Never had friends... how do I get help?

John90dc

Hi guys, I’m John. I live in Dublin and I am in my early 20’s. I’m not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I really need to just talk about my problems and get ideas on how to solve them. This post is, unfortunately, quite long, as I have been struggling with these issues for so long. This is the first time I have written about my problems, ever.
I just want to know what the best course of action for me might be, and who I should talk to.

Basically, my whole life I have struggled in social situations. I was always very quiet, which made it very hard for me to make friends. I’m always the person talking least in a group, and so much of the time, I just have no idea what to say. When I do say something, it’s rarely the beginning of an interesting or fun conversation, and I think recently my verbal skills have gotten even worse- like I don’t articulate what I’m saying clearly at all.

I had no real friends in school, but was still hopeful that I’d make some in college, be able to talk freely with them, and finally come out of my shell. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen. It always felt like every new class I was in, or every new hobby I took up, everybody else seemed to make new friends quicker and better than me. When the term ended, or the season finished, I was left yet again with no friends, and I ended up cursing myself for daring to think this time, it would be different. Especially when it took such an effort for me to just “get out there”.

Unfortunately, it seems to be a vicious circle: people make new friends by talking about stuff they’ve done with other friends. But as I have never had any friends to begin with, I can’t really talk about such things. It also means that every time I’m meeting new people, I need to become close to them a lot more than they do to me, as they’re basically the only chance at friends I have. This makes me very anxious (that they will realise this and think I’m needy), so I end up putting less into relationships with them than I should.

For years I have made excuses for my problems. I refused to accept that I was shy, preferring to say that I’m just awkward. I have finally accepted this now.
I also used to make excuses for why, as I said earlier, people made better and deeper friendships with people than I did. I’d say it was “just because they bump into each other more” or that “they have this thing in common”- stuff like that. Eventually I realised that I have just made these excuses to avoid confronting the truth- that there is something wrong/ underdeveloped with me that makes it almost impossible for me to make and keep proper friendships.
I also now realise that it was never going to be possible for me to make friends, just like that, when I started college (and since then). Most other people had had friends in the past, so they were naturally able to make more friendships straight off, partly by, as I said earlier, talking about stuff they’d done with other friends. I, who had no close friends and few “loose friends”, could not suddenly start, just by entering a new social circle. It wasn’t just a case of me finding people with the same interests as me- though the fact that my interests are very niche admittedly does not help matters.

Anyway, after yet another disappointment, I’ve finally had enough. This one was particularly hard, as I thought I was finally making some progress. There were a lot of people in my group who I liked and I felt pretty relaxed around. Unfortunately, a few months ago, circumstances put me further away (physically) from everybody in this group. There hasn’t much communication between us since then, and I fell out with a couple of people, too. I now realise that there was never any strong relationships between me any of them. Of all the disappointments I’ve suffered, where I failed to make friends with people I was in contact with, this was by far the worst, as this time, I really thought I was making progress.

So now, my life is utterly soulless once again. I eat lunch by myself every day, and barely talk with my flatmates when I get home. I spend my free time watching TV and surfing the net. I don’t meet up with anybody to go do stuff. When people ask about my plans for the weekend, I never have anything to tell them about. I go to the cinema, shopping etc. on my own, always. The few times I do go out, I feel awkward and don’t talk very much to people. My birthday is coming up in a few days and I don’t think I’ll do anything for it. I may not even tell people on the day as they’ll just think it’s weird when I tell them I’m not doing anything.
I am just so lonely.
I am not without hope- if I can get proper help for my problems, I think it’s possible my life can improve. However, for the foreseeable future, my prospects look gloomy.

I’ve been firmly against getting help in the past, as I figured a doctor would just say I was depressed and give me anti-depressants. I hate the very idea, because even if I took some tablets to make me feel better, it wouldn’t change anything for the better! My life would still be as empty as it currently is. I wouldn’t suddenly be able to make friends and be able to have great conversations with people.

Also, I genuinely don’t believe I am depressed. I don’t go around the whole time sad and lonely, I’m mostly calm. I am a very introverted person, I don’t like wasting time on dull or “fluff” conversations, and I enjoy spending a lot more time on my own than most people do. It’s only when I really think about my life, and how alone I really am, that I start to feel down. This mostly happens on Friday, when everybody is talking about their plans for the weekend and I have nothing to talk about.
(I admit that I have been in something of a slump in the last 2-3 months, and have found it harder to get the drive to get up and do things. This could be a mild depressive episode, however I am adamant that my life-long problems are more complex than mere depression).

I do really want to get help, though. I don’t want to just talk and have someone give me a sympathetic ear-I’m a typical male; I just want to talk about problems in order to find solutions- though that would help a little. I really want to just stop being this way! I want to just learn how to make myself more assertive, more confident, more articulate in my words and just become more skilled at keeping conversations going, and also with making them fun!
But I really don’t know where to go for help. There are a lot of options, and I’m confused as to who the best person to see would be- even for just an initial discussion.
I don’t have a GP, so would not feel very comfortable with telling a doctor all of this.
Psychiatrists seem to be more about talking about problems/diagnosing disorders, rather than building yourself as a person.
I like the sound of psychotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy, but I’m unsure if CBT would be the best option? Like maybe just talking about my problems would be better, at first anyway?
I don’t even know if I can directly make an appointment with any of these specialists, or if I have to be referred by a doctor.

Can anybody advise on what the best course of action for me might be?

There is a further complication… I have a serious problem with procrastination (upwards of 6 months ago I realised I needed help, but never got around to doing anything about it), and I seem to have some symptoms of ADHD or even OCD… These issues don’t seem to be linked to the problems I have detailed above, and I worry that it will be too much to talk about all at once the first time I see somebody- which causes me to procrastinate still further.

In a way, I’m glad I’ve realised I need external help. Now I know that I was never going to just grow out of my problems. The next step is for me to rise above them, and become the person I always wanted to be. I’m still young, but not for much longer, and I don’t want the rest of my life to be as empty as it has been up to now.

I’d really appreciate any help from anybody, and if you’ve read this far, thanks.

skyfall2012

This is a link to a site on how to succeed socially: http://www.succeedsocially.com
You may find some of the mistakes you may be making and he tells you how to improve your social skills.

He also talks a little about his own years of awkwardness and he says he has a B.A. Honors degree in Psychology, and a Master of Social Work. Good luck:)

Roisy7

I know we are not allowed to post medical diagnoses here, but I think you might be advised going to your GP. They won't necessarily put you on tabs but if you seriously think you might have symptoms of the disorders you mentioned you will need to get help, you can't manage these on your own.

Anyway, I think you need to stay open to the possibility of friends from everywhere. You mention in your post that you "barely talk" to your flatmates. As just an example you won't ever make friends with people by barely talking to them. If you can, take an interest in those you meet and be open to them. Best of luck OP

John90dc

Roisy7 wrote: »

I know we are not allowed to post medical diagnoses here, but I think you might be advised going to your GP. They won't necessarily put you on tabs but if you seriously think you might have symptoms of the disorders you mentioned you will need to get help, you can't manage these on your own.

Anyway, I think you need to stay open to the possibility of friends from everywhere. You mention in your post that you "barely talk" to your flatmates. As just an example you won't ever make friends with people by barely talking to them. If you can, take an interest in those you meet and be open to them. Best of luck OP

Thanks for your reply.

The thing is, I don't actually have a GP right now. I just go to any medical centre when I'm ill. Last time was quite recent, and I have to say the thought of talking about stuff to a doctor in that place made me feel uneasy. It's a bit irrational, sure, but I just hate the thought of discussing stuff with a GP a few times, then getting moved on to somebody else- would love to be able to just feel I can talk to one specialist only...

Yeah I know I should just talk to people more, of course. It's just not that easy for me. It's such a contrast- when I should be working or studying, my mind is going a mile a minute and I can't concentrate on anything (this is why I mentioned ADHD). Yet when I'm in informal situations, with no purpose other than socialising, it's like my mind goes blank, and I have no idea what to say... I just can't seem to be an equal partner in any interaction...

looksee

You should not need to visit a GP more than once - either you say something like 'I am having problems with communicating with people (or whatever you feel would be a better description) and I am looking for advice on what kind of counsellor might be able to help me' or 'I think I might have ADHD and I would like to be assessed' he will pass you on to someone else or give you some names of counsellors to contact.

Quite honestly GPs do not have time to have lengthy, multiple discussion with people about the kind of issues you are discussing, he would be anxious to pass you on to someone who can be of assistance to you.

mikemac1

You say you are very introverted and you spend a lot of time on the internet

Is it possible you've diagnosed yourself with OCD and ADHD and told yourself you have an issue here?

Certainly go see a GP
I'm not dismissing you, god that would be an awful thing to do in this forum but by talking a bit more I'd guess you'd find the OCD things you do, well they're actually pretty normal after all

I don't know enough about ADHD to comment about that

JuliusCaesar

John90dc wrote: »

I’m always the person talking least in a group, and so much of the time, I just have no idea what to say. .....

Could this be because you overthink what you will say? Do you think about what people will think about what you say or judge you on what you do say?

John90dc wrote: »

I refused to accept that I was shy, preferring to say that I’m just awkward....

Why prefer 'awkward' to 'shy'? Shy is normal, awkward less so.

John90dc wrote: »

I don’t like wasting time on dull or “fluff” conversations

This is exactly how people get to know each other - talking about innocuous subjects, not by having conversations on profound topics.

John90dc wrote: »

Can anybody advise on what the best course of action for me might be?

Practical and action-focussed therapy/counselling such as CBT may be very useful.

Abigail66

hi John, sorry you have been finding this so hard for so long. I'm in my late 40s now but I do think that for me and lots of my friends, the teenage years and 20s can be so hard! You should remember that others feel the same as you do and also that it gets easier as you get older. I can relate to some of your problems. When I was in college I found it hard to talk in groups and I felt that everyone had a life, things to talk about re weekends and all that stuff. I did have friends but I think it was only in my late 20s and into my 30s that I felt secure with a group of friends around me. People operate in different ways. I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You should try first of all to be happy with yourself and that will make it easier for you to feel comfortable with others. Perhaps too don't be hard on others. Try to accept people as they are. Everyone is coming from their life experience, with their own stories, problems, and hangups. Don't expect to find everything you want from friends. Just ease up a bit, let it happen, and let the friendships develop. Some will fall by the wayside but others won't. There will be people who like being with you. Having niche interests is a great thing I think. If you do what you really enjoy doing, you will meet people through that circle. I had a very niche interest for years and when in my 20s I finally found others who had I felt like I was in a new world, where others understood me...and I'm still friends with them today. There are also people who don't like trivial conversations and you will find them. But just relax, know that it gets easier as you get older, get to know yourself first, get to like yourself and the more you do the less you will need people to "be" a certain way. Then just try to accept people as they are. Trust that they want to hear you, you have as much right to an opinion as anyone. OK some may not like you but there will be people who do. In the end it really is the kind of person you are that matters, not what you say and deep down most people know that..so if people can rely on you, trust you, think you have integrity, a mind of your own etc they will be drawn to you. If you don't like groups then aim at more one to one situations, which is what I did. I still feel more comfortable in one to one situations but there is nothing wrong with that. People are different in how they engage with the world. At your age things do seem more intense, you are still finding yourself to an extent and it can be confusing. Give yourself a break. TAke a few chances too perhaps, like ask someone if they would like to go to see a film or go for a drink or for a coffee or call over to your place for a coffee or a meal. Or join some club or do some voluntary work. Voluntary work is a good thing to do to meet people cos by doing the task of the voluntary work you already have something inc ommon with the people there, you are doing things together and you have shared experiences to talk about which in turn an lead to friendships. The deeper freindships will come in time. For now just try out a few things and see if they work for you and keep trying until you find something that you feel comfortable with.