Getting over an infatuation?

tomthetank

Hey

I'm a mid 20s lady (despite the username!) and could use a good dose of advice...

I've been seeing this guy for the last few months. Altogether we've had six or seven (amazing) dates which left me well and truly smitten every single time. The problem is what would happen after those dates - he'd disappear off the radar for up to a week. Often I'd initiate the conversation, but if I didn't, it could be more than a week later before I'd hear from him.

A few times I asked him out again, once or twice he'd be 'too hungover' or 'too tired', which at the time I would take as a brush-off, cut contact, delete his number etc, only for him to pop up on my phone or fb chat a few days later.

I guess in summary, I've a lot of dating experience and this guy just wasn't giving me the vibes I usually get when someone is interested, despite his frequent claims that he likes me, he's just 'shy and awkward, a 'really bad texter' bla bla bla

The final straw was last night, when he responded to a message I sent FOUR DAYS EARLIER asking if he wanted to do something Sunday, saying 'sorry for the late reply, still in bits from last night! So don't think I'll be around to meet this evening. How's your weekend going?'.

What was even the point of that, like? As if I hadn't already figured out from his silence that there would be no meeting up??

Anyways needless to say, my head is all over the pkace, this sort of half-hearted behavior is not something I want to deal with, so I need to move on.

My problem is, I am utterly and totally 100% smitten with the guy. He's sort of a friend and hangs out in the same group, and I've had a thing for him for months, since before I got with my ex, who happens to be a friend of his. My feelings for my ex, who I was with for six months, never came close to what I feel for this guy - the chemistry is just not comparable. I'm so attracted to him, physically and personality-wise, and I'm at a loss as to how the hell I can get over him. Especially when I know that he sort of feels the same (or so he claims), but just isn't on the same page as me in terms of what he wants / the effort he's willing to make with me.

I've deleted his number, blocked him from facebook chat etc...but it's a matter of time before I bump into him again and I just can't get him out of my head. He'll 'like' a random fb photo of mine or pop up in similar fb conversations with mutual friends...he's just everywhere. I'm nowhere near over him, even though in my head I know that the frustration of his actions is something I can never get over. I need someone who is interested in pursuing me, contacting me, making me feel like they're interested.

Anyone have any advice?

judgefudge

He sounds like a head wrecker. Could you maybe stop using Facebook for a little while? You don't have to deactivate your account, but maybe take some time away from it to clear your head of him. It's just a suggestion.

It's bound to be difficult because he's a mutual friend, when I was in a similar situation I just avoided scenarios where I'd see the guy, despite the fact that deep down I really wanted to see him! It just makes it easier in the long run.

Cheek of him texting you last night! Not worth it at all!

Merkin

He's clearly not interested and you've resorted to chasing him and you're still not getting any response or encouragement.

Excellent advice above, take yourself off all social networks for a few weeks to get some perspective back and see it for what it's for.Sorry to be so blunt but he's not interested.

tomthetank

Cheers judgefudge, that's good advice, I think I'll try avoiding fb for a while, although it'll be tough as I live abroad and tend to rely on it heavily...but my sanity is far more important to me at this stage!

I'm just so torn really, as my feelings are just so strong, and a part of me (the psychotic part maybe ) just wants to text him and be like 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT????' As I like him so much and have to physically have to stop myself from contacting him, and don't get if he feels the same why he's just not bothering??

Anyway. Yeah. The facebook thing. I'll give that a shot!

judgefudge

tomthetank wrote: »

Cheers judgefudge, that's good advice, I think I'll try avoiding fb for a while, although it'll be tough as I live abroad and tend to rely on it heavily...but my sanity is far more important to me at this stage!

I'm just so torn really, as my feelings are just so strong, and a part of me (the psychotic part maybe ) just wants to text him and be like 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT????' As I like him so much and have to physically have to stop myself from contacting him, and don't get if he feels the same why he's just not bothering??

Anyway. Yeah. The facebook thing. I'll give that a shot!

Yeah it's a pity that you're abroad, but like I said there is no need to deactivate your account, just take it easy for a bit!

I know it's hard when ya really like someone, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter what he says he feels for you, his actions don't show it. For him to wait until last night to text you shows no consideration for your feelings. Even if he is interested I know I wouldn't want someone treating me like that!

Lorna123

What do you like about him OP ????

tomthetank

I know, I sound...mental.

He's actually a really sound guy, very friendly, funny, easy to chat to etc.
When I was with my ex I found myself naturally gravitating towards him, we just got on so well and then there's a definite physical attraction there too.

We got together a few weeks after I broke up with my ex and he suffered a massive bout of guilt, but once he got over that we started seeing each other...and I noticed there was this change in him. He seemed sort of nervous in my company, and would always say things like 'I'm so shy and awkward around girls I like' and it really was me being forward with him physically all those times. I just got the sense that he liked me but was really shy, he'd tell me how when he likes someone he'll actively go out of his way to NOT be around them coz he doesn't know how to act, gets nervous etc. Except if it's a mate's gf or something where there's no risk of anything happening. Which is a bit ****ed up really,

Which is why, as obvious as it seems that he's just not that into me, I feel like there's something more to this too, like there's a part of him that doesn't know how to act or is overly shy and awkward or something...

Not that it matters at this stage anyway, as it's all just too head-wrecking to have to deal with. I just wish he wasn't making it so damn impossible when it should be straight forward, but I have too much self-respect to take someone else's issues on to the detriment of my own sanity!!!

Thanks for all the replkies

Abi

If he wants to ask you how your weekend is going by text, fair enough. If he asks to meet up just the two of you, the answer is no. If he asks why, short sharp answer - 'it's not working out for me'.

He doesn't want commitment, and I'm sorry, but it's like you're there to fill the gaps. Don't be that girl, it's not what you're looking for.

You're being strung along, so put an end to it ASAP, and as the others said, break ties with him on FB.

LegacyUser

Hi Tomthetank,

I am in the exact same position with a guy who I share mutual friends with. We get on well when we meet up then it could go days before I hear from him again. I have said it to him and I get the usual I was busy and not to take it as hes not interested. Its dragging onto long now. He should make more of an effort. I feel like im chasing him now even though he initiated everything. I just wonder why bother asking me out and drip feed me messages. You wonder why they even bother???

I have just decided to ignore him now. Its hard when you thought it was going somewhere. Its disappointing. It still doesn't stop me analysing the situation though.

Its good to hear someone else is in the same position and I'm not a psychotic girl imagining it all:)

tomthetank

Thanks Abi, that's great advice. I definitely won't be responding if he asks me out again, though at this stage I'm doubtful he'll even bother, the last two times it was me.

Understand - your post was so comforting to read. I know I'm not crazy, clingy, needy, desperate etc etc etc but his lack of effort is making me feel that way, it's actually making me feel guilty and bad for liking him in the first place. Like wanting a bit of communication with the guy I've been dating - and he's told all our friends about it, so I've hardly orchestrated the whole thing in my head - is some big crime?? And why did he bother telling anyone?

It IS disappointing as I had high hopes for this, I felt stronger for him than I did my ex, I kind of thought, finally, someone I completely click with. Someone who feels the same.

But I'm also at the stage where it's ME doing all the chasing and that's not something I'm comfortable with or have ever had to do in any of my previous relationships. If he gives a damn, he'll make the effort, it's as simple as that really.

So I've just gone right ahead and deactivated my fb account temporarily. I think I'll keep it like that for at least a week. I've been spending too much time on it in general and work has gotten busy so can't afford to be procrastinating - killing two birds, as it were

Plus I realised that I was secretly hoping he would message me and I know if he does (which happens every 5+ days) I wouldn't be strong enough at this stage to not engage him in conversation, which will further **** my head up and I don't need that.

Anyways thank you all for the advice. Onwards and upwards!