Letting the past ruin my life

MysticFrankie

Hi
Im with my fiance now about 9 years.
11 years ago my fiance had a one night stand , and a child was the result of this, my fiance tried to stand by the woman , but she had none of it and told him where to go and also said she wasnt sure was he the father.
She never contacted him , i got with my fiance and he was straight with me about everything, now the thing is since we got our house together , she has got onto all members of his family and has basically tried to ruin my life with my fiance.
I have fell out with my own family because of this.
His family have turned on us.
I am really at my wits end.
The woman is now married and had another child, and is well settled down.
I dont have kids as yet but im afraid if I do what kind of uproar will there be and i certainly dont want to bring a child into that agro.
Any advice i would appreciate it or if theres anyone else that might have or know sum1 that went thru the same id really love to hear.

ladygirl

Apologies but its hard to advise without all the information.

How has this woman managed to try ruin things between you and your fiance?
How has she managed to get you and your own family arguing?
Why have his family turned on you both?
Why has she left it 11 years to come forward with all this when she now has a family of her own?

The only way you can ever be 100% sure if the child is his is to request a DNA test.

MysticFrankie

No problem theres so much to it i didnt know where to start to put it all together,
Ok so firstly i was getting heaps of messages on a social networking site from her (ive been with my fiance 9 years) and never heard anything from her until we got our house ...
My fiances brother is often in the same town as where the woman lives and she is constantly bombarding them asking questions about me and my fiance. - again only since we got our house.
I never told my own family about my fiances past BUT the woman got onto them again via social networking site ... the area in which we all live are very close. - there has been no word from this woman until we moved into our home?!?...
His family have turned on us because they are sick of being harassed by the woman and i suppose they are blaming both myself and my partner , she has been writing them letters and to my fiances mam also.
thats my thoughts exactly , why has she left it so long , im thinking the same because she is happily married and the child is in a settled family.
a DNA test was never brought up - not that i know of anyways.

But how its ruining us is because my fiance is refusing to go ANYWHERE in case of bumping into people he doesnt want to bump into , but my thoughts are surely thats no way to live like a prisoner, its really stressing me out. I feel like we're not living like a "normal couple" and we're not doing things that we should be enjoying in life because of this history ....
As id love to start my own family with my fiance but how the hell can i with all this going on :-((( ..

daisybelle2008

OP it is hard to give objective advise as it is hard to understand what the full dynamic of the situation is.
It is very unusual that your partners family have turned against him. That does not really make sense unless they felt he is somehow not living up to his responsibilities to this child. Also that your fiances brother is 'constantly bombarded with questions' would indicate he is engaging in lengthy conversations with the woman for that to happen.
There seems to be something unclear about the whole situation.

MysticFrankie

Thanks for the reply but im not too sure how i can make it clearly , i totally agree with you on the fact that it seems he is engaging in lengthy conversations ......
His mam hasnt really turned on him , just the rest of the family and i think i would agree with you, the fact they might see he did not live up to responsibilities..
His sister has 3 sons , all who have a child with a woman they are not with and , my partners mam keeps getting the comment of how they are supporting this children.
Oh and another thing my fiance is the youngest of 4 and has a different father to the other 3 , he never knew his own dad and i think the family never really included him in much things ... like family events etc , we're always left out.

ladygirl

Oh OP I feel so sorry for you being in this situation.

I find it hard to see what this womans motivation is after so many years. She seems pretty spiteful to be writing letters to his mother and contacting others on social networking sites.

I think you have two choices

Ignore it completely - this includes your families ignoring her too. Block her from social networking sites, walk the other way when you see her etc. This however you will be doing for the rest of your life.

or

Address the issue - your fiance contacts the woman and asking her for a DNA test. If she declines you need to tell her to stay out of your life for good. (she may just be looking to cause drama but might back off once she's called out on it)
Should she agree your fiance needs to contact his Doctor to organise a test. You will then finally determine if the child is his or not.

If it is negative then this woman is out of your lives forever. If it is positive then you need to discuss with your fiance how he plans on dealing with this. -he may not want to have any part in the childs life however he will be liable for maintenance.

The second option as hard and awkward as it may be is the only option that may give you any closure. I feel if this issue is swept under the carpet it will haunt you for many years to come - so I think its best deal with it now than wait another 9 years.

Either way - best of luck to you OP. This is an unfortunate situation for you to be caught in. xx

MysticFrankie

It is a very awkward situation to be in to say the least, and i thank you for your support and sympathy.
I have a fair idea that my fiance is not going to want to have anything to do with the child as he tried at the very start and the woman simply pushed him away.
I think the fact that she heard we were living in a house so near the town and the fact i suppose she was a bit mad that my fiance got with me because she didnt come near us for years ...
She has caused alot of grief to say the least , like when she got onto my sister on a social networking site and when my sister found out she practically black mailed me into telling my own parents or she said she would tell them herself .. clearly when it wasnt her business , i think she always wanted to bring me down.
the child is now 11 , and my fiance always said the child is in a settled family , why would one wreck that ...
My head is fried and i know if we go with option 1 it will stay with us forever around this place :-(
But the worst of it is , i dont think my fiance sees what its after doing to me ,

daisybelle2008

MysticFrankie wrote: »

Thanks for the reply but im not too sure how i can make it clearly , i totally agree with you on the fact that it seems he is engaging in lengthy conversations ......
His mam hasnt really turned on him , just the rest of the family and i think i would agree with you, the fact they might see he did not live up to responsibilities..
His sister has 3 sons , all who have a child with a woman they are not with and , my partners mam keeps getting the comment of how they are supporting this children.
Oh and another thing my fiance is the youngest of 4 and has a different father to the other 3 , he never knew his own dad and i think the family never really included him in much things ... like family events etc , we're always left out.

OK well if his own family don't think he has lived up to his responsibility to this child and he doesn't want to leave home in case he 'bumps into people' well what is his position NOW regarding the child. Surely a DNA would quickly sort out the issue. It is unusual that his family have sided with the woman on this. You have 3rd hand information about this womans position. Surely as there is an undoubted possibility he is the father he would want to clear up support and evaluate access?

MysticFrankie

He hasnt seen the child since the child was born, the woman clearly cut him out of the picture , i know this as fact because when i was younger my friend was friendly with this woman and i heard it from her own mouth that my fiance wanted to get bk with her and stand by her but she was having none of it AND when i first started ever talkin to my now fiance we were friends first for ages, he always told me he was trying to get back with her.
I think he's afraid of confrontation in front of me perhaps i dont know.
I think there was some sort of arrangement between them, maybe that i dont know of , but why she is dragging it all up now i dont know.

CarMe

Has your partner supported this woman financially for bringing up his child single handedly? Have you encouraged him to have a relationship with the child?
If paternity is a question then doing a dna test is very important.

Emme

OP, are you sure he had just a one night stand with her?

ash23

Just get him to get in touch with the mother stating he wants a DNA test. Once the results are in, either the child is his and he then has to get the finger out and start providing for the child and trying to build a relationship with it. Or the child is not his, the woman has no grounds for complaint and his family won't have a reason to be hard on him.

It really is the only way to sort it out.