in your OP about people accusing you of being 'foolish'. I thought that would have been obvious from everything else I wrote in the post. Particularly where I said ''for what it's worth, I believe you''.

Katy89

OP, very sorry you had to experience such an awful sh***.

I remember reading your post 1 year ago and I understand very well this is haunting you and you can't put it aside although it is a few years ago. This man is still out there and it is frightening to think he's still doing it.

From what you write I strongly believe this has happen to you. You (and others) seem to still question it.
You say you had bruises down there. Where else should they come from?
You said you didn't drink that much but are used to drinks so why should you've been bloccked out by a few drinks completley for hours?
Did you wake up in your hotelroom or in a different one? I can't remember this part.

This is a very serious story. I would definately try all you can do to press charges against this guy. you said you know him, that makes it much easier if it would be a complete stranger.
I just can advice you to try everything which is possible from your side to get this man convicted although unfortunately the chances seem to be slim.
but only this actions will put your mind at ease. Only then you can say you did everything and fought to get this man prosecuted.

You said you know him, is there not the possibility somebody else pressed charges against him in a similar case? let it be after or before your incident.
people like this are not doing this only once. especially if they are succesful and were getting away with it.
So if he has a history already, was maybe even charged, your case might get somewhere.
I don't know much about law here, but I strongly believe it will put your mind at ease if you can tell yourself you did everything you could.

all the best, my thoughts are with you