Need some help

Maura74

I am looking for ideas for a Christmas present for my granddaughters age 11 and 13. My son wife suggested that I purchase the an ipad each give them the money so she and her mother would be able to purchase it from me and her parents. My DiL has 2 parents and one has a good pension and the other works with a pension. I am also a pensioner and on my own. I feel that it is not fair for me to give half of the cost and the other grandparents give the same. DiL got annoyed when I said I wanted to buy something just me and not to share it with her parents and said that I should buy all of them myself, was I been unreasonable.

I did suggest to them that I would pay £100 and her parent could pay the same each, but this was not accepted and I was told that I should buy my own present for them.

I feel really mean now for making that suggestion.

Still do not know what to buy and I was thinking of purchasing them a 'pay as you go' credit card from Orange. Is this a good idea. Helppppppppppp

Big Bag of Chips

I think you DIL is being very cheeky asking ANYONE for an iPad!


What does your son say about this?

I would be inclined to give both girls €20/£20 in a card (only if you can afford it). At that age they like getting money so they can go shopping themselves.

What will you expected to buy for their 18s? Cars?

ABajaninCork

If the parents want iPads for their kids, then they should buy them themselves! What is wrong with some people? You're not made of money...

I think the DiL's got more front than Southend!! I agree with BBOC. Give them £20-£30 each and that's the end of it.

And NO!! I wouldn't buy the kids credit cards either. Same thing applies. If the parents want this for the kids, then buy it themselves.

Bleeding cheek of some people

CaraMay

Oh my god the cheek of her.... Give what you can afford.

Where is your son in all of this? He should not be allowing his wife bribe you like this

edellc

Can you be my granny....as either way that's a lot of money to spend on an 11 and 13 yr old...makes me think pensioners should be hit in budget if you have that much disposable income

Back to the issue, if you don't want to go halves on the present then you shouldn't have asked what to get the kids in the first place as its clear you had something in mind anyway

Remember its not about what you want its about the children so if I were you I'd suck it up this year pay half the money and nxt yr don't bother asking what they want just get them what you think is right

LegacyUser

I always got cash from my grandparents for xmas and birthdays. They've about 9 grandkids and we all got cash [£20 when kids going up to 50euro when late teens] I still get 50euro each Christmas from them as do all the grandkids but we had a sit down with them and told them to stop giving us money for birthdays as the youngest grandchild is 21. We couldn't talk them out of giving us money at Xmas though.

I think spending more then 50euro per grandchild is madness. Utter cheek of your DIL to ask for Ipads....seriously WTF! As others said what are going to buy next year? A pony each? A car? What did you get them in pervious years OP? I would set a standard now - X amount cash each and when they a little older maybe consider increasing that amount by 10 or 20 euro but honestly think 50 is the cut off for grandparents and only if you can afford it.

DeltaWhite

Is she having a laugh?? Tell her to get down off that pedestal and be realistic. In my family we would be HORRIFIED to suggest anything like that. If she has a problem with you not being able to afford such a ridiculous amount then she'll just have to suck it up and get over it.


Put money in a card for them, or get them a gift that isnt crazy expensive.

She does know about the current economic climate right???? Still cant get over someone expecting something like that for a child in the times we are in.

CaraMay

DeltaWhite wrote: »

She does know about the current economic climate right???? Still cant get over someone expecting something like that for a child in the times we are in.

Well it doesnt matter what she spends on her own kids if she has the money but its not right asking others to fund her extravagances.

DeltaWhite

CaraMay wrote: »

Well it doesnt matter what she spends on her own kids if she has the money but its not right asking others to fund her extravagances.

Yep.. that's exactly what I meant above!

tinkerbell

OMG OP, I cannot believe the absolute crassness of your daughter in law. An iPad is €400 at least! And she wants you to buy two? I wouldn't even be getting them one, nevermind one each. That is far too much to expect you as their nana to spend, ffs!

I would buy them something small or give them a few bob in a card, no more than €30-€40.

Lollipops23

OP your DIL is waaay out of line- first in asking you to pitch in for such an OTT gift for 2 kids (even for adults it's pretty out there) and secondly for making you split it 50/50 with her folks, especially when she knows your situation.

Make sure your son knows his wife is being such a wagon, she's so rude and inconsiderate. Hope your granddaughters grow up better than her.

Maura74

Thank everyone for helpful replies, DiL gets most of it from her background ie her parents, whcih are very controlling indeed. Everything has to be agreed with them first, DiL cannot or does not have the confidence to make decisions on her own, without first discussing it with the rest of her family mainly her parents and sister. Her sister is the same with her MiL.

All their holidays are planned by my DiL parents and all the family has to go with them for their summer holidays in July every year with all sharing the cost it between them equally. Her parents especially the mother wants to still control her family. I paid for a very expensive holiday in Florida for my grandchildren and son and DiL April time about 2 years ago, cost over 8K, when we got back from that holiday, I was asked to dog sit for her dog later that same year as they were going on their summer holiday with her parent and all her family. While they were away on that holiday their neighbour said hello to me during a conversation with them over the garden fence apparently DiL told them that that she would never go holiday with me again. I did not say anything to my son or his wife about that because I though it was not nice of her neighbour to tell me that if it was said to them by my DiL. I felt like telling her neighbour that my DiL need not worry about that as I would not pay for anymore holidays for her. I do not mind paying for my grandchildren or my son but DiL 'no'. Her parents spoiled that one and only holiday that I had with my grandchildren due to DiL rowing all the way through the holiday with my son. I later found out that her parents said that I would not be able to go on any of the rides with them and I would spoiled the the holiday for them, I felt they did not want me to go with them either, what a selfish pair they are indeed.

I did not say anything to my son about his wife telling his neigbours that she would never go on holiday with me again as he would have to live with the consequences of it.

I think I will give grandchildren money in a card and hope my DiL will not take to spend it herself. Last year DiL asked for money for xmas present to go towards a piano for my grandchild which I gave but no piano tuned up as yet. I also remember giving money toward horse riding lessons for both of my grandchildren birthdays, but grandchildren did not get any riding lesson either. It look like DiL is keeping the money herself and that is why I think it would be better to give something that DiL cannot take for her to spend. I am now thinking about opening a saving accounts for both of my grandchildren presents for Christmas. I am dreading Christmas time as it will be all about her family and it gets oppressive during the day with all of them there.

Would like to hear if other poster has ever encounter similar with with their in laws and how they dealt with it.

ABajaninCork

Your son's wife and in-laws sound like a real piece of work. If the DiL taking money intended for the kids is true, then I think it is outrageous!! How DARE she??

Did you ever ask your son about the piano and horse-riding lessons? I most certainly would. You are entitled to ask about that at least.

As for going on a holiday paid for by you, not being 'allowed' to go on the rides, and to top it all being accused of spoiling their holiday?? Bang of out order, and I would have said something whilst there, never mind bottling it up!! Who the **** do these people think they are? I wouldn't mind betting that you paid for everybody to go...

Time for Sonny Boy to speak up I think, and stop these people controlling his family. He needs to man the **** up.

I think the suggestion of a savings account for the kids is an excellent one. I would open up the accounts in the children's names as well as your own with the proviso that you countersign any withdrawals until they're 18. Either that or buy vouchers for Primark or something so that they can go shopping with their friends.

If the DiL asks for the iPad money? Tell her to get it from her parents. Cheeky mare.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, My mil asks me and my husband what the children would like for Christmas every year. Even though I fantasize about asking everybody to pool their money to buy something that the kids would use over a long period, I NEVER dare do it, because I had thought about how that would make people feel and I concluded that I would be backing people into a corner that they would find difficult to come out of. My mil and I have our ups and downs, but I do respect her for standing up for herself when she feels she needs to, because I may not ALWAYS see things from her point of view.

There is a toy called a leap pad €100 it is a kids version of the ipad. I am not suggesting you buy this, cos I think €100 is a lot of money to be paying out, just letting you know about it.

ifElseThen

The bank account idea is a good one.
Given that your DiL is keeping the money to herself, buy the children vouchers for Smyths Toys or One4All vouchers. Max €40 each.
Or else take the girls out to the sales after xmas/before xmas and buy them things that they want up to a limit of €40. You get to spend time with the girls and they get to choose what they want.
Your DiL would no doubt take your contribution for the IPAD and get them some cheaper alternative, pocketing the difference.
And definitely query the piano/riding lessons with your DiL. Put her on the spot and see her squirm.

LegacyUser

skyfall2012 wrote: »

There is a toy called a leap pad €100 it is a kids version of the ipad. I am not suggesting you buy this, cos I think €100 is a lot of money to be paying out, just letting you know about it.

A leapfrog leap pad is really aimed at kids 3 to 7 so would be a little young for the two grandkids. When buying for friends kids I always go with books or book vouchers - yet to have a parent yell at me for trying to get their kids reading. If you want to buy something teach related you can get an e-reader like a kindle for fairly cheap but honestly I'd go with either the savings account or book vouchers.

Maura74

Thanks again, it has help to put it in writing and get other poster views on the way they are behaving.

My son told me about the other sister years ago taking money from her MiL and spending it on herself. My son is in a very difficult position as his wife mother has boasted years ago after my first granddaughter was born and their marriage was going through a very difficult time, that crass mother told us that she of another family that she knows that was not allowed to see their grandchildren, which was a veil threat...

The other sister husband is very easy going and has come to accept it and let most of it go over his head. He lives very near his mother and they grandchildren are kept away from her, she is on her own and is 75 years of age. All these people seem to think about is money and how to swindle it from vulnerable people. Thankfully I live about 70 miles from them thank god.

The tradition is for the sisters to have Christmas day every alternative Christmas in their homes. Last Christmas it was in my son home, I could not believe it when the other sister was very derogatory towards her MiL that was not able to attend that day and her husband was sitting beside at the same table and he had to agree. I was appalled at this and told them that it was her prerogative whether she wanted to be with them on Christmas day or not. Apparently she stated at home on her own and I wish it had done the same, but I was thinking of my son as he would never hear the last of it and it would have been something for her to keep beating him about it.

I have brought up the issue of not having riding lesson and that was ignored by her. I also brought up the issue of the piano and that as well was ignored by her, that is why I am not going to give them actual money as it will go towards her or her parents.

There weapon is the grandchildren and they use them to get what they want, it is sad that it is like this. I have found that a parent on their own is an easy target for bullying by in laws and as DiL both parents are alive they are more powerful as a couple.

I am now going to look today for a saving account for my grandchildren. I think her sisters husband's mother has done the same.

Maura74

cant log in wrote: »

A leapfrog leap pad is really aimed at kids 3 to 7 so would be a little young for the two grandkids. When buying for friends kids I always go with books or book vouchers - yet to have a parent yell at me for trying to get their kids reading. If you want to buy something teach related you can get an e-reader like a kindle for fairly cheap but honestly I'd go with either the savings account or book vouchers.

thanks for information cant log in. I am going to look today for a saving account and book vouchers at least I know the money will end up with grandchildren in the end. It appear that anything I buy is not what they DiL or her parents wants. I think it is time I gave up trying now.

I found out that if I purchased the ipad they would have gotten back £60 for each of them ie £120 for both, I wounder where that would have gone.

edellc

I think the saving account is the best bet OP with your sons name on it.

I understand that you feel angry at this lady however your son choose her and obviously seen something in her that he liked and loved especially to marry and have children with her.

Also you are not in this ladies house so how do you know that she is taking the money for herself....you dont...whos to say she isnt putting it in a savings account herself for the kids for college or something else...you dont

As for your son telling stories well if he needs to go bitching to you about his wife/family then is their marriage really that solid

OP I understand that its hard when you have a son as up until a certain point in their lives you are the woman they adore and then they discover women to lust after and indeed fall in love with and start a family and most of the time this means that the mother is shoved to one side and the son runs after the new wife....daughters on the other hand tend to stay close to their mothers and live near their birth family so its the man that moves to this environment rather than the women going to his (not always the case but its true for a lot of cases and seems to be true in this case)

You are never going to win in this situation and its clear that you dont have a good relationship with your DiL which is sad tbh, as this will distance you from them and as you well know life is short. You seem very judgemental and a little bit sour about the fact that DiL seems to come from a well off family that could give her everything she desired, it also comes across as jealousy that she is now the focus of your sons life

You can not control your DiL or her family and what they choose to spend money on, the only person who you have control over is you and your actions so maybe instead of putting yourself in a position where you are giving DiL control over you (as in asking her what you should get the kids) and therefore you end up giving yourself high blood pressure over it, take that control back ask the kids themselves when you see them what they would like, or choose something your self....book voucher is always good, a voucher for smyths, buy them clothes, clairs accessories voucher if they are girls, credit for a phone is they have one, voucher for game stop if boys for a computer game, the list of ideas is endless.

But you need to stop this resentment as kids do pick up on it and I grew up with my dads family hating my mam and guess what, I have nothing to do with dads family...do you want that when the kids are old enough to choose, regardless of money the kids love their mother and anyone who is not nice to her will be pushed to one side, I guarantee it

Maura74

Thanks edellc for your post, which most of it I agree with. However, my son grew up without a dad and I do regret that. He married his wife because she was pregnant and I was really happy about the wedding and baby as well. He wanted a large family despite growing up with lots of cousins and friends. There were not teenagers when they got married as they were their early thirties.
I was not soft with him when he was growing up I insisted that he got a career which he did and was and still is very conscientious and works very hard for his family which he loves very much especially his children.
It was during a conversation we had when he was taking me to the station for a train that he mentioned about his wife sister mother in law that gave money to the family but it did not go to them. I agree with you I do not know what happened to the money that I have given to my grandchildren but when I mentioned to my grandchildren how their lesson go with their horse riding lesson it was brushed over by DiL. If my DiL said I put the money into a saving account I would have been very pleased with that and she would have known this as well. She is very thrifty with money as it means such a lot to her, which is a good thing, but where is it the entire money going as she is very reluctant to spend on their home by way of maintenance. I paid for her to have the kitchen installed when they moved into their first home as well as paying for their honeymoon in Florida as well for them. I also paid for a Florida for all of us 2 years ago as well and she moaned to her neighbour that she would never do that again, I expect the neighbour thinks she paid her own way. I expect she said that because my son dislike going on holiday every year with all of her family.

DiL parents are not wealthy, but not poor either. I have been told by DiL that her father has a good personal pension and mother has the state pension but works part time as well. I know her mother does not get much by way of wages, but it is the same as I get. DiL wanted to know everything about my finances position, but I refuse to tell her. She asked me ages ago about my state pension but I did not give that to her either, I ignored her question.

I could be wrong but it seems that my son has to put all the effort into their marriage to appease his wife. He would love to have more children, but she is a lazy person as well and he has siad that he could not do that again. His wife loves been with her family and is with them almost every weekend, which my son disapproves of.

When they first got married he had to travel 100 miles to work each way and every evening he got home from work he was met by his wife mother and father in his home. When he could not bear it anymore he told he wife that he did not mind her having her parents there when he was at work but he did mind them being them being in his home during when he got home from work every evening time when he wanted to spend quality time with his children.

These people always hug and kiss when they meet up every time when meet but then bitch about them when their backs are tuned, which does not worry me at all as I am aware of what they are like this with most people, they like gossiping that makes them happy.

My DiL is certainly not focus on my son life or anyone else life style to that matter it is all about her and her family life style that she is focused on, I have given her the benefit of the doubt, but now it is getting so obvious and that she is all about her and nobody else and as said children pick up on tension in the home with people. I was surprised when my eldest granddaughter came down before going to bad last weekend and gave me a couple of hugs, also the grandchildren have told my son not to pick on me, I know he is under pressure to do so by his wife. I am just waiting for the right moment to tell him that his children will remember how I am being treated when they grow up and perhaps they will do the same thing to him and her.

At the weekend it was my birthday I was invited to their home to baby sit on Saturday night and the next day I was taken out to lunch as I do when it their birthdays however I pay with money not by vouchers as my DiL pay for my lunch with I find nothing wrong with that but again it goes to show how careful she is with money and lover it.
Regarding present for my grandchildren I was told to pay money towards ipads with her mother and father paying the same amount as me for my grandchildren christmas present by my DiL. I refused to do that as I told them I wanted to buy something for my grandchildren by myself and not to share it with her parents. My DiL said in frustration that I should then pay for both of them myself. When it became clear that I would not share a present with her parents, I was told not get anything until it is passed by DiL first as it might be duplicated by her for parents or other members of her family as everything must be discussed first and passed by her parents.

I cannot just go out and buy something for my grandchildren for Christmas or birthday present without first agreeing it with DiL and her parents. However I think book tokens and a saving account would not clash with anything they would purchase.
I feel I must step back now and not to be at their beck and call when DiL mother is not available to baby sit for her, like I have been doing up to now. Her MiL lives near them and is not a problem for her when needed to baby sit and DiL loves her mother around her therefore keeping the husbands mother at bay with the grandchildren.

I would rather not see my grandchildren so they will not see how much their mother resentful attitude towards me being in her home. Recently a couple of times when passing a care home for elderly people that is situation near my DiL home she has made comment to my grandchildren that is where ‘nanny’ is going soon. What a never she has always looking for buttons to press to get a reaction from me, but I do not react at all to her caustic remarks and I think that annoys her more.

Big Bag of Chips

Maura, I have to be honest here.. you've made your bed.

Why oh why would you pay for a kitchen, and a family holiday and all the other stuff that you have paid for? You have now set a precedence. ?Of course she thinks you will keep stumping up the cash.

You say your son works? Do they not have money of their own? If there's something we really want/need we save for it. I would be embarrassed to accept so much money from my parents. I would be embarrassed that my parents felt I was incapable of standing on my own two feet and felt the need to bail me out, all the time.

You obviously don't like your DIL very much. You haven't had one nice thing to say about her. They got married because she was pregnant? But you said your son wanted lots of kids, and they weren't teenagers. Maybe give them credit for having some sort of plan. You paid for 'her' kitchen? You paid for your son's kitchen...

You need to step back. Seriously step back. Stop giving them so much money if you don't want to be taken for a mug anymore. The more you give the more they expect.

Set up a savings account as advised and put a few quid in when you want.

And stop paying for such extravagances for people who don't appreciate them.

skyfall2012

I agree with above posters. But, I have had to think about this problem a lot as I am a DIL and concluded that; my mil and I both love the same man, but have different type of relationship with him, he can be hurt really bad by both of us and when it looks to one of us(mil or dil) that he is being mistreated by the other, it hurts us as well and we feel the need to react.

She has taken him from you, you rared him by yourself, (he is your only child )all those years and now you hardly see him. But that is the nature of the nuclear family nowadays.

Don't make a bad situation worse, or you will loose everything. Try and understand things from her point of view. Don't take any sh1t from her, but try and make her understand things from your point of view.

Sounds like you have a lovely family, so try to enjoy them, as above poster said life is too short.

Queen-Mise

I am thinking of the two girls here - there is loads of really good advice/opinions given above regarding dealing with your son's wife.


My MiL offered to give my two kids money (11 & 7) - but I argued they were too young for just money. So she asked the kids and they answered half and half. I used some of the money she gave them from the cards and have left the presents in her house for Xmas and they still get a few pounds also.

Ask the girls is there anything in particular they would like (AWAY from their mother). If not a few pounds in a bank/post office/credit union - BUT definitely give them a (little) present also.

If you want I can put in some work for you on this - and give you some different ideas of gifts. People love opening presents and opening a card with money is not the same.:o

11 and 13 are still young - it would be different if they were even a few years older.


Don't get involved in any of the DiL's tripe anymore - you are right to keep your mouth shut, nod in all the right places, but do your own thing & don't let her bully you.
If she does say something - say you are putting the money away for the girls to help them through college, car etc. It is time for the adults to look after themselves and help the youngsters come up. The eldest girl might have a european trip coming up in school in the next year or so - so a few pounds in an account would help her pay for that.

Maura74

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I am thinking of the two girls here - there is loads of really good advice/opinions given above regarding dealing with your son's wife.

My MiL offered to give my two kids money (11 & 7) - but I argued they were too young for just money. So she asked the kids and they answered half and half. I used some of the money she gave them from the cards and have left the presents in her house for Xmas and they still get a few pounds also.

Ask the girls is there anything in particular they would like (AWAY from their mother). If not a few pounds in a bank/post office/credit union - BUT definitely give them a (little) present also.

If you want I can put in some work for you on this - and give you some different ideas of gifts. People love opening presents and opening a card with money is not the same.:o

11 and 13 are still young - it would be different if they were even a few years older.

Don't get involved in any of the DiL's tripe anymore - you are right to keep your mouth shut, nod in all the right places, but do your own thing & don't let her bully you.
If she does say something - say you are putting the money away for the girls to help them through college, car etc. It is time for the adults to look after themselves and help the youngsters come up. The eldest girl might have a european trip coming up in school in the next year or so - so a few pounds in an account would help her pay for that.

Thanks everyone for helpful replies. Queen-Mise, nothing must be purchased without the approval of DiL and her mother and sister. Her family comes first regardless of anything else. Her parents must come first by way of presents and when I give cash I now know it will soon be departed from the girls. I was asked last year to give money towards a piano for my eldest granddaughter but nothing was purchased.

Now if I was to buy things for all of her family she would be very happy indeed with that, but that will never happen, however, I do give them present like boxes of biscuits and also her sister gets the same with a bottle of wine, I also give her sister grown up children money in a card not much and they use it to purchase top ups for mobile phone etc.

I normally buy my grandchildren present to open on Christmas morning, it is difficult as my grandchildren are not allowed to let me know what they want and if I give them something that I think they would like it is frown upon especially if it outshines their mother presents.

I have text my grandchildren about present but they know not ask for anything as their mother would disapproved.

I have been thinking of purchasing theatre vouchers that do not run out and can be used as when they want to see a show. Also some book token as they read a lot.

Anymore suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Neyite

Maura, I think that you should get them a book token or similar. I would actually tell your son to explain it to his wife that you cannot afford being extravagant anymore - who can these days. If she says a word to you, I would stand my ground and eyeball her straight and tell her that you didnt think the children would see the ipad, no more than the piano and horse lessons that you contributed to.

If you choose to set up a savings account - while its a nice idea, children still love opening a gift on the special day so I suspect that you would still get tapped for that, and the pricey presents. If you do choose to go down this route, ensure that you are co-signature on any withdrawals along with your grandchild, otherwise the money you deposit will last no length - the mother will easily get the child to withdraw money that they will never see.

Big Bag of Chips

Things only have to be run by the DIL first, because you've allowed it to be like that.

Stop asking. Stop running things by her, and ignore any sulk that may come.

And get your son to take some responsibility too... Ask him what happened the piano, or horse riding lessons. He is as much at fault for taking your money and not using it for it's intended purpose as she is.

edellc

What is the point in suggesting anything op as clearly you refuse to stand up and be counted...and this wow is me attitude about having to run stuff by dil, her mother and sister is ridiculious are you a child or an adult. So what if the all get their knickers in a twist why do you care ad you clearly dislike them all

Maybe the children don't tell what they would like as it rude and nothing to do with their mother if she is as bad as you say report her to social services which you wont because this is all your head

Cop yourself in and grow a pair these are your grandkids buy what you like for them and how do you know the mother makes faces....you don't...you don't live with them

You presume quite a lot considering you don't see that much of them and clearly a 13yr marriage has something to last that long

I take back what I said in my first post to...I would definitely not want you to be my granny or any other relative

And what you are discussing now is completely off topic to your original post

Mod Note: Edellc has been banned for this post.

Queen-Mise

Maura74 wrote: »

I normally buy my grandchildren present to open on Christmas morning, it is difficult as my grandchildren are not allowed to let me know what they want and if I give them something that I think they would like it is frown upon especially if it outshines their mother presents.

I have been thinking of purchasing theatre vouchers that do not run out and can be used as when they want to see a show. Also some book token as they read a lot.

There really shouldn't be a situation where your presents are outshining their parents/Santa. Its time to stop taking crap of the DiL - get what you think is best for them.

Here are some ideas for presents for the two girls - I have tried to vary the prices.

A Kindle - with a 3v card so they can buy books of Amazon. This is a heck of a lot cheaper than buying books in a shop. This is something they would get a lot of use from for a few years.

Vouchers for their local cinema. They are so many good movies coming out this Xmas

If you put a few pounds in an account for them - then get the older one hat/scarf/gloves from Pennys and the younger girl pajamas set. Or you could get them two different Onesies (although I think they are vile - but some people love them).

Voucher for the local skating rink (roller skating) or ice-skating; something like that, that is in their area. Or maybe get them a voucher for somewhere like Eddie Rockets.

If you get them vouchers/money definitely pick up them up something from somewhere like Pennys also.

Another idea is get them a nice piece of jewellery - a cross or a cladagh necklace would be a lovely gift at that age. Something they would have for years. With a necklace you wouldn't have to worry about ring or wrist size. I'd think this one is a great idea - when asked, it was a necklace their granny gave them. A locket necklace is another nice idea.


Bar the Kindle - all of the other gift ideas will cost less than a hundred euro for the two of them. I have no idea of the budget you have.

The trick for you is to find some way to give the girls the money - that doesn't end up in their parents hands.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

from what I can understand, gifts you've given over the years sound quite idealistic, more the kind of gifts that are wanted for the children, rather than gifts that the children actually need / want / interested in and I would say quite in line with playing keeping up with the Jones'. I would put money on it that friends of your granddaughters or their parents have the intent of purchasing ipads for Christmas for the children. Some may be able to afford it outright and some might be asking extended family members to buy them or chip in. I'm guessing that the situation could be the latter, if the price of an ipad is what someone said as around €400 I think that is an extreme and I think it's really an "ideal" gift that simply is a "want" as a gift for them rather than something that the children actually need or be interested in.

They're 11 and 13, in my experience some children around that age have about as much interest in computers/phones and facebook as they would in eating dog poo, because their lives revolve around something else entirely, for example, a sport and all their friends are the same. Give a child something like that an ipad and it probably would be money wasted. Children that young, in my opinion shouldn't really have access to that sort of high value technology for their own safety, kids as young and younger than them have been mugged and seriously injured for lesser value technology items than that. In any case, for that age I'd be more in favour of a family computer. Even at that, I'd only go for own laptops and ipads at an older age if there was a genuine interest and need for it, rather than simply buying one because it's the latest fad for parents to want their kids to have (like mobile phones were, especially now with the high value smartphones that cost the going rate of a used car, which more children are seeing as disposable technology) or the latest fashion accessory. And it would, for me, be depending on the sort of child they are and if they have an interest in it and every child is different with technology and their relationship to it.

Putting aside the issues you have with your DIL I think you have fallen into the trap of being told what to get and enabling the situation of that occurring, rather than knowing your grandchildren and their interests and what their needs and wants are, or what practical things to get. I know because I've been there with my nephews where because I lived away from them I wasn't clued into what they wanted/interested in so ended up just going with something suggested that would be ideal for them to have. And I enabled it.

I think you should go for something as suggested like vouchers or a savings account in the way it has been mentioned. My eldest nephew last year who has always been fond on baking and cooking, I ended up getting one of these small cookbooks that had a range of proper meals and desserts (not specifically for children, just a normal one for anyone) and he loved it! He even took it on holidays with him to his other granny's so he could make something for them while over there. And it was one of those Love Food ones, was less than €10. So if you think there's something like that, go for it. I think personally you would be better off getting them the gift you want them to have rather than giving them something someone else thinks they should have.

I do agree on the whole aspect of standing up and not going along with the you shelling out big bucks for holidays and gifts anymore, even if it's you enabling the situation by going along with it or agreeing with it, or an underlying assumption that you can afford it (or not afford it but not saying so) and I think you do need to be upfront about not being happy to sponsor such holidays.

It's entirely up to you how you spend your money but you do need to keep some money for yourself too. And you have to think about yourself and your future needs too and you catching a break with a nice holiday for yourself or making so many sacrifices financially to pay for someone else's holiday or expensive gift that simply isn't necessary.

I think if you're worried too about being taken advantage of with your money OP, you should contact some of the organisations and charities that might be able to offer advice and perhaps help you step back from your son and DIL's finances and gifts and that and help you assert yourself and protect yourself, if perhaps you feel you are being taken advantage of.

Maura74

Queen-Mise & thefeatheredcat thanks for your helpful replies.
I think it is money DiL is after. I have told them that I would pay for one of the ipads and her parents could for the other one. But that was rejected. I also said that I would pay x amount to each of my grandchildren and DiL mother and father could pay the as well my son and his therefore all five of us would pay equal amounts for the ipad, but that was also rejected. Therefore, I am not going to contribute towards them now at all.

I am going to get things that will only go to the girls such as vouchers and saving account for them until they reach the age of 18, with little inexpensive things that they can unwrap on Christmas morning.

DiL got a kindle for her birthday a couple of years ago and she was not sure if she liked it or not, so I think I will leave that one.

Everything has to be analysed by her and her family, therefore, I feel that I am not able to get what I want for them. I have also told DiL in the past if they do not suit to take them back and get something that she would think that the girls would like.

DiL family are very frugal with everything. They want to know where every penning is going and I expect DiL gets it from her background.

Vouchers will be the thing this year with some little thinks they can unwrap on Christmas morning. And a saving account. I have asked for a copy of their birth certificates to open one but I will wait to see if they will send it to me.

The reason I think I must not outshine her parents is when we got back from the one and only holiday in Florida a couple of years ago that I had with them, which I paid for, DiL told me that her mother was paying for a family holiday for all of them in Spain in July school summer holidays. I was aware that her mother was left some money in a will and she was using that for their holiday in Spain. Before that all of them used to go away for summer holidays, but all of them paid equal share for it. When I was dog sitting while they were on holiday their neighbour got talking to me, which was the first time I had spoken to the neighbour, I was stunned when she told me that my DiL said never do that again…. Ever since them I have been turning off the tap gradually and it seems that DiL does not like it.
Many thanks for suggestion which I will be using from now on.

thefeatheredcat , They have a family computers and also the eldest girl has one in her bedroom and there is a laptop for the family as well, they have computers coming out of their ears.LoL
As mentioned I do not think ipads will appear now on Christmas day but will have to wait and see. I think I read somewhere that school now wants children to have ipad for their homework, with the school purchasing them, but parents have to contribute a small sum towards them and when the student leaves the school the parents have the option of purchasing them outright.

My friend told me that she asks her sons for guidance on what to get for Christmas, but her daughter is a different kettle of fish and what she told me was very similar to what I have been experiencing. She said when she was babysitting she felt that she was walking on eggshell not to upset anyone.

There will be no more expensive holidays or other items like before for all of the family, I will wait until the girls are old enough to take on holiday alone with me.

I know my son will get it in the neck for it, but he can stand up for himself if need be I do not and will not get involved with their differences, I have and will continue to stay as neutral as possible.

Queen-Mise

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP,

from what I can understand, gifts you've given over the years sound quite idealistic, more the kind of gifts that are wanted for the children, rather than gifts that the children actually need / want / interested in .

That post was brilliant - really well written.

Maura74 wrote: »

I think I read somewhere that school now wants children to have ipad for their homework, with the school purchasing them, but parents have to contribute a small sum towards them and when the student leaves the school the parents have the option of purchasing them outright.

I know my son will get it in the neck for it, but he can stand up for himself if need be I do not and will not get involved with their differences, I have and will continue to stay as neutral as possible.

This is only in specific schools around the country. From what I know the kids buy the ipads over a set period of time and are theirs. I think they are only five or six schools in the country doing it - one is in Cork/ another is in Carnew. And it is still in a trial type basis so it is very unlikely this will be happening in your grand-daughters schools anytime soon.

And spot on, on what you said about your son - he is big enough and bold enough to look after himself


Follow your instincts - it is the time to be clever and frugal with money. If spending it, spend it very wisely.

tinkerbell

OP, I don't understand how all of this is focused on your DIL? If she is that difficult, why do you bother dealing with her at all unless it's absolutely necessary? Why don't you just communicate with your son instead? I think you are letting her get away with her greedy attitude by constantly allowing her to do so.

I have a feeling that if you buy them vouchers, e.g. One4All, etc. that DIL will take them and use them herself. How can you guarantee that she won't use them? Since both girls are 11 and 13, instead how about some nice sterling silver jewellery? You could buy them each a necklace or a charm bracelet with one or two charms, and you can add to it on their birthdays then. That way it's something really special that they have from their nana - i.e. my nana built up this charm bracelet for me over the years.

Also, there's a big thing these days with coin necklaces - if the 13 year old is into the likes of Rihanna, Kendall Jenner, Vanessa Hudgens, etc. they are all wearing coin necklaces by the brand Mi Moneda and are sold in jewellery shops all over the country - website: https://mi-moneda.com/ which are priced reasonable enough and you can change up the coin, etc. to have tons of different necklaces. Those coin necklaces were on Xpose there last week which is why I thought of them!

They all seem to love Juicy Couture too at that age, you could always buy a little bag from there or a purse or jewellery. I think jewellery is a really nice gift to give. That way you don't have to worry about greedy DIL using vouchers or trying to gain access to a savings account.

mada999

aye as someone else posted, please talk to your son about this and not his wife..the girls at that age getting an ipad is ridiculous imo

Maura74

Just came off the phone from a very stressful telephone call from my son, I texted him last week for birth certificates to open saving account for grandchildren, but not received them as yet, he told me that they were sent a couple of days ago I should receive them soon.

During our conversation he said ‘we’ are pleased that you are putting money away for the girls’ and then told me that they would be disappointed if I just told them I had put money in a saving account for them and nothing else. I told him about the book tokens I purchased and I said I got other little things for them to unwrap on Christmas morning. He wanted to know what the other things were. I told him about the book token, and said they would last 2 years, that was OK, but then he inquired what bookshops and could they use them in as well as Amazon. I purchased the tokens from Waterstones and they could be used in any book shop anywhere. I was not sure about Amazon though. He then told me not to be disappointed when I give the girls the gifts on Christmas day as they may be disappointed. I said whatever I buy them is wrong that is why I wanted to open the savings account.

I feel that DiL wants to purchase the present for the girls and for me to pay for it regardless of price, but I did not say this to him, during our telephone conversation.
I had to tell him that I was going to end conversation as it was getting into a shouting match I ended the conversation leaving him talking and that was the second time I had to this recently about the ipads for the girls. If I had given DiL money for the ipad and for her mother to be included in the present that would have went down well, but I feel that ipad would not appear and there would be some excuse made of course. I feel now whatever I buy the girls will be disappointed.

After that exhausting telephone call, I then got a text from him shortly after saying that he supported me opening the saving account and he was just trying to help me with the little ‘thing’ to ensure that I did not get stuff they already have. He also said in his text that if I am prepared to take the risk then is OK as he no longer wants to discuss it further with me.

During the telephone conversation, I only told him about the book tokens as it would not be a surprise if I told him I got some clothing for my 11 year old (they were from a large retailer that can be taken back, if not suited) I also bought the 13 year old a voucher from Hollister’s for the same value. I also got them some very small earrings that I got my oldest grandchild last year that she really liked. I think I may look for something else to give them but not sure yet what to get.

My son knows how DiL family cogitates and dichotomise everything with a fine tooth-comb to denigrate the sons mothers, I have seen this done on numerous occasion rubbishing off the sister MiL, when her husband was there as well, but I did not said anything, kept mouth shut as son would never hear the last of it. It appears that son’s has to agree with DiL mother no matter how much they denigrate their mothers.

I am not looking forward to Christmas day with the DiL family, I feel very claustrophobic as it is all about them, thankfully it is only Christmas day, I stay in a hotel Christmas Eve and travel back home on Boxing Day. It is the same every Christmas DiL has to keep up tradition set by her mother, my son got a bit sick of it after the first five years of their marriage, but now he seems to have resigned to it as there is no alternative and the girls like being with their cousins. DiL and her sister seem not to want to let go of their mother apron strings.

tinkerbell

Maura, You need to stand up for yourself. You should not be entertaining that crap from your son or your daughter in law. Tbh, they are both treating you like a money pit. Your son is just as ungrateful as his wife. To say that he said his daughters would be disappointed with your gift of a savings account and book tokens is just disgusting and selfish and greedy, he is so ungrateful. They should be happy with any present, big or small, and to say to you they'll be disappointed would make me want to return all the gifts and tell your son that they are so ungrateful with anything you choose that you felt nothing would be good enough for their precious kids so you decided you'd get them nothing this year.

Maura, you NEED to start sticking up for yourself here and open your eyes. Your son is just as bad in his behaviour as his wife is. The sooner you realise that, the better. He shouldn't be letting his wife treat you like that and he shouldn't also be treating you like that either when you have been extremely generous in the past.

So at this stage, I'd be reconsidering giving them anything at all because you'll get shouted at no matter what you do. Although then the children won't get anything from their grandmother so maybe that can't be done. If you still want to give them a present, just give what you have bought already. Forget the savings account. The book tokens, clothes voucher and jewellery are plenty. I'd forget about the savings ac at this stage. And why do you have to spend Christmas Day with them? Go elsewhere if being in their company makes you so miserable.

Finally, I cannot believe that you'd to end the phone call as it was getting into a shouting match, that is shocking. Your son yelled at you for buying his kids presents and opening a savings account because it wasn't an iPad or cash? That's just sick, sick ungrateful greedy and selfish. I'm just shocked at his behaviour.

Lollipops23

tinkerbell wrote: »

Finally, I cannot believe that you'd to end the phone call as it was getting into a shouting match, that is shocking. Your son yelled at you for buying his kids presents and opening a savings account because it wasn't an iPad or cash? That's just sick, sick ungrateful greedy and selfish. I'm just shocked at his behaviour.

I'm afraid I have to agree with tinkerbell here.

Whatever about your DiL being a greedy and materialistic wagon, your own son should not be criticizing your choice of pressies (incidentally, I think your gifts are lovely- my own granny wasn't as handy at picking out nice pressies )

If they're worried their little darlings will be disappointed on Xmas morning, then they need to have a stern talk about the nature of present giving with them. They're not babies, and it's time they learned the value of money and the amount of thought that goes into them. Otherwise they're on a path of turning out just like their ingrate spoiled parents.

Queen-Mise

Maura74 wrote: »

saving account book tokens, and said they would last 2 years, that was OK, but then he inquired what bookshops and could they use them in as well as Amazon.

During the telephone conversation, I only told him about the book tokens as it would not be a surprise if I told him I got some clothing for my 11 year old (they were from a large retailer that can be taken back, if not suited) I also bought the 13 year old a voucher from Hollister’s for the same value. I also got them some very small earrings that I got my oldest grandchild last year that she really liked. I think I may look for something else to give them but not sure yet what to get.

I can understand your son's point on the book tokens as I think you said already they had a Kindle. So it would be cheaper for them to buy books online than to buy 'real' books in a high street bookshop. They would get more value for their money on Amazon.
The other side of that coin is - they are always books that are better to have in print than on some kind of a reader.

I think you have enough for them at the moment - they may have saving tokens; they have book tokens, clothes/vouchers, earrings & you are talking about getting them something else.

Getting grandkids a few presents shouldn't be an ordeal - it is an excuse to spoil them or a roundabout way to help their parents if they need the help. My parents & MiL asked for a suggestion or two - which I gave and that was that. Whether they follow our suggestion or not - it is between the kids and them - it is none of MY business.


I know xmas may not be pleasant with you in-laws - grit your teeth and get through it. You won't be the only one in the country in the same boat. Having family that concentrated at the one time is hard work for anyone no matter the circumstance.

Maura74

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I can understand your son's point on the book tokens as I think you said already they had a Kindle. So it would be cheaper for them to buy books online than to buy 'real' books in a high street bookshop. They would get more value for their money on Amazon.
The other side of that coin is - they are always books that are better to have in print than on some kind of a reader.

I think you have enough for them at the moment - they may have saving tokens; they have book tokens, clothes/vouchers, earrings & you are talking about getting them something else.

Getting grandkids a few presents shouldn't be an ordeal - it is an excuse to spoil them or a roundabout way to help their parents if they need the help. My parents & MiL asked for a suggestion or two - which I gave and

that was that. Whether they follow our suggestion or not - it is between the kids and them - it is none of MY business.

That is how it should be with present for grandchildren, but with my son's wife she wants to control what they get.

My DiL has a kindle reader, but that is hers and her children are not allowed to use it, I expect amazon was mentioned so she could use the voucher to get what she wants with it, but that is no concern of mine.

I feel that DiL really does not like me and I cannot think why (but she must have her reasons) I have always made myself available to baby sit when they needed to go have to out at night time and her mother not available to do it for them. I have been given 4 hours notices one time and asked if I would do it for them and I agreed, as DiL mother had let them down at the last minute and despite it been a 3 hour train journey there and back the next day I made it to let them go out.

I will not be doing that again, as whenever I do babysitting DiL stays in bed the next day until noon and only get up when I am ready to leave to go back home. My son gets up earlier and my granddaughter.

At one of my granddaughters birthday party, my youngest granddaughter (she was only 7 or 8 at the time) asked me when DiL parents was ready to drive back home around 11ish that evening, my granddaughter asked me if I was I staying the night and I told her yes that I was staying the night and sleeping on the sofa downstairs. My youngest granddaughter went over to her mother's grandparents and said 'she is staying the night, is she ever going to leave'. That really upset me. I could not say anything but leave the room. DiL was in the room at the time as well but my son was not there.

I know my DiL sister is the same with her MiL, I have heard her bad mouthing her many times, but I did not say anything as her sister husband did not say anything in his mother defence either.

It does not make it any better knowing that her sister is the same with her MiL.

I have started draw back now from been available when they need me and perhaps when my grandchildren get older they will be able to see me if they choose to so without their parents involved.

CaraMay

You can blame her all you want but the reality is your son is letting this happen. Your issue should be with him mainly.

Get them what you want to get them and ignore her. Tbh you sound like you are really over invested in this for what you are getting out of it.

WhatNowForUs?

Tell them to take the money given to them for the piano and riding lessons and use it for the ipad.
Then set up an account as you are doing. Thirdly the only time a parent should interfere in the presents that a grandparents gives is on ideological grounds or if it is too much.
You need to have a closer look at your son, there seems to be two of them in it.

Maura74

Thank everyone for such good advice.

Got over Christmas OK, My GD’s showed me their present from their parents on Christmas morning before we left to go to her sisters for Christmas dinner however, there were no Ipads with parent presents.

I gave my GD's the present that I purchased and they were happy with them, save for my youngest GD’s she did not like the expensive dress and cardigan I gave her and she took them up and gave them to her mother and said they can to back, but she liked the rest, the cost of both the dress and cardigan was equivalent to the voucher that I gave to my other GD, but thankfully they were returnable!

I think DiL wanted to try and push more buttons, I asked for granddaughter birth certificate weeks before Christmas and after she got over the fact that I was not going to Dutch with her parents for ipads, with me paying the same amount as both as of her parents and after lengthy discourse with my son he told me that they would be dealing with them.

When I am at my DiL place she mainly spends her time upstairs and appears as little as possible when I am there. She also like to keep people waiting for her, this is also a trait of her mother’s as well, DiL did this on Christmas eve as well as Christmas morning, Christmas eve when she and my GD’s were getting ready to out for evening after we finished an evening meal at her place, I made my way back to spend the evening on my own in the hotel I was staying for that night, I did not mind spending Christmas eve on my own as I did not know their friends and it was obviously they did not want me there with them.

When DiL my GD’s were getting ready to go to her sisters for Christmas dinner my youngest granddaughter came downstairs and asked me if I was going stay at my son home for the night. She may be only 11 but it was said in accusing way (obviously they listen to parents talking as well) I told her ‘yes’ I would be stating the night on the sofa as there was not transport on Christmas night for me to go home.

When we got to DiL sisters place for Christmas meal three ipads appeared, GD’s had one each and DiL said that she got one as a surprised from my son as a present as a Christmas present as well.

Got through the day there it was not too bad as DiL sister had her MiL there as well, which made the day go reasonable well.

I was very surprised on boxing day morning when DiL got up before I left to go back home, she never did that before. My son drove me to the station for me to get transport home however he was very annoyed that I did not get the other GD gift voucher like the oldest GD. He asked how much the dress and cardigan cost and I told him how much and he said that I should have taken them back and give him cash for the amount to give to my youngest GD. I said that they can be retuned which I expect they will be and money will be used by DiL. I was very strong and held my ground. When I got home I got a text from my oldest granddaughter (this has never happened before) saying she was sorry for not seeing me before I left to go home that morning and thank me for lovely presents.

I did not hear from son until New Year’s Day, I normally send him a text on new year eve wishing him a happy new year , I did not send him one this year but on New Day I got one from him wishing me a Happy New Year.

ABajaninCork

Fair enough. Looks as though you know how to handle the present situation from now on.

Let the rudeness was over you, and buy what you think your GD's will like.