Feel sad

LegacyUser

I broke up 4 months ago with my husband of 23 yrs as things just faded out as can happen,I never cheated on him or him on me but just feel I need more in my life.This is not something I did on a whim it is something that has been on my mind foe over 5 years. He was good husband and I think I was good wife but the road has no more tarmac on it.
We have 4 kids ranging from 15 - 21 and they have not taken it great to tell the truth but hopefully with time they will learn to accept it.
He had always worked but last 18 months he has be on social so has spent alot more time at home with the kids and seems to be a natural at home keeping house and helping with homework,We have 2 houses in the area we live in and rent one which he will be moving into just after Xmas as we both want to be with kids at Xmas(we sleep in different rooms). The question has come up to where the kids will live from my husband and flanked by the 2 kids who live at home with us at the moment. I just thought the kids would naturally live with me as there Mother and also they love their home but my hubby who will only talk to me to discuss family and money matters says it is up to the kids as they grown up enough to decide.Now the issue is they both prefer to live with him over me as he has always been more easy going with them and they do the same sports at same club so have alot in common much more than I have with them as I not into sports like them, I am totally confused as I had not planned to live on my own and even suggested they live one week with me and one with him but they said no as they need routine etc. I feel Ex is playing with their minds as they mostly sided with him during our marriage. He is stubborn and has left it up to the kids as he knows they want to live with him,they said they will still see me all the time etc. Also he has been cold to my family since we broke up and says they are no longer part of his life which my parents are finding hard to take as they love him and always see him.He says he will have no reason to drop in on them anymore as he used to do every week. I dont know what to do as I know he is hurting and not a bad man but the thought he wont talk to me again ever makes me feel so sad and I know he wont as things I seen through the years make that case.Please give advice as if I knew this would happen I am not sure I would have done this whole thing.

Neyite

Op, you have had 5 years to adjust to the idea of ending the marriage, but your husband, children and your parents have had only 4 months. I imagine its still very raw and confusing to them. The children who are over 18 can live where they like, but you may need to work out a schedule for the ones under 18.

I think you and your husband would benefit from mediation. I think you need a third party to help guide you to compromise on family issues after the separation.

With regard to him not visiting your parents, well, it sounds like hurt to me - he is hurting, and knows that by hurting them, it will make you sad. He may genuinely feel that they are on your side of things.

Its early days, so its bound to be really hard for you all. There is a Separation & Divorce that you may find helpful to you, however read the charter first because its my understanding that advise cannot be offered in certain areas -eg legally.

omahaid

I suppose as regards the kids living at home you say that he

Wont talk again wrote:

has spent alot more time at home with the kids and seems to be a natural at home keeping house and helping with homework

And

Wont talk again wrote:

they do the same sports at same club so have alot in common much more than I have with them as I not into sports like them

If you want the best for your children then maybe consider that they are better off living with your husband. I'm not sure that the automatic assumption that they would naturally live with you just because you are their mother should be true. And, as a father myself, I too would be a bit stubborn as well about my kids leaving me.

rainbowtrout

I'm sure your situation isn't easy OP, but you come across as very selfish. As one of the other posts said, you've had 5 years to think this through, your family have only had the last 4 months.

You hadn't planned on living on your own, but you didn't seem to give any consideration as to what your children might want, or what might be best for them. Your youngest is 15 and presumably the other child living at home is 16 or 17. They are old enough to know who they want to live with - and they told you themselves they need routine, it's a bit unfair to say that you think your ex is playing with their minds. You want them to alternate between houses each week, hardly the most settled situation for teenagers, who I assume at least one of which is doing exams this year based on their ages.

You are also expecting your husband to continue with his life as if he was still married to you - you expect him to call in on your parents, and communicate with you. He is making the best of his situation, and is choosing to move on as best he can, you can't have your cake and eat it, if you want a separation you have to accept the consequences of that separation which is that your husband does not see himself as part of your family any longer. This is probably his way of coping with the situation before him. If you no longer wish to be married to this man, you can't expect him to behave as if you still are.

Little Acorn

Hi Op,

I think it was a massively brave step to end a relationship after 23 years because you weren't happy anymore. SO many people would never ever have the courage to do that, and would just "settle" for the stability they had grown accustomed to.

However I do have to ask something. You said you had been thinking about the split for 5 years. That is also a long time to contemplate this.
Did you tell him how you were feeling in these 5 years? Did you try marriage counselling in these 5 years? If it was that maybe you felt the spark was gone, did you mutually try to do things to get that spark back?
You also mention that he has been on social welfare for the last 18 months - is it this/financial troubles that has cemented the idea for the split in your head? If so, would it be possible that some talking to each other honestly or counselling about financial arguments might help?
Basically you said, "just feel I need more in my life", so I'm just wondering if you tried everything possible to achieve whatever that "more" is?
If it's a case of just not being in love anymore and there's nothing that can change that, then again I would commend you for your bravery in admitting this.

I can understand that you are heartbroken that your children will not be living with you anymore, but I'm sure you understand that your husband and children are also heartbroken over this whole situation. Just because you are their mum does not mean that they should "naturally" live with you. (I hate that prevailing idea in society.)

Your (or your husband's) feelings/wishes regarding where they live are not the priority here though.
The children have made their decision and you have to respect that. It doesn't mean they don't love you. I imagine they may have agonised about telling you their decision for fear of hurting you, so don't make it anymore difficult for them or make them feel guilty about it.
They said that they will still see you all the time, so make sure to keep that contact up. Even if you are heartbroken about this, I think you should try your best to appear ok with the kids decision. Let them know that although you would love to have them live with you that you hold nothing against them for their decision, that you will always love them, and that the door is always open for them to return if they wish without judgement. And again I would stress to make an effort to keep contact as much as you possibly can.

I do feel sympathy for your upset over this, but I also feel very sorry for your husband too. I think ideally though there should be more of an effort on his part to be on at least somewhat friendly terms with you. It must be an extremely hostile environment if he is completely refusing to speak to you apart from money/family matters for the last 4 months. I feel most sorry for the kids who are caught between this. I know it's probably easier said than done, and I can completely understand that his hurt feelings are making him respond like this, but I would hope that maybe a few more months down the line that maybe ye will be on less hostile terms purely for the kids sake. No kids should feel like their parents can't be in the same room together or will never speak to each other again.

It will probably understandably take a lot of time though, so you will have to give your husband that time to adjust to this before he can go back to friendlier terms with you. I hope that things improve and work out for you, your husband and kids in the future.

MissFlitworth

When you break up with someone, no matter how long or short your relationship is, you lose the right to ask them to behave the way you'd like them to. Effectively your husband is no longer your husband and he no longer has to take how you feel into account when he decides how he'll live his life. It's not unreasonable for him to really not want to talk to you & that he'll talk to you about practical things is a big plus. You might find that as the hurt fades & he moves on with his own life he'll want to have a more friendly relationship with you but if he doesn't there's not much you can do. Same goes for his relationship with your parents.

It seems like you were hoping you could make this huge decision that effects your family (and which it is absolutely your right to make, if you're unhappy it's brave of you to take steps to fix that) but that you thought that everyone would just fall into the new roles you want them to play & that's very unfair. It also seems very unfair that you'd end your marriage but that you expect your husband to be the one who moves out? If your kids want to live with him & you are surprised that they'd want to leave their home would it not make more sense for you to move into the rental house after Christmas so that your kids don't have to move into a new home?

You said that there are things you want that you couldn't get from/in your relationship, maybe now's the time to put together a plan for how you're going to go about getting them so that you have an idea of how your new life is going to go & you aren't so sad at it initially not being how you'd hope it would be.

Emme

OP, this is a sad thread. Is there really no hope for you and your ex? Could you try again? Maybe the spark went out of your marriage and you need to work at things again.

Sometimes the grass can look greener at the other side of the fence. Picture yourself in 18 months time when you're possibly still single and unable to find another partner while your ex-husband is madly in love a new partner 10 or 15 years younger than you. How would you feel about that? It's a very probable scenario and I would advise you to try and patch things up with your husband if you can. If you don't you will have to get used to the idea of being single for the rest of your life. You might meet somebody better than your husband but by the sounds of things it's unlikely.

If you feel it's more fair to let him go and find somebody who truly values him then be gentle with all concerned while they are getting used to the new order of things.

Merkin

rainbowtrout wrote: »

if you want a separation you have to accept the consequences of that separation which is that your husband does not see himself as part of your family any longer. This is probably his way of coping with the situation before him. If you no longer wish to be married to this man, you can't expect him to behave as if you still are.

This in a nutshell. I should imagine that there is going to be huge adjustment to be made for everyone involved as the entire family dynamic will have to be almost rewritten.

If you don't mind my saying, it seems like you haven't really thought the whole thing through a great deal. Did you husband know how unhappy you were? Did you try and work through the issues? What in the end precipitated the split? Did you simply have enough and walk out? Eventhough you said you've thought about it for five years it seems like you have almost done it on a whim without giving the consequences and realities of the situation any kind of thought tbh....

Little Acorn

Emme wrote: »

OP, this is a sad thread. Is there really no hope for you and your ex? Could you try again? Maybe the spark went out of your marriage and you need to work at things again.

Sometimes the grass can look greener at the other side of the fence. Picture yourself in 18 months time when you're possibly still single and unable to find another partner while your ex-husband is madly in love a new partner 10 or 15 years younger than you. How would you feel about that? It's a very probable scenario and I would advise you to try and patch things up with your husband if you can. If you don't you will have to get used to the idea of being single for the rest of your life. You might meet somebody better than your husband but by the sounds of things it's unlikely.

If you feel it's more fair to let him go and find somebody who truly values him then be gentle with all concerned while they are getting used to the new order of things.

I agree with your sentiment that wouldn't it be nice if they could somehow fix things, (I even asked similar in my own post), and I also questioned and hope that all possible was done to fix things, and even agree that sometimes yes the grass is greener.
However, I don't know why you are saying that it is "very probable" that her husband will start dating someone 10 or 15 years his junior, whilst she is still single and unable to find anyone, or why would you tell her "get used to the idea of being single for the rest of your life"
Sure some of these things could happen, but why would they be "very probable", whilst in your opinion the chance of her meeting someone better who makes her happy is "unlikely"?
Basically, could happen but what makes one probable and the other unlikely?