EX issues

shelly818

so me and my ex were at a party on fri night and ended up hooking up.. we had been flirting with each other past few weeks and all that night... we have had a complicated relationship as he has some personal issues which has made the past year hard for him and has been saying that he wants to be together but he's afraid of hurting me!

I want to text him to see if he's ok with what happened because knowing him he's probably worried about it as sometimes he over thinks things.. but i dont know what to say, i also want to talk to him about what happened and see what we should do.... but again i dont know what to say all advice is greatly appreciated

ash23

OK your post is all about him and what he wants and how he might feel.

What about you? What do you want? How do you feel?

You seem to be putting him ahead of you in all this.

shelly818

im unsure about what i want, before i thought it would be nice to get back with him as i missed him and his company... but now im thinking about the issues we had when we were together and he let his own personal issues effect the relationship even though i told him repeatedly that i can accept his flaws and issues and we can deal with them!

ash23

I have to be honest and say it sounds like you were more into the relationship than he was. I remember a good friend of mine, who had been happily married for decades, giving me some advice. I was ranting about all I had done for my ex partner, the sacrifices I'd made, the leeway I'd given, the support and reassurances I had always provided for him and then he ceremoniously dumped me.

I was vowing never again to be so nice and to give so much of myself in a relationship. But she pointed out that I wasn't wrong to have done that. That is part of being someones partner. The problem only occurs when the scales aren't balanced, where one is doing all the giving and the other all the taking.

I am now in an equal relationship and I give as much of myself as I did in the past. But this time, I get it back from him too and it makes a world of difference.

You are too concerned with him. He has all the power and seems like he gets to make all the decisions about your future.

Don't contact him. Wait for him to be concerned about how YOU are, about what YOU want. Surely he should be as concerned about you as you are about him?

His response (if any) will speak volumes. Play your cards close to your chest. I suspect you will get something like "last night was great but we can't be together because yadda yadda yadda".

Oh, and avoid him if you want any chance of moving on from him. And you should move on and find someone who gives you the relationship you deserve.

Merkin

shelly818 wrote: »

so me and my ex were at a party on fri night and ended up hooking up.. we had been flirting with each other past few weeks and all that night... we have had a complicated relationship as he has some personal issues which has made the past year hard for him and has been saying that he wants to be together but he's afraid of hurting me!

I want to text him to see if he's ok with what happened because knowing him he's probably worried about it as sometimes he over thinks things.. but i dont know what to say, i also want to talk to him about what happened and see what we should do.... but again i dont know what to say all advice is greatly appreciated

Oh dear, sounds to me like you're making one excuse after another for him. Surely he should be contacting you to make sure you're feeling ok? Feeding you this line of being "afraid of hurting you" is normally a convenient precursor or get out of jail free card for someone who does intend to hurt you. It would seem he's not all that pushed and you are making excuses for him. If it's over you are only causing yourself more hurt and pain by occasionally hooking up with him. How long is it over and why did he break it off?

shelly818

Merkin wrote: »

How long is it over and why did he break it off?

its been over for about one and half months... i was actually the one that broke it off because i had enough of everything that was going on...
I did cut off all contact but he has contacted me on a few occasions and made a point of having conversations when we have been out together ( we have quite a few mutual friends)

Merkin

OK, well every time he contacts you he is actually stopping you from moving on properly and getting on with things. Do you actually want to get back with him? If not then I'd tell him you want to cut contact for the time being and that he should respect your wishes.

CaraMay

So he was texting you to flirt when it was off yet since you hooked up last Friday he hasnt been in touch?

Plus he is texting you and scoring with you but is afraid to commit to you in case he hurts you?

OP can you see the issues as I see them?

shelly818

I do see the problems with what happened and friends have been saying that it was bound to happen that neither one of us can let each other go...

He has been in contact tonight he rang me when he got in from work tonight! he wants to talk about what happened but also about what has been going on since i called it off.

so we are meeting up tomorrow night to talk everything over.

jantheman91

Hope it works out OP! Keep us posted