Too busy for a relationship? OR just a lame exscuse

LegacyUser

My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. she is a workaholic (and I mean she REALLY REALLY is a workaholic!!) , and had a lot of personal and family woes and worries also.

She broke up with me because I wanted to see more of her but she felt guilty about letting me down etc.

Now she wants to be friends (gahhhh!!!) . we met for a chat and she explained the reason was that she was too busy with work and life ans stressed and someting had to give (I guess that something was me!!)

Anyhow I think a part of her regrets it. She said she misses me. That she doesnt what o cut me out of her life and cut ties, that she genuinely cares for me.

I told her i still am attracted , still care about her and have feelings for her so that I find the friendship thing somewhat difficult. She said she'd give me more time to see how I feel .

What do i do?

Anyone ever been the one that dumps because too busy yet wants to remain friends, whats the real reason

kravmaga

She is just trying to let you down gently, not hurt your feelings, women use this tactic all the time. Its a red herring saying she still cares for you. She just wants to manipulate you and find out if you are seeing new people. Controlling behaviour. Kind wants her cake and eat it situation.

Be strong , have no contact with her,

I have been on the receiving end of it also.

In my experience I dont keep friends with ex's, I move on.

Get back out there on the dating scene , join a club, keep busy.

Time is a great healer.

CaraMay

Oh move on.... If you are not boyfriend standard why would you want to take the scraps off her table. She wants you when it suits her and maybe to feed her ego. you deserve more.

Stavro Mueller

Someone saying they're too busy for a relationship very often translates into English as "I'm not interested in having a relationship with you". It's the oldest excuse in the book. The other things she said to you just confirms this. No person in their right mind just lets Mr/Miss Right slip away like that.

The "let's be friends" thing is hogwash. It's really not going to do you any good in the short term. Maybe it might work when you get over her but certainly not now. You're hoping she has made a mistake in dumping you (unlikely) and you'll be giving yourself false hope. It's going to stop you from moving on and you're potentially lining yourself up for hurt. How will you feel, for example if you went to the pub with her and she started chatting to another guy? Or she gets herself a new boyfriend?

For your own sake, cut contact. It's no skin off her nose to keep you as a friend because she is the one who did the dumping. In effect she's over you already and she is stringing you along. Maybe for an ego boost, maybe because she's trying to let you down gently. Either way, the current scenario is doing you no good.

curlzy

OP, I don't what her motives were/are. I don't know if she's using you now or manipulating you or if she really misses you. I don't think any of that matters.

What matters is that you weren't as important to her as her job. What matters is you are very very hurt and seeing her hurts you more. What matters here is you. So do what's best for you. Cut contact, delete her from your life and move on for real. When you're ready find a girl that puts you first and gives as much as you give in a relationship. You deserve that. Ultimately she wasn't good enough for you, don't waste your time and heart on her.

Best of luck.

Lorna123

Being friends with someone you are attracted to and want more from is never going to work. You will just be lining yourself up for more hurt in the future. You will analyze every little thing she says and does and look for ulterior motives trying to persuade yourself that she is more interested in you than she says she is. She will put you through the mill.

Just say to her "I am attracted to you and I could not do the friends thing but if you are ever interested in more from me give me a call", and just leave it at that. Don't listen to anything less from her. It won't work.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your replies.

I think I needed to be told all those things that you wrote.

A 'red herring' , yes I agree.

I guess in my heart of hearts we probably couldnt make it work for a good number of reasons.

I find it hard to not care for though, she has been through a lot, and has confided a lot in me, and I dont want her to think that I dont care about all that regardless of a relationship or not. Its difficult.

Thanks anyway for your responses.

Tasden

OP, I broke up with someone because I was too busy for a relationship. I work two jobs-one which is quite demanding and heavy going at times, have a child, my friends etc. He was the newest addition to my already hectic life and I realised soon into our relationship that he was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

While I may have had the time for dates etc. I did not have the time to commit to an ongoing relationship involving regular contact and meeting up. I could not see the guy regularly without it being an ordeal trying to plan around everything else. And fitting him in to my schedule every now and again is not my idea of a relationship so I decided it was best and fair for both of us if I end it before we became too involved. And to be honest I missed having my own time, every single bit of free time I had was being spent with him which wasn't very often but it meant I had no time to myself.

I decided it was best to be honest with the guy and tell him and we decided to stay friends and see each other casually as friends when I had free time. This was grand til I realised he didn't actually believe me. He hassled everyone we know asking for the "real reason". And he found it very difficult to be friends in the end. People kept saying 'if you really liked him you would've made it work' and stuff like that but until they're in the position they don't understand that its just not possible, a relationship should be more than just fitting someone in for half an hour here and there if you're free.

Maybe this girl is just making excuses I dunno, but in MY situation it was a genuine and honest reason, and it was actually me being fair to him because I knew I couldn't commit in the way he wanted, regardless of the fact that he and all his friends think its bs.

Although I'm not saying girls don't give excuses to "soften the blow" either, just giving my personal experience in relation to being too busy for a relationship. Hope this helps.

As for the heartache, I've been on the receiving end of that after years with the "love of my life". It hurts like hell but you'll be ok, it gets better.

LegacyUser

OP, it may be a genuine case of there not being enough hours in the day.
One of my friends is dying to meet a guy, and has met a few lovely ones in the last few years, but she is in a catch 22 situation. Is a training pathway (medic-related), works 100 hours a week, and also has to fit in writing a thesis& studying for exams in the middle of it. I "joke" with her that she barely has time to eat or sleep, not to mind a relationship.
This girl you've met may have a similar issue at the moment.

B.A._Baracus

Op,
So she is "too busy" to have a relationship with you? ... But i'd put money down she wont be "too busy" to sleep around with other guys.


Sorry man. Sounds like you got served a big load of the "its me, not you" spiel - Its time to start thinking about yourself (like she is)

Tasden

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Op,
So she is "too busy" to have a relationship with you? ... But i'd put money down she wont be "too busy" to sleep around with other guys.


Sorry man. Sounds like you got served a big load of the "its me, not you" spiel - Its time to start thinking about yourself (like she is)

A relationship with someone who expects regular contact, emotional support and everything else that comes with it is entirely different to no strings attached casual sex every once in a while, or even regularly for that matter. Its the responsibilities and expectations that come with a relationship that some people are too busy for, and these aren't expected if you're "sleeping around" or casually dating.

B.A._Baracus

Tasden wrote: »

A relationship with someone who expects regular contact, emotional support and everything else that comes with it is entirely different to no strings attached casual sex every once in a while, or even regularly for that matter. Its the responsibilities and expectations that come with a relationship that some people are too busy for, and these aren't expected if you're "sleeping around" or casually dating.

If one can make enough time to 'casually date' someone... or 'sleep' with someone a few times. They can sure as hell make time for a person they want to continue being in a relationship with.

But the keyword is "want" in that bit and thats what it boils down to. We are led to believe that is sooooo busy all the time. What is she doing? working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week? ... she's still going to make time for her friends, family, herself and what not.

This is about ones own desire and not breaking up with the op out of "fairness" to him. Many a busy person has worked out times to see their partner. To keep the relationship going. Be it only on a saturday afternoon. Until things get better.

Tasden

Fitting in someone once a week for an hour or so isn't my idea of a relationship. A relationship requires regular communication- not a date every Saturday if you're free. Sometimes people genuinely don't have time for regular communication and commitment a relationship requires. With a relationship there is an obligation to that one person to make time for them and that can be extremely stressful when you can't give as much time as they would want. Or when you can't give a definite time/day when you'll be free til the last minute. Maybe that's ok for some people but I personally wouldn't consider that a relationship and maybe the op's ex felt the same.

As for what can she be so busy with, I know my situation is not the same as hers but just to give an idea of how easily it can happen- I get up at 6.45 do the school run on the way to work, work 9 to 5, collect my child, go home, make dinner, help with homework, do bedtime, catch up on work from the day, housework etc. then to unwind il watch a bit of tv or whatever but I'm in no mood for company. Sat and Sunday is similar enough but a different job. Yes my alone time in the evening could have been used to spend half an hour or so with him but that was the only me time I got and like I already said half an hour here and there when it suits my schedule isn't much of a relationship. And that's only going on my day to day responsibilities, throw in family issues or whatever else and you can see how there is no time for a partner. I obviously don't know what kind of lifestyle the op's ex lives but sometimes a partner doesn't fit into it no matter how much you would like it to.

ash23

I don't know. I was in a similar position. I had a full time job, a child (with no respite from the other parent), exams, friends etc. My now OH was also the same, a demanding job 7 days a week, friends, family, elderly relatives who he was a carer for........but somehow we made it work. It was tough at first, each of us trying to make time for each other. Especially the months before he met my child because I was being pulled in a few different directions.

But with a bit of perseverance we got to the point where he met my child and now it's so much easier because he can call over when she is still awake or we can go out and stay in his house.


A lot of other guys, it didn't work because I was too busy for them. Really though, I just wasn't in the frame of mind to make time for them or I wasn't into them enough to make time for them. And the same goes for my OH. He had a few short term relationships but they fizzled out because he was "too busy".

Maybe it helps that we're both busy people so we understand when the other is too tired, too busy etc. We also both value our own space and are both independent so we both are on the same page with regard to how much time we give each other.


So anyway OP, maybe you guys just aren't a good fit. She might genuinely believe she is too busy but most likely it's just that you're not compatible with each other.

Tasden

ash23 wrote: »

Maybe it helps that we're both busy people so we understand when the other is too tired, too busy etc. We also both value our own space and are both independent so we both are on the same page with regard to how much time we give each other.


So anyway OP, maybe you guys just aren't a good fit. She might genuinely believe she is too busy but most likely it's just that you're not compatible with each other.

I think this is a good point actually. If you're really busy and someone is expecting more time than you can offer then its going to raise issues about your suitability. Perhaps if the guy I was with had an understanding like you and your partner seem to have for each others lifestyle I may not have felt the way I did, however I felt I could not give him the time he expected from me and felt it was fairer to end it so he could find someone who could. Maybe if I had stronger feelings for him I may have felt differently and persevered but at the time I knew that it wasn't going to work.

AnonoBoy

If she was too busy for a relationship then why would she not be too busy to keep in touch as 'friends'.

Sounds like she feels bad and is trying to make it easier for herself for dumping you.

Say 'yeah sure we're friends' and then watch as you slowly never hear from her again.

Tasden

Misread your post sorry!
There are a lot less obligations to meet a friend every once in a while when it suits than there is to maintain a relationship.

seachto7

Tell her you have enough friends, and don't need any more....

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Thanks all for your responses. And it was good to get insight from others who have been in similiar situations, or the busy person in the relationship.

Tasden, i think what struck me is that you used the word 'obligation' , i felt like that is what i had become, whenever she did have spare time, i was a task/obligation that she felt she should allocate time to, but in reality she wanted to allocate that free time elsewhere.

I have come to be more acceptant of it now. I think initially my ego was hurt. but I realise that she had to do what was right by her and i have to respect her decision. And that it was not meant to be.

I know I may be foolish, but I did send a civil friendly text, because id prefer to leave things on a good note. I know i will probably get a christmas text of some sort , and after that communication will patter out as it has in previous relationships.

Lorna123

The bottom line OP is that she "doesn't have time for a relationship with you". Sorry. Being friends won't work because you want more and you will never be satisfied unless it develops into more, so stay away from her and avoid the pain that will ensue if you stay "friends".