Romantic feelings for friend

LegacyUser

I've suddenly and unexpectantly found myself in a rather upsetting situation. I'm sure others have had similar problems so I'd like your advice

I've recently developed a friendship with a girl whose company I very much enjoy and we share a lot of interests. She has a boyfriend which is a long distance relationship and they see each other maybe once or twice a month.

The problem is that I've started to develop very strong feelings for her. I never intended that to happen, it just did. Obviously she has a boyfriend so I know nothing can happen between us. Sometimes, if I have a crush on a girl and I get to know her more, I realise that I have overrated her and perhaps put her on a pedestal. However, the opposite is true for this girl - the more I spend time with her, the more I like her and realise what I'm missing. I had a truly cruel and horrible situation with unrequited love about 10 years ago and I really want to avoid that. I don't love this girl yet, but I could certainly see it happening.



I feel I have two choices.

I really care for this girl and I love spending time with her. She really ticks all the boxes for what I want in a friend. So, I could try to ignore my true feelings in the hope they will go away and continue or friendship.

or

I'm afraid the more I spend with her, the deeper and stronger my unrequited feelings will become, so I'll end our friendship (in of course the nicest and gentlest way I could possibly think of). I really want this girl in my life, but I really don't want to fall in love with her and risk the torture of that.



This whole situation is made worse by the fact that I've been single for a long time and this girl and I really have a connection. She is just so right for me.

I'm in no doubt that this is an age old problem, but I'd appreciate some advice on these two options because I don't know what to do and this situation is all consuming at the moment.

Thanks in advance.

P. Breathnach

I don't think it is possible to maintain a friendship with somebody with whom you are in love.

There is another option: tell her how you feel. It won't make your situation worse, because it's already impossible. There is a possibility that she might take stock of her relationship and make a choice in your favour.

LegacyUser

Dude I hate to break it to ya but it sounds as if you already are in love with the girl -wanting to spend time with someone and really enjoying it, caring for them, sharing interests, having a connection with them and feeling like they're just 'right' for you is pretty much the definition of being in love. Trust me, stop worrying and count yourself very lucky if you find someone like that to be with and hold on to them with both hands when you do

karaokeman

P. Breathnach wrote: »

There is another option: tell her how you feel. It won't make your situation worse, because it's already impossible. There is a possibility that she might take stock of her relationship and make a choice in your favour.

I disagree, if she's in a relationship with someone else she will put that person first.

OP, I think the only thing you can do is get out there, try and meet more people, but just don't expect to meet someone you will like more than the girl who is currently in a relationship. If you try and enjoy yourself, be positive etc you will be more attractive to other women, but try and put your feelings for the taken girl aside for the time being.

username123

OP - my husband could have written your post 20 years ago.

In our situation he decided to cut contact with me as he couldnt just be my friend. In retrospect we were behaving like a couple without the physical intimacy.

We didnt see each other for years and then ran into each other by accident. We were both single. I still only wanted to be friends, he said it was relationship or nothing. We're married now.

He says now that he was right to cut contact that time because it was only hurting him to be friends when he wanted more, and it was stopping him from moving on with his life and finding someone who did want to go out with him.

So option 2.

P. Breathnach

karaokeman wrote: »

I disagree, if she's in a relationship with someone else she will put that person first....

Chances are that she will, but we don't know how strong the relationship is. OP has nothing to lose by giving her the option of transferring. Such things sometimes happen.

Merkin

I'd be inclined to stop being her friend but do her the courtesy by telling her why. Just tell her that you have developed feelings for her and that you respect the fact that she is in a relationship and that you can't maintain the level of friendship with her as it hurts too much. At least then you will have told her how you feel. Just cutting her out without an explanation would be quite cruel and at least this way you'll have professed your feelings which may possibly be reciprocated....who knows. Conducting a friendship when in love with her would not be a good idea.