About to bang my head off a wall

zodiak

Hey guys,

Not sure if I want advice or just a good rant. Been living away for 2 years now and only moved back to Ireland 5 weeks ago. Im 22 and was living a life where I didnt care who knew I was gay. I never came out to my mum when at home and am so ready to do it now but there are family issues going on and me coming out would be the straw that breaks the camels back right now so I have to keep it under lock and key.

Few my friends in Ireland know im gay but they have mostly left by now so it feels like Iv just been pushed back inside the closet and someones chucked the key. Getting the usual "so now your home you going to friend yourself a nice girl bullsh*t".

Im in dublin and seriously isolated from my gay lifestyle of soho and Oxford street in Sydney I miss it everyday. The frustration is getting to me and thats only after 5 weeks. Has anyone ever been in this situation before or what are your thoughts on escaping the closet and then going straight back into it? I know my options are come out to the family and cause murder or to leave again which isnt an option since I was summonsed home for a reason.

Im not a camp person im pretty straight acting but having to hide and lie is just starting to p**s me off alot

Doop

lad, i went through the exact same thing, was living in Melbourne free as a bird and came home and somehow found myself back in the closet which i never wanted to be in. Guess u jus gotta find ur feet an get out there an meet people and make a bit of a gay life for yourself again.

Cant say much about the urge to come out to your mother as thats something you have to deal with yourself really, although im very familiar with the situation, re coming home and having to deal with family etc who dont know you're gay after living the way you want to for so long.

best of luck and feel free to pm us if u wanna talk!

Peregrinus

You've put your own life - well, an aspect of it, anyway - temporarily on hold for the sake of your family, which is altruistic of you. You're asking yourself how long you want to keep doing this, which ultimately is only a question you can answer. We can't tell you how altruistic you have to be, or for how long.

(OK, it's maybe not entirely altruistic. You only get to come out to your family once. Presumably, when you do come out to your family, you hope for a better outcome rather than a worse one, and possible the chances of a better outcome are possibly greater if you don't pick a moment when they are already dealing with some entirely unrelated sh*tstorm.)

Have you any sense of when and how your family situation might change? How long might you have to wait before it's a better time to come out? Could the stuff they're dealing with at present continue indefinitely, or is it the kind of stuff that must resolve itself one way or another? It may be easier to keep waiting if the end, or the prospect of the end, is at least in sight.

manic mailman

Peregrinus wrote: »

You've put your own life - well, an aspect of it, anyway - temporarily on hold for the sake of your family, which is altruistic of you. You're asking yourself how long you want to keep doing this, which ultimately is only a question you can answer. We can't tell you how altruistic you have to be, or for how long.

(OK, it's maybe not entirely altruistic. You only get to come out to your family once. Presumably, when you do come out to your family, you hope for a better outcome rather than a worse one, and possible the chances of a better outcome are possibly greater if you don't pick a moment when they are already dealing with some entirely unrelated sh*tstorm.)

Have you any sense of when and how your family situation might change? How long might you have to wait before it's a better time to come out? Could the stuff they're dealing with at present continue indefinitely, or is it the kind of stuff that must resolve itself one way or another? It may be easier to keep waiting if the end, or the prospect of the end, is at least in sight.

Peregrinus is spot on here i think.I liken your situation to my own when I was putting off telling my folks. I always had the "it's not an appropriate time" mindset which inevitably led to me justifying not telling them this weekend, on this day, etc.

At the end o' the day, you're the only one that can really judge whether or not it's truly the time to tell them. If you're living with them at home and fear a negative reaction, then maybe wait until you've the means to live away from home again (but only if that's a legitimate option, I know you said you were brought back home for a reason).

zodiak

thanks for the advice guys. The situation is that the family issues are going to keep up for now so I am starting to think f**k it and just do it but the thoughts of it are making me feel guilty already for adding more to the s**t heap. Glad im not the only one who has experienced this though. I dont think its a case of finding excuses to not come out but maybe ina few weeks i can re asses the situation

floggg

zodiak wrote: »

thanks for the advice guys. The situation is that the family issues are going to keep up for now so I am starting to think f**k it and just do it but the thoughts of it are making me feel guilty already for adding more to the s**t heap. Glad im not the only one who has experienced this though. I dont think its a case of finding excuses to not come out but maybe ina few weeks i can re asses the situation

Obviously if there is stuff going on at home, you need to be sensitive to that and you might decide to delay telling people as a result.

But don't feel guilty about wanting to tell them. There's no reason to.

All that you are doing in coming honest is being honest with them about certain aspects of your life. You shouldn't have to put your life on hold indefinitely for them.

You mentioned that you were summonsed home, which means your family needed and expected your help support. Likewise they should be there for you, so if coming out to them is something you need to do, then they should be there for you.

Personally I think the selfish thing is families who put their own prejudices and issues over the needs of LGBT loved ones who come out to them.

CdeC

Are you living at home??

could you move out and at least then you'll have some freedom from your parents.