Small Talk

LegacyUser

Sorry about this folks, I appreciate this is incredibly trivial, and i don't mean to detract from people actual problems, but if anyone could offer some advice I'd be grateful.

Anyway, here it is. In the run up to Christmas we have a number of work social outing and there's a general expectation that everyone attend. The problem is for any similar functions I went to i found it incredibly difficult to make any kind of conversation/small talk with most of my colleagues and the ones i can end up dying a death fairly quickly. So i end up as a bit of a Billy no mates or "lingering around" other people/groups before eventually getting fed up and going home. The problem is I always end up annoyed because i feel like I've wasted the evening/night, and that it could have been better spent.

I assume it just a sign that I've nothing in common with my colleagues but other people seem to be able to manage it fairly but i don't really know how. i don't drink and to be honest i don't really have any friend (which could be indicative of my anti-social nature and why I'm having problem with this kind of situation) so perhaps that contributing to other people ease with the whole thing. Anyway if anyone has any suggestions/pointers I'd be grateful.

Sorry, this was a bit longer than i though it would be but thanks for reading. I do appreciate the trivial nature of this but if anyone has any advice I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

borabora

I don't think it's trivial at all. I am a 'people person' - I love people, I find nothing more interesting than people's emotional states, motivations, feelings, etc etc. I very much enjoy 'small talk', because it's not 'small talk'. It may be cursory information that is provided at first, but then you get a real conversation going, based on what you are interested in. You can't just fake it, nodding along pretending to be interested in whatever they're saying. You pick from their general conversation stream the threads that interest you, and go from there, asking questions about what you are interested in and listening, really listening, to their response. Talking about things you genuinely find interesting will show your personality- you will naturally be more interested, and therefore interesting. Charisma is all about making the other person feel special. Think about some general topics of conversation relevant to the other person, watch your eye contact and body language and RELAX. This whole issue is probably turning into a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy. Good luck!

sassyj

Hi, not sure if this is helpful, but I know someone who had a similar issue, she suffered from a bit of social anxiety, and small talk she also found very hard. She went to Brian Norbert, he does NLP, google it. I'veseen him on tv and he has helped people on Ray Darcy show. Might be worth considering?

cantdecide

I can relate to your situation, OP. I always seem to be a goal down before I even open my mouth with some people. maybe it's my size or my shaved head. Last weekend I walked into a coffee shop wearing my biker clobber and literally everyone, maybe 15-20 people, just hushed up. Literally everyone!! You'd swear I was swinging an axe around based on my entrance!!

Anyway, the advice I'll give you is smile, hold your head up and make eye contact. Speak clearly and deliberately, without waffling. Show interest but don't be over familiar. Don't try to be the life and soul of the party if it doesn't come naturally. Be careful of the tempo of conversation too.

skyfall2012

I would strongly agree with following the socialising techniques offered by the first poster. Because it took me a while to learn this lesson and it works very well for me now.

If you are like I was, I wasn't interested if I didn't get an instant buzz of people, if they didn't make me laugh my head off, I would get bored and not make an effort. I didn't really listen to people and what they were trying to communicate to me.

Since I learned to listen to people and analyse what they are saying and try to return an interesting view on the conversation, the laughs came with my knew efforts and I found people to be a lot more interesting than I gave them credit for.

So try not stand there with the 'thousand yard stare' and really try make the effort.

Dark Phoenix

The trick to small talk is to remember that people like to talk about themselves. You don't need to share any interests to be able to talk to them.

Ask questions, let them talk, listen. Find out what they like and you can bring that up next time and chat to them about it. Everyone has something in life they are passionate about and if you can get them on to that topic they will happily chat away - could be their kids, their hobby, their pets etc

Its hard because you do have to make an effort but its worth it when you can have a chat and not just stand there feeling awkward.

tomboylady

This used to be my nightmare situation before I started in my current job and I quickly realised that a huge part of it was attending functions and hosting events, all of which require a lot of small talk with various groups of people. I completely agree with Dark Phoenix, people like to talk about themselves, a lot. Just ask a few questions and let them talk while you listen intently. Plus, at least at this time of the year you can talk about Christmas and New Years and their plans, etc. Gradually ease yourself in and you'll be fine!

iusedtoknow

I was the same, my job now involves a lot of schmoozing and small talk, i do have the upper hand now that I am an Irish person in the states, but i still find it difficult. The best thing to remember is the people you are making small talk with probably feel exactly the same way. Ask about them (nothing too personal), plans for the holidays and don't be afraid to talk about work as sometimes it is the only thing you'll have in common.
One other thing though, don't drink to get confidence to start small talk, it'll end in tears (not that i'd know anything experience in that...no siree)

LegacyUser

Thanks very much folks, i do appreciate the helpful responses. Hopefully I'll have more success with this in future!! If nothing else I'll get plenty of time to practice!

Seriously though thanks very much, I appreciate internet forums aren't the greatest medium for expressing thanks but i genuinely am extremely grateful.