Finding hard to be what i want to be

LegacyUser

My life is pretty much a mess every few weeks.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother, she has always(to this day and she's nearly a pensioner) failed to pay bills, mortgages, rent etc. My life has been dictated by her drinking. I've been the "parent" since i was 13, effectively, and I've built up so much anger toward her that it is crippling me emotionally. I'm close to 40 now and whenever i think i have made progress she goes and makes another fúck up and i'm almost back to square one.

I have faced her about it numerous times, but she is an addict (as am I, a recovering gambling addict, so i recognise the behaviour patters), and anything i say goes in one ear and out of the other.

The problem is that i seem to be copying this behaviour at times. I have a wonderful partner, two great children and a very good job. I am in recovery for gambling, which is going well, and struggling mightily with stopping smoking. My mind races every few weeks, the way only an addicts mind does. I become distracted, distant, cold and emotionless almost, withdrawing into my own little world. It's not fair on my family.

I've been seeing an excellent psychotherapist for 10 months and have made big strides, but I'm still suffering relapses into my old thought patterns. I get huge amounts of anger(none of it physical, or threatening, just shouting in my car, or getting overly annoyed by people in queues etc) and also have a tendency to belittle things my partner says, which is way out of line and totally unacceptable.

I don't want my children to have to grow up in this environment, or my partner to have to keep putting up with my cycles of depression and anger. I've seen a psychiatrist in the past, and apparently I'm on the cusp of being diagnosed with bi-Polar disorder, but he felt that talk therapy was all i needed.

Does anyone have any advice on what I could do to make our lives more manageable and happier?

username123

Try Alanon, it saved me from the issues landed on me from my alcoholic father. I broke the pattern, you can too. No quick fixes though, I attended for years and worked on myself to break the dysfunctional patterns, and have to keep an eye on myself always to be sure Im not slipping.

skyfall2012

I just want to say 'fair play to you for dealing with your addictions' because that is not easy and your mother did not manage to do that for you.

Are you being to hard on yourself? What you have overcome is already huge. Try just apologizing to your partner when you catch yourself belittling him and do the same for the kids. But don't tie yourself up in knots worrying that you are not good enough, because none of us are perfect.

I think from what you have said, that you are doing real well and keep on track with that. Maybe mention it to your psychotherapist, that you are still struggling somewhat in this area and you could focus your sessions on these issues.

I really hope you find peace in yourself:)

Queen-Mise

Alanon - to help deal with your Mother. It is probably an essential - detach with love. It would help a great deal not to be jumping on your mother's roller coaster as well as dealing with your own stuff.

I like it when you said the anger was coming out in the car (not road rage like) - but there is probably lots of pent up anger growing in you since being the parent at 13. So screaming at the top of your voice in car will help - maybe not in standing traffic though. I used to pummel pillows. I bought boxing mitts at one stage - the ones where the other person would hold the pads and I'd punch them- that was great.
Exercise might help - rage can be kept in muscles but then if you are not ready for it, too much anger can come up at once and be very detrimental. This would have to be your call and what you think would be best.

And with the family I would acknowledge the mood swings (for want of a better term) and apologise if your behaviour was off for a few days. Tell them that you are going through a process and talk about it. What I mean - is explain you are in a cycle of every few weeks - and that you are trying to break it, but that it has been there probably for the previous X years - so won't be done in a month or two.

Re-think the smoking one. I think one of the keys to giving up is being in the right head space. Smoke again during the xmas period and then try again in the middle of January. If you are off a few weeks at this stage then stick at it.

Keep with the psychotherapy - 27 years worth of sh*te is not sorted out in 10 months:) It is working for you and well done.