My Mother's Husband

LegacyUser

My mother's husband has made my life very difficult for over a decade. Since they got together, my relationship with my mother has been strained and in order to maintain some semblance of a normal relationship with her, I have had to put my negative feelings about him aside over the years. Basically I try and avoid him as much as possible due to some things he said to me a long time ago that are simply unforgivable. She took his side at the time too. I had to forgive her (she's my mother after all) but see no reason why I should forgive him.

I try to make things easier on myself by avoiding his company as much as possible, but this means not seeing my mother much (they live abroad too, which doesn't help). I've stood up for myself in the past and tried to make my feelings about him clear (in a very diplomatic way) whenever I feel she is making unreasonable requests that I should meet him for some reason or spend time with him. Whenever I'm honest with her, however, she explodes and says how 'disappointed he would be that I feel this way'. I don't give a damn how he feels obviously - I just want to preserve my relationship with her.

Anyway they came to visit recently (actually I feel I was tricked into it, as I did not know he was coming at first, and then I thought he was only coming for a few hours) and I feel so stressed after the whole experience. He's the weirdest person I've ever met (it is definitely NOT all in my head - others were commenting on it too!) and is a social liability (ie capable of all kinds of strange behaviour when out and about). I can ignore him to a degree, but the worst part is my mother becomes almost a different person when he's around and spends the whole time minding him and making sure he's looked after.

The thing is, I'm getting married soon and while I now accept he'll be coming to the event, I want him to have no part in the day and I certainly don't want him at the top table or anything like that (seating arrangements might be a nightmare...). I'd be embarrassed to be associated with him, but hopefully he'll blend into the crowd?!

So my dilemma is: should I say something to my mother? I would like her to be focussed on me for the day and not taken up entirely with her idiot husband. It upsets me to think she might well be paying him more attention than he deserves, especially on my day. My relationship with my mother is so difficult. We get along well when she's alone, but it's like her whole life has become about him. She's like his minder. He has no idea how good he has it, but he'd never survive on his own - he the kind of person who's socially awkward and very odd, as well as being utterly impractical in every way. She seems to have accepted her lot, but I find it so stressful having to have him in my life at all, and I feel like I can't say anything to her without having to spend months in counselling dealing with the fall-out of her anger afterwards.

It makes me so sad and angry. I feel like he's taken my mother away from my siblings and myself. She doesn't seem to see it though.

fatmammycat

guest12345678 wrote: »

My mother's husband has made my life very difficult for over a decade. Since they got together, my relationship with my mother has been strained and in order to maintain some semblance of a normal relationship with her, I have had to put my negative feelings about him aside over the years. Basically I try and avoid him as much as possible due to some things he said to me a long time ago that are simply unforgivable. She took his side at the time too. I had to forgive her (she's my mother after all) but see no reason why I should forgive him.

I try to make things easier on myself by avoiding his company as much as possible, but this means not seeing my mother much (they live abroad too, which doesn't help). I've stood up for myself in the past and tried to make my feelings about him clear (in a very diplomatic way) whenever I feel she is making unreasonable requests that I should meet him for some reason or spend time with him. Whenever I'm honest with her, however, she explodes and says how 'disappointed he would be that I feel this way'. I don't give a damn how he feels obviously - I just want to preserve my relationship with her.

Anyway they came to visit recently (actually I feel I was tricked into it, as I did not know he was coming at first, and then I thought he was only coming for a few hours) and I feel so stressed after the whole experience. He's the weirdest person I've ever met (it is definitely NOT all in my head - others were commenting on it too!) and is a social liability (ie capable of all kinds of strange behaviour when out and about). I can ignore him to a degree, but the worst part is my mother becomes almost a different person when he's around and spends the whole time minding him and making sure he's looked after.

The thing is, I'm getting married soon and while I now accept he'll be coming to the event, I want him to have no part in the day and I certainly don't want him at the top table or anything like that (seating arrangements might be a nightmare...). I'd be embarrassed to be associated with him, but hopefully he'll blend into the crowd?!

So my dilemma is: should I say something to my mother? I would like her to be focussed on me for the day and not taken up entirely with her idiot husband. It upsets me to think she might well be paying him more attention than he deserves, especially on my day. My relationship with my mother is so difficult. We get along well when she's alone, but it's like her whole life has become about him. She's like his minder. He has no idea how good he has it, but he'd never survive on his own - he the kind of person who's socially awkward and very odd, as well as being utterly impractical in every way. She seems to have accepted her lot, but I find it so stressful having to have him in my life at all, and I feel like I can't say anything to her without having to spend months in counselling dealing with the fall-out of her anger afterwards.

It makes me so sad and angry. I feel like he's taken my mother away from my siblings and myself. She doesn't seem to see it though.

Imagine for a moment your mother tried to ignore your future husband and resented the time and relationship you have with him, imagine if- for example- at upcoming important family event she attempted to exclude him or make him unimportant. How would that make you feel?
This man is your mother's husband, her lover, her friend, her partner. You don't have to like him, but you ought to respect her enough to be aware that although he is not your choice, he IS hers.

LegacyUser

op from what you have said here he doesnt seem that bad. has he got social anxiety? or mental health issues? is it possible you attidute to him is making him even more uncorftable?

IrishEyes19

it's going to be very difficult not to include him at the top table, OP. Sure you can do that, its your day. but how are you going to explain it. where can you seat him ect. without causing a rift between you and your Mam.

LegacyUser

I think you're being a little hasty Fatmammycat. This isn't just some guy I happen to dislike - this is a guy that has behaved abominably towards me personally in the past and has never apologised for it. I think I've been more than reasonable towards him over the years, given the circumstances. And I've done this for her sake, not his.

Also, I just allowed him stay in my home for a weekend, despite the fact I can't stand the sight of him and he has said I can't stay in his home on previous occasions. Again, I did this for her, not him.

Never mind. I thought people might have more consideration for personal feelings on this forum. I didn't post on here to feel worse than I already do.

Thanks Irisheyes. Maybe the best thing is not to have a top table at all! But the issue is more that he could end up taking up all her attention for the day.

looksee

No, don't say anything to your mother.

You could work round the situation: for example - ask your mother to walk you down the aisle. Organise a very small top table, with just you and hubby, best man and bridesmaid. Then you can legitimately put mum and step-dad on another table. Let it be known that you don't want a lot of speeches (no-one will mind!) so that step-dad can't relieve your mother of the responsibility of making a speech.

Now of course the down side of this is that your fiance's parents will not be at the top table either, so you will have to negotiate that carefully. Also if your mother is busy minding her husband she is not going to give you the attention you want from her anyway.

Or you could go away and have a very private wedding somewhere else, then have a more casual party when you get back.

You have to decide do you want a conventional wedding, in which case there is no real alternative to having her husband involved, or if you are going to do something completely different with the aim of keeping him out. Its going to be very difficult to have her without him and you could completely alienate your mother in the process.

These things rarely turn out as badly as you expect, and you have to credit people with knowing the difference between you and him. And except for the speeches, who pays any attention to what is happening at the top table? There is often some totally odd person at a wedding, and honestly, people don't immediately say - oh the bride must be very strange to have that oddity at the wedding, its just the doubtful blessing of having relatives!

Let your mother have both her hubby and your day, you might damage all communication with her if you try and cut him out of it.

username123

I think the biggest issue here is your continued attempts to maintain a relationship with your mother while avoiding him. I understand that you dont like him, but he is your mothers partner, so you should at least try to accept them - as a couple. Its silly to say that he is socially odd and you would be embarrassed to be associated with him, it is only your own behaviour that you can be responsible for and should feel any embarrassment over.

And so what if she minds him, their relationship is their own business.

I feel bad for you to be suffering so much negative emotion in relation to this man and his marriage with your mother, its really not a healthy state of affairs - for you. You seem to be in a kind of tug of war with your mother when Im sure she would prefer you to accept her husband.

If you absolutely cannot accept him (Id be interested to know what was said that you consider so unforgivable - not to pry but to objectively assess if it was really so terrible or made more terrible in your mind because of your dislike for him), then perhaps you need to think about cutting down on trying to spend time with your mother because you are causing both yourself and her upset and frustration?

Have you thought about actually trying to clear the air with the husband?

At the end of the day, its her marriage, I am sure you would not accept any outside judgements on your own marriage and no doubt would side with your husband in a family dispute (I would hope so anyway).

Best of luck, its not a nice situation.

ABajaninCork

OP, I wouldn't bother with a 'top table' at all. Go Posh Spice stylee and have a sweetheart table with just you and your hubby.

You can have your mother and her hubby 'host' a table nearby (with their friends and relatives who DO get on with him), and do the same with your fiance's parents. You BM's and Best Man can act as 'floating hosts'.

You'll be so busy on the day, I doubt you'll even notice he's there.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Big Bag of Chips

OP - you may not agree with or even like some replies you get, but you do need to keep in mind that people are taking time out of the lives to help you by replying to your issue.

You can accept or reject any advice that you don't deem valid to your particular situation. Personal Issues is heavily moderated, and all replies are expected to be kept civil.

If anyone has an issue with a post or poster, please use the 'Report Post' function and the moderators will look in to it.

Thanks,
Big Bag of Chips

LegacyUser

Ugh, been through this with my mother in laws boyfriend.
He's an ignorant pig. Regularly came home drunk and verbally and sometimes physically abused my husband and his brother when they were teenagers.
Their mother did nothing about it and just made excuses for him and then got angry with the kids for not instantly forgiving the scumbag and making her life easy. They fled the family home as soon as they were old enough.
Anyway, as angry as I was about this, I had to stay out of their family dynamic and mind my own business. But it wasnt long before he turned on me and I got a barrage of abuse and threats.
Of course I was just expected to forget all about it too even though I was "banned" from their home for over a year.
I had concerns for our wedding too. Didn't want the asshole anywhere near my top table or my family but I couldnt voice that opinion at all. So he was placed at the top table.
The day before the wedding he decided he wouldn't come to the wedding. Happy days I thought. But oh he showed up for his free meal alright, didn't even bother putting on a shirt or tie.
Anyway then he fecked off to the residents bar and kept the hell out of everyones way until the early hours when he picked a fight with one of my other in laws.
Thankfully all of my guests were in bed by that point. But what the hotel must have thought of us!!

I think for you and I'm sorry to say this, your mother is never gonna be the mother you want her to be. It's not fair but if I were you I wouldn't have her at the top table. Just have bridesmaids and groomsmen. Don't involve her or expect her attention, maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised, maybe your man won't bother coming if he dislikes you as much
My husband and I wasted too much time worrying about this crap coming up to our wedding. His mum was no support to him on his wedding day and I knew it would be like that. If we were doing it again we'd be a lot more relaxed and just leave everyone around us do whatever they wanted
Weddings bring out the best and worst in people
Sorry I havent better advice for ya but you're not alone.

LegacyUser

At my cousins wedding recently his dads wife whose he's been with for nearly 10 years but who doesnt really get on with either of my cousins didn't sit at the main table. She sat at a table next to it with her sister and some family and friends she does get on with. I don't think anyone really noticed TBH, no clue if there was issue before the wedding over the seating but I didn't hear of any fall outs as a result. Just tell your mum the seating plan, don't make a big deal out if it and see what happens. She'll either not be bothered or insist on sitting with him in which case sit them point at the next table to the main table.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

I think the biggest issue here is your continued attempts to maintain a relationship with your mother while avoiding him. I understand that you dont like him, but he is your mothers partner, so you should at least try to accept them - as a couple. Its silly to say that he is socially odd and you would be embarrassed to be associated with him, it is only your own behaviour that you can be responsible for and should feel any embarrassment over.

And so what if she minds him, their relationship is their own business.

I feel bad for you to be suffering so much negative emotion in relation to this man and his marriage with your mother, its really not a healthy state of affairs - for you. You seem to be in a kind of tug of war with your mother when Im sure she would prefer you to accept her husband.

If you absolutely cannot accept him (Id be interested to know what was said that you consider so unforgivable - not to pry but to objectively assess if it was really so terrible or made more terrible in your mind because of your dislike for him), then perhaps you need to think about cutting down on trying to spend time with your mother because you are causing both yourself and her upset and frustration?

Have you thought about actually trying to clear the air with the husband?

At the end of the day, its her marriage, I am sure you would not accept any outside judgements on your own marriage and no doubt would side with your husband in a family dispute (I would hope so anyway).

Best of luck, its not a nice situation.

Lots of good points raised here! I'm not going to go into the details of what happened. I have been over it many times with various counselors and therapists over the years and it's not going to change.

I don't think it's fair to say I don't accept him. I know he's going nowhere and I have had to accept their relationship, no matter what I think of it. But accepting their relationship does not mean I have to welcome him into my home. Especially when he tried to bar me from my own as a teenager.

As for cutting down spending time with my mother, I only see her once or twice a year as it is. They moved abroad ten years ago.

I failed to mention that my father and his wife will also be at the wedding, so there's no question of any speeches from the mother's partner! Ha!

To be honest, we've all (including my mother herself) thought that her husband is autistic and that's why he has such strange mannerisms, lack of respect for societal rules and lack of empathy. That's also why he requires so much looking after, for a grown man in full health.

Thank you for all your replies. I think there are various options there for the 'top table' thing. It won't be a conventional wedding anyway, so I suppose we can just keep the top table to the bride, groom, BMs and Groomsmen only.

I didn't realise it would be so difficult to talk about this and be judged on it, but thanks for taking time out to give advice anyway.

Moderator, could you lock this thread now please?

LegacyUser

''I would like her to be focussed on me for the day and not taken up entirely with her idiot husband. It upsets me to think she might well be paying him more attention than he deserves, especially on my day. My relationship with my mother is so difficult. We get along well when she's alone, but it's like her whole life has become about him. She's like his minder. He has no idea how good he has it, but he'd never survive on his own - he the kind of person who's socially awkward and very odd, as well as being utterly impractical in every way. She seems to have accepted her lot, but I find it so stressful having to have him in my life at all.''

op, i've quoted the above paragraph of your post because i think you should read it again.

i know this guy has hurt you in the past with whatever he said to you, and i know you've done your best to forgive your mother for taking his side over yours, but when i read that paragraph i don't really see a daughter who has her mother's best interests at heart.

i see someone who's so jealous she's throwing the dummy out of the pram because despite you disliking him, she's happy with him. just because YOU think he's an idiot, doesn't mean you have the right to be mad or upset at her for NOT thinking he's an idiot.

of course you want your mum to fuss over you on your wedding day, that's natural. but at the end of the day he's her husband, she loves him and he deserves her attention too. that's also natural. do whatever you need to do on the day to avoid him and try and not let the resentment eat you up before then.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread closed at OP's request.