I know I shouldn't but should I?

HonorRoller

I know shouldn't go for her but should I? Well this girl and I are having an animosity right now. Last summer, after one month of no contact, I confessed my feelings to this girl and it was a wrong timing because turned out she has a boyfriend but now they broke up. She is Muslim (liberal) by the way with a strict mother so I didn't contact her as she said.

Before she broke up her bf though, I kept telling her to break up with her boyfriend because I thought he was a player considering he followed her to the bathroom. Of course, me being inexperienced, I told her to assuming that she knows I am saying it as a friend. I admit that I overreacted and letting me to be her shoulder to cry on and letting her tell me that she had oral with her ex although she didn't go on third base because she wasn't ready. Basically I let her dump her problems on me. I realised too late that I acted as the surrogate boyfriend. I also called her an easy girl, I admit it was pure jealousy even though she did nothing wrong. But I have been let use by this girl, I am so inexperienced and naive. She changed over the summer and became manipulative and I thought that she was a decent and 'unbitchy' girl.

Now, it turns out that she likes me all along and I was oblivious to see the signs before last summer. She starts to avoid me few weeks ago and when she confronted me, she thought I am the one avoiding the group (there are four of us and she is the 'leader'). So I explained that I am actually trying to get a different girl. I can see that she is jealous, bringing up about the other girl I like now quite a lot and even saying she 'heard' a rumour that the girl I am going for must be seeing someone. I also think that she is playing the jealousy card because she showed me a kiss mark on her neck (looks like vague lipstick to be honest) and claiming she got a new boyfriend.

Now I have four options:
1. Cut ties with her and hang around with different people instead as my other friend said. Though that would be a difficult matter to achieve because I am a boring nerd. It's not that I am shy but it's just that I don't click with other more outgoing people, in which my class is filled with, on the long term.

2. Stay in the group but be ambivalent towards her. Also difficult because two of my other friends in the group seem ambivalent towards me because of what I did. However, they are getting sick of her girlfriend rants and unloading her problems on to us.

3. Actually go for her and maybe both of us will change. She will be more calm and admittingly I will be more 'manly'. That's my friend's wild suggestion. Realistically speaking, my friendship between me and the girl is now gone and we now crossed the line. Since, we are stuck with each other for the next two years in college, maybe we should go for it to avoid awkwardness and besides she likes me. But the thing is my feelings for her is now largely gone and even if we do try it, I don't see it working well. We have different attitude to relationships. She is commitment phobic and that is one of the reason why she broke up with her ex while I on the other hand don't mind.

4. Talk to her directly and ask what is going on as my other friends say. Maybe she is waiting for me to do it because I am the man. But another friend of mine told me not to and leave her for the moment until she becomes comfortable with me again like she used to if she wants the friendship to continue. To be honest I think this is the best option.

I don't know what to do. I stupidly kindled the fire but then again the girl I am talking about is impatient and can be unwilling to forgive. She said to forget what happen but clearly she doesn't. I also think that if I do go for her, I suspect I am simply an ego-booster for her. She is beautiful and sexy and a lot of guys chase her. Before, she ignored this other guy she used to hang around with because he sends mixed signals whether he likes her or not and she severed her ties with this guy. So she is the kind of girl who needs pleasing a lot of the times. I get the feel (but not overwhelming)) to go for her but I know I shouldn't. I get the stronger feel that I should do option 4 but it may also be wrong.

castle

You both must be about 14 the way this story reads, just enjoy life

Taltos

Can I remind posters to review our charter.
If you cannot post in a constructive and civil manner you are asked not to post, it's not fair to the OP and at worst can seriously derail a thread.

Thanks.
Taltos

Meauldsegosha

Apart from saying she is beautiful and sexy, you don't have any nice to say about her. Why would you want to be in a realationship with someone who you don't like or respect? You don't think the relationship will work so why put yourself through the hassle.

HonorRoller

@castle
Yup, it's always a drama with her. Any guys actually do get into problems with her. She is pretty immature and is like being a teenager again but she doesn't realise it.

@Meauldsegosha
I agree. She is not exactly a nice girl to be in relationship with. Any guys would be committing suicide. I guess I should be ambivalent towards her but stay in the group. As my other friend say, she is not really a street smart. I suppose I should just get a different girl. She sort of play with men's emotion. I have seen her being bitchy to another guy who keeps chasing her. Also it seems she doesn't respect me anymore as well.

EDIT: Sorry for the double post.

RossFixxxed

I am absolutely gobsmacked by the level of the posts from the OP.

She is not exactly a nice girl to be in relationship with. Any guys would be committing suicide.

Remarkably melodramatic, and what are you doing with her then?

The choices you presented are ridiculous too. Make up your own mind what you want to do and then speak to her like a human being. "Pretending" to have boyfriends, the whold thing is an absolute head melter.

I'm trying to be constructive and civil but the genuine advice is that you both need a lot of growing up and life experience before attempting to have a remotely adult relationship. Get your own shop in order.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you want to be with her because she is very beautiful. She obviously knows she is very beautiful, and can afford to be "bitchy" to boys that like her because she knows they think she is some sort of goddess.

But by your own admission she is not a nice girl.

So why bother? Good looking is obviously important, but you also have to actually like someone if you want to go out with them.

She not jealous of you liking other girls because she likes you and wants to be with you. She's jealous of you liking other girls, because she doesn't want you liking them, she wants you to like her and only her, and follow her around like everyone else does.

My advice - admire her from a far for her physical beauty - but go find yourself a girlfriend you like, and who likes you.

HonorRoller

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I am absolutely gobsmacked by the level of the posts from the OP.


Remarkably melodramatic, and what are you doing with her then?

The choices you presented are ridiculous too. Make up your own mind what you want to do and then speak to her like a human being. "Pretending" to have boyfriends, the whold thing is an absolute head melter.

I'm trying to be constructive and civil but the genuine advice is that you both need a lot of growing up and life experience before attempting to have a remotely adult relationship. Get your own shop in order.

Forgive me for the childish drama I have but this is killing me. We are both 19 and haven't had much experience. Both of us haven't had previous experience on the relationship scene, strict Asian culture we both have. Both of our parents treating us like children. Clearly it reflects right now.

@Big Bag of Chips
Yeah I also think that perhaps she is actually jealous that I like a different girl.

Meauldsegosha

HonorRoller wrote: »

@Big Bag of Chips
Yeah I also think that perhaps she is actually jealous that I like a different girl.

She is not jealous that you like someone else, she just doesn't like the fact that you are not giving her your full attention. If you like someone else go for it with them. You are young and in college you should be enjoying yourself and this time in your life. She girl will always create drama because she loves the attention don't get caught up in it.

Big Bag of Chips

She is not jealous that YOU like someone else, she is jealous that ANYONE would like someone else.

She knows she is beautiful. She likes that she gets lots of attention from boys/men. She doesn't like if she doesn't get that attention.

She does not like you more than anyone else. She just wants you to like HER more than anyone else.

Sounds confusing, but it is quite simple. If you like someone else, and you think they like you, ask them out. You are wasting your time with this girl.

HonorRoller

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

She is not jealous that you like someone else, she just doesn't like the fact that you are not giving her your full attention. If you like someone else go for it with them. You are young and in college you should be enjoying yourself and this time in your life. She girl will always create drama because she loves the attention don't get caught up in it.

Thank you for the advise and encouragement. It is true that in a way she loves drama and excitement. She complains that she is tired of her life and the drama but she is the one who ask for something exciting without thinking ahead.

I am going psychoanalytical on this one but I think that even though her mom is strict on her hanging out with boys and going out, she is also being spoiled. Her mom buys her clothes and many other materialistic things. I think this makes her egocentric but also conflicted.

HonorRoller

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She is not jealous that YOU like someone else, she is jealous that ANYONE would like someone else.

She knows she is beautiful. She likes that she gets lots of attention from boys/men. She doesn't like if she doesn't get that attention.

She does not like you more than anyone else. She just wants you to like HER more than anyone else.

Sounds confusing, but it is quite simple. If you like someone else, and you think they like you, ask them out. You are wasting your time with this girl.

I am aware that I am just wasting my time with this girl. I think it's best if I sever ties and hang around with different people. Things are too awkward now. I think it would be best if I talk to her first. Get things straighten out. I need some Dutch courage though....

Big Bag of Chips

What do you want to 'straighten out'? Unless you want to apologise for things you said to her.

I wouldn't bother with anything else. There's nothing else to say, and anything you do say (about liking her) will just give her more reason to be 'bitchy' to you.

That's what I think anyway.

Ask the other girl out.

HonorRoller

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What do you want to 'straighten out'? Unless you want to apologise for things you said to her.

I wouldn't bother with anything else. There's nothing else to say, and anything you do say (about liking her) will just give her more reason to be 'bitchy' to you.

That's what I think anyway.

Ask the other girl out.

Not apologise but maybe ask what is going on. Though maybe that would be a bad idea too.

And yes I will ask the other girl out.

stargazer 68

HonorRoller wrote: »

Not apologise but maybe ask what is going on. Though that would be a bad idea too.

And yes I will ask the other girl out.

Op seriously dont waste your time with this girl any more. Ask the other girl out and move on!

Big Bag of Chips

You don't need to ask her what's going on.. you've asked us and we've told you

She doesn't want to go out with you, she just likes the attention she gets from you (and others)!

Oh, and be prepared for some extra attention from her when she hears you've asked the other girl out. She will start flirting with you trying to 'win you back' from this girl. Not because she wants you, but so she knows you want her!

Don't fall for it.

HonorRoller

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You don't need to ask her what's going on.. you've asked us and we've told you

She doesn't want to go out with you, she just likes the attention she gets from you (and others)!

Oh, and be prepared for some extra attention from her when she hears you've asked the other girl out. She will start flirting with you trying to 'win you back' from this girl. Not because she wants you, but so she knows you want her!

Don't fall for it.

Thank you very much. I will ask the other girl out but she is in a pack, I get along with them most of them except that the girl I like hangs around with an initmidating girl. It would be challenging.

Another problem as well would be perhaps severing ties with the girl I'm having problems with.

I don't know what happened to that girl, she changed during the summer or that I just got to know her.

EDIT: She is also a thinking girl but also considerate. She can realise what is wrong with her but I will just let her discover it herself. I'll let her talk to me or something if she wants to stay friends.

Big Bag of Chips

You're not having problems with her!

You like her more than she likes you. She doesn't need you to let her know what is "wrong with her". There is nothing "wrong with her", she's a good looking girl who likes the attention that brings.. that's all.

OP - most of us here are a few years ahead of you. What you are going through now is completely normal, teenage/first romance stuff. It feels like the end of the world to you and the most important thing in the world right now (it did too all of us at the time!)

We went through it, now it's your turn to go through it. We're just here to let you know - from experience - this isn't as big a deal as you are making it be!

When you get older you will look back and smile at your "problems" now!

Meauldsegosha

HonorRoller wrote: »

I think it would be best if I talk to her first. Get things straighten out. .

I wouldn't bother you are just giving her the drama she wants.

HonorRoller

Thank you guys so much and I know it's not the end of the world but I admit it's a big deal. She thinks I am innocent when likewise she is too. I can easily admit my faults and guilt but on the other hand she is quite slow at it. She finished leaving cert when she was 16 and restricted by her mother while I just didn't see the world until now due to my parents too.

Both of us are too late for a teen drama aren't we?

Big Bag of Chips

If you're 19, you're still a teen! Especially if you are both quite sheltered, and for want of a better word 'immature'.

You haven't had the world experiences that some people your age have had, so its all new territory for you. You haven't been allowed, yet, to mature into adults. You are only starting.

Take this for what it is, a teen drama. And use it as your starting point for becoming an adult. No more silly fights, no more playing games pretending to like someone/ask someone out.

You're still young, and still learning.

HonorRoller

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you're 19, you're still a teen! Especially if you are both quite sheltered, and for want of a better word 'immature'.

You haven't had the world experiences that some people your age have had, so its all new territory for you. You haven't been allowed, yet, to mature into adults. You are only starting.

Take this for what it is, a teen drama. And use it as your starting point for becoming an adult. No more silly fights, no more playing games pretending to like someone/ask someone out.

You're still young, and still learning.

Hahaha thanks. I'l just leave her as it is and let things flow. Maybe if dusts settle, we can be friends again. Though if I decide to sever ties with her it would be difficult to do. We're fighting like we are couples even though we are not haha.