I'm scared that my boyfriend will cheat on me... HELP!

aatlc18

Basically, my boyfriend started university in September at Leeds Met (uk) and we're originally from Birmingham (uk) where I still live. We had been together for about 7 months when he left and before he did he told me that he would prefer us to break up and just be friends as he didn't want to have to worry about what he was doing and what I would think etc..
Obviously I was gutted and was still calling/texting him crying and begging him to get back with me, he told me that he still loved me but didn't think a LDR would work. I was pissing him off by contacting him constantly and he would refuse to talk to me. After about three days I stopped and was just texting him every now and then seeing if he was ok etc. The weekend after he left, he came home again as it was his friends birthday. He asked to see me and so I agreed and he told me that he wanted me back as he missed me and wanted me to be in his life. As you can imagine I was ecstatic. A week after that I got a Facebook message from his flat mate at uni, she told me that they had slept together. We wasn't together when it happened (she thought we were that's why she told me) but he did it three days after he broke up with me, it happened TWICE and then he got back with me three days later. I chose to stay with him as he didn't actually cheat and he said it made him realise that he didn't want anyone else but it still really hurt me! I didn't think he would do that to me. he said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. We have resolved everything and have to decided to work at our relationship but I am so so so so scared that he will actually cheat on me and I might never know, he always says that he won't and that he doesn't want anybody else but I can't help myself, I'm starting to get really obsessed with it and I know it's unhealthy. I love him so so much and I know he loves me although he isn't very good at showing his feeling but I think that's just a man thing. He does tell me he loves me and whenever we plan to see eachother he never cancels. He introduced me to his uni friends and stuff. Can someone please help me put my mind at ease or give me opinions on what you would do/think?

Also as he's at uni he goes out often which makes me worry, I would never stop him from going out but it would be so easy for him to cheat!

(BTW the girl he slept with has moved out of his flat now, so that's not a worry)

sorry about the Essay!

ladygirl

OP I really think you should focus on building your own confidence at the moment as I do not think you are mature enough to be in a relationship.

Why would you ring him crying and begging him to take you back?? This is emotional blackmail and no matter how hard you try - you CANNOT force someone to be with you if they choose not to.

You found out that he has slept with someone else and have decided to forgive him.. Your main concern now is wondering will he cheat again - If i were in your position I would be more concerned about my health and whether I had contracted any sexual transmitted diseases from him.

He does not treat you right and you are assuming that this is a "man thing" - No it is not

You are now worrying yourself about if he will cheat on a night out. You cannot control if this will or wont happen. If there is no trust in a relationship then you really are wasting your time.

You said you have started college - why do you not spend your time enjoying this new chapter in your life instead of worrying about things you cannot control. My advice to you would be to remain single and focus on building your confidence as from your post you come across as an extremely insecure, needy and obsessive person.

aatlc18

ladygirl wrote: »

OP I really think you should focus on building your own confidence at the moment as I do not think you are mature enough to be in a relationship.

Why would you ring him crying and begging him to take you back?? This is emotional blackmail and no matter how hard you try - you CANNOT force someone to be with you if they choose not to.

You found out that he has slept with someone else and have decided to forgive him.. Your main concern now is wondering will he cheat again - If i were in your position I would be more concerned about my health and whether I had contracted any sexual transmitted diseases from him.

He does not treat you right and you are assuming that this is a "man thing" - No it is not

You are now worrying yourself about if he will cheat on a night out. You cannot control if this will or wont happen. If there is no trust in a relationship then you really are wasting your time.

You said you have started college - why do you not spend your time enjoying this new chapter in your life instead of worrying about things you cannot control. My advice to you would be to remain single and focus on building your confidence as from your post you come across as an extremely insecure, needy and obsessive person.

How does this make me needy? Obviously I have a reason to not trust him as much as I did. If it was as simple as me just breaking up with him I wouldn't be asking for advice. I don't want that, I want to fix the way I feel and I want my relationship to work. I am a confident person and I am definatley mature enough to be in a relationship thankyou. Don't be so patronising, Also, my sexual health isn't a concern of yours, I think I've got that covered all on my own :O

If you read my post properly you will know that he didn't CHEAT on me.

To anyone else, what I'm asking is how can I start to trust him properly again? Should I be worried that he will cheat?

woodchuck

Sorry, but it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He was upfront with you a while back saying he wanted to break up. Obviously he feels he can't stay committed to you if he was thinking about hooking up with other girls even then!

I think you just need to draw a line under this one and move on.

Forever Hopeful

aatlc18 wrote: »

How does this make me needy? Obviously I have a reason to not trust him as much as I did. If it was as simple as me just breaking up with him I wouldn't be asking for advice. I don't want that, I want to fix the way I feel and I want my relationship to work. I am a confident person and I am definatley mature enough to be in a relationship thankyou. Don't be so patronising, Also, my sexual health isn't a concern of yours, I think I've got that covered all on my own :O

If you read my post properly you will know that he didn't CHEAT on me.

To anyone else, what I'm asking is how can I start to trust him properly again? Should I be worried that he will cheat?

Op,
You say above he didn't cheat on you so why don't you trust him? You are contradicting yourself.
Fact is he broke up with you, slept with someone shortly after, twice, then came back to you.
To give due respect to the previous poster, anyone who bombards an ex crying and begging to be taken back is not maturity.
You are asking how to stop feeling insecure... Only you can. No amount of assurance from anyone can stop you thinking that he might cheat. You have to TRUST him. Trust means believing your bf only has eyes for you eventhough you don't see him daily. That's the confidence and maturity.
Seeking constant reassurance from others makes you needy.
Life is wasted worrying about what may happen that you have no control over. Do you want to live like that?

DeltaWhite

I hate to say this OP but answer me this: Can you honestly forget all about what he did and move on and trust him completely?

I know very little people that can truly answer that question with a totally honest answer and it looks to me like you wont be able to do the above It is always going to play on your mind.

My best advice is to get on with your life, let him get on with his. If you are truly meant to be, you will end up with each other again.


You cant live your life like this!! I know you said he didnt cheat on you as you were broken up, but in fairness he made the decision to sleep with someone else even though it was just finished with you and then he changes his mind when he's back home. Convenient eh?? If I were you, I'd be gone like a light!

Meauldsegosha

aatlc18 wrote: »

If you read my post properly you will know that he didn't CHEAT on me.

To anyone else, what I'm asking is how can I start to trust him properly again? Should I be worried that he will cheat?

If he didn't cheat on you why don't you trust him?

Merkin

Hon I think you really need to rip off this particular plaster.

He tried to break up with you and you were unable to accept it and by dragging it out and fooling yourself that all is fine is only delaying the inevitable heartache further. He tried to break up with you. You refused to accept it. He slept with someone two days afterwards (twice), then came home, fancied a bit of action with you and decided to reconcile. But for how long? Until he wants to sleep with another girl and then dumps you again? Then to reconcile with you again when he fancies some company over the Christmas holidays? Do you see where I am coming from?

You have my sympathy because it is very painful to be dumped by someone who you thought loved you but I would never, EVER beg and plead and hound someone to get back with me - you're humiliating yourself and ultimately not accepting what is happening. The fact you have posted here about trust surely shows you that you know it's not right? If I were you I would sever contact and move on with my own life without him as I think it's quite clear you're setting yourself up for a fall otherwise

westies4ever

ladygirl wrote: »

OP I really think you should focus on building your own confidence at the moment as I do not think you are mature enough to be in a relationship.

Why would you ring him crying and begging him to take you back?? This is emotional blackmail and no matter how hard you try - you CANNOT force someone to be with you if they choose not to.

You found out that he has slept with someone else and have decided to forgive him.. Your main concern now is wondering will he cheat again - If i were in your position I would be more concerned about my health and whether I had contracted any sexual transmitted diseases from him.

He does not treat you right and you are assuming that this is a "man thing" - No it is not

You are now worrying yourself about if he will cheat on a night out. You cannot control if this will or wont happen. If there is no trust in a relationship then you really are wasting your time.

You said you have started college - why do you not spend your time enjoying this new chapter in your life instead of worrying about things you cannot control. My advice to you would be to remain single and focus on building your confidence as from your post you come across as an extremely insecure, needy and obsessive person.

An extremely sensible post. Sorry if the truth hurts OP.

AnonoBoy

The classic 'going to college' conundrum.

90% of couples that I know who were separated by one or both of them going to college ended up splitting up.

It's the time that people change the most, meet loads of new people and go out partying the most. It's inevitable that things will happen and only those who are truly in it for the long haul will survive being apart for these years.

I think for both of you it'd be better to end this sooner rather than later. He's already slept with someone else and you (despite what you may think) will meet similar temptation down the road.

ShaShaBear

As other posters said, if he did not cheat, then you have no reason not to trust him.
You don't trust him, so I feel you do think he cheated on you, and are just vocalising a technicality on when you were and were not together.
He made it very, very clear that he did not want to be in a relationship - he definitely wanted to be single to sleep with other people and not have to worry about how it might affect you. He couldn't have been more clear on that.
You made a pretty big fool out of yourself begging him to take you back (although understandable) and now, more than likely, he's realised you'll stay in a relationship with him and he can do whatever he likes.
Fact is, there is nothing stopping him from sleeping with anyone at uni and then using you as the holiday life-raft. The fact that he wanted to break up with you to spare you from his single life shows that he fully intended on having fun at uni. Now you've put yourself and him in an awful position where both of you are going to be concerned about the consequences of him sleeping with someone else. And that won't go away in this situation.