He says I demotivate him

LegacyUser

I am married to this man for 8 years now and we have son as well.overall our relationship is very good. He likes discussing all sort of things with me, his work, family, friends, etc. We have a strong friendship bond in our relationship.He even says that I get a lot of insight from you, but when some serious turns of life are to be handled he blames me that I demotivate him. In recent days he is desperate to change his field of work and go in an entirely new direction for which he finds hard to get a job that meets the current salary standards (he said he definitely wont get to the equals). So yesterday he came to me and said I think this job application will work forward ( as it is already in process, etc) but I am not sure if I should go for it as it is degrading his salary.to which I said go for it if its the work you really want to do.We may find it hard to balance (as we are making 0 savings with the current salary and I cant work due to visa restrictions) but we may find a work around, may be we can shift to a little less expensive house,to which he said this wont save us much but actually I would save us 200 a month. his salary might be 500 less than b4. He just bursted out of no where that what I am trying to say is you should not change the job. I left the talk but after a while I tried to clarify what and why I was saying so, but he said he didnt want to talk to me as I demotivate him.
He said this many times b4 as well but I tried to swallow this thinking I might be making some communication flaws and sincerely I have changed my outlook and reactions a lot during these 8 years but everytime listening this 'U are demotivating me' is killing me and my confidence. how come he find this problem every time and still comes to me for all his confusions and wants to get answers from me but not ready to understand what I am trying to say?( it not exclamation a serious question mark)
helpful answers plz, "I want to make the relationship better and dont want to run from it.

LegacyUser

op again
It would save us 200 euros a month
typing mistake but couldnt edit it

Curry Addict

from what you typed, its not your communication. on discussing an issue with you, you merely point out some practicalities which are very important factors in the decision making process. he is then demotivated by the realities.
the fact that he chooses to make a passive aggressive comment aimed at you, would make me think that maybe he is possibly harboring a resentment.
this resentment may not be personal to you but maybe be a product of your situation together.
This comment is not a fair comment and is understandably upsetting to you.

I would suggest that you present it to him in a delicate manner along the lines of "does he feel a little stifled in his current situation" and what can ye do to improve the situation and later bring in the point about it indirectly hurting you with these unfair comments.

curlzy

Hey OP

He is being a bit of sh*t to you. If he doesn't want your real thoughts on a matter then he shouldn't ask for them. All of the points you raised should always be considered when moving jobs. Him being passive-aggressive and calling you a demotivator is nasty. Does he just want you to be blindly supportive and not mention any of the very serious aspects of changing jobs? You wouldn't be sensible or mature if you just blindly went along with with whatever he said without considering the financial impact on you, him and your son. Don't tiptoe around him either, you've done nothing wrong, he's being a sh*t and should be apologising. Next time he says you demotivate him tell him to stop asking your advise if he doesn't want it. I understand you want to fix this but he's at fault here, not you.

Best of luck.

ash23

Maybe he was hoping for a different response? Is there nothing ye can do about the visa restrictions to enable you to work?

I think he might be a bit resentful about being the main breadwinner to be honest. He hates his current job but can't change to what he really wants to do without cutting the lifestyle your family have. He might feel guilty about making that change if it means it will affect the standard of living his family currently have. But he might also resent that you can't bring in an income which would enable him to take his chosen career path.

He's not right to communicate it the way he has though. But perhaps it might be part of how he is feeling.

BBDBB

sounds to me like he is feeling a bit guilty about pursuing his dream job because he realises the significant downturn it will mean to you all. That guilt and desire is in conflict inside his head and its a frustrating place for him to be, so he has lashed out at you verbally for pointing out something he already knows

a fat guy

Sometimes people act out aggressively instead of dealing with the actual problem.