Left out in the cold over my mother's party

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long post, but it's kind of a long story....

This weekend is my mother's birthday (a big one). Myself and the girls in the family (I am on only child) decided to have a little get together that day, just the girls, to mark the occasion, as my mother hates a fuss and just wanted to keep it small.

So I went ahead and ordered a cake and a few little decorations to make it special etc, and was happily getting it all sorted.

Then this weekend, my OH decided to let me know the girls had gone and planned a whole surprise element to it, inviting a bunch of other family members (my OH included) to join in. The best part is that they explicitly decided (and told those invited) not to tell me anything about it.

Now, the reason my OH told me was that a) it didn't sit well with him that I was being left out of this (i hate surprises, personally) and b) he was worried it would clash with something we have on later that night, something I've been very excited about for weeks. He weighed it all up and decided that I would want to know (he's right).

I contacted a few people I knew to be involved and demanded to be told why I wasn't spoken to about it. Answers have ranged from "we wanted to surprise you too" to "we didn't want you to spill the beans to your mam".

To say I'm put out is an understatement. They're all also pissed at my OH for telling me, despite my assuring them I'm happy that someone had the cop-on to let me know. To think they believe I'm incapable of keeping it from the bday lady is just so upsetting, like they think I'm a stupid child who doesn't deserve to be let in on the plans they've made for MY mother's bday.

I've told them I'm not discussing it further and that they need to shut up about it so we can focus on my mam's day, not their little power trip.

I just need assurances that I'm right in being upset here?

edellc

Op you have every right to be pissed off I would be too, and fair play to your oh he did the right thing

As for the party, well you can't uninvite people now so your just going to have to go along with it

However if I were you I would arrange a day out/meal/pamper day just you and your mum and it can be exactly as you want it and something special for your mum and you

LegacyUser

Thanks a million, I just needed a little outsider perspective on it. Feels good to know I'm not the only one who'd be upset about it.

I think when they realised how upset I was over the whole thing, it only then occurred to them that it had been quite a hurtful thing to leave me out of the loop.

I don't want to uninvite people, as I do think my mam would enjoy it (they've still kept it reasonably low-key) but they needed to tell me about it. Like I'd ordered a cake and now have to make sure there's enough for people going etc.

CaraMay

Yeah I would be annoyed mainly as your mum only wants a small do and no fuss.

Nothing you can do at this stage other than let it go and enjoy the day.

tbh

You have to ask yourself one basic question: What was their reason for organizing the party?

Now, you know them best, but it sounds to me like they thought your mother would enjoy it. It probably wasn't the best move not to tell you, given as it's your mother (these other girls - are they her sisters or something?), but look at their motives - if they genuinely were trying to do a nice thing, then you can be annoyed or irritated, but don't be angry.

Big Bag of Chips

Had you not told any of them about your plans?

Maybe they thought nothing was happening,and thought it would be nice to surprise you both with a party? Although I would be a bit insulted too that they would organise something without telling me.

If you had not told them about your plans though, you shouldn't really be annoyed at them for organising something.. but you should be annoyed at them for not including you. At the very least it would make you look very ungrateful to show up clueless to a party organised by others for your mother.. I'm sure the question from others would have been 'Did she not think to organise something herself? It was up to the others etc etc'

Edit: sorry I misread your post! I see that they were 'in' on organising the small affair. They should have discussed it with you, of course. But don't be too cross with them... It seems their intentions were good.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone- just to clarify a few things:

I'm sure my mam will have a great time, which is the most important thing to me.

The only issue I'm having is that they explicitly decided to leave me out of the loop on planning for it. The fact is that they were messaging amongst themselves about keeping it from me (I haven't seen them, but know they were).

I also let them all know about my other plans 2 weeks ago, as it being Dec double bookings can't be helped (i spoke to my mam about it as soon as it came up and she didn't mind in the slightest and I wouldn't be missing any part of her celebrations anyway...or so we thought).

Our immediate family are also taking her out for dinner on Sunday, and I also took her for lunch this week, so it's certainly not like she's being neglected for her bday. She had told us all months ago that she didn't want a big do, it's just not her style.

tbh

UpsetDaughter wrote: »

The only issue I'm having is that they explicitly decided to leave me out of the loop on planning for it. The fact is that they were messaging amongst themselves about keeping it from me (I haven't seen them, but know they were).

ok. Why do you think they were doing that?

LegacyUser

I've thought about that constantly since I found out- I've never given them a reason (to the best of my knowledge) to not tell me plans for my own mother's birthday.

I honestly think they just wanted to be in control of it- there's no other reason I can think of. They must not trust me to make an occasion of it for her (again, no prior reasons for that, she always gets spoiled rotten for her bday) and didn't trust me not to tell her-again, I'm not 5 years old and am well able to keep things to myself.

Some of these girls are a similar age to myself, incidentally (late twenties-early thirties). This isn't that I'm the baby of the family or anything.

The whole thing has just left me feeling hurt to be honest.

looksee

OP are you sure you are being entirely honest with yourself about the arrangements? You say that your mother would want a quiet party, but at the same time she would enjoy the alternative party that is being planned?

You also say that you have another event planned that evening, and what could be a tea party with the girls that would finish in time for your later arrangements is now a full scale party that will inevitably go on into the evening and doesn't fit in with your plans.

So the girls get together and decide that the tea party is a bit overly restrained and anyway their partners want to attend. But you had been very definite about the tea party so how to get round that? Easy, don't tell her, what she doesn't know won't hurt her and when the actual event comes round it will be a done deed, and mother will enjoy it and all will be well.

They are not taking account of your other plants because, either they don't know and can't understand the 'quiet' birthday plans, or are a bit miffed that you are allowing your other arrangements to interfere with your mother's celebration and have decided to sort it themselves. After all, with so many there you could easily slip away and do whatever it is that you want to do.

LegacyUser

looksee wrote: »

OP are you sure you are being entirely honest with yourself about the arrangements? You say that your mother would want a quiet party, but at the same time she would enjoy the alternative party that is being planned?

When i asked her months ago if a party would be what she wanted, she said absolutely not. When this idea of the girls was bandied about, she loved it. I reckon she'll be happy enough with the others coming, but I was always just going along with what she asked for. I feel they've overridden it now, even if she didn't want the others there she'd have to lump it.

looksee wrote: »

You also say that you have another event planned that evening, and what could be a tea party with the girls that would finish in time for your later arrangements is now a full scale party that will inevitably go on into the evening and doesn't fit in with your plans.

Now that I know about this thing, I've altered my evening plans so that they don't clash. It's not about it not meshing well with my own thing, but when I let them know about it WEEKS ago, someone could have mentioned it. If I hadn't known, I'd have left several people in the lurch that night when the party got sprung on me.

looksee wrote: »

So the girls get together and decide that the tea party is a bit overly restrained and anyway their partners want to attend.
They are not taking account of your other plants because, either they don't know and can't understand the 'quiet' birthday plans, or are a bit miffed that you are allowing your other arrangements to interfere with your mother's celebration and have decided to sort it themselves. After all, with so many there you could easily slip away and do whatever it is that you want to do.

I'm her only kid, she's going to notice if I "slip off"- this was not there decision to make and I would never dream of leaving someone's only kid out of the loop on something like this- especially as it's not like I haven't made the effort to make it special for her (spending a small fortune in the process).

amtc

It's my mother's birthday next weekend - and a fairly significant one.

Like that, I'm an only child. My mother doesn't want a big fuss, but I've organised a small event with my grandmother, aunt, cousin we are all close to, brother and his wife.

If any of them sought to organise something and not tell me I'd be livid! I know my mother better than anyone.

It's also her retirement do the day before and her work are taking the lead on that and I've been giving some names etc. of friends - not appropriate to be at the centre of that party.

Daisy M

Op have you told them how you feel and asked them why they felt a need to keep it a secret especially since they knew you had 2 events on that day and would end up missing out on one of them.
Tbh this sounds very strange, do they maybe know something you dont? Like maybe your mother might have said to someone else she would like a party but wouldnt want to put you to any trouble organising it. Also very few people will actually admit to wanting a party but some secretly do.