Why do I feel guilty?

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

So myself and my girlfriend (of 3 years) split up before the start of the summer. Basically I got a good job in town and was ready to settle down, get married, kids etc and she wasn't. These things happen.

Now we ended on very good terms, no shouting, no arguing and we are still in frequent contact, maybe twice a week via facebook and we meet up maybe once a month for tea.

So here's my problem. I have been out on a few dates with a girl I like, nothing serious, dinner, drinks and a few kisses.

Yet I feel really guilty that I am out enjoying myself with another woman. I imagine it is because I still have lingering feelings for my ex and somehow feel we are still connected..

Thoughts?

P. Breathnach

I think something needs to be clarified: when you say that you were ready for marriage and family, would you have been prepared to marry your former girlfriend if she was also ready?

Lorna123

It is quite understandable to feel awkward with someone new after coming out of a 3 year relationship, but as your ex was the one who didn't want to cement this relationship then why would you feel guilty? Do you think that if you continue meeting up with your ex that you might get back together and that being with someone new might scupper your chances? If your ex has made it quite clear that there will never be permanency between you then forget about the guilt.

LegacyUser

@P. Breathnach Yes I was prepared to settle down with her and start and family. She however was not.

@Lorna123 No, I don't think I am lingering onto a fantasy about getting back together with her. I have not told her about this new girl, but if she asked, I would tell her. Maybe it's because I still have strong feelings for her that somehow i feel i am betraying what we once had by not waiting longer??

Thanks for the replies.

P. Breathnach

It's only a few months since you broke up with a girl you would have liked to marry; you still have strong feelings for her; you are in regular contact; you don't see much likelihood of getting together with her again. But what if your ex told you that she had changed her mind, and would indeed like to marry you? I suspect that you would go back to her without hesitation. That's a challenging circumstance for any new relationship; in fact, I'd go so far as to say that it would make a serious relationship impossible.

You say that you feel guilt about enjoying your time with another woman. Guilt, of all things! Emotions are difficult things, not readily subject to intellectual control, but guilt seems to a strange choice for your psyche to make. I could understand your feeling conflicted, uncertain about where you want things to go with your new girl, some heightening of a sense of loss associated with your ex - but guilt would be off my radar.

Perhaps you need some kind of exorcism. Consider this course of action:
- tell your ex that you are seeing somebody else;
- tell her also that you are conflicted about starting into a new relationship;
- say that continuing contact with her contributes to your problem, and that you need to sever all contact.

If you cannot bring yourself to sever all contact with your ex, then you know that you are not in the right place to develop a new relationship.

LegacyUser

@ P.Breathnach I think you are right in everything you've said. If she did say to me tomorrow that she wants to settle down and have kids, I would go back without a moments hesitation. That being said, you're right, a serious relationship is not possible under those conditions..

But I am not looking for a serous relationship, now. Perhaps in 6 months to a year, yes.

You are right that i need to tell her that i need to move on and that i am trying to do so. Our families are very close (I'm very close friends with her brother and sister), so cutting all contact (especially over christmas) will be practically very difficult, but i take your point.

Thanks again