Bothered by comments about beauty

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy for three months now. Everything has gone swimmingly, we've told each other we're crazy about each other and there hasn't been a wobble or a cross word. But something's begun to niggle at me and I can't work out if I'm being completely unreasonable.

He tells me I'm beautiful all the time. I'm someone who is considered attractive but always felt ugly as a child so I am quite insecure deep down. He comments on the appearances of others in the casual way that most people do: She's really beautiful about people on telly, friends of his etc. None of that has bothered me very much until yesterday when we were watching a dating show on telly and he said "I'd pick her cos she's the prettiest." I said how shallow and he laughed it off. Now it's continued to fester with me. I feel like I want to discuss it with him but feel ridiculous at the thought of brining it up. What bothers me is the attitude, it makes me feel insecure, that appearances are that important to him. I trust him, I would never be worried that he'd act on it but the beauty-worship has made me feel cold towards him.

What do you think? Is this actually my own issue or is it ok to be bothered by it?

Lorna123

I know exactly what you mean OP. It is like you always have to be watching how you are turned out in case he goes off you. However, he does think you are pretty too and he has picked you, so that means something. This is probably just an annoying habit he has commenting on pretty girls. Could you start picking out the most handsome men and see does he get the message? Of course he would pick the prettiest of a line up of women on a show like that because he knows nothing else about them. I don't think that I would take all of this too seriously though, relax.

superblu

Everything is going too well so you're worried. You have to find something wrong and now you have found it. Congratulations. The poor lad probably hasn't a clue so give him a break. I'd understand if he was ogling women in pubs niteclubs or on the streets but on the TV. I suggest you roll with the punches.

LegacyUser

superblu wrote: »

Everything is going too well so you're worried. You have to find something wrong and now you have found it. Congratulations. The poor lad probably hasn't a clue so give him a break. I'd understand if he was ogling women in pubs niteclubs or on the streets but on the TV. I suggest you roll with the punches.

I've begun to think you're right. As I was thinking about it today I realised he says it because he's thinking it ... He's a bit of an open book, says whatever comes into his mind. I reckon he thinks saying it is better ... more innocent ... than thinking it and not saying it. So, yeah, everyone is attracted to people, finds people attractive. Would I really rather he think it and not say it? No. That he's actually quite shallow and places such a premium on beauty? That still rankles with me a little. When we got together there was a lot of "She's out of his league" talk among mutual friends. I guess he likes that. I'd prefer if he was more "Personality is as/more important than looks" but he's not. To bring it up would be negative so I guess I'll just have to accept that about him - everything else is perfect, he's a complete darling to me - and let it slide.

I also fear what you say about finding something wrong might be true. No matter who I met something would probably niggle. So I've very lucky to have found someone who's mad about me, treats me well, is thoughtful and wants to spend time with me, and will work on my own insecurities so it doesn't bother me as much.

tinkerbell

OP, I think you are WAY over-reacting here. He commented on how hot a girl was on a dating show. When people are watching or are on dating shows, all they have to go on is looks. They don't know one thing about the person other than (a) how attractive they are and (b) how they dress. In that situation, you'd hardly pick the most unattractive person out of the lot now, would you?

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, I think you are WAY over-reacting here. He commented on how hot a girl was on a dating show. When people are watching or are on dating shows, all they have to go on is looks. They don't know one thing about the person other than (a) how attractive they are and (b) how they dress. In that situation, you'd hardly pick the most unattractive person out of the lot now, would you?

Without getting into too much, there was a little more to it than that - as in each person was on for about twenty minutes and even though this person was the least nice/fun he said he'd pick her cos she was the prettiest and agreed it was shallow. And it made me like him a little less! I haven't said anything to him about it but I am concerned that it is something that will recur and will continue to bother me. What I'm trying to figure out is if it's all attributable to my own insecurities as someone who never felt pretty.

Meller

Bring it up casually in the future, just the topic in general, if you see an opportunity where you can lead into talking about it. Just a conversation about the importance of appearances, lots of people talk about that. You don't have to mention the specific incident with the gameshow, but you can throw it in maybe ('remember you said... blabla'). Would be no big deal, I don't think. I'm sure he'll reassure you.

tinkerbell

Ex-duckling wrote: »

Without getting into too much, there was a little more to it than that - as in each person was on for about twenty minutes and even though this person was the least nice/fun he said he'd pick her cos she was the prettiest and agreed it was shallow. And it made me like him a little less! I haven't said anything to him about it but I am concerned that it is something that will recur and will continue to bother me. What I'm trying to figure out is if it's all attributable to my own insecurities as someone who never felt pretty.

Regardless of this, my opinion has not changed. You are completely overreacting and it's just trying to find faults with your boyfriend, he has done nothing wrong. You said he treats you so well, so concentrate on that - stop making an issue out of absolutely nothing.

LegacyUser

Meller wrote: »

Bring it up casually in the future, just the topic in general, if you see an opportunity where you can lead into talking about it. Just a conversation about the importance of appearances, lots of people talk about that. You don't have to mention the specific incident with the gameshow, but you can throw it in maybe ('remember you said... blabla'). Would be no big deal, I don't think. I'm sure he'll reassure you.

This is really good advice, thanks. If I'm to bring it up at all it should be casually as Tinkerbell is right, he's done nothing wrong.

Tinkerbell, you're right. I've been in a few relationships now and I can see this is my own insecurity rearing its ugly head. He has done nothing but been 100% lovely to me, he is very affectionate, complimentary and thoughtful. I'm very glad I said nothing and had ye're perspectives to show me I'm wrong. There are real problems in life and then there are ones you can make all by yourself, God knows why.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

It sounds like a flip comment that was made, not like he has put hours of thought into this tv show.

He thinks you're beautiful, so what's the problem? You'll regret it if you keep picking fault with his throwaway comments and ir ends up driving a wedge between you or you've a boyfriend who is too afraid to say anything, lest it be taken up the wrong way.

borabora

I think it's the fact that you believe he's places so much importance on looks. This is a problem because you still feel like an ugly child - that's what your self image dictates. So even though logically you know that now you're "considered good looking", you don't feel like you really are, so you're hurt and feel not good enough and vulnerable, even though in reality you don't need to whatsoever. And by the sounds of his comments, I'm sure you're way overblowing them. Or perhaps you feel insecure because you think the relationship is only happening because you're good looking, and you are reacting against that because you don't feel like that inside.

Think it's time to separate what's happening inside and what's actually happening outside! Your boyf sounds lovely, most likely you're being way way oversensitive. Understandably though! Have personal experience of this myself...ugly duckling syndrome is a tough one to shake! Good luck OP.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Perhaps the next time you are with him you could concentrate on the other comments that he makes. If you make dinner does he compliment you on your cooking, he just sounds like a nice guy.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone.

It came up in conversation this morning. We had a proper calm talk about it and I feel completely assured that he is not at all shallow and understands why that kind of thing pains me.

Borabora, you hit the nail on the head. That is it exactly.

So now I understand it's my issue, he understands it's something I'm sensitive about, and I feel very lucky and glad I waited to discuss it naturally, thanks to ye're excellent advice.