Father cheating on mother.

LegacyUser

Reg going unreg for this. I'll try to keep it short.

My dad used to be a domestic abuser towards myself, some of my siblings and my mother. He was kicked out for a domestic abuse incident towards one of his adult children (sorry, trying to keep this vague) a few years ago. A year ago, himself and the mother got back together.

At the time, I wasn't happy about it but my siblings were. I voiced my concerns, and was more or less dismissed. Fair enough, they're adults, their choice.

Because of the things he did to me as a child (no sexual abuse involved, all serious domestic abuse and telling me how I was a mistake and he never loved and never would love me), I spent a long time in therapy discussing these issues and the effect they had on my mental health. My therapist encouraged me to forgive my father, but I was reluctant as I believed he'd never change.

I eventually forgave him and to give him credit, we have had a fairly good relationship since. I only managed to forgive him after very intense therapy over a long period of time, and this forgiveness only came about around 4 months ago.

The other night, my mother told me I had been right and that she should never have taken him back as he was cheating on him.

Today, she had me go through their computer and I found heaps of proof. I'm not going to say what proof, but it was concrete.

Now, she's telling me that I cannot talk to anyone about it (understandable IMO). She has also said that I'm not to act differently to him, I'm to act nice. I don't think I'll be able to do this. She has also said I cannot let anybody in my family know that I am in a bad mood. She then bítched at me for not finding even more concrete proof (what I found was more than ample), while I was sitting at her computer, struggling to hold back tears.

I guess my questions are -

Should I really have to keep my mood to myself? I understand not upsetting my family, and I have no intention of telling my siblings anything but at the same time, how am I supposed to act happy?? I told her several times that I did not want anything to do with this and that once I found the proof, she was to leave me alone because frankly I can't handle dealing with it, but she just keeps on and on and on talking to me about it and demanding I find more proof (which I am still refusing to do).

Aside from that, what do I do now about my father? Am I supposed to forgive his actions again? He was cheating constantly while he was being abusive towards us, and this is just (IMO) him going back to his roots, nothing has changed. He did a lot worse than what I've described in my post, but nothing that I can go into detail about. Let's just say one beating from him left permanent damage to my face when I was 10 years old (I'm now mid 20s). Do I forgive him again? If not, how do I act happy and normal around him (as my mother demands) when I know what he's done? It took me so long to forgive him and start to respect him again and now I'm back to square one and I don't know what to do. I am no longer in therapy for anything because I am much better, but this has thrown me. :-/

I don't really know exactly what advice I'm looking for here, but any would be nice! I know I come across as extremely selfish and as though I'm only concerned about my own feelings but believe me, that's not the case. It's just that my mother has people to talk to about her feelings and I don't because I've been sworn to secrecy. I am doing what I can to look after her because I know she is heartbroken and really angry, but at the same time, I don't know how to look after my own feelings or how to process them really.

Sorry this is so long, and thank you to anyone who reads/responds to this.

edellc

Unfortunately OP yes you are going to have to keep your mood in check, no you dont have to be happy happy just be indifferent to this. This is your mothers life and regardless of if you agree with her decisions or not you have to respect they are her decisions to make and just like if a friend confided in you and asked you to keep something to yourself you have to do this for you mother. She needs time to digest this information and decide what it is she wants to do, and when she does just be there for her. She probably feels like the biggest fool in the world to trust him again and this is what she gets so her confidence will be at an all time low.

As for if you forgive him for this, well thats your call you dont have to, if you want no more to do with him then thats what you do, your an adult and you can do what you like. However I would urge you to keep this in check also until your mother has decided what to do...then if you want a quite word with him and tell him what you know and that he disgusts and you want no more to do with him, then do it. But if your mother decides to forgive and forget you have to remember that is her decision to do and you must respect that also, and if this does happen and you visit their home then its up to you to behave in an appropriate manner.

Believe me I know all of this is hard...my father had numerours affairs on my mother and we suspected but never actually found evidence, their marriage did break down but for another reason and its now been over a decade since I have had to have contact with him, its been 10 years of bliss and easy enough as he left the family home if your mother chooses to stay with your father avoiding him will be hard.

up for anything

You'll forgive me if I say that your mother sounds toxic and that you should give her a bit of wide berth until you regain your peace of mind. I can't understand why she involved and pushed you into looking for the proof that she wanted, then swore you to secrecy and then berated you for not finding whatever kind of proof it was that she wanted. She is playing a stupid game with you and with your father. What does she want to gain from and do with this proof? I'm sure if she decides to confront your father with the proof that your name will come into it and she doesn't seem to have any qualms about ruining your new relationship with him either by involving you in their horrendous relationship or by eventually outing you as the one who found the proof for her.

My heart goes out to stuck in the middle of their sordid mess. I don't think you sound selfish at all - both of them are though. Is it possible for you to walk away from all of this or do you live at/near home? I think there comes a time when nobody has the right to expect you to pretend that everything is alright. Your mother is an adult - she went through a very painful time and decided to take back the person who put her through that. She must have known at the time that she was taking a chance - it doesn't sound like he was your average wife beater (if there is such a thing) as he beat his children as well. I really can't believe that she is expecting you to act a part. She has betrayed you enough without that. As an adult she should be able to bear her own burdens without making you part of it.

LegacyUser

Hi, firstly, I just want to say to you that my heart really goes out to you. Your post actually makes me want to cry. It just goes to show the strength of character you have and the absolute testament to the human spirit you are that you forgave your father, given that he left you with a cold reminder of his ferocity, every time you look in the mirrror. I don't even know how you did that. You are remarkable! Really.
This is a very hard position you are in. I would like to say sell him out to all of your family despite what your mother says. But at the same time, People no matter who they are can be hugely upset at your involvement in their relationship, despite the injured party openly seeking help from you. If you voice your opinion and publicly so it often reflects so badly on you and thus the relationship you once had with this person is now ruined, despite you sitting firmly on the side of right and knowing heart and soul this wrongdoer needed to be outed.
Your mother is probably biding her time, deciding what to do, maybe stalling because of Christmas. She wants you to be her confidant and have someone to talk about this to. Can I make a suggestion here and say that you tell your mother, you have had enough, tell her if she needs someone to talk to about it, she needs to take up counselling and your involvement ends here. There are counsellors out there that you can get an appt with rapidly. She needs to do that. At least then all you have to do is keep up the pretence until she decides to do something. It’s no consolation but I am sure you have been keeping up pretences all your life to protect your family. At least then you are out of it to a certain extent.
A really good friend said to me years ago, that people will often put their crap on you as its too heavy to lift themselves, one person starts, then people hear your good at this kind of thing and the next thing, you might as well set up an advice line/office to help all the needy. You are emotionally spent and they (youve guessed it) are all okay caused you’ve helped them. Who is helping you? Dare I ask. This in my opinion is what your mother is doing here.
Can I say that I do hope with all my heart, that you have a great Christmas regardless of what is happening, you have fought long and hard. I know the hard road you have been through. I have suffered severely at the hands of my own mother. I told her one Christmas that I forgave her for all of it. I didn’t buy her anything. I told her this was my gift to her. You know what she said “for what?”. I gave up after that for a while. I couldn’t stomach it.
In a cruel twist of fate though, when the abusers get old and frail, those they have made suffer the most, feel the most sorry for them. It’s like they take the heart of you when you’re a kid and then through hard work you grow it back, only for it to be good and ready for use again when they are old. I have three other siblings, none of them go near her, only when they want something and even at that they are cautious. I see her regularly as the guilt would be too much if I didn’t. She still gives me an awful time but at least she can’t hit me anymore. I’m 35 now. They never change, I hate to rob you of any hope that you have, but they don’t. You become more acceptant of it over time. I have yet to have kids or be married. I will never give a child a life like the one I had. I couldn’t live with myself had I put a child through that. Every good wish to you………………………………………………..

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I wouldn't say anything to your father, it is up to your mother to say it, she might be afraid of his reaction when she confronts him about this.

I think your mother was very selfish in involving you, especially when she knows how much this man has hurt you in the most vulnerable time of your life. Abusers are cowards, anybody that would hit a child is a coward. Children just have love to give, they want to love their parents and to be loved by their parents. Children don't understand the world and make a lot of mistakes which can drive adults crazy, but normal adults understand that they are only children and they are learning and we as their parents have to guide them by giving them boundaries, talking to them and educating them.

I sometimes look at my 5 and 7 year old when they are sleeping, I really get a sense of how vulnerable they are and how they depend on and trust me soooo much and my mind goes to children like you who's trust was broken, who loved so much and desperately wanted it in return. The emotional damage those people did to you in childhood is so bad and so hard to mend, but you managed to finally bring yourself to forgive your parents and now they do this to you! It's a good thing I don't know where they live.

I think you need to accept that your parents are quiet emotionally immature and that is not going to change any time soon. You need to protect yourself emotionally from them and their behaviour. Realise that they exist in a different world from you and unfortunately you can't save them from themselves, but you can save yourself.

Because they are your family, it is not so easy to turn your back on them, but you are an adult now and you can stand up to them and don't be afraid to tell them what you think of their behaviour when the situation arises which it will, because they need to hear it from somebody and they will need to hear it over and over, before it sinks in. So don't feel that you have no control, just understand the parameters that you are dealing with and try keep calm when dealing with them and don't do anything if it will set you back. Do what you need to, to protect yourself.

Xterminator

hi op,

just an observation. your father didnt cheat on you personally, but on his partner; your mother.

Now he doesnt sound like a nice person at all so im not defending him; but there may be history or another side to this story that you are not aware of.

so i can understand if you don't approve of his actions, and naturally want to side with your mum.

However if she isnt going to confront him or take any action it really wouldn't be your place to confront or expose him to your siblings.

In my opinion anyway.

your personal relationship is however yours and if you sever ties, or ignore etc, i dont think your mother could have too much to say there. I assume your all living under the one roof, from your post.

X

IrishEyes19

I hate to have to agree with others here, as I would feel the same and want to out the guy. It doesnt seem fair, but you could end up losing your Mother's trust if you go against her, so its probably in your best interest and hers to stay quiet.

The only thing I will say is, has the abuse stopped? And is your Mother afraid that if she says anything it could start again? Because if this is the case, I would advise you sit down with her privately and tell her that she can escape this, it isnt a case of being trapped.