Who is being unreasonable here?

LegacyUser

Hi guys, some views would be a great help.

So first thing, a bit of background is needed...

My and my boyfriend / ex-boyfriend had been with each other 3 and a half years when I had to move away from where we were living, not together but close (seeing each other most days).
We decided we would break up when I left because of the distance mostly, and because neither of us were really settled in our lives at this point, he didnt know what he was going to be doing etc, but we decided we would remain really close, and neither of us really wanted to break up at all, it was mostly circumstances that caused it. We were still with each other until the day I left. We both said we didnt want to be with other people and he in particular said
he would be getting with any other girls he really just wanted to be on his own.

I was moving to do a really good course in Dublin and could not get work where I was, so this is the reason for the move, just in case anyone wonders.

Well, after I left we stayed in close contact, talking every day, sometimes multiple times a day, on the phone, emails, all the same "I love you's" etc. It was like we hadnt broken up at all.
So after about a month and a half I visited him and it was seeming as though we were still an item in some part, or at least we were going to see each other and probably would be after the weekend. So I get to his place and its all hugs and cuddles etc and after a few hours I use the loo. I see a box of condoms in the bathroom, and used condom wrappers in the toilet bin which has no lid and is cloudy perspex in colour, the wrappers were metallic red and were literally starting at me as soon as I walked in the door. The box of them was beside his bathroom bag!
So I felt a little weird but thought no, they must be his housemates, except that I knew his housemate had his own ensuite bathtroom but he didnt, so why would his housemate put his condoms and used wrappers in the other bathroom?
Anyway, I just outright asked my boyfriend / ex boyfriend (its uncertain at the moment), ok I saw some stuff in the bathroom, are they yours, are you seeing someone?
He denied it was his and said it was his housemate who had been sleeping with x,y,z.
I believed him.
Then later on I went into his room and to my shock saw more, in his own bedroom bin....
Bear in mind I did not root! The bin was next to the bed/locker and has again no lid, just the exact same bin as the bathroom had! I saw a used wrapper and condom!
So I went back out and said "ehhh, I doubt your flatmate put his rubbish in your room, whats going on? So he fessed up and said he had slept with someone else, and been with her a couple nights etc.
Of course I was upset and shocked and felt pretty sick, as he had been saying all along that that was not at all on his agenda and telling me every day how much he loved me etc etc.
During the weekend we talked about it and he said he barely had sex with her once because he couldnt (he has some performance issues), and that he felt bad about it, but it barely happened at all.
Anyway, I got over it and had a nice couple days or so with him.
THEN I was having a shower one day and wanted to shave my legs. I hadnt brought my razor with me, so I opened his bathroom bag to see if he had any disposables etc that I could use and I found Viagra tablets in there!!! 7 were used. There were 3 packets in total, and to top it off, they were prescribed to him only 10 days after I left a month before that.
Again, I was shocked!! I felt sick. All the time he was telling me he didnt want to be with other women and he was clearly planning on sleeping with people if he was ordering these tablets to help his performance so soon after I left.
Bear in mind also that we struggled with a pretty poor sex life. He never got the tablets when he was with me. That hurt too.
Again, he talked me round and I let it go. We stayed seeing each other, and I felt fine about it all eventually, after all, we were technically single so he was free to do as he wanted during that time, and I loved him so I did my best to forget about it all.
But now, recently, he is saying again that he has no real plans to settle down with me, that he doesnt really want or need a relationship that much, that he'd be happy enough alone etc.
Now I'm 31, and he's 30, so I'm at the stage in my life where I'm thinking about my future and wanting to have some sort of plan, I dont want to just be dating and messing around, I'd like something more permanent and settled. So I thought about it and asked him how he's feel if I dated other people and we just remained friends, as he knows that I want to settle down and he says he's not thinking about doing that with me.
He said yeah fine, whatever you want I'm ok with, if you're happy I'm happy.
I said ok cool, and I also wished him luck with other girls he might date.
He then said (this is over texts) that he doesnt want to and wont be dating other girls, that he loves me.
And I said yeah well I dont really believe that, as you said the very same before and you did. I wasnt mad, I just pointed out the fact and said I'm sorry but you did say that before and it wasnt what happened.
And he got really thick with me and said he didnt need this, that I was being unreal, and I was unbelievable, that he was hurt I could say that, and please not to say things like that to him! I just said look, I'm not mad, I'm just pointing out the facts here. I mean I was upset and hurt too, you did do those things, it did happen, I'm just pointing out that you did say those exact things to me the last time and then I discovered that it wasnt the truth.
He is still mad at me!
He thinks I am being mean and unreasonable, that he doesnt need this in his life, me saying he hurt me over those things, and feels that its unreal of me to mention it.
I feel upset that he would say the same things again, that he knows hurt me in the past, the exact same words he used last time about wanting no other girls, and not being with anyone else, and loving me.
For me, it just made me feel a little angry. I didnt ask him to say that, or ask that of him, and it just reminded me of the last time he said those things when I did believe him and then got hurt when I found out what he was really up to.
Btw, I didnt even kiss another guy since I started going out with him 4 years ago now. I really believed he was also too in love with me after I left to date anyone else.
Thats why I was so hurt, because I believed what he said and then stumbled upon the horrible evidence that I was wrong.

So basically. He is mad at me for saying I didnt believe he wouldnt be with other girls this time, and says he doesnt need this, ie: me saying that well you did it before so....
And I feel like rather than say "I dont need this" he should just say ok fair point, lets just not say things like that to each other any more because it hurts when its not followed through on (not that id ever ask that of him, he just came out and said it.)

Who is being unreasonable, and am I in the wrong. Should I apologise to him for saying I didnt believe him this time??? Thanks.

Strawberry Fields

This reminds me of the episode of friends where Ross didn't cheat on Rachel because technically they were on a break. I'm not trying to make light of your situation but if I was you I'd run a million miles. It's like you haven't accepted yet the romance is over because your still friends.

LegacyUser

Thanks for reply. Its more that he behaves like the romance is not yet over and thats why at first I didnt believe the condoms were even his and was shocked when I found out they were!
It was me who really made the decision that it would be better to break up when I moved, or at least be somewhat on a break until we knew what he was going to do next and until I saw how things went after the 6 month course etc., and I never asked him to tell me he wouldnt be with other women, he just kept saying it any time I metioned anything about if either of us meets anyone else, he would say no way, I dont want to, you can if you wont but its not for me at all, I want to be alone etc...
I genuinely believed him. And after I was gone would tell me on the phone every day that he loved me, that he missed me so much etc that I began to feel like i handnt really left or we hadnt really broken up at all...
So when I went to visit it was just a feeling that we were getting back together and I was going there to rekindle everything.
My issue is less what he did when we were broke up, and more so the lies about it. First that he never told me, then when I asked him he lied to my face and blamed his best mate who is his flatmate even saying it was x,y,z (a girl we knew).
And more so, that he kept on telling me and acting like he had zero interest in anyone else but me all the while had ordered Viagra from the net and been dating another girl at the first chance he got... And at that, was in bed sleeping with the first girl he met!!
I couldnt even bring myself to kiss another girl, it was only a month and a half, and we were talking and saying I love you, I miss you every day during that time!!

The issue of this thread is just that any time I express that I feel bad about him lying to me like he did, or say well you did lie before so I cant really accept that, he gets like a hurt child telling me he cant handle this, and he doesnt need this from me, and turns his phone off... And I just think, ok, basically he's upset, because he upset me??
How does that make sense... Shouldnt it be me thats upset and not him?
Its like this a lot with him though, if I'm upset about something, he always turns it on him and I end up having to do something to "un-upset" him, if you know what I mean.
He cant even handle me saying to him, that what he did upset me.
He reacts with "It really upsets me you saying this to me, Im so hurt, I cant handle this, I dont need this, I need space, goodbye" I dont need this is his favourite.
And sometimes I accept that, but other times I think, hang on, he's upset, because I told him that *im* upset??? He ends up more upset than me and all I'd have done is say
"look, I'm upset about you doing that".
Shouldnt a responsible person say to themselves, ah yeah well she kinda has a reason to be upset, and just say yeah ok fair point, not "Oh god, you hurt me so much, how can you hurt me like this by being hurt yourself"... it just seems a bit weird to me.
If it was me Id take responsibility and just understand where they were coming from, not react with "I dont need this!!".

I dont know, sometimes I'm not sure who should be more upset, haha. God this thread is lame, sorry people!!!!

CaraMay

Run like the wind - he is a total messer and obviously is willing to spin any line to keep you on the hook.... dont waste any more time with him.

Humria

You are either together or you are not. No good can come of the middle-ground the two of you have created. You are not in a relationship with him so being overly friendly and saying "I love you" constantly is only is drawing out the inevitable pain of the breakup. You have already had a taste of this and if you continue in this limbo, it's guaranteed you'll be hurt again in future. Realistically you have two choices, you get back together or you make a proper break of it. Given that he is unwilling to commit to you, I think you need to cut contact with him and start focusing on a life without him in it.

RoscommonTom

Run away, he's cheating on you, hes too thick to hide the evidense and he cant even get it up, theres plenty of other fellas out there.

gozunda

Best thing is to forget it and get on with your own life

Quite serious emotional blackmail on his part imo

Leave him to his own devices - he seriously needs to grow up and stop behaving like a child

Big Bag of Chips

So.... He upset you by telling you repeatedly that he wouldn't see anyone else, but then he did.

Then when you say this to him (just stating it how it is) you upset him and he goes in a sulk because he "doesn't need this".

So.... it's ok for you to be upset by something, but not ok for him to be upset?

It's time to cut your losses. He's not going to commit to you, he has told you. He wants to enjoy the single life (nothing wrong with that) but he wants to keep you standing in the sidelines (that is wrong).

Maybe down the line you can be friends, but at the moment you can't be. Because it is confusing the situation. You're either together, in a long distance relationship, or you're broken up. If you've broken up then you shouldn't be in regular contact saying "I love you", because you are no longer a couple and friends don't regularly profess their love for each other in that way.

I think you need to stop contact, at least for a while. He doesn't want to be your longterm boyfriend. He has said this. So continuing on as you both are isn't fair on either of you.

LittleBook

perspective_help_views wrote: »

The issue of this thread is just that any time I express that I feel bad about him lying to me like he did, or say well you did lie before so I cant really accept that, he gets like a hurt child telling me he cant handle this, and he doesnt need this from me, and turns his phone off... And I just think, ok, basically he's upset, because he upset me??
How does that make sense... Shouldnt it be me thats upset and not him?

Its like this a lot with him though, if I'm upset about something, he always turns it on him and I end up having to do something to "un-upset" him, if you know what I mean.

He cant even handle me saying to him, that what he did upset me.
He reacts with "It really upsets me you saying this to me, Im so hurt, I cant handle this, I dont need this, I need space, goodbye" I dont need this is his favourite.
And sometimes I accept that, but other times I think, hang on, he's upset, because I told him that *im* upset??? He ends up more upset than me and all I'd have done is say "look, I'm upset about you doing that".
Shouldnt a responsible person say to themselves, ah yeah well she kinda has a reason to be upset, and just say yeah ok fair point, not "Oh god, you hurt me so much, how can you hurt me like this by being hurt yourself"...

To be honest, even apart from the sleeping with someone else issue, your relationship has/had a big problem. You are/were with someone who cannot tolerate criticism and has/had no respect for your feelings.

I know because I had a boyfriend like that. If I dared to say I was upset about something or pull him up on something he'd done to upset me, he completely turned it around and made it all about him ... how could I be so mean to say such a thing? Didn't I know I was hurting him?!

It got to the stage where I stopped telling him if I had a problem or disagreed with something he'd done as it just wasn't worth the hassle and I invariably ended up getting an earful for opening my mouth. Needless to say this didn't last much longer.

You are in a position now where you can stay away from him and he's provided both of you with the perfect excuse to end it, which is exactly what I would do.

Merkin

You need to make a clean break of it. To all intents and purposes you had broken up so sending a plethora of daily texts telling each other you love one another is not particularly helpful. You both need to move on and then who you both sleep with is entirely your own business.

shalalala

I don't know why you want to be with this person. He basically cheated on you. Lied to you about it. And then told you he doesn't want a girlfiend and doesn't see a future with you. Cut and run if I were you OP. I don't think you will ever change his mind and I don't think that you will ever forgive him. And you shouldn't have to.