mom issues, feeling Inadequate & rejection

LegacyUser

This is something that has building up in me for a while so might as well post and get some advice,

My mother was diagnosed with cancer about year and a half ago,
Thankfully it is not a very aggressive kind and as far as I know she is doing relatively well,
But obviously there are no certainties with cancer.

Some back story first:

I’m 24. I moved out of home when I was 18/19 have had a turbulent relationship with my mom since my teens,
She was very strict and extremely religious, I remember the first time I moved out she found a condom in my wallet,
And she absolutely lost it with me (I was going with a girl for a year at time) she told me she thought have more respect for myself
And did I know it was wrong in eyes of god.....

In an atheist now (she doesn’t know that) but once that condom thing happened I knew I had to get outta there,
I dropped Outta College when I was 19 just worked in different jobs around for last few years,
During this time she blew hot and cold towards me I , in that time I went through a bit of a rebelling phase had lots piercings stuff like that, whenever she saw me she would not say much to me except take that stuff outta of your face or whatever, I know all mothers hate that kind of thing but she literally thought it automatically made me some kind of evil person that should be in mountjoy.no more piercings these days so that’s not a problem.

I’m the youngest of 3 successful brothers so I feel I haven’t made her proud,
my dad has told me she worries about me, what will happen to me if she passes away.
I have returned to education this year , and I’m working really hard in my course just so i can make my parents proud.

Anyway about 6 months ago i was home for a visit and we don’t communicate much but i decided screw it life is short, I’m going bridge a gap and give her a hug that is a huge deal for me, I can’t emphasize huge enough, I’m not a good communicator
I couldn’t possibly remember when i said i love you last to my parents or vice versa


So i was saying good bye i stood up said something like "ok I’m off, sure give me a hug"......
followed by what seemed like a eternity of science but she just sat there and stared blankly at me and i felt embarrassed and awkward so just said bye and left.
I feel since this i have huge rejection issues and question about my mom loving me.
I feel like i let her down or haven’t been a good enough son and now i more than anything just want her to be proud of me

looksee

There are two different things going on here.

One is your mother who worries about you and wants you to do well so she can stop worrying about you. She is not a great communicator herself and did not know how to react to your (sudden and unexpected) offer of a hug. Her idea of communicating is to nag and worry, that doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or is disappointed in you, its just the way she is.

She also is dealing with a serious illness and is quite likely on medication that may be altering her mood, so she is not quite able to cope with things.

The other thing is that you on the one hand want to be independent, which showed in rebelliousness and dropping out of college, and on the other hand want your mother to love you and accept you as you are.

You are 24, you have to sort yourself out so that you are happy with yourself, whatever that involves. You may have to accept that you will never be as close to your mother as you would like.

What you can do is keep trying. I don't think there is that huge a barrier between you. Next time you visit, while you are still sitting down and things are quiet try saying something like, look mum, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I would like things to be ok between us, will you give me a hug? If she has a minute to cope with it I think she will respond, if she doesn't then you need to chat quietly and see if you can bring her round.

Good luck, and have a peaceful Christmas.