Explaining Family Relations

happydayz8

Hi All,

We co-parent a 6 year old boy. We only lived together for the initial 6 month after he was born. The other night my son told me crying that he misses his dad who he sees one evening per week and spends every second weekend with. This is the first time he has had issues with us not living together.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma now how to explain why we don't live together and that it will never happen. I want things to be clear and not create internal conflict for him. I get on with his Dad but have been in a relationship again since my son was about 1.5 years old. My boyfriend and my son get on extremely well and he loves him like his own.

So what I'm looking for is how do I gently explain things to him? Any suggestions or even book recommendations that broche these issues / subjects?

Any input much appreciated especially from people with experience.

Thanks

LadyMayBelle

OP,
Im not 100% which of these books do or dont mention the word 'divorce' (I know this isnt your case but it might be worth checking the reviews on each in case)

*Two Homes by Claire Masurel *
*Every Second Friday by Lightfoot
*Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray
*It's not your fault Koko Bear (more divorce aftermath based)
*I dont want to talk about it (great book about feelings as colours and animals)

I def be giving me space to talk about how it feels, and really empathise how hard it is when he doesnt understand why ye all cant live together. Might be worth getting an Usborne type book on families and how they come in all shapes and sizes but they are all perfectly normal? Might be a good starting point. Something like this maybe: http://www.amazon.co.uk/All-Kinds-Families-Rachel-Fuller/dp/1857077563/ref=pd_sim_b_4

I'd maintain consistency on the days he visits Dad; maybe it can go up by a day, and have a calender so he knows when he is going and what he needs to bring? Children need that security so maybe there can be some similar items in each house to enhance that sense of security and normality?

happydayz8

Thanks so much LadyMayBelle. I've done a bit of research into those books and have ordered Every Second Friday by Lightfoot so thanks so much for all the ideas. We had a lovely evening the other day so I attempted the subject and just asked if we could talk about him missing Daddy. The chat went really well. I've always been very strict with his Dad that things have to follow a routine so he comes same day every week; unfortunately I doubt he'll be able to increase his visits. You are right, children thrive on routine and knowing what to expect. His Dad comes to us during the week and my son goes to him every second weekend. I'm teaching my son now how to use the phone so that he can ring when ever he wants. He told me he wanted me, my boyfriend and his Daddy to all live together.

Klingon Hamlet

I've always been very strict with his Dad that things have to follow a routine so he comes same day every week; unfortunately I doubt he'll be able to increase his visits.

Would you allow him see his dad every weekend instead of every second weekend?

Have you got Skype?

Have you broached the subject of more frequent visits with his dad?

I only ask because you might be surprised by the result:)

happydayz8

Thanks Klingon Hamlet,

His Dad can visiting as often as he wants. For a while he came when it suited so I asked him to commit to a specific day a week. I asked for skype but he's unable to do skype.
I work full time so really don't want to give up my weekends and I think my son needs weekends with me too. I may just mention to his dad again that he could come over more often if he'd like but I've mentioned this several times already. I do leave the house so he gets allone time too. The set up is pretty good so my question is more about how explaining to my son why we don't live together and how he can come to terms with this.

Thanks though for your tips and time to post.

LadyMayBelle

Sound great OP. I meant to add (and I think youre already doing this) to use and opportunity your son gives you to talk about things; often as parents we miss those hints and opportunities and tried broach the topic on our terms and using our words; it could be in the bath, or the car that he might pipe up with a question..run with it and help him explore his understanding.
Sounds like things are going well, good luck.