The Ex-Factor

b.harte

This is my first thread here, only one post previously.
Apologies if it the wrong area, was going to post in Relationship Issues but think it fits better here:
A friend of mine from work is considering moving in with his GF, ordinarily not an issue and I think when a relationship reaches a certain point it is a logical step, done it myself many times over the years with various people and eventually got married after moving in together first. So from my perspective it's a normal thing to do.
In this situation the couple are both late thirties / early forties and have kids from their previous relationship.
The GF has 3 and has full custody, amicably arranged with her Ex who had regular access, again amicably arranged. It would be fair to say that he (the Ex) is a stable part of the kids lives, except he no longer resides under the same roof.
Similarly, my buddy has 2 kids from his previous relationship, he has full custody of one (sort of amicably arranged due to his eldest not wishing to live with his Mam when she took a new boyfriend). His youngest lives full time with the Mam, but as with the guy above, there is regular interaction with the kids.
For both my buddy, and his new GF they are on good terms with their respective Ex partners.
My buddy would be on good social terms with his GF's Ex through sports etc, not quiet "friends" but nothing out of the ordinary, they even socialise on occasion and as far as he is concerned there is no ill-feeling that he is seeing the man's Ex.
Still with me? ::o
So, when the subject of them moving in together came up I asked if her Ex knew.
He (the buddy) sort of looked at me and asked why.
I gave my two pence that as the Ex is such a part of his kids life, it may upset that balance if someone else is now "the man about the house". There is also the fact that men are generally prone to jealously, specifically when it comes to Ex's, it is alright to assume or know that an Ex has moved on, but having it confirmed affects men at a deeply personal level.
That's my train of though from my own experiences in the past and those of others I know. It seems to be a common (at least with the men that I know) trait that there is a sense of ambivolence towards her "moving on" until it becomes obvious or confirmed that there is a new (sexual) relationship.
I think it bothers men that someone else is taking "their" place.
And yes, I'm aware that's fairly pathetic. :eek:

So, my eventual question / point is:
Do you think the Ex should be made aware beforehand, and would it be better coming from the GF or my Buddy?
At one level my buddy has no direct reason to seek approval / consent etc from the Ex, but at a man level it might be better to at least mention it, assuming that the GF has mentioned it previously.
Especially given that their appears to be an all around cordiality to their various interactions.
Finally, to put my own context on things, I have been stupid / unlucky ignorant enough to have had formally amicable dealings with some of my Exs ruined my man jealously once an Ex has a new stable relationship, irrespective of my own relationship status.
Seriously, sometimes men (or at least me) are just gimps.

So what should I pass on to the buddy?
What would be the female perspective on this?

Twee.

Hi OP, I have moved this to the Relationships forum as our charter states

9) The Ladies Lounge is not a place for men to come and start threads requesting opinions on X, Y and Z from women. Women aren't of a single mind or opinion.

.

Lorna123

b.harte wrote: »

This is my first thread here, only one post previously.
Apologies if it the wrong area, was going to post in Relationship Issues but think it fits better here:
A friend of mine from work is considering moving in with his GF, ordinarily not an issue and I think when a relationship reaches a certain point it is a logical step, done it myself many times over the years with various people and eventually got married after moving in together first. So from my perspective it's a normal thing to do.
In this situation the couple are both late thirties / early forties and have kids from their previous relationship.
The GF has 3 and has full custody, amicably arranged with her Ex who had regular access, again amicably arranged. It would be fair to say that he (the Ex) is a stable part of the kids lives, except he no longer resides under the same roof.
Similarly, my buddy has 2 kids from his previous relationship, he has full custody of one (sort of amicably arranged due to his eldest not wishing to live with his Mam when she took a new boyfriend). His youngest lives full time with the Mam, but as with the guy above, there is regular interaction with the kids.
For both my buddy, and his new GF they are on good terms with their respective Ex partners.
My buddy would be on good social terms with his GF's Ex through sports etc, not quiet "friends" but nothing out of the ordinary, they even socialise on occasion and as far as he is concerned there is no ill-feeling that he is seeing the man's Ex.
Still with me? ::o
So, when the subject of them moving in together came up I asked if her Ex knew.
He (the buddy) sort of looked at me and asked why.
I gave my two pence that as the Ex is such a part of his kids life, it may upset that balance if someone else is now "the man about the house". There is also the fact that men are generally prone to jealously, specifically when it comes to Ex's, it is alright to assume or know that an Ex has moved on, but having it confirmed affects men at a deeply personal level.
That's my train of though from my own experiences in the past and those of others I know. It seems to be a common (at least with the men that I know) trait that there is a sense of ambivolence towards her "moving on" until it becomes obvious or confirmed that there is a new (sexual) relationship.
I think it bothers men that someone else is taking "their" place.
And yes, I'm aware that's fairly pathetic. :eek:

So, my eventual question / point is:
Do you think the Ex should be made aware beforehand, and would it be better coming from the GF or my Buddy?
At one level my buddy has no direct reason to seek approval / consent etc from the Ex, but at a man level it might be better to at least mention it, assuming that the GF has mentioned it previously.
Especially given that their appears to be an all around cordiality to their various interactions.
Finally, to put my own context on things, I have been stupid / unlucky ignorant enough to have had formally amicable dealings with some of my Exs ruined my man jealously once an Ex has a new stable relationship, irrespective of my own relationship status.
Seriously, sometimes men (or at least me) are just gimps.

So what should I pass on to the buddy?
What would be the female perspective on this?

No harm for your buddy to mention it to his ex just as a matter of courtesy.

Infinitejester

I'd disregard the whole jealousy issue, but her ex has a right to know who his kids are living with. I'd say its the GFs place to tell him too.

b.harte

Yeah, that was my thinking.
He seemed sort of surprised that I though the Ex had a right to know.
Thing is that I wouldn't have thought anything of it except for there being kids and access involved.
I was talking to him again about it and they are even having Christmas dinner together as his GF thinks it important for the kids.
He reckons it may have been mentioned already.
I still think the jealously thing is relevant, I even asked him how we felt when his ex had a new serious relationship, his response was that he felt bad that it was going on under the same roof that his kids were under, as I said previously his eldest moved out because he didn't like the situation.
Thanks again.

neveah

It's totally up to your friend's girlfriend to tell her ex that she's moving in with her new partner. He has a right to know considering his child will be living under the same roof but it's definitely not your place to tell him.
You can advise your friend but really it's the mother of the child who should have the common courtesy to inform the father of the child of the new living arrangements. Anything after that, 'man jealousy' as you put it is something that the father of the child will just have to learn to deal with and adapt to.

daisybelle2008

OP, if your buddy has not specifically asked you for your opinion on this, I would stay well out of it. Every situation is different and it is better to respect that your friend is capable of handling his own affairs and not impose your opinions and generalisation on his situation no matter how well meaning.

Taltos

OP - as this is not a relationship issue for you but for a friend we are going to close this thread.

All the best
Taltos