Am I blind/delusional.....

LegacyUser

Recently broke up with someone a few months ago who I was dating for a short period of time and my head is melted.

I had met this person long before I ever hooked up, always liked her, and when it came to pass, I was mentally ready for it. It was almost like I was subliminally preparing or waiting for the moment to happen, and it did. I was cagey, but happy to pursue it. I never gave too much away, as in, pour out all my thoughts, as I didn’t think it was very necessary at the start. All seemed to be going well. I was liked/was told this/liked them back/told them that. Then it just finishes. She says there is no point, no spark or magic whatever you want to call it. Sporadic contact since then, which has been good bantered, but I know I am the person suffering here, but am afraid to cease 100% contact. I feel there is more to the story. Maybe I am just 100% delusional. It’s tough….. Should I take a risk in a few weeks and risk making a complete fool of myself........

skyfall2012

I would break contact 100%, it is only hurting you. You can't be hanging onto thought of what might happen, what could be. She broke it off, 'the writing is on the wall'.

LegacyUser

Yes, you are right. I have this overwhelming sense of loss. It's weird. I have not felt anything like it before. Even with previous relationships.
For a while after the break, I felt like I was a mouse being teased by a cat. The "can't we still be friends" etc. Maybe it makes the other person feel better if they know the person they ditched is all good?

Merkin

hackedheart wrote: »

Sporadic contact since then, which has been good bantered, but I know I am the person suffering here, but am afraid to cease 100% contact. I feel there is more to the story. Maybe I am just 100% delusional. It’s tough…..

You feel there is more to the story because every time you talk to her it re instills some false hope for you. You're only setting yourself back and not allowing yourself to move on by staying in contact.

username123

hackedheart wrote: »

I was cagey, but happy to pursue it. I never gave too much away.......

Could this be the cause of the lack of chemistry? Its hard to fall for someone who is emotionally unavailable.

hackedheart wrote: »

Sporadic contact since then, which has been good bantered, but I know I am the person suffering here, but am afraid to cease 100% contact.

Thats why you are not getting over it, each bit of contact gives false hope.

hackedheart wrote: »

It’s tough….. Should I take a risk in a few weeks and risk making a complete fool of myself........

No, its done.

lordgoat

Cut ties. Delete numbers. Etc. Do it and plan one or two busy weeks where you have something on every evening.

LegacyUser

I just have this overwhelming sense of loss. I am finding it very hard to accept but such is life. I have to accept it and get on with it.
I am going on an absolute bender tomorrow. I am not into Christmas, and it's a double whammy.....

skyfall2012

hackedheart wrote: »

I just have this overwhelming sense of loss. I am finding it very hard to accept but such is life. I have to accept it and get on with it.
I am going on an absolute bender tomorrow. I am not into Christmas, and it's a double whammy.....

Watch a few sad romantic movies' (on your own) where the hero is in the same position as you like 'Chasing Amy', 'The Break up', there was another one with Vince Vaughan but I can't find it, where he is always holding her handbag which gives us the picture of how the relationship is rolling and he finally wakes up to her. Turn on a few love songs like Elvis' 'Heart break hotel', eat junk, drink sensibly and you should feel right as rain on Monday. That's my advice, (but it is not from any relationship counselling book) I just have a hunch it might work.

LegacyUser

Nah, to be honest, I don't want to watch or listen to anything where the person in it, is the same as me because you know it's just a film, they're acting, therefore it's make believe for them, it's real for me. I certainly don't want to watch any film where the guy "gets the girl" or the girl "gets the guy". Funnily enough, I came across a new song this week by an artist I really like,which totally describes how I am feeling right now, but it's harder still to listen to it.
I just need to blow off some steam.
What happened to me is the icing on the cake of a sh*t year in all aspects, personally and professionally. Just getting the flick off someone who asked ME out is the icing on the cake.
So, tomorrow, I'm getting f*cked up drunk, and will more than likely end up talking rubbish to lots of people....

skyfall2012

hackedheart wrote: »

Nah, to be honest, I don't want to watch or listen to anything where the person in it, is the same as me because you know it's just a film, they're acting, therefore it's make believe for them, it's real for me. I certainly don't want to watch any film where the guy "gets the girl" or the girl "gets the guy". Funnily enough, I came across a new song this week by an artist I really like,which totally describes how I am feeling right now, but it's harder still to listen to it.
I just need to blow off some steam.
What happened to me is the icing on the cake of a sh*t year in all aspects, personally and professionally. Just getting the flick off someone who asked ME out is the icing on the cake.
So, tomorrow, I'm getting f*cked up drunk, and will more than likely end up talking rubbish to lots of people....

On a serious note, it sounds like you have a huge capacity for love which a lot of people don't have. So whoever you end up with will be very lucky. When you are over her, looking forward; I was at a wedding last year where the couple met through an Irish dating website.

Like I say to my husband sometimes in jest, he should have gone through a dating website, then I would have ticked all the boxes:)

LegacyUser

I dunno at this stage. I got the "you're great, and hot, and great company etc" line to which I was going to answer "then what's your f*cking problem so???!!"
I am thinking of emigrating. The last 5 years have been a disaster for me. Absolute disaster.

skyfall2012

hackedheart wrote: »

I dunno at this stage. I got the "you're great, and hot, and great company etc" line to which I was going to answer "then what's your f*cking problem so???!!"
I am thinking of emigrating. The last 5 years have been a disaster for me. Absolute disaster.

Sounds like she is messing with your head. Don't make yourself available to her. Emigrating might be a good idea, if you are young and no responsibilities to anyone. I travelled before I settled down and I would highly recommend it.

LegacyUser

I'm not that young but feel like I might chance my luck abroad, things might change.
I wouldn't be so peed off if I wasn't told half the stuff I was told, ya know? If I hadn't been told anything or complimented, it wouldn't have been so bad.
I would never do that to someone, tell them something if I didn't mean it.
Anyways, I'm retreading old ground at this stage. I have broken off contact, but still can't shake off all thoughts. It's consuming me at this stage.......

skyfall2012

hackedheart wrote: »

I'm not that young but feel like I might chance my luck abroad, things might change.
I wouldn't be so peed off if I wasn't told half the stuff I was told, ya know? If I hadn't been told anything or complimented, it wouldn't have been so bad.
I would never do that to someone, tell them something if I didn't mean it.
Anyways, I'm retreading old ground at this stage. I have broken off contact, but still can't shake off all thoughts. It's consuming me at this stage.......

If my husband was advising you, he who fell for me hard and fast, not unlike the way you fell for that girl. Looking back he would advise you to enjoy your freedom, you are your own boss, you can play xbox whenever you like and for as long as you like, stay out drinking til the wee hours, you don't have to have a big discussion about things you want to do. There is a lot of positives with your situation and what you are feeling will pass.

LegacyUser

I guess so. It just feels horrible to feel "not good enough". A horrible horrible feeling. I've not had this with any LTR before. Maybe I assumed and expected too much..........

LegacyUser

OP, I'm not trying to be mean here, but I'll tell you how your post came across to me...

You were seeing this girl, she really liked you, but things didn't develop into what you were expecting. It sounds like she was genuine, like she did like you, but maybe not enough to pursue this relationship further. It's fine. Don't take it personally, please.

If you go on blind dates, you will realise it takes a lot of tries to find two people that match. It doesn't make any of the people less interesting, less charming, less sexy etc. It's just that it was not the right match, at the right time.

So maybe she's not that into you. Not her fault. But not yours either. And it doesn't say anything bad about you.

Personally, if I like someone, I go to the very end, I make a complete fool of myself, I get drunk, go on my knees, cry and tell the other person I love them to bits. Then if they still reject me, I will have to live with my embarassement and lack of respect to myself and broken reputation, but at least I don't have to deal with "what ifs". But this is a very personal and risky strategy and I wouldn't particularly recommend it as wise. Just saying it.

I do think there's a bit of self-pity / passive-agressiveness in your post (sorry!), and that will be no good for you. Please do not dwell in any of them. Tough ****, it didn't work out, move on. It also feel like you are trying to find deep romantic/spiritual meaning ("I never felt his way before" etc) in things that at the end of the day, we create ouselves, with our minds and fantasies. This is my tough love part. Please don't take it badly.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Well, it wasn't a blind date, that's the thing. That's what makes me more peed off that I screwed it up. I feel like Fernando Torres in front of an open goal kicking it wide. That's pretty much what happened....

There is a bit of self pity in there yes, I agree. I dunno, I'm going out later, having a few drinks, and will do my best to forget about it all...

cantdecide

You seem like the kind of guy that doesn't give yourself away too easily- probably much like me. I was in a kind of similar position recently so let me share my thoughts. You think that it all seemed a bit cosmic like it does when you've known someone for so long and now you're feeling foolish, predominantly but the good news is that no one ever died of feeling foolish. You're lucky that you weren't further down the road when this all came about.

LegacyUser

Hmmmmmmmm wrote: »

Personally, if I like someone, I go to the very end, I make a complete fool of myself, I get drunk, go on my knees, cry and tell the other person I love them to bits. Then if they still reject me, I will have to live with my embarassement and lack of respect to myself and broken reputation, but at least I don't have to deal with "what ifs". But this is a very personal and risky strategy and I wouldn't particularly recommend it as wise. Just saying it.

I also did more or less this, without the crying or down on my knees of love them to bits bit, as I thought, well, you have nothing to lose. So I don't feel foolish in this aspect, better to know you tried all angles, no matter how foolish they seem....

IrishEyes19

going out with the intention of getting hammered when you're not in the best form is very foolish and careless to be honest. too late now I guess but all you'll have is regrets if you make an idiot of yourself through drink. Never drink when your high on emotions someone once told me and its true. Be sensible, do something proactive.

LegacyUser

Well, I agree. Don't go out and drink high on emotions, which I did.
I can't buy the line of "be busy, do stuff, to put it out of your mind". It's in the back of the mind, so anything I am doing to try and forget about it is half arsed.
I would prefer it to be on my mind, and be angry, and trash my way through it, which is what I'm doing, and it feels good in weird way. I'm not denying that "oh, everything will be great and ok". Well, it will, but I'd much rather RAGE my way through it right now...

daisybelle2008

hackedheart wrote: »

Well, I agree. Don't go out and drink high on emotions, which I did.
I can't buy the line of "be busy, do stuff, to put it out of your mind". It's in the back of the mind, so anything I am doing to try and forget about it is half arsed.
I would prefer it to be on my mind, and be angry, and trash my way through it, which is what I'm doing, and it feels good in weird way. I'm not denying that "oh, everything will be great and ok". Well, it will, but I'd much rather RAGE my way through it right now...

Might feel like an improvement on all the self-pity and negativity. If you feel like the past 5 years of your life have been 'an absolute disaster' you would probably do well to get some counselling and stop living in such a state of joyless pessimism.

LegacyUser

Well, the first thing I need to do is to change my circumstances. That is in my hands, and has been for the last five years and I have not done anything about it. I need to.

On a personal level, well, that's going to follow me around whatever my circumstances. At this stage I am resigning myself that I am probably trying to punch above my weight, but I don't believe in "settling" for less either. That's my problem.........

KamiKazeKitten

hackedheart wrote: »

Well, the first thing I need to do is to change my circumstances. That is in my hands, and has been for the last five years and I have not done anything about it. I need to.

Got it in one. The only person who can change your circumstances is you, other people can help you as much as they can but you'll make your own destiny.

On a personal level, well, that's going to follow me around whatever my circumstances. At this stage I am resigning myself that I am probably trying to punch above my weight, but I don't believe in "settling" for less either. That's my problem.........

I'm not much of a believer in weights, classes or ratings of people to be honest with ya. Someone could be a ten out of ten in one persons eyes and another wouldn't touch them with yours (if you'll excuse the phrase ) Do you see what I'm saying? Imo you'll find someone when you're happy with yourself, and you've worked through this...don't push yourself to do it until you're ready.

LegacyUser

I guess so. You know when you read about the odds being really low that you'll meet someone who you feel you are compatible with? Well, whether it had worked out or not, I didn't even get a chance to get off the starting blocks, through my own caginess and hesitancy with someone who I thought was well worth a shot. That's what I am beating myself up over. It was weird. I thought this person had all the good qualities from all the people I have been with rolled into one. It was presented to me, and I dropped the ball. So, I am right to be hard on myself for a while. It's the only way I will learn a very very hard lesson.....

skyfall2012

My husband, before he was my husband was chasing this gorgeous girl, she didn't see in him what I saw in him and now me and him are married and she is engaged to this guy who doesn't have the smarts, sense of humour or looks my husband has, I really feel she missed her opportunity to be with a great guy and now she is with Mr. Alright. So me and my husband are very happy together, so do what my man did move on and meet someone who deserves you. Unless she comes crawling back, I would be out on the prowl looking for someone new.

LegacyUser

Yep. You're right. I'm currently trying to just stop thinking about this person. It's morning, noon, and bloody night.

It's the idea that maybe I did deserve them, or they did deserve me, and maybe they were screaming out "do something more!!!", and I let it slip. That's what's eating me up.

skyfall2012

The heart is a muscle like any other and the best exercise you can do for it is called picking yourself up off the floor. –pleasefindthis, “The Water Flows Uphill”

The chemistry is there or it is not, I'm afraid:(

LegacyUser

skyfall2012 wrote: »

The heart is a muscle like any other and the best exercise you can do for it is called picking yourself up off the floor. –pleasefindthis, “The Water Flows Uphill”

The chemistry is there or it is not, I'm afraid:(

I'm going to get that book "I wrote this for you".
I suppose I just need to wade through it. I am just gutted I was told lots of stuff to give me false hope....

darkangel1986

hey op,

kinda bit confused with all the diff posts ya have been giving. you say you kept to yourself then say that later you told her how ya felt which one is it?? maybe ya need to tell her how ya feel before you give up as you said maybe shethought that you were not interested if ya kept cards to your chest and was just preventing herself from getting hurt.

also you mention that you dropped the ball, how did you manage to do this?

beks101

Ick, I feel your pain OP. Some people just get under your skin.

I'm sort of in a similar predicament, with a friend who became more than a friend after I confessed to having feelings on a drunken night out. He said he felt the same, we dated, he made little to no effort outside those dates, we dated some more, he expressed the same feelings and then vanished off the radar altogether. Awkward for all involved.

It hurt like a motherfucker to be honest, and I'm not some wide-eyed heart-on-their-sleeve type, it takes a lot for me to fall. I think there's a few reasons why this guy was different - he just represented so much, after going through a really devastating break-up and effectively swearing myself off men, here was this guy right under my nose who might 'restore my faith' in the opposite sex again...all was not lost! :rolleyes:

And then there was the fact that I felt 'ready' for another relationship...he obviously didn't. And probably top of the list - I had been more forward and emotionally available to this guy than I've probably ever been before in my life, I started this, I laid my feelings bare and the rejection of all of that is just a lot to deal with.

I think you're in a similar situation, with many factors making it difficult for you to get over this girl. You knew her a while before anything happened, you wanted it to happen, you were 'ready' for a relationship, you've had a few horrible years...maybe she was the light that you've been missing from your life for a while. So the whole thing took on greater meaning.

There's a big world of women out there who won't end things prematurely or be inconsistent in their words and actions ('I really like you...we need to break up'...HEAD EXPLODES! :mad::mad:), but maybe you need to take some time to take care of yourself and build up your strength again before you launch yourself on the dating scene. Find a hobby, train for a marathon, take a holiday to the other side of the world, plan your future abroad. Immerse yourself in something, anything.

She's just a bloody girl! Before you know it weeks will have passed and the feelings will have turned into complete indifference.

LegacyUser

darkangel1986 wrote: »

hey op,

kinda bit confused with all the diff posts ya have been giving. you say you kept to yourself then say that later you told her how ya felt which one is it?? maybe ya need to tell her how ya feel before you give up as you said maybe shethought that you were not interested if ya kept cards to your chest and was just preventing herself from getting hurt.

also you mention that you dropped the ball, how did you manage to do this?

I kept my cards to my chest, and when I got the road, then I pretty much poured out everything on my mind. Nothing to lose I thought. No regrets there. There has been sporadic contact between both sides since. I suppose I am kind of accepting that is that. My replys are very brief and serious...

LegacyUser

@beks101

Yup, pretty much summed it up. I thought this was a person to restore my faith in the opposite sex. But maybe I was so into getting into the personality, I quenched the chemistry that is needed, which probably just wasn't there. Well it was from me, but I froze up....

It's true what they say though. Personality counts.