(MOD note P#9)What do men mean when they say they need more communication during sex?

another question

Ok, so this has come up alot and I was talking about this to a few girls yesterday and we all realised that none of us fully understand what men mean when they say they want more communication during sex.

One girl said she moans and makes what she considers is enough noise during sex but doesn't want to distract her partner either by making too much noise. They then had a falling out and he said to her that she doesn't 'communicate enough' with him and that he feels no connection with her and that she could be anyone. She is really hurt.

The rest of us couldn't really offer her much advice and thus the conversation ensued. I had read up on articles about communication during sex before but it was all about saying what you like etc but are you just not going to be saying the same things once and then if the problem is sorted then whats left to say??

She presumed that he meant for her to talk dirty but he said thats not what he wanted, that he wanted communication that made it feel he was making love to her so that there was a connection between them. So basically, can any of ye men out there explain to us what ye mean...in simple, straightforward and honest terms.

Basically, what are examples of communication during sex that would heighten an intimate and closer connection between two people because when I hear the term 'communication' I too would be guilty of think he meant dirty talk really.

Fire away...:P

leonidas83

another question wrote: »

Ok, so this has come up alot and I was talking about this to a few girls yesterday and we all realised that none of us fully understand what men mean when they say they want more communication during sex.

One girl said she moans and makes what she considers is enough noise during sex but doesn't want to distract her partner either by making too much noise. They then had a falling out and he said to her that she doesn't 'communicate enough' with him and that he feels no connection with her and that she could be anyone. She is really hurt.

The rest of us couldn't really offer her much advice and thus the conversation ensued. I had read up on articles about communication during sex before but it was all about saying what you like etc but are you just not going to be saying the same things once and then if the problem is sorted then whats left to say??

She presumed that he meant for her to talk dirty but he said thats not what he wanted, that he wanted communication that made it feel he was making love to her so that there was a connection between them. So basically, can any of ye men out there explain to us what ye mean...in simple, straightforward and honest terms.

Basically, what are examples of communication during sex that would heighten an intimate and closer connection between two people because when I hear the term 'communication' I too would be guilty of think he meant dirty talk really.

Fire away...:P

Your friends boyfriend sounds like a tosser tbh who's using stupid small trivial things to have a go at his girlfriend about or trying to break up with her. Either way its a pretty scummy thing to give out about.

Some girls are more communicative, some arent, its not a big deal either way if you like the person.

another question

leonidas83 wrote: »

Your friends boyfriend sounds like a tosser tbh who's using stupid small trivial things to have a go at his girlfriend about or trying to break up with her. Either way its a pretty scummy thing to give out about.

Some girls are more communicative, some arent, its not a big deal either way if you like the person.

He always seemed like a niced guy but I don't like seeing her so upset about this. Someone else couldn't understand why she was so upset but I think it's because she didn't think there was a problem to begin with. She also says that he's not really into anything kinky and that he is always focused on her and making it go for her and that he doesn't ask her for anything in return but that is she communicated more with him he would feel a better connection with her, apparently she's too silent. She completely disagrees and now is at a complete loss.

coffee_cake

Maybe he means more like "I like it when you do that" kind of stuff
maybe he means she might as well be getting off on her own because there isn't much eye contact or acknowledgement of him

riveratom

It sounds like it's not really about the issue you describe, but more about something bigger - and that this is being singled out as a reflection of the bigger problem.

another question

bluewolf wrote: »

Maybe he means more like "I like it when you do that" kind of stuff
maybe he means she might as well be getting off on her own because there isn't much eye contact or acknowledgement of him

Funny you mention eye contact, she said she finds really uncomfortable when he looks at her...I even thought that was a bit odd, surely she shouldn't be that uncomfortable that she can't look at him.

coffee_cake

another question wrote: »

Funny you mention eye contact, she said she finds really uncomfortable when he looks at her...I even thought that was a bit odd, surely she shouldn't be that uncomfortable that she can't look at him.

There you go, maybe he feels like he's just a dildo and she's doing it on her own
I think it's straightforward enough to know if there's a connection or not, really, and it sounds like he doesn't like not having one
If she's worried about her noise levels and how to keep them apt for her partner (beyond 'better keep it down or the neighbours will knock') she might have issues with really being comfortable with the whole thing and relaxing properly

Jezek

This seems obvious to me:

1. Eye contact - look'em straight in the eye
2. Confirm that what they are doing pleases you: ' don't stop': 'I love it when you do that' etc.
3.Compliment your partner: (slightly different than 2.) i.e. give attention to a particular bit (not necessarily THAT 'bit' ) and then say 'I love your shoulders/stomach/lips. etc
4. Suggest things that you/him/both of you might like 'would you like it if I went on top'
5.General condescension: make approval noises, say generally positive things

etc, etc..the list goes on and on. basically she needs to make it clear that the sex is good for her, that she wants it to be good or him, and that it is good not only because its sex but because its sex between those two particular people and that the history and emotions they share just make the sex 100x better.

D'Agger

Mod Note:

Smash I've deleted your post because it's not constructive - this thread has the potential to be derailed easily but at the same time could lead to a good conversation regarding partner communication during sex so I'll leave it open but if there's more smart-ass responses infractions will be doled out and the thread will be wrapped up

Jezek

another question wrote: »

Funny you mention eye contact, she said she finds really uncomfortable when he looks at her...I even thought that was a bit odd, surely she shouldn't be that uncomfortable that she can't look at him.

If she can't look at her bf during sex there seems to be an underlying problem there - as to what, I wouldn't guess.

another question

bluewolf wrote: »

There you go, maybe he feels like he's just a dildo and she's doing it on her own
I think it's straightforward enough to know if there's a connection or not, really, and it sounds like he doesn't like not having one
If she's worried about her noise levels and how to keep them apt for her partner (beyond 'better keep it down or the neighbours will knock') she might have issues with really being comfortable with the whole thing and relaxing properly

In general though she would consider herself not to be much a communicate she said she finds it hard to start conversations. She is alright in a group environment but I even find one on one she is hard work.

I still don't know what I should advice I should be giving her, she is young and I think isn't really mature enough for all of this yet but at the same time he is a nice guy and a feel a bit sorry for him too. What should I tell her to do, in terms of relaxing during sex? eye contact, tell him what she likes, anything else...but I don't want her to feel she is being false either because that is going to work for her or him/

coffee_cake

You shouldn't be telling her to do anything specific except sit down with her partner and talk about it. This isn't something that's going to be solved by putting on an act during sex, that will make it worse, and it seems to be an underlying issue.
If she has general communication issues then he knows this, and if she has any interest in being with him, she's going to have to open up in general. Or he's going to have to decide can he live with it, but it doesn't seem that way.

Let her sit down and think about how she feels even during sex, and talk to him about it. I'd bet he got frustrated because she shut down when he was trying to explain all this to her. Not deliberately, but because you say she's bad at it in general.

What Jez said is also good though

Jezek

I think that your advice (if solicited) should be regarding communication in general, and not just during sex. The things I highlighted above still apply in a general sense.

Looking into someone's eyes is just a sign of mutual trust and unguarded-ness. Should exist in sex and should exist generally.
Giving people feedback is very important, telling them what you like about them, what you like about the relationship can only help,in the bedroom and outside it.
Basically sounds like the guy needs to feel a connexion to the girl, which is achievable by opening up , so an opening up outside the bedroom will surely lead to an opening up during sex. My advice would be to sit down and talk about openness, she can re-assure him about what she feels and how she feels during sex, and then she can try applying a more open communication style during sex.

I also wanna stress that this is not about fabricating anything. If she likes this guy then there are parts of sex / his body that she enjoys that she can be more vocal about.

another question

Jezek wrote: »

I think that your advice (if solicited) should be regarding communication in general, and not just during sex. The things I highlighted above still apply in a general sense.

Looking into someone's eyes is just a sign of mutual trust and unguarded-ness. Should exist in sex and should exist generally.
Giving people feedback is very important, telling them what you like about them, what you like about the relationship can only help,in the bedroom and outside it.
Basically sounds like the guy needs to feel a connexion to the girl, which is achievable by opening up , so an opening up outside the bedroom will surely lead to an opening up during sex. My advice would be to sit down and talk about openness, she can re-assure him about what she feels and how she feels during sex, and then she can try applying a more open communication style during sex.

I also wanna stress that this is not about fabricating anything. If she likes this guy then there are parts of sex / his body that she enjoys that she can be more vocal about.

Excellent answer, openness to definitely a solution here. Meeting her for lunch tomorrow so hopefully I will get a chance to bring it up with her as she will have probably completely shut down on the subject by then. She is the type that almost regrets confinding in people when she has a problem, she never comes back afterwards and says if she got such a thing sorted, as the other person you always have to bring things up again with her afterwards. I am beginning to realise his frustation now.

another question

Jezek wrote: »

This seems obvious to me:

1. Eye contact - look'em straight in the eye
2. Confirm that what they are doing pleases you: ' don't stop': 'I love it when you do that' etc.
3.Compliment your partner: (slightly different than 2.) i.e. give attention to a particular bit (not necessarily THAT 'bit' ) and then say 'I love your shoulders/stomach/lips. etc
4. Suggest things that you/him/both of you might like 'would you like it if I went on top'
5.General condescension: make approval noises, say generally positive things

etc, etc..the list goes on and on. basically she needs to make it clear that the sex is good for her, that she wants it to be good or him, and that it is good not only because its sex but because its sex between those two particular people and that the history and emotions they share just make the sex 100x better.

Missed this answer, excellent answer, hope I remember all these points...thanks again

Zombrex

another question wrote: »

Funny you mention eye contact, she said she finds really uncomfortable when he looks at her...I even thought that was a bit odd, surely she shouldn't be that uncomfortable that she can't look at him.

I would guess from that that there is an intimacy issue between them that her boyfriend is trying to communicate to her through complaining that they don't communicate (if that makes sense).

I wouldn't assume that he himself knows exactly what he is complaining about, or exactly what he wants her to do. I think giving instructions to your partner like that is counter productive. He probably feels that there is something quite wrong even if he can't put his finger on it. If she is very uncomfortable with him during sex then that is going to be a significant downer.

kayos

Tell your friend to get a tantra book or video. While some would think this is along the lines of the karma sutra i.e. 101 positions. Its not its about making a connection and communication.

Eye contact, guidance, reassurance etc all go to show that someone is present and in the moment.

mitosis

Jezek wrote: »

If she can't look at her bf during sex there seems to be an underlying problem there - as to what, I wouldn't guess.

She's not an owl?

Communication is more than just verbal. Instead of just moaning satisfaction, there ought to be some manual guidance, along with slower/faster/sideways etc. Deffo agree with Jezek, failure to engage suggests detachment or shame.

I like communication, to be encouraged, demanded of etc. "More", "Faster", etc hands on comms are also good.

floggg

another question wrote: »

He always seemed like a niced guy but I don't like seeing her so upset about this. Someone else couldn't understand why she was so upset but I think it's because she didn't think there was a problem to begin with. She also says that he's not really into anything kinky and that he is always focused on her and making it go for her and that he doesn't ask her for anything in return but that is she communicated more with him he would feel a better connection with her, apparently she's too silent. She completely disagrees and now is at a complete loss.

If I had to guess I'd say he's looking for reassurances from her that he's making her happy and he wants to be made feel like a stud.

Not in a vain way, more insecurity on his part.

Edit - actually after reading the subsequent posts what jezek said probably covers it better.

Zombrex

mitosis wrote: »

She's not an owl?

Communication is more than just verbal. Instead of just moaning satisfaction, there ought to be some manual guidance, along with slower/faster/sideways etc. Deffo agree with Jezek, failure to engage suggests detachment or shame.

I like communication, to be encouraged, demanded of etc. "More", "Faster", etc hands on comms are also good.

I would guess lack of communication is a symptom rather than the route cause, which seems to be nerves and her being uncomfortable/embarrassed during sex.

There is very little point in her simply faking communication, she needs to get to the point where it comes naturally.

Eye contact during sex is not a pre-requisite or requirement. Sometimes it happens sometimes it does not. Your friend should not feel it _has_ to happen every time or she will end up staring at his eyes like some kind of manic the whole time which will be just freaky for all involved.

However the fact she feels _uncomfortable_ if and when it does happen is a warning sign that people in the thread have picked up on already. It indicates some under lying issue there. What that issue is - intimacy, shyness, embarrasment, communication - we can only guess at here on the thread without knowing her but certainly engaging with her on a level of possible communication problems is a good place to start.

As to the OP title I think it would be a mistake to ask the general question about when "men mean" when they say "communication during sex". I do not think there is a definitive answer to that at all and what "men mean" by it will be as individual as they are.

For _me_ at least communication is the crux and foundation of our entire relationship at the moment and without it I think we would have fallen apart a long time ago. I mean that in and out of sex too - the entire relationship. Our relationship is massively complex compared to the "norm" as it is already - I firmly believe without the level of constant and ongoing communication we maintain it would have collapsed a long time ago.

What _this_ guy means by communication could mean anything during sex though. It could be to communicate what she enjoys in general - what she is enjoying in the moment - what she wants in the moment - or just about anything else. Does she want to lie in one position and proceed until it is all finished - or is he waiting for her to indicate a change of motion - rhythm - position - acts or anything else? There is any number of things he could mean or might not mean by this and I fear rather than tell you what we like ourselves in bed we can offer no real advice outside of guesswork as to what _he_ migth have meant.

another question

Deleted User wrote: »

Eye contact during sex is not a pre-requisite or requirement. Sometimes it happens sometimes it does not. Your friend should not feel it _has_ to happen every time or she will end up staring at his eyes like some kind of manic the whole time which will be just freaky for all involved.

However the fact she feels _uncomfortable_ if and when it does happen is a warning sign that people in the thread have picked up on already. It indicates some under lying issue there. What that issue is - intimacy, shyness, embarrasment, communication - we can only guess at here on the thread without knowing her but certainly engaging with her on a level of possible communication problems is a good place to start.

As to the OP title I think it would be a mistake to ask the general question about when "men mean" when they say "communication during sex". I do not think there is a definitive answer to that at all and what "men mean" by it will be as individual as they are.

For _me_ at least communication is the crux and foundation of our entire relationship at the moment and without it I think we would have fallen apart a long time ago. I mean that in and out of sex too - the entire relationship. Our relationship is massively complex compared to the "norm" as it is already - I firmly believe without the level of constant and ongoing communication we maintain it would have collapsed a long time ago.

What _this_ guy means by communication could mean anything during sex though. It could be to communicate what she enjoys in general - what she is enjoying in the moment - what she wants in the moment - or just about anything else. Does she want to lie in one position and proceed until it is all finished - or is he waiting for her to indicate a change of motion - rhythm - position - acts or anything else? There is any number of things he could mean or might not mean by this and I fear rather than tell you what we like ourselves in bed we can offer no real advice outside of guesswork as to what _he_ migth have meant.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. The first part made me laugh

Luca Brasi

another question wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to comment. The first part made me laugh

Of course communication is difficult in certain circumstances e.g if you have your mouth full or are on your belly. Maybe you will have to get him to be more specific

FewFew

They should really talk about it before getting near the bedroom. If he says she doesn't communicate, she should probably ask exactly what he means (in an inquisitive rather than accusative kinda tone.) Trying to talk about it in bed may bring along all sorts of baggage like body issues, shyness, self-esteem etc. etc. so if they can chat about it, maybe on the sofa with some wine while there's a ****e movie on in the background, well, game on.

As has been said, he's probably just a bit insecure and looking for some feedback. Not in a "oh my god you're amazing!" way, but general chat of "I really like when you do... " or perhaps some "I like when you do X, but maybe you could try this way too..."

Maybe he wants her to communicate, because really there's something he wants to talk about but he's afraid to bring it up. Maybe there's something he's in to but has never had the opportunity (or balls) to bring up.

another question

Thanks again for all the extra answers, I jotted down as much of it as I could so that I could re-read it before I met her on Friday. As I suspected so never broached the subject at all. I did eventually get the opportunity to ask by saying 'and anyway, how are you feeling today, you were a bit upset the last day'. She looked like she wanted to die but did say they just didn't mention it between them after that but that they hadn't slept together either and that she was dreading it now.

I told her that is absolutely ridiculous and that they NEED to talk and not to be putting it off. I did as many of ye suggested and offered kind of impartial advice as opposed to telling her what to do and I advised her to sit down and talk about it well away from the bedroom.

She went on to say she didn't know where to start and would prefer to let him bring it up. I was getting a bit irritated at this stage and said as calmly as possible that he shouldn't have to bring it up again, he did already and now he'w waiting for her to say something after she has had some time to think. I basically told her that I thought it was unfair of her to not mention it and that it would appear to him that she didn't care about what he had to say or had no interest in fixing a problem that he highlighted in their relationship. At this stage she started getting a bit teary and kept saying that she didn't know what to say to him or how to bring it up. I said '<name> that's easy, just start by saying 'you know how we were talking the last day about how etc etc' and then I said 'you don't need to plan the entire conversation, just start it and let it happen from there'. That was it basically and that was on Friday, I haven't heard anything back. I did think that I was going to get an opportunity to tell her things about eye contact etc but we never got that far, so was so distracted about how she was going to start a conversation that I don't think she has even really given the problem any serious thought or thoughts on how to fix it.

I hope I did ok with her but you guys did help alot thanks. Hopefully I will have some sort of positive update in a couple of days/weeks...