What should I do?

LegacyUser

A member of my extended family in is hospital at the moment with a terminal illness. Its unlikely he will make it to Christmas. Family and friends are going in and saying their goodbyes, my parents have been onto me to get me to go in and see this person. I don't want to, he abused me as a child, it only ended when he moved to the States, I haven't seen him in over 15 years and to be completely honest the thoughts of being in the same room as this man is too much. I know he can't hurt me anymore but I don't care that he is dying and have nothing to say to him. My parents don't know about the abuse and this is not the time to tell them so what do I do? I have been making excuses but I know my dad is confused and angry with me that I would be so cold in this man's dying weeks. I can't sleep, its like I am back there again, all those feelings have hit me like a train. Should I go, should I not? Do I tell my family?

edellc

OP im so sorry your feeling this way, there is never a right or wrong time to be open to someone about what happened to you. I really do think you need to sit down with your parents and be honest with them about this issue, as if its going to effect your relationship with them in the long run due to your dad being mad at you for disrespecting this relative by not going and saying goodbye then it is something that has to be done.

I think with issues like this, one is always fearful that those closest to them wont believe them and its your word against theirs and in this case its a dying man. Then you have the questions about why you said nothing sooner and are you just attention seeking now due to this man dying...these are things that do happen although they really shouldn't as abuse of any kind should not be something that an individual makes up and really any sane person wouldnt do such a thing. I dont know what your family are like but I am worried that these things might be thrown at you and how that would effect you so Im just throwing them out there so you can prepare for them if they do happen. Obviously criminal action will not be taking place now, but you do need to if you haven't already come to some peace within yourself about this and realise that it was this sick individuals fault and never ever yours, so if you havent sought counselling already then I do urge you to speak to someone so you can let go of demons if you havent done so already

peace and love op x

Neyite

Its a right dilemma OP. I would be of the opinion that there is never a "right" time to tell parents that you were abused by a relative of theirs, and that this is as good a time as any.

This is the thing, OP, which I've realised since becoming a parent: my child does and will always come first -until I die. If he came to me about a relative I utterly adored hurting him I would want to know. I wouldn't want to grieve for a monster who caused my child hurt. I would want the opportunity to look that person in the eye and tell him I hope he goes to hell before he goes there.

It is going to be more hurtful to all if you keep this in - you get your family making a saint of him after he has gone. That's going to be very hard for you, and he has caused you enough hurt already.

Esoteric_

To add to what other people have said, they're right, there is NO good time to tell your parents that you were abused.

If you were to tell them after he died though, there's a chance that they may never have closure. By telling them now, yes it'll hurt them terribly (it will whenever or if-ever you tell them), but they'll get a chance to tell this man that they know what he did. He will know he never got away with it, people know what he's like.

It might not be easy for you, but the alternative is looking like a very nasty person who won't visit a 'poor' guy who is dying.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best, it's not an easy situation that you're in.

skyfall2012

Hi OP, I am not a psychologist nor have I been true what you have been through. I say this as a human being, your back is against the wall here and you have to decide 'what is best for you to do'. But I would like to offer another point of view with this and that is maybe the best thing to do is face your fear, he is now in a vulnerable place like you were then and tell him how much he hurt you and tell him you hope he rots in hell. Then go home and tell your parents you visited him.

LeeHoffmann

OP, I´d like to applaud your selflessness and your consideration of your parents feelings in all of this, despite the obvious pain all this has caused and still is causing you. I don´t think there´s one right answer here that anybody can give you. They can just give you various perspectives. I think though that you shouldn´t put yourself under pressure to do anything you don´t want to do. You are the person in this whole situation who most needs understanding and tenderness. Because at the moment your parents don´t know what you´ve been through, they cannot give your the tender care and understanding you need. If there is somebody (a friend etc) who does know about your secret, I would recommend letting them support you and be there for you during this. Either way, be kind and gentle with yourself.

For what it´s worth (because you asked for opinions), if I was you - and I have some experience with the issues you´re struggling with - I wouldn´t visit him. It doesn´t sound to me like you´re ready for such an intense and emotional encounter at this point. As to whether you should tell your parents, you have every right to do so. You do NOT have a duty to keep quiet about this until they are no longer grieving. I don´t have enough info to make such a call so I can only say - if you think it will help you, then do.
^ I have very little info really on your situation so take all the above with a pinch of salt.

Take care

Taltos

Hi OP.

I was staying out of replying here as beyond the excellent advice you have already received I really had nothing to add. However seeing the advice above about "facing your fears" - please please please don't do this.

Facing an abuser is not like facing a fear of spiders or anything else. They are phobias and generally irrational or primal, your fear is based on fact. Only if you had gone through years of counselling and were solid as a rock with your family behind you would I recommend you face this unmentionable - but you aren't there yet. And you might never be. And that is OK.

Look all I can say is to echo Neyite above - maybe it is time to talk to your parents - they might be shocked - but instead of facing them alone is there someone you can have sit beside you - just to give you that emotional support?

Either way - please also consider looking at some of the resources in our Charter - there are some numbers there you can call to talk to someone who is qualified to help you - unfortunately we really aren't. And following some of the well intentioned advice here could just set you back and you don't deserve that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and feedback, lots of food for thought. I am going to think it over and see. Telling my parents isn't really something I want to do, I've had counselling and am quite content not making this public. I don't like the idea that this situation might force me into telling people something I don't want them to know. At the very least I want to tell them on my own terms. Also have concerns of ruining what remains of my dads time with his brother. I want him to go to the grave without any drama for my dad's sake. He doesn't deserve to have his memory of his brother destroyed.

So again thanks, will mull things over. I'll post back anyway one way or another.

Cheers

P. Breathnach

Op, I am sorry that you have had such a bad experience, but pleased that you seem to be generally coping well, apart from the particular dilemma that you have brought here.

Can you say to your parents that you cannot visit this man because you would find it too upsetting, and yet avoid saying what is at the nub of your upset? They might even think that you are upset about his imminent death, and your father might draw some solace from it.

LegacyUser

Well my uncle has taken a turn for the worst, he is not expected to make it past the weekend. I didn't visit and I'm away with work this week so wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. I am relieved I don't have to lie.

My father is still angry, not talking to me in fact I've become very down the last few days, I have gone from feeling an almost sense of euphoria that this man is dying ( I know that is a terrible thing to say but I feel I should be honest here ) to feeling very down, I'm crying a lot, eating junk. I haven't felt this way in years. I'm angry with myself for letting this man continue to scare me. I'm worried about coming home and facing my dad, I'm worried about the funeral which I won't be able to avoid, I'm worried about burdening my parents with this.

skyfall2012

unsureincork wrote: »

Well my uncle has taken a turn for the worst, he is not expected to make it past the weekend. I didn't visit and I'm away with work this week so wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. I am relieved I don't have to lie.

My father is still angry, not talking to me in fact I've become very down the last few days, I have gone from feeling an almost sense of euphoria that this man is dying ( I know that is a terrible thing to say but I feel I should be honest here ) to feeling very down, I'm crying a lot, eating junk. I haven't felt this way in years. I'm angry with myself for letting this man continue to scare me. I'm worried about coming home and facing my dad, I'm worried about the funeral which I won't be able to avoid, I'm worried about burdening my parents with this.

As a parent, I would like to know if this happened to my child, I would like to be able to comfort them. I really feel for you, with your Dad not talking to you, having to attend this funeral, is making everything worse.

It sounds like you really love your Dad and Mom and normally have a good relationship with them, so I think you should give them a chance to help you. Your happiness is more important to your father than the memory of his brother. It is time you aloud yourself family support on this and not have to suffer in silence any more.

Scruffles

skyfall,
no it isnt terrible at all to experience positive feelings/thoughts about an abuser not having long left.
have never had permenent closure on the abuse he just went to america-him pemenently going away is closure in a sense,but theres going to be a lot of unsaid things on both sides probably and it will probably help if get some specialist abuse/counciling services involved as soon as possible to help properly heal this reopened wound.
it may also help,when the time comes to telling the parents about the abuse- getting an advocate involved who can help accompany and speak to them, especialy one who is specialised in abuse and will be able to help them understand.

no one has a right to tell someone else to go visit a relative in hospital regardless of the circumstances between them anyway-everyone copes in different ways.
some people wont go and see their relatives in hospital even when they get on with them greatly because they fear whats happening and are trying denie what is going on, however its not anyone elses right to say how they are coping is right or wrong.

perhaps look into joining a abuse support group if dont feel like coming out about it yet to chat to other abuse survivors.