Married-but living apart, what to do?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. But would love some sound advice.

Basically myself and my husband are married three years, but have had to live apart for all but three months of that three years, due to lack of work in our area and mortgage commitments.

He was abroad for nearly two years where he moved around a lot and I only got to see him every 3-6 months for two weeks at a time. Then for the last year and a half he has been working in Dublin where he only gets home at weekends (we live in the bottom of the south east). He stays with family during the week near Dublin so thankfully doesn't have to pay rent.

In the mean time I'm working in retail here in the south east (am also not from here, from Monaghan originally). But we bought a house here in 2008 just before thins crashed and are currently paying off a 300k mortgage on a house worth 160k.

Our mortgage is approx 1k a month and if we were to rent the house out we would get max 700 for it, but that would mean we would also have to pay rent in Dublin if we moved into an apartment up there.

Unfortunately there are no jobs in my husbands field here in the south east so I honestly don't know how many more years we're going to have to live apart .

I miss him so much and just don't know what to do. I know it's better than not seeing him at all, but we would have like to start a family at some stage but that's not really feasible when he's not around during the week.

Should we try to rent our house out & we rent in Dublin, or do we try and sell, and buy in a commuter belt, adding on whatever the shortfall is on our current mortgage? I don't even know if the banks will let us, and we don't want to lose our tracker mortgage.

Neyite

Op, let a mod know if you would like this moved to Accommodation and Property, it may suit you better.

LegacyUser

Well I suppose I'm looking for relationship advice too.
Are there any other couples out there who are in a similar situation? How long have ye been in you situation and do u think ye could do it long term (I.e for more than 5 -6 years)?

Also how do ye cope etc, and lastly have ye looked into moving to be closer together and how did ye go about it?

LegacyUser

Hi mods, if this doesn't get any replies can you move it to accommodation & property? I genuinely would like some advice. Thanks so much.

Rachineire

I couldn't live apart from my husband personally. In fact I moved to Ireland to be with him and left career and life back home to start all over. The way I see it is life is short and time is precious and I would rather spend it with the person I love and be happy. Money is and can be stressful, but is it worth it to keep you and your OH apart? There are always solutions...while money would be tighter if you lived together (losing money on rent/mortgage) would you be happier?
Everyone is different and I know what was best for me and my husband but I hope this helps!

Big Bag of Chips

Can you afford the 1K a month on the mortgage?

If you could get €700 to rent your own house, then you would have to make up the other €300.. that would give you €700 to rent in Dublin. It's been a while since I rented in Dublin - but would €700 get you a 1 bedroom apartment, just for the time being? Even if you started a family immediately a 1 bedroom apartment would still be enough for you for about 2 years.

You obviously got married to be together - otherwise you would have just stayed "going out". It must be very difficult on a relationship to not be able to be together.

Have you both really tried everything to move this on? Have you sat down with your husband and exhausted every option you can think of? He won't get work here - but you should be able to get a job in retail in Dublin? It's looking like you won't be able to live together in your own home, for the time being anyway - so your only other option is for you to move to Dublin.

I think you both need to sit down together and talk this through - for as long as it takes to come to a decision. You are miserable, and in a limbo at the moment.

Edit: Your husband also needs to think about the people he is currently staying with... Even if it is family, and no matter how accomodating they are, people can outstay a welcome after a while.

fungun

If it was me, I wouldnt be happy so Id be trying to either (a) you move to dublin or (b) buy a house in somewhere south wicklow or wherever that may be commutable from both areas - the southeast is not *that* far away....it would drive me mad that my partner was that close yet i wasnt seeing him at all. Option (c) of course is that he stays up there sometimes but sometimes commutes....some people commute for longer distances/times than that.

If you could buy a place for, say, 200k, then you could kind of use the rent from the 300k place to pay of the 200k place and have it that your money is paying the mortage for the 300k place (if that makes sense!)

If its really making you unhappy, then you have options....its just a bit of hassle to implement them but should be worth it i think.

Carriexx

SO you would have to add €300 to your mortgage if you rented out? But you would be living with your husband, no brainer to me! You both work, so there should be enough income to rent somewhere - even outside town. I would go for it completely. Your marriage is important, the most important thing I would think!

Merkin

You know what? Life is short and it is certainly way too short to be still relatively newlywed and not to have spent any time together at length as a couple. It's not good for your relationship and suggesting that this could be the case for another five or six years is not sustainable or good for your marriage. If you need to move mountains to be together then so be it.

I'd start applying for jobs in Dublin asap and also start looking at renting out the house before you find a one-bedroom place together in Dublin. With the cost of fuel these days, not having to make that return journey from Dublin - Wexford every week will make a difference financially anyway so the shortfall won't be as significant as you might think.

And while it may mean having to tighten your belts, I do think it's a small sacrifice on the grand scheme of things if it actually means being with one another and enjoying married life together and all it has to offer.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies every one. Will have to sit down and have a proper chat with him. And see what our options are and where we go from here.