Calling it a day

LegacyUser

After two miserable years, I finally resolved to make a clean and final breakup with my girlfriend. It is however close to x-mas, her birthday follows very soon after and after that she has booked us a small holiday up the country. These two things strung together brings us more or less to early Febuary. Should I just sweat through all three and hope I still have the bottle to end it then?

I think I have to do x-mas , as she typically has very tumultuous ones due to family issues, her birthday is early Jan ,so I feel I should hold on till then so as not to spoil it, but I suppose the key issue for me is the holiday, she booked and as far as I know paid it largely without my consultation so there is a financial penalty to this, Im guessing maybe 3/400 euro, it is however the week after her Bday so It would be very short notice for her to pull herself together and use the reservation with a friend. There is however the issue of her feeling led on or even used. I honestly have no strong feelings about the trip, I could take it or leave it. A part of me thinks it would be a nice final memory ,but I understand this is likely highly patronising in what will be a very traumatic breakup for both of us. I feel I could do the trip, wait a few weeks and then try and end things so It wouldnt be so flagrant ,but again this seems cynical and not a little bit manipulative, there's also a good chance I'll lose my nerve, as has often happened before.

There seems to be no appropriate jumping off point for this. I suspect some of you will say I should be honest with her now , but I simply couldn't do that to her. I re-iterate chistmas will be a very bad time for her, and a christmas with me, however bad things are is preferable to one alone. Id like to know what you all think.

CaraMay

Timing is everything wrote: »

There seems to be no appropriate jumping off point for this. I suspect some of you will say I should be honest with her now , but I simply couldn't do that to her.

Timing is everything wrote: »

I re-iterate chistmas will be a very bad time for her, and a christmas with me, however bad things are is preferable to one alone.

Timing is everything wrote: »

Id like to know what you all think.

you seem to want people to say its ok to stay with her until February.

You can't be honest with her now, you dont want to spend Xmas alone and you have said you dont want her to lose money for the holiday.

What advice are you looking for given you have stated you cant finish with her. Are you going to keep sleeping with her during this time?

Meauldsegosha

Are you sure you really want to break up with her? As resolved as you say you are you are prepared to stick it out for another 2 months and then, I suspect, you will find more excuses and reasons to stay.

If the last two years have been miserable for you they probably have been for her too. She might be glad to break up now.

ManOfMystery

Timing is everything wrote: »

There seems to be no appropriate jumping off point for this. I suspect some of you will say I should be honest with her now , but I simply couldn't do that to her. I re-iterate chistmas will be a very bad time for her, and a christmas with me, however bad things are is preferable to one alone. Id like to know what you all think.

You might not want to hear it, but the best course of action is ........................ wait for it .................... to be honest with her now.

I've been in a very similar situation and used every excuse under the sun to avoid ending it.

It's Xmas. Her birthday is coming up. Valentine's day is coming up. She's going out with friends next weekend and I don't want to ruin that. She's in a good mood recently and I don't want to spoil it. And so on.

I soon realised that they were empty excuses and I was just attempting to minimise my own guilt by ending things during what I classified as a 'good' time for her to handle. In doing so, I was also playing the martyr and being hugely patronising, unbeknown to her.

There is no such thing as a good time to do it. She will likely be upset no matter what day of the week it is. And when it ends and there is all likelihood of an argument, she will probably accuse you of being many things - at least she can't say then that you weren't honest or led her on if you end things now.

Don't take her for a fool. If you finish with her in Feb, she will put 2+2 together and realise that you waded through the entire Xmas and New Year period without saying anything. It's highly unlikely she'll accept an excuse that you were happy but simply had a massive change of heart in February, not unless there was some catalyst (like an affair) to blame for it.

You have to man up, and do it now. You are really not doing her any favours by leading it on, you're simply making it easier on yourself. People have coping mechanisms and I'm sure she'll make it through Xmas without you.

SineadMarie

Are you sure you want to break up with her, you say its been a miserable 2 years, so why havent you ended it sooner? Forget about the Xmas and her birthday, i think she would rather you were honest with her from now on! Yes break ups are hard and no-one wants to be alone this time of year really, but i'd rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship. It seems your looking for excuses to prolong it, come Feb sure you'll be using Valentines day as another excuse. Do it now man up! and set this woman free to find happiness else where.

tinkerbell

OP, tis never a good time to break up with someone but it has to be done. It's November, christmas is a month away. It's stupid to just stay with her for another 2+ months just because christmas, birthday, holiday, Valentines are coming up. How are you gonna go on holiday with her and then break up with her straight after? She's gonna know then that you just went on holiday for the sake of it, which is a lot worse. You said things have been miserable for 2 years, stop being miserable and do something about it. Break up with her now and by christmas hopefully she'll be over you.

ahnowbrowncow

CaraMay wrote: »

Are you going to keep sleeping with her during this time?

I dont think that's any your concern.

Anyway op, I think you should end it now. You're trying to say its for her benefit that you're not going to break up before christmas but wasting another 2 or 3 months in a dead end relationship isn't beneficial to you or her.

CaraMay

ahnowbrowncow wrote: »

I dont think that's any your concern.
.

It is if he wants clear feedback. From a female perspective I would be more pd off if he was sleeping with me knowing he wanted to dump me.

jimmycrackcorm

There's never going to be an easy time to break up. There'll always be some reason or other to postpone. The sooner you break up the sooner both of you can be with more suitable partners.

The old saying is very apt if you think she'll be hurt with Xmas and a birthday coming up: Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

ahnowbrowncow

CaraMay wrote: »

It is if he wants clear feedback. From a female perspective I would be more pd off if he was sleeping with me knowing he wanted to dump me.

I disagree. I Think everyone here has come to the conclusion that if he is going to end the relationship after Christmas he should do it now without knowing the intricate details

SineadMarie

CaraMay wrote: »

It is if he wants clear feedback. From a female perspective I would be more pd off if he was sleeping with me knowing he wanted to dump me.

Have to agree with this. I'd be the same.

Taltos

All - back on track please.
Discussions can result in warnings / infractions / bans.

Thanks
Taltos

stargazer 68

Timing is everything wrote: »

After two miserable years, I finally resolved to make a clean and final breakup with my girlfriend.
Should I just sweat through all three and hope I still have the bottle to end it then?

Look at these two points that you have made. Yes she will be hurt however she would be more hurt to read these! Be honest with her op and stop 'doing her favours' because you aren't!

One of my sisters was going out with a lad for three years and he broke up with her during the harshest time of her life, a lot of crap happened her, including her friend tragically dying. When he broke up with her it was a week before her birthday and three weeks before christmas.

At the time we all thought he was a heartless bastard, but in retrospect at least he didnt lead her on any more and waste both their time, and he didnt disrespect her by continuing to sleep with her either. It took balls for him to do it at that particular time. Breaking up is a really hard time for both parties, i think if you respect her you should just get it over with and break up with her , theres never a good time

pickarooney

If it's been two miserable years she'll quite likely be relieved it's over. Chances are she's wondering the same thing herself.

Princess Peach

I was led on for a while before because the guy wanted to wait for the right time to break up with me, and that included a short trip.

When he broke up with me shortly afterwards and I questioned this I felt sick to my stomach that he had been with me when he didn't want to be, I felt really used too as he had still been sleeping with me.

Tell her now, its not going to be easy, but it won't be easy waiting either.

Sesudra

I was in your girlfriends postion OP - I was with my then partner for 3 years, and we had a massive foreign holiday planned. We went, I thought we were getting on brilliant, having a great time...and 3 days before we were due to fly home, he literally blurted out that he wanted to finish things. I was totally shocked, and he said he'd been planning it for a while but had wanted the holiday over with first but in the end hadn't been able to contain himself. To say I was devestated was an understatement, and it totally ruined my memories of the holiday and made me question everything that had happened in the previous few months, wondering had he been planning it during my birthday, Christmas, visits to my family etc etc.

My advice? Tell her now. She won't thank you for waiting, as others have said, once she figures out you stayed with her over Christmas and January so she won't be upset. Bottom line, she will be upset, but you owe her the courtesy of treating her like an adult and not someone to be coddled.

Best of luck

RossFixxxed

As the others have said, there is NO good time for bad news. Man up and do it now. Stop cowering behind pathetic excuses and treat her with the respect due to a partner of 2 years.

Oryx

Couple of points for you:

It sounds to me that rather than sparing her feelings you want to spare your own. Youd rather do the easy thing (stay a couple) than face the hardship and hard feelings of a breakup. Lets face it, you seem to have been stuck in this rut for two years, because you cant face a breakup.

There is no good time to break up, but I dont agree that Christmas is the worst time. Imo, its one of the best times. Parties happening, meeting with friends and family, plenty of distractions for her, hopefully. If her family is tumultuous, she has to deal with it. Boyfriend or no, you are not her crutch.

This is going to be hard no matter when you do it, but if you wait and she has the faintest idea you premeditated it for a while, she will be even more hurt than if you leave now. Yes, you may be accused of being heartless, but this has to be done. She will thank you in the long run.

Ending a relationship should be like tearing off a plaster; it needs to be quick and straightforward.

Idle Passerby

End it with her now. She may have a crappy Christmas (she may also have a great Christmas, you dont know that) either way, by the time the holiday comes around she'll have had time to organise going with someone else and with any luck she'll be well over someone who didnt want to be with her and selfishly wanted to keep it going out of his own cowardice.

outoftheblue

Speaking as a person who has recently been broken up with there is no good time to do it. If you are miserable, do it now. I was devastated when my ex broke up with me but I am glad he was honest with me and didn't let it drag out. I would have hated it if he had stayed with me miserable for months just for the sake of it..