Relationship before coming out?

LegacyUser

This may seem like a silly question sorry, was wondering if it's possible to start a same sex relationship without actually coming out? I don't want to come out unless I have been in a relationship as I want to be sure..I know gay people which I fancy but don't want to come out..I know this is a weird post sorryy i'm just curious to know.

dreamer_ire

Of course you can, some people never come out. Not coming out may effect your choice of partner however. I'd say many, maybe even most, people don't come out until they have had their first relationship/encounter, or at least not "totally" out.

baby and crumble

I didn't come out to my parents until I was in a relationship. You can do whatever you like, it's your life and your relationship.

Davyhal

For my first relationship, I was not out, and he was. It failed very quickly though as I was so paranoid every time he met any of my friends that were not aware. When he came to my 21st I was sh*tting it all night! When I look back, it was tough, and most certainly not fair on him. Personally I don't think I would be able to date a guy still in the closet.

I came out to my friends when I was in university, but I only came out to my parents this time last year, and the reason why was because I had been in a relationship for the previous 2 months and I wanted it to be out in the open to make sure it worked! (In a completely unrelated fight we, ended up breaking up the next day! Sickened! But it was out there then, which is a good thing I guess)

LegacyUser

Hey thanks for the replies I understand where you're coming from, I think if I did start a relationship in the closet though I wouldn't waste too much time on coming out (atleast to my friends anyway) as I agree it isn't fair on whoever I would be with.. having said that would an openly gay person ever consider making a move on someone who is "straight" as far as they know? Coz I'm scared that I could flirt to my heart's content but get nowhere if they don't know i'm interested..

mnlad

im in a relationship now coming up on 5 months, were both not out, he is out to two of his mates, i told my mum about 6 years ago and has never been brought up since weither or not she has accepted it or thinks it was a phase i dont know? i have no plans to resurrect that conversation, it can be hard mentally though because id like to say oh hey going to johns house see ya later, or me and john going away next wknd etc... its hard lying all the time and watching your back although i dont care if someone asked even my parents i would tell them

ongarboy

Shuper wrote: »

This may seem like a silly question sorry, was wondering if it's possible to start a same sex relationship without actually coming out? I don't want to come out unless I have been in a relationship as I want to be sure..I know gay people which I fancy but don't want to come out..I know this is a weird post sorryy i'm just curious to know.

It sounds to me that perhaps you are uncertain of your sexuality and want a relationship to confirm that? (when you state that you want to be sure) Personally, I'd rather be certain of my sexuality before forming relationships (I wouldn't feel great telling someone who was committed to me that after eg 6 months, I'd rather swing back to the other side).

It is possible to start or have a relationship while still being in the closet. As you can see from the posts above, sometimes it causes a problem when one partner is out and one isn't. Some relationships can survive that, others can't, it depends on what the partners are prepared to put up with or accept. Indeed, many thriving relationships exist with both partners in the closet.

Personally, I think someone should only come out when they are ready or comfortable to do so. I would be wary of imposing a condition of having to be in a relationship to justify or be the only/primary reason to prompt or even force the coming out though. There are many people, through various circumstances, who may not be in relationships either now or for years to come. It would be unfortunate imo that they would feel they couldn't, shouldn't or wouldn't tell those they'd like to inform that they were gay just because they were single.