Love life is like a damaged nerve ...

LegacyUser

Already registered but don’t want to get emotional, only when anonymous.
At the risk of writing a snivelling novel and depressing all the lovely people on here, I will try and keep this brief.

I am in my very early 20's . I would of consider myself the maternal-caring-loyal- girl next door type – But currently , on the love life side, I have become resistant to any hint of interest from the opposite sex.

I had two very short relationships in the last two years. The first, was with a pompous idiot who wanted everything rushed – he pushed his way into my home and forced his parents, cousins, neighbours dogs on me -, yet it turned out he had his bits on the side.

The second was with a coward who suffered from nerves, who was all about me. Only to dump me out of the blue and coldly. He left me find out for myself on that god awful facebook that he had dumped me for his best female friend and after some investigation – it seemed all premeditated and sneaky. I felt sick as he had her meet me before hand. I now conclude I was a pawn in their little game. Only, I ended up burned and humiliated.
After that, I slightly went off the rails a bit. I went on mad sessions. Acted out of character after a few drinks, planted one on any guy in a night club and would walk away – I wasn’t true to myself and embarssed myself.

Earlier this year, a college friend tried to set me up with her boyfriends friend. He was only after one thing too. I shot him down, he stayed over. He told me to text him. Never heard from him again.

I have now shut myself off. Completely. These were my first experiences. And were extremely hurtful and played on my mind since.
I see guys make eye contact with me now, but I now cast my eyes down and keep moving. Stopped going on nights out.
I am afraid to try again. I feel it’s awful. It’s an awful way at twenty one. I have nothing to show for it.
There are girls I know who have relationships and everything is just so straight forward.

The funny thing is, I don’t get how I got here? People tell me I am quite goodlooking. Now, I wouldn’t go around believing it like a chocolate bar wanting to eat itself. I feel I am smart. I have always shown respect to people, consideration, loyalty and I would be thoughtful.
I believe, male or female, everyone who seeks a partner wants these qualities? Yet, I feel like I am doing something wrong constantly?
I am very independant. But, I am very lonely? I love my parents and sibling. Thank god for them. And I seem to pick up friends everywhere I go. But in the relationship department – I seem to be sh*t.
I, just want to be minded and loved by someone? Be made feel I am doing just fine. And I am doing something right? I feel I have the tools suitable but have no idea how to build or make something work and I am so afraid of being hurt again. I don’t know how to go about getting any of it.

I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Sorry about babble. Anyone any experiences from memory similar lane? Anyone know how to break out of the resistance?

DeltaWhite

I dont mean this in a bad way OP, but you could be the most beautiful woman in the world - you could still get your heart broken!

Why do you seem to think you're the one with the problem? You just met 2 idiots that were not right for you and now you've learnt to be a bit more cautious, that's not the be all and end all! I think you are over thinking things and putting all the blame for a bit of bad luck on yourself.

Sometimes you have to meet a few frogs before you find your prince. Believe me, I have been with some men, one or 2 that nearly destroyed my life - because I let them! It took me YEARS to realise that I wasnt the one at fault, I wasnt to blame. I just wasnt with the right people and forcing myself to believe otherwise was the mistake I made.

I spent 2 years of my life thinking I was a waster and nobody would ever want me - all because of the failed relationships I had been through. When I look back now I'm laughing to myself for even thinking like that! It's all lessons learnt and gaining valuable experience. I also spent those 2 years seeking a other half and let me tell you, when you seek them out is usually the ones that wont last, for me anyway! So I made the decision to just not worry myself about a relationship and just enjoy my life, and out of the blue my other half found me. Totally unexpected and I still cant believe it still to this day, 2 years later that he found me. The mistakes I made in the past and lessons I learnt are such an unbelievable help to me now.

There are girls I know who have relationships and everything is just so straight forward. You may think that, but nobody is perfect. Nobody! You have no idea what really goes on behind closed doors OP and nobodys relationship can be peachy all the time!

I think you should just have some you time for a while and just always try remember that bad relationships are something to learn from, not to shut yourself off and dismiss anyone that comes across your path in your love life! Yes, you will go through heartbreak in your life, but you have to as it's the only way to make yourself stronger for whatever may come in the future!

Chin up! And stop being so hard on yourself - nobody is perfect, we all have our flaws

cantdecide

At the hour of life that you're at, you probably will find yourself in the way of people who are less than mature in love as well as other ways and probably don't value the things that you [appear to] value.

You've had some bad luck but it's not your fault. We all feel down and we all close ourselves off and feel numb from time to time so the good news is that this is all temporary. You can permit yourself to do this in the short term as you heal but try to realise you're going to have to get back to your old self as quickly as you can. FWIW, you sound like a perfectly lovely person and you have your whole life ahead of you so relax, be nice to yourself and try to be the best you that you can be so you will be ready when the right guy walks into your life.

Forever Hopeful

You are only in your early 20s. You have plenty of time to meet the right one as long as you don't waste your energy being bitter. You only have to read the countless posts from people all ages etc to realise there is no silver bullet and very few people avoid heartbreak.
This is all experience, this is what your 20s and 30s are about. Learning the life lessons that lead you to the right person. Be guaranteed that those friends of yours in so called "perfect" relationships won't be with or end up with those same people. Friends who were loved up through their 20s could be single through their 30s.
Enjoy your freedom, enjoy meeting new people. Looks are only skin deep and not a guarantee of lasting happiness. It's all about your attitude and outlook. You have the rest of your life to be with someone but now's the time to build your confidence and independence because that's what you need to get through the good and not so good times with ease.
Not to sound condescending but I'm nearly 20 years older than you. I've had some amazing experiences, haven't met the right one yet but you know what, I've never been happier. So lift that head up, smile and have fun.
Good luck!

Joshua J

Hey OP, alot of similarites in your post to my experience. I don't know if you'd agree but my issue is that I get too emotionally involved too quickly and when things go tits up I found it hard to deal with. I've been single now for many a year(am in my early thirties) mainly due to not wanting to experience the rollercoaster that I've been through before.

Looking back the one common denominator in all my relationships was me. I had my expectations of it without really taking into account the other individuals expectations. I wanted love and caring, probably too much, and when my expectations didn't match reality I suffered over it. People will only do to you what you let them.

Am no professional, but your "Love em and leave 'em" attitude now might be you "getting the hurt in first" so to speak, i.e your gonna be the one to hurt before it happens to you. I've felt like that too.

My advice would be to calm down, think back over how you dealt with things and what you'd change if the same situation arose. Remember that you can only really change yourself and your expectations and that another person cannot be relied on to treat you how you expect. But as a caveat, try not to obsess too much, been there done that. And most of all don't be too hard on yourself. Your caring nature is your greatest asset but also your greatest weakness. Take time to yourself and be strong.

An Bhanríon

Shades of myself in my twenties ... I finally learned in my thirties and copped myself on ...

OP, what you need is practice - you are running away from all the things you need to practise so that you will eventually end up in a loving relationship.

You need to:
get your heart broken
make a complete idiot of yourself in front of someone you like
get mad nervous before a date (or during a date!)
let yourself fall head over heels for someone
take a risk by talking to that guy you like
chat to guys that approach you, even if you have no interest

Once you can do all these things and still walk away with your head held high and self respect intact, things will start to fall into place.

But don't, like me, leave this practice until your 30s. There are many more fish in the sea when you are in your twenties!! Now is the time to practice.

Get out of your comfort zone now! You will be amazed where it brings you. One step at a time ...

Edit:
Forgot to say when I wrote this originally, the main thing is to learn how to laugh at yourself and at the funny situations you get into with guys you like or that like you. Myself and my friends (all in thirties) now regularly look back at all the silly things we did while running after guys in the past. But if we hadn't done those things, we would have never ended up in that lovely space that is the well-balanced long term relationship. Smile and the world will smile with you! Take a chance and you never know what it might lead to!

IrishEyes19

Hi, OP. Firstly, you're not doing anything wrong. Don't believe that at all. Its completely normal by the way to be let down by past relationships. Its not a sign of weakness or anything, it happens to the best and worst of people. And granted its the worst feeling in the world, but you always move on. no one can break your heart, thats my belief on it. they can bruise it temporarily but break it no. It may seem cheesy or silly, but I found after bad break ups, a smile or a nice compliment from a stranger really cheered me up, or when I found someone else attractive. It reminded me that I could feel love again. even in the simpliest of things.

now as for what are you doing wrong. Nothing. However I would take note of the time you were meeting several guys ect. Now Im not running that down or anything, but the idea of someone only wanting you for one thing seems to really bother you and worry you. and well I guess casual hook ups cant be doing anything favourable for your self esteem right now.

as for the guys you've dated recently who've been more physical orientated rather than relationship....dont fret. Early twenties and guys.....Im not sterotyping here, but from my own dating experience, most guys that age are young and out for fun before getting into anything serious. so its not you. dont be worried about it. it will happen eventually. I sense maybe because you really want something special, its probably coming across in your demeanour. Now I really suggest you get out there and have a few good nights out and enjoy yourself. dont waste it worrying about someone to date. because the only signal your givng out is someone whose worried and unhappy. best of luck.