GF not respecting me and taking me for granted

dynex

Hey all, since mine is an extremely long story, I'll give bullet points. Sorry for the length:

- girlfriend had ex that treated her like crap, he pestered her while we were dating in the first month, so she said she blocked him
- gf unblocked ex cause "she was curious if he would text her" (her words)
- gf was in contact with him for the first 2 months every now and then
- gf gave him her new number, and contacted him at 1:30am (said it was to tell him how happy she was - which the story then change to her not being able to cut ppl out of her life). My reaction was obviously not a happy one, where she was extremely defensive and told me off a few times. She then swore not to talk to him. I let it go since I thought, I asked if she spoke to him and she was honest about it.
- gf showed me whenever he would text, with her not replying for another few weeks. However, she always deletes all her texts, emails, phone logs cause she doesnt like clutter or wtv
- gf then messages him again at 1:30am cause he asked her for a model number for something. Again, very defensive telling me to leave if i want and just being plain rude, where I was being extremely calm.
- gf again swears to never be in contact with him

- a month or 2 go by, no word or anything about ex. However she makes a new friend at work, who is married and I dont think anything of it.

- during the next month and a half, her and the co-worker begin texting each other everyday after work (they spend all day together, desks feet away), all day, at night, weekends, and I saw at least twice he messaged her at 12 ish am, where she replied.
- I share my concerns about this man, a married man who is in contact with her this much, never accusing my gf, where she defends him and basically asks me if im done talking about it - like she doesnt have the patience for this.
- one night, we are out with friends and I see her texting him at 2am on a Saturday. Asking who she is speaking to, she tells me her co-worker. He's asking if she is working tmrw... My only reaction was, "Thats weird" and she blew up, telling me off, calling my concerns pathetic.
- i inform her that this is inappropriate behaviour, and it makes me uncomfortable. her response "are you done talking about it"
- the next day I bring it up again, calmly and carefully, letting her know that its not that i think shes cheating, i think its just inappropriate. Annoyed, she says she wont text him at night anymore but once again she snaps, acts like she wants to leave, and then she goes home. Texting me later that she understands, and wont text him late at night.
- a few days pass and i still see they are in constant contact. Maybe not at night, as I dont always stay at her place, but not much has changed. To the point that if Im at her place, shell barely talk to me, but I see shes texting him.

- I finally get fed up of the lack of consideration, lack of respect and tell her I cant take it anymore. She admitted that all she did was wrong, and that she could change. She admitted to manipulating me by telling me off, knowing I'd stop talking about it. And she admitted for taking me for granted. But that its not impossible to fix and that its not enough to leave.
- Said she didnt think I was bothered by her being in constant contact with him, since I only said dont talk late at night. My response was that I shouldnt have to tell her, these are fundamental things you should know. I asked if the roles were reversed, how would she react? If she dealt with everything I did, dealt with the attitude and so on. She admitted that she'd lose her mind. She begged for me to stay and I came very close to giving her one final chance.

- However, as we were going over everything, she was giving excuses for everything she did. She was blaming her terrible attitude on the actual ex who she was in constant contact with, and basically lied about a few things that I knew the absolute truth about.
- So I said I couldn't continue with someone who doesn't respect me, our relationship and takes me for granted. Because, not to make myself seem like Im perfect, but I was extremely caring, considerate, affectionate, and was not getting back what I was putting in.

All this to say, is that I actually do love her, and I know she loves me too, which makes me feel terrible for ending it. I just know that nothing would change and it would be up to me to accept everything she did and will continue to do.

I guess my question is how would everybody else react if they were in my shoes?

Thanks in advance

Esoteric_

I hope I don't come across as too harsh here but -

What the heck is wrong with her texting male friends? Or even exes for that matter? Unless the content was inherently flirtatious or sexual, what exactly is the issue?

I have plenty of male friends and I'd text some of them quite a lot, including late at night if I'm awake and bored. I have an ex who I talk to most days, he's one of my best friends and has been for years, and if anyone told me not to talk to him, I'd rip them a new one.

From what you've said you're not happy about her texting men? I'm not being smart but is there actually anything sexual to these messages? If there isn't, you sound a bit controlling.

dynex

I understand that having male friends is normal. She has many male friends who I have no issues her talking to. I have female friends who Ive know for a decade. However, it is the fact that:

1) being in constant contact with an ex who treated her terribly and told me she wanted nothing to do with, isnt normal. Especially late at night. If they ended the relationship and she tells me they are still friends from the get-go, id understand. I was told she blocked him from day one. Then hear about late night texting, and curiosities about if he would text her...

2) a co-worker who you are in contact with at all hours of the day, night, weekends, while ur bf is with you, and late at night is highly inappropriate. Chit-chatting every now and then is perfectly fine, and as I said in my previous post, at first I didn't think anything of it.

And she even admitted to knowing she was doing something wrong and did it anyway. Thats what hurts. Not so much the actual act of talking - since I didnt end it when she was doing these things. But it was how she did it knowing it was wrong, that she, in my shoes, wouldnt accept it, and that I wasnt aloud to express my concerns.

Hope that clears it up

Esoteric_

dynex wrote: »

I understand that having male friends is normal. She has many male friends who I have no issues her talking to. I have female friends who Ive know for a decade. However, it is the fact that:

1) being in constant contact with an ex who treated her terribly and told me she wanted nothing to do with, isnt normal. Especially late at night. If they ended the relationship and she tells me they are still friends from the get-go, id understand. I was told she blocked him from day one. Then hear about late night texting, and curiosities about if he would text her...

I wouldn't personally get in contact with an ex who treated me badly, and yes, she was wrong to lie to you, but the texts are seemingly harmless so I really do fail to see the issue here.

2) a co-worker who you are in contact with at all hours of the day, night, weekends, while ur bf is with you, and late at night is highly inappropriate. Chit-chatting every now and then is perfectly fine, and as I said in my previous post, at first I didn't think anything of it.

I was in near constant contact with a married co-worker for the duration of my time in my last job, including late at night, including going for drinks and whatever else. There was nothing wrong with it, he was just a good friend. If it was a married female friend, I doubt you'd see any problem with it.

And she even admitted to knowing she was doing something wrong and did it anyway. Thats what hurts. Not so much the actual act of talking - since I didnt end it when she was doing these things. But it was how she did it knowing it was wrong, that she, in my shoes, wouldnt accept it, and that I wasnt aloud to express my concerns.

Hope that clears it up

At the end of the day, yes you should have been allowed to express your concerns and she was wrong to lie to you. But what do you expect when you seem to have a problem with her having friends that she has lots of contact with. If it were a female friend she was texting, would there be an issue with it?

If it's just an issue with her texting people in general so often, then maybe you just both have different ideas of what's acceptable and what's not, and that's fine! But from what you've said, you just find it inappropriate that she has male friends that she talks to a lot. Whether they're married or not should really be irrelevant.

dynex

Truthfully, if it were a woman she was texting all day, everyday, I wouldnt think much about it, but I would eventually be bothered. There have been times where I was sitting with her and she would constantly be on her phone texting him or other ppl (he wasnt the only one) and I would just sit there by myself trying to communicate and getting short answers. Where I would then just watch tv...

Maybe I have an issue with that form of contact as it undermines my presence. The real issue is that, I act a certain way and expect for the same gestures to be reciprocated. In terms of respect, she knew that she wouldnt accept me doing the exact same things as she was, and did them anyway.

I appreciate how you feel it is normal, as you do speak to exes and co-workers. But if she stated her position from day one, it would be up to me if I was willing to accept it or not. Not just being thrown into this situation and expected to either accept or shut your mouth type attitude. I always approached her respectfully and calmly, always assuring her I wasnt suspecting cheating, since if I did, I would have been gone a long time ago.

I appreciate your input on this

Esoteric_

dynex wrote: »

Truthfully, if it were a woman she was texting all day, everyday, I wouldnt think much about it, but I would eventually be bothered. There have been times where I was sitting with her and she would constantly be on her phone texting him or other ppl (he wasnt the only one) and I would just sit there by myself trying to communicate and getting short answers. Where I would then just watch tv...

Maybe I have an issue with that form of contact as it undermines my presence. The real issue is that, I act a certain way and expect for the same gestures to be reciprocated. In terms of respect, she knew that she wouldnt accept me doing the exact same things as she was, and did them anyway.

I appreciate how you feel it is normal, as you do speak to exes and co-workers. But if she stated her position from day one, it would be up to me if I was willing to accept it or not. Not just being thrown into this situation and expected to either accept or shut your mouth type attitude. I always approached her respectfully and calmly, always assuring her I wasnt suspecting cheating, since if I did, I would have been gone a long time ago.

I appreciate your input on this

Mhm, I understand how you feel actually. People have their own standards and frankly, if I was trying to converse with somebody and they were too busy texting to speak to me properly, I'd be rightly fecked off too. That IS disrespectful and downright rude.

The bit about not minding so much if it were a female friend throws me a little though. Do you believe or worry that texting will develop into something more? If you do, then you honestly need to work on your trust issues because it sounds like, although she is being rude in texting while you're trying to talk to her, she's not actually doing anything that should lead to you believing there may be something going on with these men. We women can have great platonic relationships with men!

Was she like this from the start of the relationship, or is this a newish development? If it's a new thing, then yeah I'd be annoyed by it, too.

If she says herself that she'd be annoyed by you doing it then she's being a hypocrite and I wouldn't be happy with that either.

Ultimately, I think you may have somewhat over-reacted with your train of thought, but if you're not happy about something and she's not willing to change it or discuss it, then it's probably best not to continue with the relationship.

Chucky the tree

I'd be out of there like a shot tbh. Wouldn't have even last past the drama with her ex. Get the impression that she's probably not that into you, not as much as you would want her to be anyway.

dynex

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Mhm, I understand how you feel actually. People have their own standards and frankly, if I was trying to converse with somebody and they were too busy texting to speak to me properly, I'd be rightly fecked off too. That IS disrespectful and downright rude.

The bit about not minding so much if it were a female friend throws me a little though. Do you believe or worry that texting will develop into something more? If you do, then you honestly need to work on your trust issues because it sounds like, although she is being rude in texting while you're trying to talk to her, she's not actually doing anything that should lead to you believing there may be something going on with these men. We women can have great platonic relationships with men!

Was she like this from the start of the relationship, or is this a newish development? If it's a new thing, then yeah I'd be annoyed by it, too.

If she says herself that she'd be annoyed by you doing it then she's being a hypocrite and I wouldn't be happy with that either.

Ultimately, I think you may have somewhat over-reacted with your train of thought, but if you're not happy about something and she's not willing to change it or discuss it, then it's probably best not to continue with the relationship.

I think women can be great friends platonically. Like I said, if I thought there was possibility of cheating with these men, I wouldn't have bothered from the start. However the exes relationship ended a few months before we met. So her contact raised a flag, but I decided to move forward.

All of this started a month in, after she told me she blocked her ex. So obviously I was caught off guard thinking, she wants nothing to do with him - Where it then becomes, she's curious if he'll text her and she contacts him at 130am. But remember, I didnt end it right then, I trusted her and tried to make her understand my position.

I always tried to talk about issues rather than fight. I wanted her to understand that, a relationship with me would be about respecting both of our positions. So when I gave her the opportunity to speak about why she thought it was appropriate, I listened. When I gave my concerns, I was asked if I was done talking... And it was then swept under the rug.

It was, like you said, the hypocritical attitude, that "its ok for me to contact my ex, my co-worker all day and late at night, but if you do it, I'd be furious" that finally made me leave. Cause it felt like I couldnt communicate my concerns, where they were justified to be mentioned. I just simply felt like I was investing a lot of time and emotion, where I would just not get much in return.

She's a sweet girl, and I love her. Unfortunately it feels like its not enough when your feelings and respect are not being put into consideration.

@Chucky - A lot of people told me the same thing. However, I thought that by her honesty there was something to move forward with and not throw away the possibility of a good relationship. But all these things added together, really pushed me over the edge.

Esoteric_

dynex wrote: »

I think women can be great friends platonically. Like I said, if I thought there was possibility of cheating with these men, I wouldn't have bothered from the start. However the exes relationship ended a few months before we met. So her contact raised a flag, but I decided to move forward.

All of this started a month in, after she told me she blocked her ex. So obviously I was caught off guard thinking, she wants nothing to do with him - Where it then becomes, she's curious if he'll text her and she contacts him at 130am. But remember, I didnt end it right then, I trusted her and tried to make her understand my position.

I always tried to talk about issues rather than fight. I wanted her to understand that, a relationship with me would be about respecting both of our positions. So when I gave her the opportunity to speak about why she thought it was appropriate, I listened. When I gave my concerns, I was asked if I was done talking... And it was then swept under the rug.

It was, like you said, the hypocritical attitude, that "its ok for me to contact my ex, my co-worker all day and late at night, but if you do it, I'd be furious" that finally made me leave. Cause it felt like I couldnt communicate my concerns, where they were justified to be mentioned. I just simply felt like I was investing a lot of time and emotion, where I would just not get much in return.

She's a sweet girl, and I love her. Unfortunately it feels like its not enough when your feelings and respect are not being put into consideration.

@Chucky - A lot of people told me the same thing. However, I thought that by her honesty there was something to move forward with and not throw away the possibility of a good relationship. But all these things added together, really pushed me over the edge.

Ah. My apologies, I clearly didn't understand your posts fully at the start.

So she was fine at the start, and only started this non stop texting crap AFTER she supposedly blocked her ex? Yeah, that'd have me running for the hills too, so fair play for sticking it out.

Texting an ex just to see if they'll reply is downright weird tbh. Like I said, one of my exes is my best friend, but all potential boyfriends know that well in advance and have the choice to accept it or not. I don't go lying to them about my contact with him.

Adding it all up, it seems like she's just too immature for a proper, adult relationship. I love talking to my male and female friends, but I'd never text them rather than have a conversation with somebody who I love.

Sounds like you're better off without her, mate.

Chucky the tree

dynex wrote: »

@Chucky - A lot of people told me the same thing. However, I thought that by her honesty there was something to move forward with and not throw away the possibility of a good relationship. But all these things added together, really pushed me over the edge.

That's fair enough, wouldn't blame you for giving a chance the first time. I'd definitely be out now though. I think her constantly promising something and then breaking it doesn't show much respect for you as you already know. Her texting this work colleague is definitely very strange as well.

dynex

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Ah. My apologies, I clearly didn't understand your posts fully at the start.

So she was fine at the start, and only started this non stop texting crap AFTER she supposedly blocked her ex? Yeah, that'd have me running for the hills too, so fair play for sticking it out.

Texting an ex just to see if they'll reply is downright weird tbh. Like I said, one of my exes is my best friend, but all potential boyfriends know that well in advance and have the choice to accept it or not. I don't go lying to them about my contact with him.

Adding it all up, it seems like she's just too immature for a proper, adult relationship. I love talking to my male and female friends, but I'd never text them rather than have a conversation with somebody who I love.

Sounds like you're better off without her, mate.

@LyndaMcL - No worries, I figured I wasnt too clear, since it was a lot of info to cram in one post. And you couldnt have said it any better by saying "she's just too immature for a proper, adult relationship". That is exactly how I feel. And I know this will continue on and on if I would have stayed. Only now that I that I tell her enough is enough, that she says shell change.

Again thanks for your input guys. Its nice to get other opinions. At the end of the day, I knew my limits. Maybe for some its less or more, but I just didnt feel like she was "in love" with me. That she was more in love with the IDEA of me

dynex

Chucky the tree wrote: »

That's fair enough, wouldn't blame you for giving a chance the first time. I'd definitely be out now though. I think her constantly promising something and then breaking it doesn't show much respect for you as you already know. Her texting this work colleague is definitely very strange as well.

Ya promising a bunch of things and breaking them, doesn't really make me believe she can do it now that I left. Sad to say that I'm done with it, but how can you trust someone to devote themselves to you, if they dont respect you from day one?

Anyway, it is what it is. Hopefully she learns and grows and maybe the next guy that treats her right will be better off. I hope.