Flirting...

LegacyUser

I moved into a new estate a few years ago, me and some of the other Moms got to know each other over about a year. We had turns inviting each other to one another's house for drinks. The first night I had the drinks in my house my husband came home and gave us all a fright by creeping up on us and shouting 'boo!' He went to bed as he didn't fancy sitting amongst all us inebriated women. After a while one of the women decided to get my husband back and told the other two 'to follow her', she went into the bedroom and jumped on top of him in the bed. The other two stood at the door in their drunken stupor. He was pissed off about this and wanted to say something to her the next day. But I did not want to upset the apple cart and put it down to drink, so told him 'to let it go'. There were other minor unwanted flirtations from her to him after that, but not just to my husband, to our mutual friends husband, so she wasn't targeting my husband in particular. But it seemed as though she was playing games with us. Anyhow, I eventually sent her an email stating; how I wasn't going to pretend we lived in a trailer park any more and that her behaviour around my husband was out of order. She rang me and said 'she was a dedicated wife and mother and that I was paranoid'. Her husband rang mine to try smooth things over and said that 'she was just having a bit of fun' when she jumped on him in the bed that time. He wanted us to talk it over, but my husband said 'to give it a few days', but nobody initiated the talks after that. Now we pass each other everyday and never speak. I can live with this, but I wish it didn't have to be this way.
If I had let my husband deal with it back then, would we still be talking now or was this inevitable?

tinkerbell

OP, she sounds like a weirdo. She went into your bedroom and jumped on top of your husband. How would you feel if it was you in bed and a friend of your husband jumped on top of you? That's screwed up. You should never have brushed it under the carpet in the first place. I would cut ties with her, she sounds like a loose canon.

cantdecide

It was a childish prank perpetrated by a childish person and this in itself doesn't sound like "flirting" at all. Some people are just flirty and I would have advised you to smile, let it go and start avoiding her if it made you uncomfortable. You convinced your husband to let it go and then you had a go yourself so I think you did yourself no favours by trying to have the last word by emailing her. I'm not sure how you expected a positive outcome when using words like "trailer park" and unless there's more to this, I think you should accept that you could have handled things differently and now you can no longer blame her entirely for the awkwardness.

IrishEyes19

Agree with the above poster. Of course its awkward now, I dont blame you, its pretty uncomfortable situation but you did decline to talk it over in person, it probably would have been better

fungun

I eventually sent her an email stating; how I wasn't going to pretend we lived in a trailer park any more and that her behaviour around my husband was out of order.

Thats well out of order. She was being foolish, childish etc but did it right in front of you, not like she was trying to hide anything; you could have stopped it there and then....and your husband wanted to deal with it there and then....it was you that told him not to. You should have just let him say it to her.

Its you that has now turned silliness into something more with your accusations of inappropriateness so i think you are now primarily to blame for this awkwardness...from her point of view you were all drinking together and a few went down to the room and jumped on the bed....silly prank....and now you accuse her via email of trying to steal her husband.....if I were her Id cut ties with you too, as Id be thinking 'bunny boiler'

Meauldsegosha

Her jumping on the bed was a bit of drunken stupidness, you were there, two of your friends were there. To me it wouldn't be a big deal. You told your husband not to do anything so you can't hold that against the woman.

As her her being flirtatious with people that is probably just her nature. Is there a bit of jealousy there, OP? From what you said in your email it seems so. You made the situation awarkward and now you have to live with it.

CommanderC

How well did she know yourself and your husband before the 'jumping on him' incident ?

If you guys were good friends at the time, then I would see it as some harmless fun.

If you were still in the early, getting to know each other, stage then- WTF ?!?! She sounds like a weirdo.......and I would forget about her.

LegacyUser

CommanderC wrote: »

How well did she know yourself and your husband before the 'jumping on him' incident ?

If you guys were good friends at the time, then I would see it as some harmless fun.

If you were still in the early, getting to know each other, stage then- WTF ?!?! She sounds like a weirdo.......and I would forget about her.

That's it she did not know him at all! It was the first night I had drinks in my house. But, I did not want to ruin things because it may have been a silly prank done with drink on board. But, she did other stuff after that, that made me think, that she is doing this on purpose. One of our mutual friends told me, that this person was in her house one day, she was upset and talking to said friend and her husband. She asked said friend's husband for a hug to make her feel better. My question is why wouldn't she ask her friend for a hug? Friend thought she was crazy and didn't take her too seriously and gave the husband the nod to give crazy girl a hug.
On another occasion I had friends visiting from abroad husband, wife and kids. This girl said that she didn't like how much attention this woman was paying her husband and she was not looking to talk to my girlfriend at all (when kids playing outside), I didn't take much notice or was in denial. But we were at a party one evening and problem individual was taking a huge amount of photos of my girlfriend's husband, they left early! I could go on.

So what is the psychology behind this persons behavior, how do you manage to be friends with someone like this (it feels very disrespectful to me every time my husband is around she pulls some stunt)? I am in no doubt where the problem lay, my question is what would have been the best way to deal with this, where she might curb her behavior and perhaps we could still be friends.

LegacyUser

Did anybody else have a similar scenario and how did you handle it better? Where she understood the boundaries and you are still friends.

tinkerbell

OP, sounds like she's a massive flirt bag who gets her kicks out of throwing herself at other women's husbands. Personally I wouldn't waste my time on someone like that and presumably your husband isn't comfortable around her either. I'd just distance myself from her if I were you, no need to tell her outright to feck off but do it subtly, ie do 't make yourself available to hang out, etc.

Chucky the tree

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, sounds like she's a massive flirt bag who gets her kicks out of throwing herself at other women's husbands. Personally I wouldn't waste my time on someone like that and presumably your husband isn't comfortable around her either. I'd just distance myself from her if I were you, no need to tell her outright to feck off but do it subtly, ie do 't make yourself available to hang out, etc.

Too late for that because the OP handled the situation terribly.

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Too late for that because the OP handled the situation terribly.

Let me guess chucky, you handle everything in your life just perfectly!

Thanks @Tinkerbell, but chucky is right, we don't talk. I am just wondering how to handle crazy people like her in the future, cos I am not use to meeting them. But I did enjoy her company aside from her thing for peoples' husbands, even though she had her own perfectly nice intelligent husband.

So maybe I was heavy handed, or maybe you @Tinkerbell are right, there was no hope for this friendship and there was no better way to deal with her bizarre behavior.

Just to note, I emailed her because little ears are always listening.

skyfall2012

Your husband and kids are all that really matter and if the people that surround you don't respect that then you are better off without them. She is an adult and should know better, you shouldn't have been put into this situation in the first place. You will just have to live with the awkwardness, but better than putting up with her inappropriate behavior. Good luck!

cantdecide

unfriend wrote: »

I am just wondering how to handle crazy people like her in the future

If she, or anyone, is a bit too off-the-wall for your taste, your option is a) get used to it or b) don't let them in to your life. There is no hidden option c) make them conform to your expectations of them.

unfriend wrote: »

Just to note, I emailed her because little ears are always listening.

I don't know what this means. If you are having difficulties with your friends, you don't email demands, you're supposed to sort it out face to face like a grown-up.

LegacyUser

cantdecide wrote: »

If she, or anyone, is a bit too off-the-wall for your taste, your option is a) get used to it or b) don't let them in to your life. There is no hidden option c) make them conform to your expectations of them.



I don't know what this means. If you are having difficulties with your friends, you don't email demands, you're supposed to sort it out face to face like a grown-up.

I don't mind off-the-wall, I like it in fact, she was just off! You let people into your life trusting that they understand the boundaries and know that if they don't stay behind the line, then they end up ruining a good thing.

I have no expectation of this women, but her not to jump on my husband while he sleeps, I would be mad with my mother if she did it.

Little ears means children, we both have children and are rarely alone. I don't know what qualifies you to suggest that writing an email is not grown-up. You seem to feel comfortable at letting people know your thoughts through the written word.

daisybelle2008

unfriend wrote: »

I am just wondering how to handle crazy people like her in the future, cos I am not use to meeting them.

Just stay away, just the way you are. You are doing nobody any favours. You think she is crazy, she most likely thinks you are from your behaviour. Move on and be happy. The fact you won't drop it does raise the question if you are jealous on some level or threatened by her. It is a bit unhealthy.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Just stay away, just the way you are. You are doing nobody any favours. You think she is crazy, she most likely thinks you are from your behaviour. Move on and be happy. The fact you won't drop it does raise the question if you are jealous on some level or threatened by her. It is a bit unhealthy.

People who look for advise on how to handle a situation better, don't tend to be unhealthy. If you read my previous posts we don't speak, so my behaviour is fine. If it is the fact that I referred to her as crazy, who doesn't when they talk about someone who has p1ssed them off.

I am seeking advise to try and improve myself and learn how to handle these situations better, instead I get criticized, but silly me I am seeking advise on the Internet. I thought because it was an Irish site it would be Ok. Clearly not. No need to reply.

Taltos

OP

it is very easy to get annoyed at the advise here - printed word and all that intentions get misunderstood, comments get blown out of proportion, just like an email actually.

My suggestion for this type of issue is never to send an email or a letter - as above they can get misinterpreted.
I use emails for work colleagues - or maybe for a solicitor. For friends / family if it is something important to me I make the time to pull that person aside - away from listening ears - to talk about it like adults, quick word, no hard feelings away you go.

Sending an email was as you now know 100% the wrong thing to do - no matter how you now seek to justify it. Either way all you can do now is let the dust settle but emails / texts etc - never use them for conflict resolution, ever.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP

it is very easy to get annoyed at the advise here - printed word and all that intentions get misunderstood, comments get blown out of proportion, just like an email actually.

My suggestion for this type of issue is never to send an email or a letter - as above they can get misinterpreted.
I use emails for work colleagues - or maybe for a solicitor. For friends / family if it is something important to me I make the time to pull that person aside - away from listening ears - to talk about it like adults, quick word, no hard feelings away you go.

Sending an email was as you now know 100% the wrong thing to do - no matter how you now seek to justify it. Either way all you can do now is let the dust settle but emails / texts etc - never use them for conflict resolution, ever.

Hi, I understood the sentiment in your post, and I think you may well be right, about taking her aside 'saying my piece' and leaving with 'no hard feelings' therefore if she continued her behavior, then we could deal with that and the feelings of resentment would not have built up inside me.

I appreciate some of the other posters here who have empathized with what this girl put me through and it is ultimately her fault the friendship ended because of her lack of self awareness or her deviousness, I am not sure which.

The reason I posted is that neither of us are winners here, because we had a good thing going and our kids were good friends. I just want to clarify, 'I am 'not jealous' but feel sad at the loss of our friendship when I see her everyday.

One of the posters mentioned; 'me not dropping it', I don't speak to her, so as far as she is concerned it is dropped, but if you mean on this thread, well it is my thread and I wanted to discuss it with people and tease it out.

Furious_George

just a suggestion but maybe you could meet this lady for a coffee and talk it out. You dont have to go back to being great friends but in the interest of having to be neighbours and having to interact occasionally at neighbourhood events then i think trying to get back to some sort of talking terms may be wise. You dont want it getting to the stage where others in the estate start having to wonder which of you they can invite to events as it would be too unpleasant/awkward to invite both.

LegacyUser

Furious_George wrote: »

just a suggestion but maybe you could meet this lady for a coffee and talk it out. You dont have to go back to being great friends but in the interest of having to be neighbours and having to interact occasionally at neighbourhood events then i think trying to get back to some sort of talking terms may be wise. You dont want it getting to the stage where others in the estate start having to wonder which of you they can invite to events as it would be too unpleasant/awkward to invite both.

Thank you, I will definitely think about your suggestion. I wouldn't be sure that she would go along with it, but it may be worth a try, if she declines, at the end of the day I tried to mend the bridges.